New York City, NY The annual wearing of the
green is always a special event in the Big Apple but it was particularly special this time
around for two lonely, sexed up-boozed up hearts that learned first hand
that the wearing of the green leads to the taking off of the
green.
Dave "Pablum" O'Malley, a 27 year old burger flipper at Hardee's and Wilma O'Grady, a 24 year old seamstress and part time stripper found each other at the parade of parades. "It was amazing, considering there were thousands on hand for the event, that we hooked up", chirped Wilma. "I've been looking for a good man who can give you a physical explosion simultaneous with a cognitive brain implosion and boy did I find him in Pablum".
"I was just standing there with all the other passive nerds, watching life's parade pass me by once again, when I saw Wilma, all dressed in those shamrocks, green fishnets and green stiletto six inchers and well, you know what I had in mind. Ohhhhh, she was good looking and she was easy to talk to. I didn't know at the time she already had a quart of whiskey in her so after the parade I asked her to go to Hardee's with me cause I could get us free quarter pounder burgers, but she wanted to go drink. I told Wilma I didn't have a penny and she said she'd buy so we headed for Toomey's Pub on 125th Street. Boy, that babe can put away the booze. I don't know how she stays so slim. Anyway, I got pretty tanked myself... what did I have to lose? A beautiful woman, free liquor, conversation flowing like confetti in the wind. It was magic".
"This has been the best time of my life" admitted O'Grady. "I've been with a few other guys before but no one thrills me like Pablum. He really knows how to make a lady feel special. I think I'll go into detox cause I don't need no alcohol now. The elixir I need is Dave "Pablum" O'Malley!"
O'Malley likewise was satisfied with his St. Patrick's encounter and new honey. He bragged about their escapades to our greenie reporter Sean Guinness O'tolle "Wilma is the kind of girl all men dream about... we had sex about 30 times in a 24 hour period. Shit, I was so worn out I had to eat four free Hardee's quarter pound burgers and I only weigh 150 lbs. Well, maybe now I weight 145 lbs. I will give prayers of thanks to my patron saint on a daily basis now".
Pablum further volunteered "and then I found out she was a stripper and have you ever been in a club and seen all those guys go goo-goo eyed over YOUR girlfriend? That made me want to give Wilma a pounding right off the Richter scale and believe me, those green high heels were bouncing all over the place later on".
O'tolle asked O'Grady what was next for the happy shamrock shackups and she responded "just send me to another world. Make every day St. Patrick's Day and let me get my fill of Pablum". Wilma gave a little snicker....."Honey, no burgers tonight".
Detroit, Mich. Eleventh hour intensive
negotiations coupled with unprecedented and unique labor concessions resolved a pending strike for one of America's largest labor unions. The 2 million male members of the
Unionized Central Brothers of the American National Union Society (ANUS) will vote today on ratification of the new 2 year contract proposal. It is
expected to be overwhelmingly ratified by the ANUS rank and file.
What makes this particular package so unique is the fact that the two million members of ANUS will actually be accepting decreases in salary and benefits! You read it right- decreases.
ANUS represents employee's in a diverse range of unskilled or quasi-skilled roles. The all male union has membership ranging from uneducated garbage men, woman's shoe salesmen, hod carriers, bar tenders, migrant farm workers, deli meat cutters, truck drivers , US postal service envelope lickers, landscapers, stock boys, cab drivers and liquor bottle cap checkers as well as scores of other illiterate, untrained and untrainable marginals.
"The kicker in this exceptionally special contract offering is that all parties, management and the goons we employ, er, the workers, I mean, are content" according to Baluga H Cornhole, ANUS President and highest paid union representative in world history. "Our men are pretty down to earth, mundane people with a basic low level needs structure. What you have here is your classic rudimentary stimulus - response syndrome B. F. Skinner addressed decades back. So what my management boys and I realized is that we can keep these goons, er, workers satisfied, keep all the money we save in concessions for our own ANUS coffers, and reduce the salary/benefits payroll for the various industry sectors these goons, er workers are employed in".
"Lets face it, Cornhole reiterated, "these guys are not too smart. So it's S=R. Girl = sex, Food = eat, Booze = drunk, Money = spend, Books = trash, Car = crash, on and on. So we knew all we have to do is satisfy the bottom level of Abraham Maslow's hierarchy for these goons, er, workers and they'd be as satisfied as Homer Simpson with chocolate ice cream and never even know they were getting a giant stick right up their ANUS, figuratively speaking".
The unprecedented contract guarantees a basic salary minimum of $5.90 hour with a minimum of a 30 hour work week, a free dental cleaning once during the contract period and paid time off on Christmas and Thanksgiving. The clincher of the package follows: 1) a weekly certificate for a free keg of beer and a case of whiskey, 2) free daily burgers, hot dogs and unlimited fries at a nationally known fast food chain, 3) one free Viagra pill daily during the length of the labor agreement and, the real clincher- 4) free internet access to a well known porno site featuring heterosexual, gay and bisexual content. "The boys were salivating like Pavlov's dogs when they got word of item #4" stated Cornhole, as he stuffed a thick wad of $100 bills in his Captain Kangaroo coat pocket.
"Take a cab over to the deli and get a pound of thin sliced maple ham and
remember you have me to thank for the blessings YOU have in your life!"
The word has gotten out in the transient bum
vagrant community and that
word is North Carolina is the place to be! Hobo's, tramps and
rural human vegetables as well as metropolitan street dwellers are all
moving to North Carolina seeking the good life the state has built a
reputation for and is apparently delivering on.
Vagrant bums are leaving Canada in droves, in particular southern Quebec, making the trek southward to the promised land. Why are these non-productive societal leeches flocking to the tobacco state?
"It's no secret, friend", offered a man known simply as " Heroinballs ", as he pushed his hand made mobile home and drug den southward. "Everyone's heard about Buckminster Brownpants living the life of Riley down in the rural southland. Free food, plenty of dope, all the tobacco you could want in the next hundred years. Can you ask for anything more?"
"There are a lot of good people down there on Tobacco Road. It's reportedly like paradise on earth. The farmers will feed you and let you smoke or chew up their unsold tobacco plus, the real secret is that they are actually growing weed and fortified hash deep within the tobacco fields so if you can worm your way in...wow, you can spend days in there, all for free."
Heroinballs admitted, "I've been all around, up in Canada, down in Texas, even out in California, and they got a lot of laced crack over in Ohio, but I've been told you can get the best heroin and opium right around Charlotte and that whole county there. I can't wait. I put two new wheels on my mobile drug den and I'm making about 20 miles a day. I'll be in North Carolina in no time."
North Carolina state officials are concerned about these illiterate tramps swarming into the borders. "We've recently decreased our welfare rolls significantly," stated on spokesperson who would not offer his identity, "but with all these vagrant bums coming here to consume tobacco and smoke dope, it appears we'll have to raise state taxes.
Another state legislator who likewise would not be identified indicated that he was going to propose a "vagrant/bum" tax on all tickets sold at Carolina Panther home football games. "An extra dollar per ticket will not even be noticed by the fans and it will go a long way in helping to feed and clothe all of these unwanted freeloaders".
Heroinballs moved on, pushing his cart, slowly but surely, parting with the following thoughts "when Buckminster and I hook up, it's gonna be one big blowout like you ain't never seen before. If you need a hit of heroin, hash, crack or just straight tobacco- it will be the place to be. I assure you you'll read about it when we connect. Those diehard Chicago street bums on Michigan Ave. will wish they'd made the journey when they get word of our cookout! It's Tobacco Road or bust, for me."
2/08
