Dan Sroka's Digital Diarrhea News Service News Briefs

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Dan Sroka's Digital Diarrhea News Service News Briefs V3

Old Slut Breaks Down- Admits to Raping Young Boys

Helsinki, Finland (DDNS) A ruthless perverted old bitch and uncontrolled sex addict has turned herself into the Police in Helsinki. Lapland cops had been searching for the old geezer since she went on a sexual rampage molesting no less than 30 grade school boys in two separate rape sprees in this northern city of frozen balls and ice covered clits.

Aloysha Paquette, the 89 year old jailbird and sexual spinster, broke down in tears admitting she “ fucked every boy from here to Oulu” and turned in her worn out anal-explorer dildo. “I can’t go on like this” cried out the nasty bitch, as Police Private Bjorn Korjd roughed up the old geezer with a couple solid punches to the gut and an uppercut that sent her to the hard cement below. “That’s for fucking my nephew”, spilled out Korjd, as he picked up the bleeding old timer and tossed her in the Cold Retainer Jail #51.

Lapland cops announced they are bringing in Warsaw Police Chief Igor Razapatowicz who has a lot of experience ass-whipping helpless old studdabubbas to give Aloysha Paquette “an ass beating she won’t soon forget!”

Teen Found Dead on City Street

Pittsburgh, PA (DDNS) A 17 year old from nearby Wilmerding High School was found dead on the front sidewalk of her boyfriends home. Dina T. Sedridge was pronounced dead on the scene by county Coroner Dr. Josepi Preferation. “It’s a shame”, stated Preferation, “cause she was a pretty girl who had a great body that any man would want to pound all night long. I’m taking her back to the morgue for a good workout. That’s off the record, by the way.”

Sedridge, a popular senior at Wilmerding High School, was planning on attending the “ Culinary Farts Program ” post graduation. She always wanted to be a chef, according to one of Sedridge’s high school chums.

Her boyfriend is not a suspect in her death. He was out drinking all night with fellow high school punks and the school janitor, Wilbur Creampuff. “We have solid verifiable evidence he was not with the girl but rather was drinking with his high school peers all night long” stated DA Frank Scrotumballs.

Officials are not sure what caused the girls death but it is rumored she was a user of drugs and hit the bottle pretty hard, too.

California Wino Grows Special Vintage

San Bernardino, CA (DDNS) A local man has won the CA. State Award for Rot gut Production. He’s known as “PISS”, cause he pisses a lot. His longer name is Pissbucket Ignoramus Sludge Santos, and he has a reputation for drinking lots of beer. Recently however he changed his image and started a vineyard in the San Bernardino valley.

“I’m like that Carlo Rossi character”, boasted PISS, as he consumed glass after glass of his gourmet 19% alcohol white port. “I like to make wine, but I’d much rather drink it all up! This stuff is so potent just one jug of it will put me on the floor and I’ve been drinking heavily everyday for the last 41 years. I got tired of drinking hundreds of cans or bottles of beer or malt daily. With this- I drink one jug and I’m bombed!” boasted the alcoholic piss machine.

We inquired if PISS was going to sell any of his special vintage and his reply was a solid “not on your fucking life, buddy. I’m gonna drink all 20,000 gallons of it myself!”

3/08

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