What do most people (at least most men) think of when the words exotic dancer/stripper are mentioned? Perhaps sexy. Maybe voluptuous. Seductive? Try vicious! Three sweet young 110 lb. Betty Boop babes
collectively snapped the other night at "Richard's Roughhouse", your
typical raunchy Tit and Ass showcase and subsequently went on a rampage that left
at least 10 local men wondering where their masculinity has gone.
It seems the girls just got fed up with having certain fluids shot all over their sleek bodies, high heels and g-string outfits and decided it was time to correct inequities. Senorita Stimclit , the stage name for the 19 year old ring-leader of this violent trinity spoke for the babes from the paddy wagon post rampage. "I'd had enough. These big ugly behemoths are in here every night pawing you like wild bears. It's the same one's, night after night. I just snapped when that big bastard ( referring to Baluga H Cornhole , local union president) shot his slop in my face for the second time in less than an hour. I grabbed my "OJ Special" (which is a 13 inch hunting knife the girls keep nearby on stage for such emergencies) and I went to work on the 300 pound gorilla". Stimclit is accused of chopping off Cornholes dick as well as numerous other assault and battery violations.
Stimclits two accomplices, the vivacious Frauline Fellatio Freda , 25, of Darmstadt, Germany and Ice Princess , a 30 year old cold heart from parts unknown, are all currently lodged in the criminally insane sex offenders section of the Cook County Jail. From her cell Freda spilled out her guts to our part-time reporter, Alvar Nunez Cabeza de Vaca. "I'm tired of all this shit! All these fucking guys want is sex, sex, sex. More, more, more. When I saw Stimclit chopping off his cock it freed my soul and I just snapped. I lost my mind. I had the strength of an OJ slicing through necks, only I was slicing through meat, not bones" cried Freda. "Blood was everywhere....I don't know where all this mean-spiritedness came from. I'm sorry for my actions now but just then, it seemed the right thing to do", as mascara colored tears streamed down Frauline Fellatio Freda's lean face.
The third culprit, the senior member of the vicious gang, was not remorseful at all. Ice Princess blurted out "You big fat stinking mother fucker. I saw your ugly ass in there (Richard's Roughhouse) the other night. You're lucky I didn't get your ass, you chauvinistic hog!"
DA Frank Scrotumballs indicated the babes would remain in the Cook County jail, men's section, until a preliminary criminal court hearing could be scheduled. "Our court system is really backed up right now, so these babes are in for a very long, very hard time in their jail cells before the preliminary hearing can transpire". The DA did announce that the criminal proceedings, should they evolve, would be held in the chambers of Judge Prepuse P. Foreskin , who is "well versed in criminal law as it applies to vicious babes who vent their anger on helpless, everyday common men who lead righteous lives".
Houston, Texas The North American Space Agency (NASA) announced today, at an impromptu press conference before the esteemed Houston news media, that life does exist elsewhere in the universe. Before a jam packed crowd at
NASA headquarters, Richard (Wild Irish) Rose, a file clerk in the north wing, told reporters that "the time is right to release this information to the general
public".
Rose elaborated "for years, Dr. Sagan had offered that the soup of life was everywhere in the universe". I am here to not only convey that knowledge to the common man, but to confirm, and prove to you, unequivocally, that it is a valid fact". "We are not alone" stated Rose, who pulled a brown bag from behind the table and took a few heavy-deep breaths from that same bag. "This has been known here at NASA for more than a decade. Today, I'm informing the world!"
Reporters were stunned at Rose's comments and inquired what proof he has to offer to validate his contentions. The clerk pointed to the crotch area of his jeans which was soaked-stained and stated as he took a swig of his name-sake and squeezed some kind of liquid from a tube into the brown bag.
The press conference ended immediately thereafter as Richard Rose was escorted out of the facility by a deputy from the Harris County Sheriffs
office.
Some people are not concerned with worldly material accumulations. Take Buckminster Brownpants , for example. This
self-made man walks to the beat of his own drummer. Brownpants, a 42 year old former truck driver, roams the countryside in rural North Carolina with the ragged tatters he's owned
for a decade or more and his prize possession, a bale of hash.
"When I got fired on my truck driving job, I knew I was done. I've never done anything in my life except eat, drink, smoke hash, and drive a truck. I never even had a drivers license. When I crashed my 18 wheeler and killed all those people last year, I realized my ass was cooked, once and for all. I managed to salvage most of my hash bale from the Carolina tobacco load I was transporting. I'm kind of your modern day nomad", bragged the grubby illiterate.
Buckminster says he smokes less than 40 pipe fulls a day and he figures he can last until the end of 2001 at the current pace. "By then, I'll probably get a job somewhere".
"There are a lot of good people out here in this rural world. I usually get 5 good meals a day from houses or farms I stop at in my meanderings". Sometimes Buckminster eats out of garbage cans and, if he really gets desperate, he'll eat a big wad of the hash itself. "Only problem with that is it's expensive and it will give you the shits! I'd rather be hungry. As long as I'm stoned, I'm happy" Buckminster slobbered out, as he walked down Tobacco Road, swaying left and right.
2/08
