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Wilbur’s Shit

Cleaning the men's and ladie's rooms at a high school can be one tough job. Just ask Wilbur Creampuff- the full time janitor at Wilmerding High School. He’s also known as a urinal scrubber. He’s a card carrying member of the United Urinal Scrubbers Local #51. Likewise he’s know as “Mr. Shit”, “Gayboy Wilbur” and some other names we will not go into here. Needless to say, Wilbur has a job that doesn’t earn him much respect. In fact, it brings him a lot of ridicule. But Wilbur knows that if he does a good job, keeps his nose clean, and plays by the rules, someday... one day, he’ll get a good job as, lets say, a garbage man with the city refuse crew.

Many of the punk kids at high school think that Wilbur doesn’t do a very good job cleaning the bathrooms, toilets and urinals. On a number of occasions he has been called into the office and received severe verbal lashings about dirty and unsanitary conditions in the rest rooms. Wilbur has had to work overtime many a night as a result of these exceedingly unkept conditions. Wilbur gets mad when he has to work overtime because that cuts into his precious drinking time at the bar. And Wilbur is an unhappy man when he doesn’t get plenty of booze flowing through his veins.

Wilbur will tell you he does a good job at the high school. In fact he has been able to talk his way out of every single verbal tirade he has received at the hands of the school administration. The union has not had to support him or his cause once. If a punk kid makes a complaint about a filthy urinal, lets say, Wilbur will be quick to explain that his urinal scrub brush broke. Or if it’s reported that a toilet is clogged full of shit Wilbur might respond that his rubber gloves are ripped and as soon as he gets replacements the clog will be cleared. He knows how to play the game.

Wilbur doesn’t usually use the facilities at the high school. He usually “holds it in” until he can get back to his apartment were he can take a big dump. He’s got a powerful fan in his apartment bathroom, where as the school latrines have no ventilation and that means the stink stays in the stalls for hours. So, Wilbur tries to shit at home.

One day, however, Wilbur had a big lunch of greasy fried polish sausages, french fries, onion rings and sauerkraut. Wilbur washed that down with his usual 40 oz. malt liquor. (No- you are not allowed to drink alcoholic beverages on school property). But, Wilbur began to feel very very sick after slopping down this big meal of fat and cholesterol. He kept trying to tighten up his sphincter muscle but finally, he had to give in, and let it all out in a massive intestinal evacuation in one of the stalls. Ohhhh- the odor. Luckily for Wilbur, the students had already left for the afternoon.
Story continues below artwork
Wilbur Creampuff, original artwork by Dan Sroka

Wilbur Creampuff, original artwork by Dan Sroka

Wilbur spent a lot of time on the toilet. Waste material was splashed everywhere. Wilbur had made a monumental mess. And then he realized there was no toilet paper in the stall. Wilbur was trapped.

Now, if you were in this situation- would you give Wilbur a roll of toilet paper from another stall, if there was any to be found? Remember that Wilbur is the one that is responsible for the bathroom. And, furthermore, there was no soap- liquid or otherwise in the rest room either. Do you feel sorry for Wilbur? Would you give him a hand?

3/08

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