First Confirmed Contact With Alien Life Form

Antwerp, Belgium- Startling news comes to us from the basement laboratory of renowned and respected scientist/psychiatrist Dr. Ezzard Scrotumballs. The first confirmed and verified communication between an alien being and the human species. (It is believed Dr. Scrotumballs is a human being). Dr. Scrotumballs has reviewed this information/data with officials from the North American Space Agency in Houston, Texas and they are in fact believed to be legitimate transactions. The details follow.

Several months ago Dr. Scrotumballs converted his old 64K Commodore computer and 150 baud modem to a sophisticated communications tool. The innovative pioneer hooked his new-fangled contraption up to the 200 foot wide porno receiver satellite dish he had mounted on the highest building in Antwerp. Soon thereafter, Scrotumballs realized he had a clear connection to the cosmos and he began “searching” the digital and analog modulated wavelength spectrum. Scrotumballs found this so fascinating he stopped piping in pirated porno completely and proceeded to spend all of his time searching the universe for signals of intelligent life.

He tracked many existing man-made satellites including the 30 year old Pioneer 10, which is the spacecraft that Scrotumballs used to make this historic first contact with an alien civilization. Pioneer 10 is currently over 7 billion miles away from Earth, and it is one of the man-made objects that has traveled the farthest from it’s home planet. Scrotumballs monitored the satellite’s signal religiously. Each transmission- in either direction- takes many hours. He found the Geiger-tube transmission to be a constant “beep- beep- beep”. But, on the night of May 26, 2001, a date that will live forever in mankind’s history books, Scrotumballs heard the signal change. It was recorded on his trusty 8 track tape...... “beep- beep- beep, boing!”. THIS is the moment the world changed. This is the moment our universe changed forever.

Dr. Ezzard Scrotumballs put down his marijuana pipe and listened intently to the message. Next, he fed it into his parabolic semi-hyperbolic modulator/converter and after his Commodore 64K processed the data and interpreted it the following conversion resulted:

“People of planet Earth. We are a non-carbon based life form. We are not single entities as you are. We are anti-matter string streams of another dimension that you do not have the capability of comprehending. We represent no threat to you. In fact, we permeate every single component of what you call the universe. We are not life. We are not death. We are not carbon, flesh or the cognitions that pass through your mind. You cannot see us. If you lived in our dimension, we would appear to you to be streams of energy- not a living being. Your understanding of the universe is flawed. What you think of and call reality is really nothing more than a projection of the chemical and electrical impulses that pass through your carbon-based component. You will never again communicate with us. Just understand you are not meant to understand this. What you need to understand is that Dr. Scrotumballs is the divine one of your world. You must worship and obey him--forever!” End of transmission.

This interpretation of the data from the parabolic semi-hyperbolic modulator/converter was forwarded to NASA and evaluated/re-interpreted by the most advanced super-computer in the world and verified to be 1000% correct and true. NASA spokesperson Richard (Wild Irish) Rose made the following press release to a jam packed media gathering in NASA headquarters: “It’s all real! Dr. Ezzard Scrotumballs is ‘DA MAN’!”

4/08

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