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Drug Addict Destroys Everything
Low-life scumbag Heroinballs has done it up good this time. Mooching off his friends and fellow druggies and alcoholics down on Tobacco Road in North Carolina, the doper managed to destroy a whole neighborhood.
Unpublished Proceedings sent our star reporter Alena Ivanovna to the devastated area and she filed the following report:
On Saturday night, the boys were all gathered for a big booze and dope party at Buckminsters dump when Heroinballs, high on morphine, opium and lots of booze got out his bag of Testors glue and started inhaling a lot of fumes. In his embalmed state he apparently spread enough glue vapor around in the dump that it exploded- destroying the entire block. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your perspective) none of the goons present at the drunkard party were killed in the explosion.
Alena did indicate that Heroinballs and 14 of the other asses that were sucking up booze and dope like fiends were all arrested and are currently in the Mecklenburg County jail, where they will hopefully spend the rest of their lives.
Animated Series About Frauline Fellatio Freda Nixed
Unpublished Proceedings editor and publisher, who for our purposes here will be known as “Mr.X” has been approached by media giants for the rights to publish an animated series about on of our stars- Frauline Fellatio Freda.
Mr. X considered the offer to serialize the animated escapades of the luscious oral delight, and we are talking a sizable amount of dough being tendered in this offer, but, for non-selfish and non-personal reasons, the offer was declined.
Mr. X would not permit us to speak with Freda, who he had in his office all day long, but a lot of male and female howling and gurgling could be heard from outside the locked door.
It is rumored that Mr. X and Freda are shacking up, but we’re told by an unnamed reliable source that this is unequivocally not true. Freda was later seen leaving Mr. X’s office alone with nothing more than a half empty tissue box.
Never let anyone say that the owner of Unpublished Proceedings is in this for the money!
Rumors of Sale Greatly Exaggerated
Vicious lies and rumors have been spread around recently that the parent company of Unpublished Proceedings, the Dan Sroka Humor Networkis up for sale. We got tired of all of this alleged trash, so our editor, who will be known as Mr. X for these purposes, sent star reporter Alena Ivanovna to speak with owner and writer Dan Sroka about all of this shit.
After waiting for several hours in the hallway lobby of the elegant penthouse occupied by our network parent, Alena was permitted to enter the plush surroundings of the office of Dan Sroka. Alena indicated that a young lady left the office, carrying only a half empty tissue box, as she and Helena Frenulum Hymen, star reporter from Digital Diarrhea entered.
Alena was blunt and to the point- “ Is the Dan Sroka Humor Network up for sale”, to which the owner replied “only for the right price”. Hymen interjected “ Is there any truth to the rumor that Yahoo is going to buy out all rights to your copyright protectedmaterial and syndicate it?” to which Sroka replied “ None whatsoever. That will happen when magpies start shitting all over Europe!”
Alena’s last question was “ What is the price offered you from Yahoo?” to which Sroka replied “ I have no further comment, but it was in the range of 1.3 million ”. Hymen and Alena were abruptly skirted out of Sroka’s penthouse office and a young lady, carrying a half empty box of tissues quickly entered and the door was locked behind her.
So, there you have it folks- all of these rumors are nothing but filthy lies and falsehoods, and that’s what this all has been about from square one.
One last note: Mr. X has turned in his resignation at Unpublished Proceedings. Network President Dan Sroka will handle these duties at Unpublished Proceedings in the interim. We attempted to approach him about this but we could not gain entrance to his office but a lot of male and female howling and gurgling could be heard from outside the locked door.
Copyright © Dan Sroka 7/16/00, 
3/08
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