Earth in Peril

Houston, Texas. You are constantly being bombarded by news stories and warnings that our wonderful little blue planet is in danger. Some scientist/astronomer has discovered a remote object, 500 octillion light years from us, that is headed our way. It will impact the Earth within the next 8 trillion years and destroy everything. Or it’s a threat of global warming/greenhouse effect that is going to cause the polar caps to melt and flood the globe to the point that coastal areas will be submerged.

Well, there is another threat to our wonderful home, every bit as viable and real as some asteroid charging toward Earth or rising temperatures altering the environment. This has to do with, of all things, the people that inhabit this world.

You see, great minds like Dr. Ezzard Scrotumballs have known for some time that the weight of the Earth had increased and shifted. And it is to the point now where this differential is likely to cause a catastrophic problem that will negatively impact the planet and all life that it harbors.

Scrotumballs has studied this human shift for decades. He has written critically acclaimed scholarly papers on the phenomenon, but they have gone unheeded by the scientific community. Now, the evidence is compelling that his hypothesis is valid and credible, and it’s just about too late. You see, you are doomed, and it’s your own fault!

Dr. Scrotumballs postulates that the Western Hemisphere, with it’s excessively obese fat population- (that’s you and me) far outweighs the Eastern Hemisphere of the Earth and this is causing the orbit of the planet to gradually change. As a result, the top heavy west has shifted downward and this has caused our entire solar system to “fall” out of the normal cluster group we reside in (in our sector of the Milky Way Galaxy). Scrotumballs has ascertained that the Earth is already in a trajectory that will force our solar system into the center of our Galaxy- which, of course is a black hole. For you non-scientific types- that means you are dead.

That’s the good news, believe it or not! The bad news is that even if all you big fat lardos lost all the weight you need to lose (like that would happen) and the hemispherical balance was restored, you are still going down into that black hole!

So, all of you human heifers and beefy blimps can just keep consuming anything and everything you can get your hands and your big jaws on- cause it’s too late now- and it’s all your fault! You’ve destroyed yourself, and now you have the guilt of wrecking the entire planet on your hands, as well.

10/08

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