satire-by-sroka #29

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satire-by-sroka

Eating On A Shoe String Budget

Once again, it is time for college and university students to return to the classrooms. As always, students don’t have the money to buy the necessities they need, like toilet paper and toothpaste, let alone food. Since this writer is a caring individual, I have consulted with one of the most respected Chefs in America- Chef Qball Beluga. He has graciously offered the following menus that will permit our cash-starved college students to eat a lot of food on a street bum’s budget.

Beluga offers the following menus that will save you lots of money:

Brine Carrots Newburg- cook 10 lbs of carrots (they are cheap) in a big pot of rock salt/road salt (you can easily steal this from any municipal rock salt shelter) and water. Boil overnight. In the morning you’ll have a big pot of orange salty mush that will feed 5 people for a week.

Sautéed Tree Bark- collect large chunks of any type of bark from a tree (avoid the lower areas where dogs piss) and fry this up in a large skillet with weeds (avoid poison ivy and oak). Used motor oil from your Dad’s jalopy makes a good cooking oil- and it’s cheap. Fry well until the bark turns black. Serves 1-15.

Wieners and Beans- get the generic meat wieners (you know- the ones that are $0.69 lb) and a package of dried beans. Cook the beans overnight in dishwashing liquid (this gives them flavor) then add the wieners whole. Makes a breakfast that will have you shitting the rest of the day.

Hominy and Sauerkraut- get the large economy restaurant size cans of white hominy and German Sauerkraut. You can make dozens of meals from this stuff. Mix the two together, boiling overnight. Then fry the mush ball in the morning. This will keep you clogged up for weeks at a time.

Canned dog food and bagged cat food- it sounds horrible, but if you mix these two up and freeze the concoction in little containers- you’ll have a ready-made instant snack that will make your friends and classmates wonder “what the fuck is he/she eating now?”

Rotten Fruit Salad- many supermarkets will give you the fruit they are ready to toss for free. Just ask! Think of all the sloppy messes you could make with this. Use your imagination.

Night Crawlers- boy- these babies are nutritious and cheap (free). Get out a shovel and go to town. Wash them off- and you’ll get more protein than the law allows for the price.

Cardboard Liner Soup- regular cardboard can go a long way. Cook up a few boxes you got from that supermarket that gave you the rotten fruit. Cook overnight. This stuff will feed a lot of people for free!

Again- use your imagination. These suggestions by the Beluga can open up a whole world of savings to you. Remember, it’s more important to pay the tuition than to eat correctly.

8/08

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