satire-by-sroka #9

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Cold Weather/Rising Energy Prices Causing More Shackups

Recently the National Weather Service announced that November and December were the coldest months in recorded US weather history. Cold Canadian air has been pouring down into the continental United States and this has caused some expected problems, and some unexpected ones as well.

From Washington state to Florida and from Maine to California the US is in the grip of one of the most devastating cold periods this nation has known on a contemporary basis. Thousands of wetbacks (illegal aliens) have gone back across the border into Mexico from Texas and California. Hundreds of illegal aliens in Florida have jumped on rafts and headed back to Cuba, where life may be harsher, but warmer.

College football bowl games have been played in blizzard weather conditions. Major interstate highways are at a stand still as traffic cannot move over ice covered roads and massive snow drifts. Emergency conditions have been declared in at least two mid-south states. And, worst of all, energy prices for natural gas and home heating oil are at an all time high and predicted to rise drastically.

So, what are Americans doing to stay warm and occupy their time during this extended inclement/cold period? They are shacking up in record numbers. Evidence gathered by respectable news sources across America has verified that we are in the middle of another developing mini-baby boom currently.

People are fucking each other at home, at work and in the mall parking lots (if they can get there). There is so much sex going on right now that condom manufacturers have had to increase production dramatically just to meat (no word pun intended) the demand. Many men are reporting they have stopped masturbating because it generates more heat if another body is involved.

Who would have thought that the environment, and not some artificial stimulant like viagra, would be responsible for another wave of baby production?

One hot babe from Chicago, an exotic dancer/stripper, with the stage-name of Senorita Stimclit, puts it all in a nut shell. The 19 year old sex pot told us “It’s always frigid here in Chicago in the winter. Those cold winds blow off the lake and make your mini-skirt and platform high heels feel mighty uncomfortable. So, between shows, I have sex with as many guys in the crowd as I can. Sometimes it’s a gang bang type deal- that generates a LOT of human heat. Other times it’s one stud after the next. It’s also good for your weight, too. I’ve gone from 103 lbs. to 100 lbs in no time. And, at $40 a shot, I’m pulling in a lot of cash on the side” chirped out the little mid-American sex pot.

Forecasters are predicting a slight warming trend over the next several week period but in general, the cold winter is going to continue. With the threat of even higher energy prices coming in the future, it is likely Americans are going to be hoppin and poppin each other for some time to come.

4/08

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