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Dan Sroka Presents Digital Diarrhea Volume #7

Hard-drinking Slut Brutalizes Innocent Upright Citizen

In a shocking role reversal a woman has brutally attacked and mauled a man. This unlikely scenario happened last night at a local speakeasy/bordello.

Cops arrested Belinda (Boozer) Ballbusto, a 34 year old lady of the house and two of her accomplices at Richards Roughouse on 39th Street at Newton after reports were received of a melee at said address.

The female roughneck was charged with aggravated assault, attempted murder, public intoxication, inciting a riot, disruption of the peace and other civil violations. Her violent and hostile rampage was directed against one of the towns most respected and admired citizens, elderly gentleman Pissbucket Ignoramus Sludge Santos.

From his hospital bed in the CCU of the West End Quasi-hospital for the Indigent, Pissbucket Ignoramus Sludge Santos told our reporter Helena Frenulum Hymen “that nasty fucking bitch beat the shit out of me for no reason!”. Santos, on a heart pacemaking device and on-call
respirator took several deep breaths and continued on with his horrendous and brutal story: “I was sitting there, drinking, oh, about my 46th beer I guess it was, and that god damn slut gave me a dirty look. She was drinking heavily- straight from the rum bottle.” (Pissbucket Ignoramus Sludge Santos takes several heavy drags of oxygen). “So, I said something like ‘I’m an old man just trying to get by...why do you want to hassle me’ and the next thing I knew the bitch ran across the room and attacked me.” (Pissbucket Ignoramus Sludge Santos takes several more heavy drags of oxygen). She busted the rum bottle over my head and gave me several upper cuts. Then I was on the floor helpless and two or three other fucking sluts began pounding on me. I was helpless.” (More oxygen). I pleaded- “stop, stop- I’m an old man. I’ve never hurt anyone. But that just seemed to provoke them more. That bitch stabbed me in the forehead with her high heeled stiletto shoe- kicked me in the ear and punched me in the balls.” (Much more oxygen and deep breathing). “By then I pissed myself and they grabbed me by the head and forced my face right in my piss all over the floor. I cried out for help. But no one came. People were just laughing and shouting ‘Go-Go-Go’. I was never so embarrassed and demoralized.”

Reporter Helena Frenulum Hymen checked with several witnesses at the bordello/speakeasy and the consensus was on the side of Santos.
“He’s a clean cut family man who wouldn’t hurt a fly” according to one bordello regular, who would only say his name was “Mr. X”. “That babe (referring to Belinda (Boozer) Ballbusto) is a maniac, drunkard, roughneck and most of all- a vindictive man hating slut! I’ve seen her beat up on many a righteous man here. Santos did nothing to warrant that vicious ass beating she and her friends put on him.”

Another witness, known to the bar/bordello crowd as LD Damster concurred. “That slut should be put in jail for life. I’m a law enforcement official and if this was my district I’d throw the book at that fucking alcoholic hussy. She’s a no good bitch that deserves a gang rape to set her straight.”

Belinda (Boozer) Ballbusto and her two slutty roughneck friends are lodged in the West End Holding Pen for Sluts Who Beat Up Men without bond. Hymen was not permitted to see or speak with any of these vicious drunkard sluts.

The innocent victim, elderly gentleman Pissbucket Ignoramus Sludge Santos, remains in the CCU in critical condition. CCU physicians have hooked him up to an endless supply of draft beer straight into his jugular vein to prevent him from going into DTs on top of his already serious medical problems. The CCU team believes he has a 50-50 chance of pulling through. “Without that direct IV of beer he’d be gone” proclaimed the CCU lead physician.

4/08

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