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Dan Sroka's Unpublished Proceedings

Man Divorces Two Cows- Marries A Groundhog

Fulda, Minn. He’s bucked the system again! Farmer Hoover Damster III who just recently shocked the entire world by marrying his two cows Lilly Pitunia and Elsie, has obtained a divorce from the two bovine beasts and immediately entered into matrimony with one of his groundhogs (Pat).

Hoover Damster III was very elated over his most recent knot tying. “ I’d had it with Elsie- she’d only give it to me 3 times a day and only when Lilly Pitunia was watching. I don’t have to put up with that kind of shit! I paid good money for those heifers and when I want it- I want it”.

Damster III elaborated more: “With Pat, I can get it when ever I so desire. I don’t have to worry about whether it’s milking time or not. Pat and I have had a relationship on the side for weeks now, actually. Pat never refuses me- even if I’m in the ball-buster top of the morning hard-on stage. Pat’s always there to take it- and take it good.”

The question came up as to what sex the groundhog Pat is? Farmer Hoover Damster III got quite defensive and agitated at the question and refused to give out any more details.

Pat the groundhog

Magistrate LD (Long Doink) Damster, half brother of the happy perverted farmer, conducted the divorce ceremony at the Damsters Big East barn and then immediately held the wedding ceremony outside of the barn. Long Doink was asked about the legality of a man marrying an animal in the state of Minnesota. He shot back with a verbal barrage, “Look fucker, I’m the Justice of the Peace here and I got jurisdiction in this here territory. Fuck Minnesota state law. I know how good Pat can be. I shacked up with Pat several times before my brother started on the groundhog. Once you get in one of those Minnesota groundhogs you’ll never go back to whatever it was you were doing for kicks before. This is the best kept secret in America.”

Several oddballs attended the divorce and wedding ceremony. Buckminster Shitpants, a drug addict nomad from North Carolina was the best man. After the ceremony, Buckminster distributed bundles of Carolina hash and home grown wet dank cigars to all present, including Pat. Another derelict there was Pissbucket Ignoramus Sludge Santos, a local pervert, boozehound and human waste. Pissbucket Santos made the divorce official by pissing all over both Elsie and Lilly Pitunia. PISS, as he is known to most people, boasted he got some from the two heifers and it is reported he is planning on setting up residence in the Big East barn.

The party atmosphere continued into the wee hours of the night and the boys reportedly stayed doped up, drunked up and sexed up till well past 4 am.

Carolina Doper Will Work For You

Charlotte, NC. A pathetic human waste drug addict nomad named Heroinballs wants to service your every need. The doper street bum came to North Carolina to be with his long time friend and fellow alky Buckminster Shitpants.

Heroinballs was half crocked as he rambled on to our star reporter covering the Tobacco Road area. “ I came down here to be with my buddy hash head Buckminster. He told me there’s plenty of good dope down in these tobacco fields, and plenty of good suckers that will give you cash for the asking. Well, Buckminster ain’t here. The fucker is reportedly in Minnesota or Wisconsin or one of those cow states. And I ain’t found anybody givin me any money yet either. Thus, I’m willin to work for you, just so I can get some cash to get a load of crack.”

Heroinballs stated “I don’t have too many skills, but I can scrub your toilets or give you a good blow job. All I’ve been doing for the past 25 years is staying wrecked, so I am not up to snuff, so to speak. I’ll do anything for some good heroin, crack or opium.”

If you have any work for this fucking shit head, or if you have any dope (which is what he really prefers) send an email, explaining what it is you want with this drug addict, what kind of dope you will supply him with for his services, and your name and address to: 82828@visto.com

Chinese Landing on Mars All An Elaborate Hoax

Beijing, China. You’ve read about it everywhere, including in the Unpublished Proceedings. The reports of Chinese astronauts landing on Mars and subsequently discovering life on Mars. Forget about all that you may have read about this, for we have evidence it all is nothing more than an elaborate hoax and conspiracy.

Our esteemed reporter Alena Ivanovna uncovered the bull shit shenanigans involved. Ivanovna went undercover in Beijing and began a sexual relationship with Jing Jang Jong, head spokesperson for the China Space Agency. “Jong told me, frankly and in all candor, after I gave him a super blow job, that the whole scenario was nothing but a bunch of hog shit. No Chinese are on Mars, in fact, no damn rocket was ever launched. The Peoples Mobile Hard-dildo Projectile Ramen-noodle Express Flight to Valles Marineris, the rocket ship that was supposedly launched in July, 1997, actually blew up on the launch pad, killing all 30 Chinese astro"nuts". The CSA covered up the whole situation and I’ve been lying to the people daily.”

Alena Ivanovna immediately ended her relationship with Jong after the blow job revelation and flew back to Houston Texas (NASA headquarters). Before she spilled the beans to the NASA boys however, she contacted our offices with the startling-shocking conspiracy story. Unpublished Proceedings has exclusive world wide rights to print the elaborate hoax story she has uncovered.

Richard (Wild Irish) Rose, official NASA spokesperson and NASA big wig denounced Ivanovna’s story as nothing more than a bunch of fucking bull shit. Rose stated “ We know damn well there are Chinese on Mars! If there are no Chinese on Mars, I’ll cut my cock off right here-right now” stated Rose, as he drank heavily from a 4 liter bottle of Richards Wild Irish Rose wine. Rose was escorted away by the Harris county sheriff.

Unpublished Proceedings stands by the credibility and integrity of reporter Alena Ivanovna. Our editor, who shall remain nameless, went on the record, stating “she’s good with that super blow job!”

2/08

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