Beijing, China The China Space Agency startled the
world today when it announced that a secret rocket launched in July, 1997 has safely landed on
the surface of Mars. Jing Jang Jong, spokesperson for the CSA stated that the manned Ningbo Rocket ship landed without incident in the Valles Marineris after
a 20 month flight.
The manned spacecraft, officially known as "The Peoples Mobile Hard-dildo Projectile Ramen-noodle Express Flight to Valles Marineris", carried 30 unnamed Chinese scientists. Jing Jang Jong told reporters that all 30 individuals are alive and well. He emphasized "No one died". All 30 scientists are healthy and fine. "As a matter of fact, the first thing the crew did post landing on Martian soil was to enjoy a meal of shrimp flavored ramen noodles. They had been eating beef flavored noodles for the last 600 days and in commemoration of their safe and uneventful flight, they decided to go exotic".
An official spokesperson for NASA, Richard (Wild Irish) Rose , stated "we knew of the Peoples Mobile Hard-dildo Projectile Ramen-noodle Express Flight to Valles Marineris. We even officially warned those people not to launch that catastrophe waiting to happen, and our best information was that it was not launched, but obviously it got shot off without our knowledge. We congratulate these brave scientist in their endeavors to further the scientific progress of mankind". Rose would not answer any reporters questions, abruptly leaving the podium after the aforementioned terse statement. Our reporters followed Rose in an attempt to gain more official feedback but he was last seen leaving the Bellfort St. Liquor-rama with a case of cheap wine, speeding up M. L. King Blvd.
Jing Jang Jong likewise did not readily offer much more additional
information. Chinese reporters inquired about the names of the 30
scientist on the ship and Jong responded "they are unnamed". When asked
"where did they land on Mars", Jong offered "Valles Marineris." One
reporter inquired "what will they do on Mars?" and Jong blurted out "we
didn't plan for that". Jong did emphatically emphasize that all scientist
on the ship are healthy and normal. He ended the press conference with the
following words....
In a landmark ruling the Supreme Court of
Bundesbordelloland has decreed
that all men shall now be uncircumcised. By unanimous decision the chief
justices of one of the most powerful nations on earth have for the first
time in history banned the prevailing medical standard. The decision has
caused political, social and psychological unrest and dissension
throughout the states.
Bundesbordello High Court Justice Judge Prepuse P. Foreskin read from his prepared statement "it is our firm belief, based upon sound medical trials conducted over the course of the last 40 years, that circumcision is of little medical value and may in fact be hazardous to ones health. Clinical studies within the borders of our great federal republic as well as those which have been done elsewhere in the world clearly and definitively show that circumcision is detrimental to the health of the individual circumcised as well as any sexual partner he might have relations with. In this enlightened atmosphere it is our duty and mandate to protect the health and wellbeing of all citizens of Bundesbordelloland and therefore today I declare circumcision banned and outlawed within every state".
The ruling sent shockwaves to every corner of the republic. From the Doppelbock Bierhause's to the red light whore houses, from the Kreuzberg Bundesecumenical Tower to the Bischofsheim Memorial Hospital, from the 3 pieced suits to the gutter level street bums in lower Quellenhof, the nation was flabbergasted.
Fuhrer Braunschweiger Helmut III called for "understanding, perseverance and tolerance in these changing times. All Bundescitizens are justifiably stunned by this mandate but our collective health is more important than the prevailing cultural traditions! We all must cover our heads. In fact, tomorrow I will recommend legislation to the senate making it mandatory that every circumcised man become uncircumcised by the year 2001." This announcement caused more turmoil and dissonance than the initial Supreme Court decree itself.
Federal Medical Authority chief Dr. Schizobergerwicz was present to support and defend the Fuhrer's radical proposal. Schizobergerwicz told reporters "medical doctors have known for some time that chicken skin is very similar to it's human counterpart. Our meat packing facilities are right now de-skining all chickens in preparation for the demand for penile skin transplants. 30 million uncircumcisions takes a lot of meat".
Dissension among the Bundesbordelloland senior political officials was evident when Bundesecumenical Council spokesperson Rabbi Emanuel Berkovitz denounced Schizobergerwicz shouting out "it will be a cold day in hell when I come anywhere near your damn chickens. I will fight this to the bitter end. The government has no more right to legislate personal health matters in this arena than in others. I'm free to smoke a foot long cigar, drink a gallon of grape wine, or go to the local red light district. Don't interfere with our freedoms". Those at the press conference applauded and stood in honor of the Rabbi's retort.
Bundesbordello High Court Justice Judge Prepuse P. Foreskin responded "it is our duty and mandate to protect the health and wellbeing of all citizens of Bundesbordelloland and if certain right winged zealots believe they are somehow immune to our federal laws...they are in for a rough ride. These chicken skins the Fuhrer referred to have a certain shelf life. They will not be discarded".
Warsaw, Poland Pent up geezer bulldykes way past their prime went on a rampage through the skid row streets of the capital of Poland last night wrecking a good portion of the city. The old bags said they were fed up
with the way things are and have been for the last four or five decades.
One of the rebellious heifers who would only identify herself as "Bertha" told the Poland Telegraph Company reporter on the scene.."it's been a long time in coming. We have been frustrated for decades. No money, no sex, no food, no liquor, no autos, no phones, no tv sets, no radio. Damn, enough is enough. Working 18 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year grinding corn for the pigs to eat- it will make you sick. I haven't had a day off work since June of 1949 and what do I have to show for it besides a lot of blubber, a green babushka and a burlap sack I made into a moo moo. My man doesn't even know I'm alive and my 37 children can't even call as we have no phone system."
Another rampaging geezerletta was more to the point. "Um gonna make this clear to you Komrad. I will bust this vodka bottle right over your head and cut out your jugular vein unless you give me your cash and cigarettes" to which the Telegraph reporter stripped naked and gave everything to the beast, fearing for his very life.
"We don't care about no damn Why to Kay, no fucking american slut sucking FDR or whomever, worthless teenage punks, global warming, aids, stock market crashes, Chinks on Mars or skinless sausages in sauerkraut. We want the good life and we are going to get it" shouted one 320 lb. vagabond, tossing a molotov cocktail at the municipal building.
Warsaw Police Chief Igor Razapatowicz estimated a million dollars damage in last nights rampage with over 200 studdabubbas being locked up in the community jail. "These old stooges are going to be taught a lesson. They will learn the hard way, quite obviously. I've bought the boys special barb wired whips and there will be a lot of blood letting on these ignorant sluts in the jail tonight. Personally, I've not beaten up a woman in a year or so and I'm overdue. I can feel the vodka kicking in. Give me that frying pan. I'm gonna take care of business right now". Razapatowicz grabbed the cast iron skillet and headed back to the holding pen area, mumbling "these god damn women need to be put in their place!"
2/08
