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Dan Sroka Presents Digital Diarrhea Volume #9

Urban Urinals Take Hold

(DDNS) Across America, from Maine to California, you’ll be seeing them. And soon, the whole world will be using them. The latest craze to sweep the land is open public urinals. They are officially called “ urban urinals ”, for they are designed for city use.

The creation of none other than Pissbucket Ignoramus Sludge Santos , a pioneering entrepreneur in the field of bile/urine production, the urban urinal has experienced phenomenal growth in just 3 short months. Over 30,000 of the bright yellow structures have been put in place in such metropolitan dynamos as Chicago, New Orleans, New York, Baltimore, Portland and scores of other cities.

Urban Urinal creator and President Pissbucket Ignoramus Sludge Santos explains the popularity of his new device: “Let’s face it- men need to piss, and piss a lot! Especially those men like me that drink a lot of beer. I’m drinking from the moment I wake up until the moment I pass out for the final time at the end of the day. Consequently, I’m pissing anywhere from 200 to 3,000 times in any one day. So, it was pretty easy to come up with the idea of having a convenient place to piss. I got the idea, even though I was absolutely plastered, of putting up a few walls and there you have it. A place where any man can walk up, pull out his dick, and just let it all out. ”

Pull up, whip out your dick- and piss away

“I thought the bright yellow color spoke for itself. It’s a non-verbal clue to any man that needs to piss screaming out ‘ Here I am- Piss on me ’. I approached a manufacturing firm with my idea and they took it right up. Stockholders began buying up shares of “Urban Urinals, Inc.” and before you know it the company is worth over $30 million.”

The urban urinal concept is growing so fast the company cannot keep up with orders. The backorder list for these simple yet utilitarian structures is currently 65,000. There are an estimated 30,000 urban urinals in place. The city with the distinction of housing the most open public urinals is Philadelphia. There are 1,050 urban urinals in the city of brotherly love. One Philadelphian, who did not wish to be identified told us “man, we love em. Just pull up, piss all over the wall, and walk out relieved and ready for another 40 oz. malt. You know what I mean, brother!”

Digital Diarrhea News Service questioned Pissbucket Ignoramus Sludge Santos about the potential health hazard of having urine all over city streets and everything else. Note- the Urban Urinal has no drainage. The piss just sits on the sidewalk or asphalt below it. Santos’ response was a terse “That don’t matter. Men need to piss”.

So, expect to see the urban urinal in your community very soon. Santos estimates there will be a million in place by the year 2000. And, just in case you are wondering- Santos says he has no intention of producing an urban urinal for women. “ Fuck them ”, was his only comment.

4/08

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