America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network/content provider
Dan Sroka's Humor Network banner

Dan Sroka's Unpublished Proceedings

Week Old Baby Shoots and Kills Mom

Helsinki, Finland. This is one for the record books. A child born just last week has shot and killed one of its parents and is now locked up in the slammer. This is the earliest documented case of both murder and incarceration. There is an additional strange and ironic twist to this whole tragedy.

Police arrested 8 day old Gluteus Earwax after they were summoned to the apartment occupied by Mr. and Mrs. Dufus Earwax. A gun shot sound was reported by neighbors in the apartment building. The Helsinki cops entered and found Jizzum Earwax, 32, mother of recently born Gluteus, dead on the floor next to the baby crib, with a bullet hole right between the eyes. Police reported baby Gluteus was waving a .45 pistol around. An autopsy confirmed Jizzum was killed by a .45 caliber bullet through the brain. The Helsinki cops then called in father Dufus, who is a security guard at the Helsinki Cold Retainer Jail #34. Dufus admitted that he had just purchased the pistol for the baby. Dufus told our star UP reporter Alena Ivanovna “Duh, you see, duh, I work da day shift at the jail, and, duh, my wife leaves the shack quite regularly. So, I got da gun for the baby, in case someone broke into da shack while she was out getting some crack”.

Police apprehended the world’s youngest killer and the weapon and charged Dufus with “irresponsibly contributing to the death of a spouse and the corruption of the morals of a baby.” Dufus has been fined (the equivalent of) $5 for his actions. Ironically, the young murderer Gluteus was locked up in the very jail where Dufus is employed, so he will be responsible for guarding his son daily. The Courts of Finland are quite backed up with murder cases as of recent, according to Reporter Ivanovna, so it’s unlikely Gluteus will have a court hearing before Feb. 2031. “He would be 31 years old at that point, and, according to Finnish law- any baby that has been in jail for over 30 years can be released scott free. So, it appears there is not only a whole lot of tragic hogwash here but some ironic and perverse twists, as well,” stated Alena Ivanovna, as she gave Gluteus a pistol shaped baby bottle to nurse from.

Obituary

Vindictive Old Coot Commits Suicide

Hateful, deceitful, mean spirited geezer Boilermaker Joe took his own life last night outside of the Wexford Funky Hunky Club. The ornery old cuss, known for scolding helpless young children and mutilating and dismembering local cats, was 59 years old. Boilermaker Joe, also known as “Prick Joe”, put a bullet through his brain and put us all out of our collective misery.

Born Horatio Constance Fredrico Hammershmidt 59 years ago in East Hobotown, NJ, Boilermaker, Joe was a complete failure throughout his entire pathetic life. A grade school drop out, panhandler, welfare abuser, dope addict, alcoholic, child abuser and societal leech, Boilermaker Joe achieved nothing in life but took so much from everyone and everything he came in touch with. He was probably the most hated man in the eastern United States and possibly across all of America.

Hammershmidt, also know as “mother fucker Joe”, had no family, friends, relatives or associates. His body was placed in a large garbage bag and tossed in the dumpster outside of the Wexford Funky Hunky Club.

Garbage pickup is scheduled for Wednesday morning.

Tobacco and Gun Lobbies Declare WAR on US Economy

South Carolina- The redneck pompous ass big-wig politicians from the racist southern states are on another rampage. As usual, it’s the tobacco and fire arms magnates/moguls. These self-righteous manipulative dogmatic scoundrels, backed by old-money from confederate-based imperialistic influences, now have a friend in the White House and they intend to bully the American public as a result.

Senior lawmaker from the neighboring state of North Carolina, Senator Jesse Defibrillator rallied the crowd of thousands of rednecks that gathered outside of the state capital at a big tobacco bonfire and militaristic pseudo-lynching. “We will bury you”, bragged Defibrillator, in a symbolic reference/threat to main stream America and its values, principles and beliefs. The aged Senator lit up a giant Carolina cigar, inhaled deeply, and shot off his M16 rifle as the crowd of thousands of good ole boy southern racist goons, NRA gun freaks and tobacco-chewing farmer idiots waved their fists and gave the one-finger salute to everyone else.

Old Racist prick

“The South will rise again!” chanted Defibrillator, as he drank straight from a bottle of Kentucky bourbon, smoked heavily and chewed a large tobacco leaf fresh from a local farm. The crowd went crazy echoing “the South will rise again”.

“We hate America, Mexico, the north, California and all non-whites- including those illegal aliens in Texas. One day, we’ll purge all of them out. We have the resources for that right here- tobacco and murder weapons,” cried Senator Jesse Defibrillator, pounding on the podium and shooting his M16 skyward as if there were slaves or Yankees floating around him.

“There are over a billion Chinks over in China. We’ll use them. They want our tobacco and weed. AND, they want our guns too! Do you know how much cash we can get out of those no good yellow mother fuckers?” The crowd responded in a mutual climax of gunfire and rage.

The midday sun and humidity could not deter the rednecks. The rally continued on until way past sundown. Thousands then boarded chartered busses headed for the nations capital, with lynching stop overs scheduled in South Carolina, North Carolina and Virginia.

Jesse had one last threat before his hospital gurney was placed on one of the luxury busses. “I promise you- we will destroy you like cancer. I’ll personally blow your fucking brains out!”. The convoy rolled out in the direction of the nearest liquor/tobacco/gun shop.

3/08

The Unpublished Proceedings are a division of the Dan Sroka Humor Network. If you would like to be notified whenever new writings are added to any of these sites send a BLANK email message to this address: satire-by-sroka-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

Network Endorsements and Shopping. The Dan Sroka Humor Network is a totally free, non-revenue producing entity. Please patronize and shop with our partners and help keep America's Leading INDEPENDENT Adult Humor Network free
Endorsements/Shopping