Magpie's Advice Column

 Questions and Answers 

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Look Magpie:

I got a problem. I can't control my bowels. I just let out a big load anywhere I may be- in the train depot, in a restraunt, in the bed. One time I was fucking this babe I'd paid $20 to for sex and just as I was about to cum I blew out a bucket of shit all over myself and the slut I was with. Hell, I'm not too concerned with the needs or rights of others but, well, frankly THAT was embarrasing. I actually got some pleasure out of it however. After it blew out I lost my desire to cum. Another time I was in a theatre with one of my fag buddies and I just blew it all over like a penguin- man- there was shit everywhere- for rows around. Another time I was walking down the main street in Philadelphia and I had to go immediately- so I dumped a load right in my pants and left a trail of shit from 13th to East. Obviously I don't wear any underware as I'm always shitting myself. I've tried to get constipated by eating a 40 oz. jar of peanut butter (without bread) but all that did was make my shit stink more than it usually does. So, I'm in a real predicament. Do you have any suggestions?

Buckminster Brownpants aka: Shitpants

Dear Shitpants:
Well, you know there are a lot of perverts that are into that kind of kinky SHIT. You could actually make money off of your unfortunate condition! Contact one of your local porno movie production facilities and tell them of your condition. I'm sure they'd hire your ass to do a lot of anal shit shots, ass reaming volcano explosions and other down and dirty stuff. Just think- you could be making lots of money for all that shit you are laying all over the place!

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Mr. Magpie:
Please give me your advice. I'm a big fan of yours. I read your column religiously. You are God's gift to the advice columns! Anyway- here's the situation. I'm 13- a school bopper and attractive, I'm dating a guy who's 15. He goes to another school in another neighborhood. Well, on friday and saturday night we go out and shack up in his car out in the woods and fields. But, last week end he had it all set up and I had to blow all his high school buddies, one after another. I think it was 42 of em on friday and about 80 on saturday. I don't know if this is normal for a girl to be put under this kind of pressure by her boyfriend? Some of my friends say it's ok- they've done MORE than that but a couple of other school boppers told me they'd never do anything like that and I'm a fool! Anyway, my boyfriend told me next friday and saturday he was going to take me to the local army base "for a real workout". He told me he's buying a new video camera too. I'm not sure I like the sounds of that! What do you think, Magpie?

Jill B.J.
East Hackensack, NJ


Dear B.J.:
Sounds like you're a fool alright. I'd advise you to drop your current boyfriend and branch out to other "fish in the sea". There are plenty of guys around waiting for your BJ action. Why stay with one guy and get action from 40-80 or more when you could be dating hundereds of guys and be getting thousands or tens of thousands? You'll be so popular you'll be doing nothing but giving out blow jobs 24 hours a day, 365 days a year! I'll be flying around Hackensack next week so make room for me on your schedule!

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