Internationally recognized forensic pathologist and county coroner Dr. Cereal Wreck died suddenly last night at the county morgue. Wreck, well known for his contentious and opinionated political grandstanding in several controversial cases including the John F. Kennedy assassination in Dallas Texas and more recently the still unresolved murder of little JonBenet Ramsey passed away in his high back chair in his morgue office. The Coroner had a long discussion with his assistant Coroner Dr. Josepi Preferation about the events of the evening in the facility when his autonomic nervous system shut down causing Mr. Wreck to peacefully pass from this mundane existence. Wreck was 67 years old.
The events that lead up to the death of the respected pathologist are as formidable a mystery as some of the numerous controversial criminal cases he was inevitably drawn to. Dr. Preferation elaborated "Dr Wreck was particularly distraught on this evening. In his 30 plus years of service to the medical, legal and civic community he had never experienced a situation like that which confronted him on this occasion."
"He summoned me to his office and told me an unbelievable story. As he was conducting a routine autopsy on a young gang member recently killed in a downtown shootout, he witnessed what will forever change our perceptions on the actual meaning of death and life".
"Dr. Wreck explained to me, in no uncertain terms and with a clear unwavering consciousness, his observations, as unreal as they may sound. As he pulled out the spleen of the victim, Dr. Wreck could see, off in the distance, on the portable gurney, our training cadaver "Boris", moving! Dr. Wreck told me he was stunned and shaken by the observation and questioned his own perceptions, tossing the spleen on the floor. He said he did not blink an eye and walked straight over to the gurney and watched Boris sit up. The Coroner next explained he watched in disbelief, as the corpse masturbated right on the gurney and ejaculated a formaldehyde appearing liquid all over the immediate area of the morgue. Then, as unbelievable as this all was, Boris stated "excuse me, but I needed that, it's been 13 years, you know", laid back down on the gurney, and resumed his dead status."
"He was quite upset about this all and thus I was summoned into the morgue and he told me, in all the unreal detail, the story I've just conveyed to you. I know it's true- I saw the formaldehyde!". It was too much for the dear Doctor to handle obviously and I am not sure I'm on stable ground, as far as that goes."
"It makes you think! I particularly wonder about Lenin and some of these mummies in Egypt and all of that. I went out and changed my will right after Dr. Wreck passed. No cremation for me!"
Dr. Wreck will not be buried. Rather, his corpse will be kept in the county morgue indefinitely, in light of these startling revelations.
3/08
