America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network/content provider
Dan Sroka's Unpublished Proceedings
Resources from the Dan Sroka Humor Network
Network Portal | Free Email | Video | Podcast | Affiliate Program | Search | Fan Club | Blog | Survey
Baluga’s Solution
Montreal, Quebec Baluga H Cornhole, President of Quebec, Union mogul, and alleged fag, has announced he is running for the Office of President of the United States. Baluga, a known hard-liner and tough back-room negotiator, announced he had a multifaceted plan of action that would revitalize America. If elected, Cornhole promised to change the face of America forever.
First off, the Canadian pervert made it clear that he would give up his citizenship and become an American citizen, so that he could run for US President. He further established that if elected to the US Presidency, he would resign as President of the Province of Quebec. It was rumored a reporter heard Baluga in the back room making the statement “ fuck these French shit heads!”.
Baluga’s agenda, a 30 page manifesto, officially titled “Baluga’s Solution” involves many controversial and questionable components. Unpublished Proceedings obtained a copy of the document and here is a synopsis of what the big Canadian tyrant/slob has in the works for the American people.
First off, Baluga’s plan is to increase taxes by a minimum of 10% across the board. With the increased revenue, his manifesto next mandates building no less than 300 high capacity prisons strategically located in all of the major metropolitan cities across the US. Short term employment in the unskilled construction fields would thus be positively affected. Each prison would house a minimum of 10,000 persons. At the same time, all existing prisons, jails and other correctional institutions would be expanded and refurbished, so that, upon completion of this first phase of the manifesto an additional 10 million jail cells would be in place.
Phase two of Baluga’s Solution is to “put the whip to the people”. As the jails/prisons are being built and refurbished, President Cornhole would change the laws and rights of US citizens on the Federal level. If you don't pay your taxes- you go to prison. If you don't work- you go to prison. If you have a gun- you go to prison. If you don’t like the government- you go to prison. On and on- you get the picture.
Cornhole’s goal is to fill up the newly constructed spaces as quickly as possible, and then phase three of the plan kicks in. That is to build approximately 500 “super prisons”, strategically located throughout America, with many located in Texas. Each of these will house up to 75,000 criminals in high security quarters.
The agenda reads “those that don’t fall in line with the new laws and demands of the manifesto will be incarcerated indefinitely”. Taxes will be increased to build all of this second wave of prisons.
Baluga H Cornhole’s plan has some sound principles to it. One of the conditions of being locked up under Baluga’s Solution is that each inmate must pay the state $50 per day for the quarters they occupy. If any inmate cannot pay or refuses they will be “eliminated”. So, once the plan gets rolling, there is a steady guaranteed influx of multiple millions of dollars into the federal and state coffers that could keep the US economy rolling for decades to come. Cornhole boasts “we eliminate the need for Social Security, cause everyone will be in jail- paying us!”.
Opponents of the alleged Quebec gay boy accuse him of being a Machiavellian tyrant and Stalin-like oppressor. Baluga confronted his enemies and hecklers at a press conference in Quebec to announce his presidential candidacy. With clenched fists viciously pounding the podium, he told his denouncers “I’ll fuck you up!”
Get The Job of a Lifetime
Louisville, KY. You can be like Buckminster Shitpants- a worthless piece of human shit. Uneducated, untrainable, stupid, ignorant and 100% slob- and still make money til it’s coming out of your ass! Just think- you can drink beer all night long until you pass out, then make big bucks doing nothing all day. Just become a coal barge pisser and you’ll never want for anything else in your life again!
Buckminster, as many of you already know, is nothing more than a human leech. An overweight vagabond, drug addict, alcoholic, murderer and stupid prick. Yet, the 300 lb. ignorant ass is making thousands of dollars a week for doing nothing. That’s because Buckminster Shitpants has found his life’s calling- he’s found a job as a coal barge pisser.
What is a coal barge pisser you ask? They stand on top of the pile of coal on barges going up and down the nations rivers and they piss. That’s right. They stand there and piss. You see, the coal can get pretty hot, especially in the summer time, and the barge owner moguls have found that it’s a cheap and economical way to keep the precious commodity from catching on fire. “So”, Buckminster explains “I drink lots and lots of beer- usually several cases a night- and all day long I stand on the mounds of coal and just urinate. I can piss gallons in one day, and that keeps a couple of barges safe. Sometime, if we’re in an unpopulated area- I whip my cock out and hose everything down in a haphazard fashion. If we’re near Memphis, Louisville, Cincinnati or another town where people may be watching the riverbanks, I just piss in my pants as I walk around the pile. This dribbles all over the place and the whole barge is eventually covered. I always wave at the kids as piss sloshes around in my shoes,” stated Buckminster, before he tripped and fell off the side of the barge into the Ohio River.
“I’ve never had it so good” claimed the blobbish former truck driver and sexual pervert. “I ran out of hash, so I had to find a job quick. My buddy Heroinballs told me about his uncle who was the owner of one of these barge companies and next thing you know, I’m in heaven! Can you drink booze until you are plastered every single night, get up and do nothing but piss all day, and get paid big bucks for it?”
Shitpants said he wouldn’t trade his condition in life for anything. “I’m just your average stupid fucking ignorant, tobacco chewing low-life scum bag. But, I’m making more money than you”.
Blind Psychiatrist Discovers New Light!
Antwerp, Belgium. Tragedy recently changed the life of Dr. Ezzard Scrotumballs. The world renowned, yet misguided clinical psychiatrist poked his own eyes out after having several revelations related to his life long quest to find access to the forth dimension. This modern day tragedy figure, not unsimilar to Oedipus Rex of mythology, was expected to wither away in self pity and perpetual doubt. But, that fate would not befall the blind pioneer!
In the most startling discovery of his esteemed and productive career, Scrotumballs has announced that, for the first time in his life he really can see. His eyes are truly wrecked- with blood and pus pouring out of his sockets. He hasn’t left his dark, somber basement abode on Ebberstrassen since he poked his eyes out many months ago. But, what Scrotumballs sees is not with the human eye, but with the mind’s eye.
“I’ve hooked myself up to a random generator which transmits digital signals to my medulla oblongata. It’s all zeros and ones. Then I ran a capillary sized catheter from a large vat of morphine I had stored in my laboratory straight into my jugular vein. Low and behold- soon thereafter I found I could see again. Yes- even though I have no eyes- I can see. And I can see things the person with perfect physical vision cannot!”
Scrotumballs was able to visualize (in his brain) a distant galaxy never before seen by the human eye. He named the new found system Digititali Scrotumballs Preposteri. And NASA astronomers at Keck II have confirmed there is, in fact, evidence of a galaxy precisely where Scrotumballs has indicated he “saw” it- 559 octillion light years from Earth. Dr. Scrotumballs generated a printout of the galaxy he visualized by sending a “toggled mux parallel implicit synapse firing neuron string” from his brain to his 300 baud impact line printer he stole back in 1978 from the University he worked for. Digititali Scrotumballs Preposteri is presented below.
The scientific community is obviously very guarded about these latest developments from the controversial and sometimes eccentric Dr. Ezzard Scrotumballs. One unnamed scientist from the White Sands Space Harbor in New Mexico stated, “that guy is a known drug addict and charlatan. He’s no better blind than when he had sight. His ludicrous and outlandish hypothesis are nothing more than mystical balderdash”.
Copyright © Dan Sroka, 3/3/00, 
3/08
The Unpublished Proceedings are a division of the Dan Sroka Humor Network. If you would like to be notified whenever new writings are added to any of these sites send a BLANK email message to this address: satire-by-sroka-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
Network Endorsements and Shopping. The Dan Sroka Humor Network is a totally free, non-revenue producing entity. Please patronize and shop with our partners and help keep America's Leading INDEPENDENT Adult Humor Network free
Endorsements/Shopping
