Scientist Find Modern-day Caveman

A group of scientist and researchers, on a big booze binge/retreat in Brandon, Manitoba have found what may be the missing link. They have discovered what appears to be a human being, living in a cave, just outside of this town known for drunkards and oddballs.

“It was startling”, cried Edward Edema, a Nanotechnologist from Wisconsin. “We have a lot of crackpots and beserkos in my home state, but I’ve never seen anything like this. This beast is a real caveman. He can’t speak any known language, not even the pseudo-language used in the area (which is known as Brandonese) and is nothing more than a series of crude, rudimentary grunts and gurgles.”

Edema and hundreds of other so-called scholars were on a weekend blowout/booze trip up in the Canadian wilderness. Drinking heavily in Brandon is a way of life. The winos have a big drunkfest there every year. So the eggheads, who are known to drink with the best of them, were invited up to “drink till you drop.” But what was not expected was finding a startling discovery that might forever change the course of human history.

Edema’s peer and fellow heavy drinker Dr. Poindexter Skinflint of Milwaukee concurred. “I’d only had 2 half-gallons of vodka- so I wasn’t even feeling a buzz. I saw this monster in the cave. It was scary. All I could do was run back to the saloon and get smashed. I took a 100 cc syringe, filled it with vodka, and shot it straight in my jugular vein. I don’t recall anything after that,” cried Skinflint.

Edward Edema stated that the cave beast was hunched over, but he thought it might be about 6 foot tall, and about 400 lbs. “It looked like a modern day caveman.” Edema further elaborated the only contents found in the cave, other than this beast, were mounds of broken beer bottles, liquor bottles and gallon jugs of wine. “This thing must live on booze,” shuddered Edema, as he took a big swig from his bottle of CC.

The egghead booze convention ended abruptly once the alcoholics learned about the beast living in a cave in Brandon. “You expect to see this in the bars here, but not in a cave”, commented Dr. J.J. Undercyclothyme, renowned Psychiatrist and heavy drinker. “We got out of town and out of Canada right away.”

Before the boozers skipped Brandon, they told the Royal Canadian Mounted Gestapo about the cave beast. A report was registered about this so called missing link, but the police seemed disbelieving, in part because the scientists were all well sauced up.

Once the drunkard eggheads returned to American soil they conferred with this writer/artist. Based upon their collective descriptions, a rendering of this cave dwelling beast from Brandon was made. This is a gruesome depiction, so if you are of a weak constitution you may not want to view this image of the modern-day caveman.

2/08

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