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Dan Sroka Presents Digital Diarrhea Volume #5

Pissbucket Ignoramus Sludge Santos

We all have met some crude, undeveloped, ignorant selfish morons in our lives. Through the miracle of the internet you have the opportunity to meet one of the most vile, stupid goons around today. His name is “Pissbucket Ignoramus Sludge Santos”. His friends, the few he has, simply call him “PISS” for short.

Pissbucket Ignoramus Sludge Santos is one ugly old ornery cuss. You probably can guess what he’s about. He’s a grubby, old, fat, beer-guzzling, gruesome, uneducated stooge who spends lots of time at his local bar dreaming about his glory days 20 years earlier. He’d be standing at the bar with you telling you all the boring stories of his past and just blow out a big fucking putrid fart right in your face and not even acknowledge that it happened. You move away slowly or quickly--depending on your tolerance for stench!

Wow... that mother fucker stunk! Half the place was cleared out with just one of his bombs! PISS is the kind of guy who would be standing there talking to you and he’d just let out a big stream of piss right in his pants, and continue with his story about the time he saw the Rolling Stones in 1967. Well, that’s where his nickname came into play. One rumor is that he keeps an old galvanized bucket next to his bed and when he has to take a piss he just hangs over the side of the bed and urinates right there. When the bucket’s full, he just tosses it out the window onto the street below. Many a neighborhood victims have been splattered with PISS’s piss.

As you can probably guess, Pissbucket Ignoramus Sludge Santos stinks. With urine all over his clothing, shit in his pants, perspiration and stench permeate his immediate space. Soap and water are alien to PISS. But beer, well, there is plenty of beer in his world. He smells of beer morning, afternoon and night. That’s why he pisses so much. He’ll head out to his neighborhood bar just moments after he wakes up stupored in the morning, tosses the bucket full of piss out his window, and puts on his urine and shit covered clothes. Breakfast for Pissbucket Ignoramus Sludge Santos is 4 quarts of beer and a left-over Polish sausage someone left on the bar.

Now, I know what you are thinking. How does this “mother fucker” support himself and get the money to buy all this beer? Good question. (Shows you are paying attention!) He has no job. Here’s the secret. PISS gets welfare, but that only supports a small portion of his elegant life style. His real money comes from the medical study he is a participant in. You see, the medical authorities know the habits and patterns of Pissbucket Ignoramus Sludge Santos, so they are studying him. For over 6 years he’s been a member of the hepatic calcification/renal failure clinical study being done at a famous local university medical center. To put it simply, PISS comes in weekly, (drunk or not) and gives a sample of his urine and foul stool. He gets an annual physical checkup, and that’s it. The university pays him a healthy weekly stipend- enough for Pissbucket Ignoramus Sludge Santos to drink a lot of beer. Isn’t this name “PISS” more than ironic?

He’s over there now. Smell him? Listen, there he goes’s again. “When I was a young man back in the 60’s I fucked every woman in town. Your wife was pretty good. When you were down in the basement sawing two-by-fours, I was fucking her right on your kitchen table. And you didn’t even know it. She wasn’t fat then. Man, she took it orally and anally and then she made me a big meal as a reward. You dumb fuck- I ate your steak that night.”

Well, you get the picture. Have you had enough? You see, this guy is not easy to take. He’s not well liked, and does not have many friends. God, another big bomb just blew out of his ass. Piss is dribbling down his legs. At least all that stench hides his bad breath.

As I said before, we all have met some crude, undeveloped, ignorant selfish morons. You have met one of the worst. I hear that Pissbucket Ignoramus Sludge Santos reportedly has enjoyed your company and is requesting that you invite him into your home. Have plenty of beer, deodorizer, and sausage available. And don’t go down in the basement and saw any two-by-fours while he’s there!

NOTE: Background screen color provided courtesy of PISS's piss (bile).

4/08

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