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Grandiose Drunk Arrested
Police near Pittsburgh PA arrested Roughneck Rambo Sambo in his abode just north of the city after a tipster informed the cops that Mr. Sambo was running a brewery in his house. Wexford Police
Chief Onionbreath Hartford and a score of other law enforcement officials
including FBI agents and members of ATF stormed the alcoholic’s house
in the middle of the night. They caught Rambo Sambo by surprise, sitting
at his computer, jacking off to a partially loaded porno picture.
Agents busted in the front door, finding the drunkard sitting there in a
semi-coma stupor with body fluids all over the computer screen. The Police
confiscated the antiquated computer, which they subsequently learned was
stolen from Rambo Sambos place of employment, as evidence to his crimes
and lifestyle.
ATF Agent Bile P. Dribble was the first to enter the basement.
“This was like nothing I’ve ever seen”, stated Dribble.
“This mother fucker has a 50,000 gallon professional brewery vat in his basement. How in the hell did he get that thing in here? He was cooking a
batch of home brew fresh as we got there. There were empty quart bottles,
buckets, carboys and 55 gallon drums for beer everywhere, not to mention
hundreds of empty gallon jugs and carboys for wine. This derelict must do
nothing but make AND DRINK booze every moment of every day that he is
conscious!”
Wexford Police Chief Onionbreath Hartford added “we had received tips
that dump trucks were periodically coming to the Sambo residence and
unloading grain or some such item. Only when Mr. Sambo was reported AWOL
from his place of work for a one week period did we suspect he might be
making his own booze. We put a surveillance team in place and sure enough,
it was hops being delivered in those trucks.”
The drunkard had established a well organized
system for transferring the raw materials needed to the vat. Basically
everything is automatic. All Sambo had to do was pay his bills and, of
course, drink up his illegal concoctions.
“We busted his ass for the final time on this one” boasted
Onionbreath. “This drunkard has been in trouble-- in and out of jail
more times than I’ve pissed my pants. He will be locked up for years
to come this time.”
Chief Hartford announced the Police department assumed ownership of Rambo
Sambos abode through the Wexford municipal clause of eminent domain.
“We are moving headquarters into the house formerly owned by this
drunken sleeze bucket. It has a lot of rooms that will facilitate crime
fighting endeavors and is more centrally located, right in the heart of
the community, than our old police station.” Chief Hartford refused
to comment on what will happen to the booze making equipment/facilities
and the big booze cache left over when Rambo Sambo was arrested.
Union Boys Bail Drunkard Out of Jail
Pittsburgh PA The word got around quickly that local
lush Roughneck Rambo Sambo had been put in the slammer and the
boozeboys from Pedros Pool Hall acted swiftly to
rectify the situation. The alcoholic goons gathered up the necessary cash and bailed the boozer out of jail after less than 12 hours in the clink.
“I didn’t even have time to go into withdrawal” slobbered
out Rambo Sambo, as he sat with his plastered colleagues and peers at
Pedros. The booze was flowing hard at the Pool Hall and it was a general atmosphere of jubilance and celebration.
Casper Milk-toast Yesman put up $3,000 of his own
savings to help bail his drunken stooge friend out of the Wexford jail.
“We union brothers support each other. I’ve known Rambo Sambo
for years and he’s fought many a fight for me and beat up several bullies that threatened me! I owe it to my brother to come to his aid when
he’s in need.”
Likewise, Wilbur Creampuff , another alcoholic,
union boy and patsy came to the rescue. “ Why, Sambo and I go way
back! I stole a computer from school one time for him, so he could
look at porno on the internet. He’s a good old boy like
I’ve never come across, er, met before. I took all my money out of
the United Urinal Scrubbers Local 51 Credit Union and put it in the pool
to bail Sambo out... $13,500. It was my retirement savings. All US Savings
bonds. Hartford took them on a signature card.”
Two babes who frequent Pedros did their part as well.
Ice Princess and Frauline Fellatio Freda worked all night long in
Pedros back room, bringing in $2,000 in hard earned cash for the bail-out
fund. Freda even recruited newcomer Bo Kim Hole ,
fresh from Korea, to do a lot of handy work. Hole stated “I no take
oral-tongue. No No. Just hand job.” IP, clad in her mini-skirt,
platform high heeled slippers, dark stockings, with a cigarette dangling
from her mouth, stated “it was hard...real hard. But Sambo is a good
man. Most of the time he can’t get it up, but he’s still a guy
who would pretty much do anything for you. I’d go down for him on
short notice. I wouldn’t do that for just anyone.” Some say Ice
Princess is heartless, but her generosity came through when the going got
hard!
The majority of the bail-out funds, over $50,000 worth, came from union
mogul, alcoholic and pervert Baluga H Cornhole .
Cornhole, another regular at Pedros ,
jumped right on the case when he heard of Sambo’s unfortunate plight.
“I got the cash out of out collective union coffers. It won’t be
missed. Union dues were going up anyway. We have to stand up for our
brothers. I’ve been over at Sambos and I know what type of man he is.
He is good people!”, slobbered out Cornhole, as he eyeballed Freda. “How about some action babe?” were
the last words Cornhole stated before Freda floored his big ass with a
round house kick that would make a Korean kung-fu fighter proud.
The only two who indicated they would not contribute to the Sambo bail out
was Hakio Hardturd and Fatboy Sheister Doughboy.
Hardturd admitted he had some bad feelings about his former best friend and cohort in alcoholism. “He reported me at work. Now, I can only drink at home or in a bar and that’s not fair. I’ll get even
with that fucker yet”. Human pig/drunkard glutton Doughboy indicated “I don’t help anyone but myself. If that
fucker is not here, it’s just more for me to eat and drink. I’ve heard he has cirrhosis. I hope that’s true and it acts fast. I never
liked that damn bum. I heard he fucked my wife one night when I was in
here plastered. And she told me he’s not even
circumcised”.
DA Frank Scrotumballs , who was directly
responsible for Sambos release, was likewise present at Pedros.
“Wexford Police Chief Onionbreath Hartford has made some poor
judgments in the past and this blunder might just cost him his job”,
stated Scrotumballs, as he quickly engulfed two 40 oz. bottles of malt
liquor. “It’s part of the bail agreement however that we keep
the illegal brewery on the former Rambo Sambo property.”
The party atmosphere continued at Pedros until the wee hours of the night.
Sambo could not be reached for comment as he passed out, stoned, around
11:30 pm.
Obituary
Police Chief Onionbreath Hartford, Murdered
Onionbreath Hartford , 57, long time
Wexford PA Police Chief, was found murdered last night at a house that was under police surveillance. The renowned local crime fighter had been shot through the brain with his
own service revolver, according to County Coroner
Dr. Josepi Preferation . The coroner further indicated that
Onionbreath Hartford was stone drunk with a blood alcohol level of .2 %.
“I’ve never seen a man with a blood alcohol level that high in
30 years in the coroners office! I knew the Chief was a big boozehound and
a lush, but he must have drank the equivalent of four hundred 12 oz.
beers or 69 quarts of wine to get THAT TANKED UP!”
Assistant Police Chief Deiman Dolt II indicated there are no clues
whatsoever as to who might have murdered Chief Hartford. “No
fingerprints, no witnesses, no footprints- nothing”, stated Dolt, as
he consumed massive quantities of beer from a vat on the murder premise.
“It’s a complete mystery. I think it’s safe to say this
case will never be solved!”
Onionbreath Hartford rose through the local crime fighter ranks. He
started as a security guard at the Rankin Elks in 1970 where he worked
diligently for 10 years until he was fired for killing a member in a
drunken rage over whether Mike Weaver deserved the WBA heavyweight
championship or not. Hartford was acquitted of that murder and was
appointed Wexford Assistant Police Chief later that week. He then
succeeded his predecessor, Chief Buddy Ballbuster , who was found
murdered with two cinder blocks attached to his legs at the bottom of the
Allegheny River. That case was never resolved.
Hartford had a reputation as a tough but fair law enforcement official. In
an interview conducted back in 1993, Onionbreath indicated he liked
everybody in the community, especially those that gave him free booze. He
had one known enemy over the years, a man known as
Rambo Sambo , a local drunkard wretch and trouble maker.
Rambo Sambo is not a suspect in the murder as he was reported stone drunk
in Pedros Pool Hall by no less than 15 witnesses including DA Frank
Scrotumballs.
Wexford Police Chief Onionbreath Hartford had no wife, children or family.
He was a loner and an alcoholic. There will be no funeral or burial. In
accordance with his Last Will and Testament, his body will be crushed by a
steam roller in the middle of Main Street and his remains will be left on
the street for the pigeons and rats to eat.
Copyright © Dan Sroka, 6/6/99, 
2/08
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