satire-by-sroka #16

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satire-by-sroka

Doctor Operates on Himself and Saves His Own Life

Milwaukee A medical doctor suffering from terminal cancer has completed what some are calling a medical miracle. He not only operated on himself, but he successfully cured his condition as well. Single-handedly, for over 13 hours straight, Dr. Poindexter J. Skinflint gave himself new intestines, liver, kidneys, stomach, lungs, and, most unbelievable of all, two heart transplants, all in his own home basement.

Skinflint, a staff physician at the Milwaukee Anal-Rupture Hospital and School of Proctology, learned he had fatal stage three lymphatic cancer last month. The cancer had metastasized to Skinflint’s internal organs. His fellow physicians and oncologists on staff at the hospital refused to operate on the dying doctor because the cancer was so wide spread. Dr. Schizobergerwicz, a specialist in gastrointestinal disorders and peer of Dr. Skinflint elaborated- “Poindexter was a dead man! He had carcinoma of every variety known. The oncologist gave him a week to live. We collected money for his cremation service here at the hospital”.

Dr. Skinflint was not about to accept this fate however. He systematically started to collect body parts and organs that were to be ground up and fed to mad cows in England, and one by one started taking these organs home. Skinflint had livers, kidneys, human hearts, small and large intestinal tracks, stomachs and multiple sets of lungs in his basement refrigerator, in preparation for his self administered, life saving operation.

Dr. Poindexter Skinflint was growing weak, day by day. So, on saturday, he set up a make-shift operating room in the basement and after the contents of a large bottle of vodka was circulating through his body, he began this heretofore uncharted self operation to save his own life.

“I had no other alternative” stated Dr. Skinflint, as he administered a post operation medical tonic of a large glass of vodka and vegetable juice to himself. “I had to save my life. I got out my infrequently used chain saw and carefully and methodically cut open my abdominal cavity. I did the intestinal transplant first, as that was my clinical specialty. Lucky for me, I had a mile of intestines in my refrigerator. Next, my heart was failing, so I gave myself the first of two heart transplants. The bulls heart I initially used was pretty big, and I realized I didn’t have room for my lungs, so I took them both out and put in the heart of a human who was just killed in a car accident. From there the lungs, stomach and kidneys followed. My old liver was calcified beyond all repair, after 40 years of heavy boozing, so I replaced that with the liver of a man and another of a female. So, I now have two livers and I can drink twice as hard. I figure I lost about 13 pints of blood. However, the vodka kept me pretty pickled and I did not notice it all that much. After I sewed myself up, I fell asleep right on the operating table. Next thing you know, I woke up about 20 hours after I’d finished, and I felt as strong as a bull”.

Dr. Skinflint stated that he does not consider himself a hero or a pioneer. “I’m just your average alcoholic physician with a desperate desire to live long so I can drink more” stated Skinflint, as he poured a 16 oz. glass of straight vodka and drank hard and fast.

11/08

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