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Man Marries Two Cows
Fulda, Minnesota (DDNS) Farmer Hoover
Damster III has once again gone against the grain (no pun intended). The rebellious 41 year old crop farmer and groundhog connoisseur has bucked
the system once more and yesterday was married by the local Justice of the
Peace to his two prize cows, Elsie (brown) and Lilly Pitunia (white).
State law forbids marriage to anything but another human being or
chimpanzee, but, in this particular situation, the magistrate permitted
the union.
Magistrate LD (Long Doink ) Damster, who is a half brother of groom
Hoover proclaimed Elsie, Lilly Pitunia and Hoover Damster III man and
wives before the ceremony held in the Big East barn on Damsters 1,200 acre
farm southwest of Minneapolis. No one attended the wedding but the two men
and the two cows. Long Doink stated “state law is overridden in this
particular case. He’s my brother, and I know how good Elsie can be. I
shacked up with her, and well, for that matter Lilly Pitunia too, several
weeks ago. They both know how to put a groove on you! Once you been in one
of those mid western girls you ain’t going back to nothing
else.”
Hoover was all elated and overcome with joy on his first day of marriage.
“Two big heifers all to myself, all the groundhogs I can eat, lots of
open spaces and a brother in the legal field.... what more could anyone
ask for!?”
The Damster boys made a bee Line to the Big East barn as soon as the brief
ceremony ended and our Digital Diarrhea reporter Helena Frenulum Hymen
made a trip all the way from her St. Paul office to interview the man
and his two cows. As Hymen approached the Big East barn she could hear a
lot of moaning and groaning (human) and a lot of mooing and loud
gastrointestinal eruptions (apparently from the cows). Soon afterwards
Helena Frenulum Hymen reported she was savagely bitten in the shin by a big rodent. Bleeding profusely from the wound, our reporter had to seek immediate medical treatment at the Fulda Veterinary Hospital, the only hospital within 30 miles of the Hoover Damster III farm. She was treated
for lockjaw and will have to undergo painful shots for the next two weeks
to prevent rabies. Our reporter obviously never got to speak with the
Damster boys or the cows.
Hoover and Long Doink have not been seen since the marriage, but a lot of noise has been reported coming from the Big East barn. Police have been
summoned to the farm but will not approach the property because so many
groundhogs are roaming that property.
Police stated that Magistrate LD ( Long Doink ) Damster is
officially “unaccounted for” in his district and if he does not
report his whereabouts to the county officials by Wednesday he will be
dismissed as a member of the court. All phone calls to farmer Hoover
Damster III’s house have gone unanswered.
Copyright © Dan Sroka, 5/22/99, 
4/08
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