Dan Sroka's Unpublished Proceedings Vol. 17

America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network/content provider
Dan Sroka's Humor Network banner

Dan Sroka's Unpublished Proceedings

Drunken Brawl Ensues Over Use of a Urinal

Birmingham, UK It’s happened yet again. A man who can’t seem to stay out of trouble no matter where he is at or what he is doing is lodged in the slammer over in the United Kingdom. Known as Piss, (short for Pissbucket Ignoramus Sludge Santos ), the inventor of the world famous Urban Urinal, and hated by thousands across the globe, is in jail with two black eyes and a broken jaw.

Piss had his latest run-in with trouble and the law while on a trip to Union Jack world to sell his Urban Urinals in the UK. From his solitary confinement cell in the Birmingham skid-row section of lower Bumtown, PISS told our reporter, Alena Ivanovna (who just happened to be in Birmingham herself to buy cheap Christmas gifts for her three illegitimate children), “I’ve never been so demoralized in my entire 60 years. All I did was walk into the latrine to empty a bucket of British beer out of my bladder, and I was brutally attacked and battered by this thug, Briles, or whatever he’s called.” Ivanovna inquired “If you were innocently attacked by this man, who's name is Lefty Bile, why are you in jail?” Pissbucket Ignoramus Sludge Santos seemed stumped and in a cognitive quagmire, and said nothing more.

Next, Ivanovna proceeded to United Urinal Scrubbers Local 912 headquarters in the plush downtown office to speak with the man that allegedly attacked Piss, Mr. Lefty Bile, to get his take on the incident. Bile, who is Local 912 Union president, sat in his lush surroundings smoking a Carolina wet-dank toby.

He elaborated “Alena, this sleeze bucket is nothing but a liar, troublemaker and wretch. That has been proven and documented scores of times. He came into the mens’ room plastered, and aggressively pushed me aside as I cleaned out the only urinal in Junior Walkers Allstar Bar and Bordello. He not only knocked me to the floor he began pissing wildly all over the floor, partially cleaned urinal and, worst of all, me. There I was, in my three piece suit and top hat, on the floor in a bordello bathroom, being pissed on by an arrogant callous American. That was enough. I got up and floored his drunken ass with a left hook and a right cross. I then called the cops in and they escorted him to the Bumtown jail for a good long rest. They tell me he’ll be in there for some time to come. He got what he deserves. Imagine, trying to get people to piss out in the streets! Outrageous!”

Ivanovna offered one piece of advice. “Don’t go to Birmingham to buy cheap Christmas gifts. Everythings expensive! All I could get was three plaster urinal knickknacks and they were the equivalent of $5 each. I was pissed!”

Reporter Hypes New Services from Unpublished Proceedings

Pittsburgh, PA Returned from a highly unsuccessful Christmas shopping trip to the UK , star Unpublished Proceedings reporter Alena Ivanovna took a moment to relax with a jug of Thunderbird and elaborate on new services offered by her employer.

“With three illegitimate kids making demands on me all day, not to mention my busy schedule- plane hoping to Frankfurt to get the story on the Fuhrer banning aliens, or flying to Houston to find out what path of failure Richard (Wild Irish) Rose currently has NASA on , I’m always on the go. Thus, I appreciate anything that makes my life easier and helps me to relax--like this bottle of Thunderbird here. I drink a couple glasses of this, and I don’t even know who my three rats--umm--kids, Willie, Lilly and Tilly are!”

“A couple of things that make my life easier come from my employer. Believe it or not, he’s really not the authoritarian, autocratic, ironfisted slave driver people claim he is. For instance, he has made it possible for Willie, Lilly, Tilly and myself to get our own home pages for free. My kids and I are pretty stupid. I don’t even know what the internet is, but my boss tells me it’s a giant communication thing where you can get booze, sex and companionship for relatively cheap. Sounds like a good deal to me. Anyway, my boss gave us each a free home page. I don’t know what that is, but he said its good, and I didn’t even ask for it. He did all the work for us! He even gave Lilly, Tilly, Willie and I a free email service so we can communicate with each other when I’m in, lets say, Birmingham, Houston of Frankfurt. How generous of that guy! It makes up for the fact that I don’t get much pay. Sorta like a fringe benefit thing.”

“He did tell me to say this. So these aren’t really my words, but rather his. Any readers that want either a totally free home page and/or a totally free full serviced multi-lingual email account are welcome to obtain such from your favorite news provider, the Unpublished Proceedings. You not only get world class adult humor/satire, but free email and a free (no work on your part) home page hosted for free!”

“Well, the Thunderbird is sinking in, Tilly shit her pants, Willie is over there looking at naked girls on that internet thing and Lilly is taking something from a brown bag so, I gots to go. Love and kisses!”, Alena Ivanovna

Buckminster Drops Another Big Load and Lands In Jail!

Birmingham, UK. Another American sleeze bucket is in legal trouble in the United Kingdom. This episode will probably keep Buckminster Brownpants , aka Buckminster Shitpants , on foreign soil for sometime.

It seems Buckminster got a little wrecked and rowdy at Junior Walkers Allstar Bar and Bordello in Birmingham’s skid row, after popping his rocket on one of the queen bees, Bo Kim Hole.

Drunk and stoned on hash and glue, the roughneck apparently rushed into the mens room at the bordello to attempt to take a big shit. But, he was thwarted as he ran into Lefty Bile who was cleaning the bars/bordellos only toilet at that moment. Buckminster reportedly pushed Bile aside, ripping his three pieced suit and denting his top hat. Next, Buckminster emptied his bowels fully on the freshly scrubbed toilet, causing it to overflow with shit that reportedly stunk so bad the whole establishment was subsequently condemned. Bile, a roughneck and short-fused machoman in his own right, was not about to take this insult and affront and he and Bigboy Buckminster got into a shit splattered fist fight that saw Bile basically pulverize Brownpants into a heap of battered human shit. Buckminster was escorted to the Bumtown lockup, arrested for public riot and failing to pay for having illegal sex with a chink.

Bile told UP “I’ve had it with these fucking Americans. All these fucking want to do is mess up our restroom facilities and fuck our women. The next American sleeze bucket I run up against- I’ll kill!”

3/08

The Unpublished Proceedings are a division of the Dan Sroka Humor Network. If you would like to be notified whenever new writings are added to any of these sites send a BLANK email message to this address: satire-by-sroka-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

Network Endorsements and Shopping. The Dan Sroka Humor Network is a totally free, non-revenue producing entity. Please patronize and shop with our partners and help keep America's Leading INDEPENDENT Adult Humor Network free
Endorsements/Shopping