Teenage Punk Marries 89 Year Old Woman

Helsinki, Finland. In one of the most bizarre and perverted twists in recent history, a 15 year old high school drop out punk/hoodlum has married an 89 year old geezer. And, if that isn’t shocking enough for you, wait until you learn of the circumstance that initially brought this unlikely couple together in the first place.

They say anything can happen in this land of frozen balls and frigid cakes, and this case just underscores that fact.

The unheard of unison of a young boy and a woman old enough to be his great-grandmother has taken place. The 15 year old punk, Maxim Litovsk, a loser and drop out of the Bothnia Lapland High School, yesterday took the hand of 89 year old Aloysha Paquette, aged spinster, former nun, and alleged child serial rapist. In fact, one of the young boys Aloysha Paquette is accused of violently raping and sodomizing is her new husband and lover!

After the alleged crimes occurred at the Bothnia Lapland High School several months ago, Maxim dropped out of school and went into a severe depression period. He has been diagnosed with clinical geriatric homosexual syndrome, a rare and unusual condition that manifests itself mostly in cold, isolated winter climates. The only thing that could apparently alleviate the mental depression the boy suffered from was to be with the woman he has come to love. The 89 year old coot who robbed him of his dignity, pride and self-esteem.

Maxim told us “I love Aloysha. She is the most caring, loving person I’ve ever known in my many years here in this frigid wasteland. And, the way she inserts the cold barrel of her pistol- well, that just makes me quiver to think about it!”

The new Mrs. Litovsk, who was a nun for 60 years in the Helsinki St. Bonapartism Holy Ecumenical Church, before her alleged crimes spoke with us after the ceremony. “Huh- what- what- huh” were her words of joy pertaining to her marriage to a boy 74 years her junior.

Maxim stated he did not know what he would do to support his aging wife. “I have no skills and I’m mentally disturbed”, the punk candidly indicated. “But when she gets that pistol out and I feel that cold metal against my skin, well, it makes the world a better place”. Aloysha responded with “Huh- what?”

The happy couple indicated they did not plan on having any children. “I just want that gun day and night” commented Maxim, and Aloysha piped in “What- huh?”

4/08

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