Wilbur Creampuff is a cautious dude. He's always been that way. For example, on the job (Wilbur is a full time urinal scrubber at the Wilmerding High School ) he always makes sure he wears heavy duty industrial rubber gloves with sleeves up to the elbow and rubber galoshs. It's not that he read this in his urinal scrubbers handbook... it's just good common sense. Wilbur always makes sure that he has his United Urinal Scrubbers Local 51 union card with him on the job, just in case a problem arises that he cannot take care of himself.
Mr. Creampuff is highly educated, having received his GED diploma after dropping out of the aforementioned high school over 20 years back. His academic credentials are something he's quite proud of and he actually utilizes the knowledge he gained in high school on his job. After all, not everyone can move a brush in the proper sequence so as to optimize the sanitation process. Wilbur further uses his "people skills" he gained in high school. For example, occasionally, a teenage punk will come into a rest room and attempt to piss all over a urinal that Mr. Creampuff has just scrubbed up. He knows this punk is doing this intentionally but, rather than confront the ass/punk, Wilbur uses his expertise. He simply asks the punk to go piss in the toilet or floor drain nearby.
Some of the students contend that Wilbur is a fag. After all he's not married, lives at home with his dear mommy, and frequently is seen looking at the boys as they urinate all over the freshly cleaned urinals. There is no credibility to this accusation, however. Wilbur is the first to admit he's a virgin, but there is a solid reason for that, and he sure as hell is not a fag. As a matter of fact, all the porno sites he has book marked on his Commodore computer are heterosexual! And even with that, Wilbur uses caution. When he masturbates, Mr. Creampuff utilizes not one but two latex rubbers and a heavy duty rubber glove. He does not want to give himself Aids!
Wilbur has had his share of problems on the job. The worst was when, after a football game that the team lost, he came into work on saturday morning only to find every urinal in the school filled with shit. Now this pissed Wilbur off. He called the principal and complained and the principal merely told Wilbur "get the job done, you ignorant mother fucker". Mr. Creampuff immediately called the United Urinal Scrubbers Local 51 union steward and the representative told Wilbur "get the job done, you ignorant cock sucking mother fucker". Our hero cleaned up all the shit, working until 8 pm that night, but he took monday and tuesday off the following week.
Another time, several punk students filled his galoshs with urine. Wilbur was so pissed off at that caper that he brought a pistol into school (just to scare the punks). He was arrested and spent 5 days in jail and the local 51 boys sat back, smoking their cigars and pipes, laughing hysterically at the nerd. Right after he got out of jail he received a notice that his union dues have gone up from $200 annually to $500. Wilbur has saved a lot of money from the good salary he makes scrubbing out urinals. He takes home $200 clear every week and he buys at least one US Savings Bond every pay. Another rumor is that he has thousands of savings bonds stashed away. One of his friends and bar room associates has seen them. He said that some go back into the 1970's. Wilbur knows that a prudent individual saves for retirement, and he is a prudent individual. Additionally, he is a member of the United Urinal Scrubbers Local 51 Credit Union where he has a lot of cash. He has a free checking account there, too.
Mr. Creampuff doesn't have too many friends. He's basically a loner, other than the goons he drinks with nightly at the local bars. Creampuff's favorite place is Pedro's Pool Hall where he can watch porno movies in the rear room as he hits quarts of Schlitz Malt. His favorite porno flick is "Debbie Does Dallas". When he watches that, he always eats 2 foot long polish sausages that Pedro cooks up with a secret, special sauce. After the movie, Wilbur staggers home and gets out his rubbers, gloves and galoshs.
You may wonder why Wilbur is a virgin. Well, it has to do with the fact that he's read a lot about various sexually transmitted diseases and he doesn't want to risk it. With his safe practices he can't give himself Aids, so how could he possibly get it, or any other sexually transmitted bug, for that matter? Wilbur is proud to admit he's a virgin and he brags about this freely with his bar hopping associates and even, occassionally to some of the punks in high school.
Wilbur is not only not healthy mentally, but he has some physical problems as well. You see, he likes to drink a lot and he likes to even more. Countless times he has smoked a carton of cigarettes on his urinal scrubbing shift. He has been warned that he cannot smoke on school property yet, he still does it. Remember, he always carries his Local 51 card. At least once the students saw him drinking Schlitz Malt by the quart in the restroom. On that occasion our man was taken to the county jail where he spent the night. The union steward subsequently informed Wilbur that his union dues would double next month.
One night, again at Pedros, after about 10 quarts, 14 packs of Kents, 30
polish sausages, and 6 viewings of Debbie, Wilbur had a problem.
Ending 1
Ending 2
Ending 3
2/08
