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Milwaukee, Wisc. In a first of its kind operation a
Wisconsin doctor has saved the life of a patient who was suffering from malignancy of the
urinary bladder, detrusor muscle, trigone and ureters. Through a 14 and
one half hour operation, guided by chief surgeon Dr.
Poindexter J. Skinflint , and assisted by specialist in the field of
microsurgery and nanotechnology, the life of cancer patient Kim Mo Bong has been spared.
Dr. Skinflint announced the successful and unprecedented medical procedure after Mr. Bong was removed from the ICU, 12 hours after the surgery was completed. Skinflint explained that Bong, a 39 year old Korean from Seoul, had advanced bladder cancer that there is no known cure for. "Although his malignancy was not terminal at this point, it shortly would have became fatal, if not treated. Mr. Bong had lost control of his trigone which means basically he was urinating constantly. He (Bong) indicated he played with himself a lot and was using a sex device he had invented and it is thought that these two factors contributed to the urinary bladder carcinoma."
Dr. Skinflint continued "we had no alternative other than to try a totally new and unproven medical procedure/surgery. We removed completely Kim Mo Bongs bladder and microsurgically connected his kidneys to lymphatic capillaries in the inguinal node (groin area). These capillaries are in turn routed to lymphatic capillaries in Mr. Bongs cervical node (neck area). From there our nanotechnologist Edward Edema connected capillaries to the cochlear nerve cavity with a tiny pump no larger than the head of a pin. The tiny "nano piss pump" is regulated by a neurological connection to the patients brain that regulates the urination (micturition reflex) function."
"This unique combination of microsurgery, nanotechnology and neurosurgery enables Mr. Bong an alternative control mechanism for the elimination of liquid waste from his bladderless body. On demand, when nature calls, Kim Mo Bong urinates through his left ear auditory canal. So far he's done very well. He is a little more yellow in color, but we expect that to diminish with time. And he is still not in the habit of using a tissue to wipe himself dry after each elimination, but there again, with time, that will become second nature", stated Skinflint.
Kim Mo Bong, addressed the cameras with the right side of his face and told reporters at the news conference he felt fine. "It's noisy... sounds like a flood in a tunnel each time I have to piss now, but it's better than being dead. And I promise, I ain't using that sex machine anymore!."
Palo Alto CA. Palo Alto cops are reporting yet
another incident involving the infamous Bulldyke Gertrude. In this version, the latest of her many escapades, the gay girl was reportedly shopping for grub at Ralph's south of the Queerboat Ranch.
Police Private First Class Hector Valdez explained further: "Ms., Miss, Mr., whatever the Bulldyke is, alleged that she was shopping at Ralph's for food for a gay parade she was planning for this coming week end when she was surprised by a thug with a pistol. The male suspect, described as being 5 foot, 7 inches, slim build and approximately 150 lbs, and of a rather "wimpish appearance", allegedly put a pistol to Bulldyke Gertrudes head and threatened to kill her. We are not certain what provoked or motivated this vicious/malicious situation. The Bulldyke is understandably upset about this all and she has been sent to the Palo Alto Queerboat Ranch Infirmary for observation with high blood pressure and a nervous tick."
Valdez stated that the description provided by the alleged victim is not enough to pinpoint any suspects at this juncture and that no one else in Ralph's when the incident reportedly occurred witnessed the episode. "Ms., Miss., Mr., whatever Gertrude is, kept yelling out hysterically, something about "Casper Milk-toast Yesman" but we are not certain what that means."
It should be pointed out that the trouble making Bulldyke recently filed a law suit against the city and stands to win millions of dollars if the judgment in said suit is ruled against the city of Palo Alto. The Bulldyke's lawyer, Jezebelle Grizzly indicated this incident may be an intimidation ploy with its inception in city hall.
Grizzly pontificated "We have a solid legal case against these political wet-noodles and we will not buckle to artificial pressure and thinly veiled intimidation attempts as this ambush represents. My client has had her reputation irreversibly tainted by the actions of this city and we aim to resolve this situation swiftly. Justice shall prevail - regardless of these sham attempts to derail our efforts."
The Bulldyke is reportedly in stable condition at the Infirmary with elevated blood pressure, constipation and excessive anxiety. She is being watched closely by the Queerboat Ranch Infirmary medical trainee staff.
2/08
