Dying Man Confesses He Fucked and Killed Teenage Girl

With only days to live, growing closer to death by the moment, Sludge Santos came clean for the final time. From his death bed at West End Quasi-hospital for the Indigent, Sludge Santos, aka Pissbucket Ignoramus Sludge Santos, or PISS for short, spit up a big chunk of blood and phlegm to go along with his startling revelation.

Santos admitted he killed teenager Dina T. Sedridge several years ago. “She was a good fuck, but she was nuts. Like most seventeen year old sluts, she was mentally ill. She started going berserk listening to that Alanis girl. You know- that crazy one. All the booze, pill popping and fucking around drove her insane. Man she was a good fuck. But I had to kill her”, spouted Santos.

Dr. Skinflint administered a sedative to the dying Sludgemeister. Santos calmed down quickly and resumed his story of sex and murder. “Dina was only 17. And I knew her Mom. I fucked her too. But one night Dina was home alone and I stumbled over to the house. I was drunk, as usual. She looked good so I tore off her clothes and fucked her for an hour straight. I filled her up with love juice. There I was, old enough to be her grandfather, fucking a 17 year old. Well, it was too good to be true.

Sludge Santos spit up a chunk of blood the size of a finger onto his death bed. He continued- “That girl was crazy I tell you. She started playing that crazy singer Alanis, and it got her all hopped up. It was like a maniac. She was singing all this nutty bullshit and I told her to stop..stop. She did not listen- just kept on with it. ‘Empty bottle with holes along the bottom*’, ‘Mr. Duplicity’, and a lot of mumbo-jumbo crazy talk. I couldn’t take it I tell you. I snapped. Even though she was a pretty girl and a great fuck... I had to kill her”, cried Santos, as blood poured out of the corner of his mouth and nose.

“I strangled her right then and there. She would not stop that music. I went bonkers. I threw her body in the back of my pickup truck and drove over to her boyfriends house and tossed her dead body out on the sidewalk. They never found out who killed her- but it was me, after I fucked her good. She deserved it- playing that devil Alanis”.

Skinflint gave Santos a syringe full of morphine and the Sludgster nodded off into a peaceful sleep, as blood dripped out of his tear ducts, nose and mouth. Dr. Skinflint told us “he’ll be dead soon. He’s in an induced fatal coma”.

Santos died, but it was not peacefully. Isn’t it ironic- the nurses at the West End Quasi-hospital for the Indigent were having their holiday party as Sludge passed away. And who do you think they were rocking out to? Why Alanis Morissette, of course. Sludge has died and gone to hell. And in hell I’m sure he will find a lot of empty bottles with holes along the bottom.

*Alanis Morissette, 1995. Jagged Little Pill. Dedicated to the most exciting female music artist of all time, Alanis Morissette. (Duh).

2/08

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