Birmingham, UK. Nationwide, all urinal scrubbers hit
the picket lines last night at midnight. Over 500 piss scrubbers threw down their rubber gloves
and hit the bricks from Tyne to Plymouth.
International United Urinal Scrubbers president Baluga H Cornhole announced the strike one hour prior to the walkout. "Our boys are tired of all this piss. We want decent working conditions, which means automatic self scrubbing urinals like they have in California. This is not about wages. Our piss scrubbers are some of the highest paid in the entire world. This is about dignity and our collective self esteem".
The entire country is crippled by this dire circumstance as piss and cum stained urinals sit unwashed, smelly, filthy, unattended across Britain. Numerous businesses have shut down their mens rooms and are forcing their male employees to piss in the womens rooms, which in turn is causing a lot of bad feelings between the sexes. One example comes from Woodrow's Dildo Shop in Leeds which has 20 male and 15 female employees. Sven Sliga, an employee of this dildo manufacturing facility for the last 3 months complained "these toilet seats are always covered in piss now. I can't even sit down anymore as there is piss and cum all over all of the seats! I quit!"
Cornhole warned "we will effectively shut down the nation. No sphere of the British economy will be untouched. Our brotherhood knows how to achieve it's goals and if it means breaking the backs of the average British whore- so be it".
The solidarity of the United Urinal Scrubbers strike was most evident in Birmingham where a march of over 80 UUS members was held. Local 912 president Lefty Bile boasted "we will get what we want no matter what the cost. These self scrubbing urinals are not cheap but, then again, neither is the cost of a blow job today".
Cornhole further warned "there is a real chance this strike could spread beyond the borders of the United Kingdom. Those urinals are pretty bad in Sweden too. I'd rather piss in some floor drain than some of the urinals our men have to clean over there!"
A local teenager was arrested after creating a lot of
public havoc. Dina T. Sedridge, a 17 year old student at Wilmerding High School was charged with disorderly conduct, public intoxication, underaged consumption of alcohol and controlled substances, public nudity and a plethora of other, lesser violations after police were able to bring the young lady back to
reality.
After sobering up the teenager freely admitted she had snapped out. Sedridge told Wilmerding part time Police Chief Bobby Cook "I got a quart of Schlitz Malt at Pedro's Pool Hall with no problem. I took it to the rear alleyway and drank it while I was listening to my Alanis CD and the next thing I know I was thinking all kind of crazy thoughts. I popped a few green pickles I got from our school janitor and wow, I was swimming in Olestra, having never ending safe sex with the Cincinnati Bengals, reading the Bhagavad-Gita forwards and backwards simultaneously, changing my skin color at will, on and on. I guess I went into another dimension or something" cried the trouble making teen.
Chief Cook inquired "do you remember what happened on the line?" and Dina appeared rather dumbfounded. "We had to rescue you from a high voltage power line you were hanging from when we arrived!" Sedridge was in a complete blackout, remembering no details of the incident and denied that anything had happened like that until she was shown a photo of herself which proved the accusation was real. "I guess I've taken too many jagged little pills and too much malt", as she crushed her CD under her high heeled platform and was escorted to the Wilmerding Jail for some peace and quiet.
The girls parents could not be reached but later the next night Chief Cook was summoned to an (unrelated) bar room brawl incident at the same pool hall where he found Sedridge's father and mother, stoned on malt liquor next to the jukebox playing Alanis over and over. The parents were likewise sent to jail for a sobering up and were eventually released to the custody of their teenage daughter Dina.
"I'm not going through this again" Dina scolded the two alcoholics. "Your
grounded for a week with only Black Label, Wow chips and Sarah McLachlan.
Now get up to your room".
New York City (CP) Several major cosmetic
manufacturers today collectively announced the introduction of a new product-
"This is the direct result of an unsatiable demand for such products" announced Fred Salpingitis, spokesperson for the American Cosmetic Manufacturers Association. "It has to do with the popularity of Monica Lewinsky and the role model she has set for our young women today. Women are begging for this product! We could sell it for $50 a tube but, of course, we would never do anything like that".
Salpingitis elaborated the lipstick will be produced by no fewer than 3 manufacturers and will come (no word pun intended) in numerous flavors including foot long hot dog, skinless, bone flavored, sweet and sticky, unflavored all natural, Long John salty, curved and the most demanded of all - stately/presidential. Fred further commented many colors will be available- the whole spectrum: black, white, blue, opaque, blood red and blended (brown on the top and yellow on the bottom) and one manufacturer will make dick flavored lipstick specifically for our gay clientele. "Don't think we're going to discriminate with this issue..... our gay friends buy a lot of this lip stuff".
Salpingitis stated that the cock flavored lipstick will be available immediately in New York state and California and "eventually we'll get around to distribution to the rest of the country and the world, particularly France and Germany, where a lot of oral activity is common place".
2/08
