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Dan Sroka August 1997 Calendar
- 1 Mike Tyson has a pleasant dream: one by one he bites the ears off of
Frazier, Joe Louis, Marciano, Jeffries, Max Baer, Dempsey, John L.
Sullivan, Liston, Johansson, Foreman, Jersey Joe Walcott, Burns, Tunney,
Floyd Patterson, Ali, Holmes, and Schmeling
- 1 Joe Campbell, Jung and Sagan have a party...the boys decide to send
a dodecahedron to another dimension--this ones for Chopra
- 1 The famous slob Sheister Doughboy
decides that he has sacrificed too much for too many in his life and now
its time for him to live off the fat of the land..... the glutton decides
to become a pig farmer
- 1 Boulder Cops inform the media that Jon Benet Ramseys grave is empty!
The Ramseys, through their lawyer, make a statement: We know not where
little Jon Benet is..... refer to Psalm 118
- 1 Cashman tells the Flyers to shove it and signs a multi-million
dollar long term contract with the new Columbus Meltdowns
- 1 The Beijing Daily publishes a story that the Send-down Youth are
being ordered to the Yangtze valley for the 2nd Liberation
- 1 KCBS reports that Lasorda has had 37 heart
attacks already this morning but his doctors say the big boy is doing
extremely well and should be able to take in 18 holes of golf this afternoon with OJ
- 2 The Pathfinder signals JPL that the Sojourner is down in the center of Mars but NASA/Houston calls this a blantant lie. The public is quite confused
- 2 In a special editorial the New York Times announces that they
finally have definitive/unequivocal proof that God IS dead. One of their
reporters had an out-of-body experience the other night, after consuming a
lot of drugs. He was at a party with Sagan, Jung and Campbell and Joe
looked him straight in the eyes and told him the Formless form of the
creator has passed and Yahweh is forever gone. The reporter, whos name
will not be released by the Times, died suddenly after revealing this to
the editor in chief
- 2 Boozed up SamboRambo and hashed up dopeking Heroinballs attend a PISS game at the civic arena. Sambo passes out and misses the entire game as the Phila. Slaves bomb the Pittsburgh Pissants 5 to 0.
- 2 FBI director Freeh reports the following have been eliminated for
watching illegal digital porn movies (and not paying)-
ppp2030.shonan-inet.or.jp, dial-48.r03.scmbch.infoave.net,
slip129-37-113-143.pa.us.ibm.net, net307.border.net,
annex1-p1.dr.cgocable.ca, chs0107.awod.com, alb-nm4-10.ix.netcom.com,
208.128.124.85, fw.marlink.com, ww-te41.proxy.aol.com,
spr1-cs-5.dial.mhtc.net, digger1.defence.gov.au,
stud127.leeds-lcot.ac.uk, cda0-19.iea.com, bedwards.gps.com,
async3-1.sunnerboskolan.ljungby.se, ww-tk21.proxy.aol.com,
metro.ucc.su.oz.au, 1cust49.max1.edmonton.ab.ms.uu.net,
ez53.superlink.net, webproxy1.paging.mot.com, ppp61.keyworld.net,
btr-25-146.tm.net.my, dial-27.r02.scbuft.infoave.net,
ww-tl02.proxy.aol.com, dial6-async10.dial.net.nyu.edu,
slip34_tserv4.eafit.edu.co, babylon.mit.edu, basfegw.basf-corp.com, and lyra.cs.uiuc.edu
- 2 Lasorda, powered by an artificial heart solenoid, takes in 18 holes
with OJ. OJ tells big boy that he attended a funeral for a friend last
night and he kept hearing Love Lies Bleeding in my Hands during the
service. Lasorda sits down to catch his breath and tells Mr. OJ a secret.
I have been dead so many times its a sin. My son, you have nothing to fear
unless Yahweh is dead! OJ starts sweating bullets as a cool breeze
blows through the countryside
- 2 George Bush announces that NASA is being kicked out of
Houston....The Republic of Texas now has its own space agency which is a
joint venture between Texas and Mexico. The Tex-Mex Cosmic Agency (TMCA)
begins operations on monday August 4
- 3 The LA DAs office receives this (mis-directed email) from Teiresias:
I say that you are the murderer whom you seek
- 3 Jacques Chirac, Kohl and Blair hold a secret meeting in Bonn.
Clinton, Gore, Jesse Helms and Cervantes de Gortari hold a secret meeting
at Dom Capers house
- 3 The Swedish liquor industry unites to undermine Harry Franzen. Rural
illegal distilling hits an all time record high
- 3 Ed Roland is asking you: Do you know where the sun goes When the waterfalls? Will Turpin is asking you: Do you know where the rain goes
When the waterfalls?
- 3 Pman gets one last fling with Ice Princess- and she does the job on him. IP tells Pman good bye as she takes a trip to Eskifjordur
- 3 Walking through the graveyard at midnight, PLG has a weird
experience....a little girl resembeling Jon Benet Ramsey comes to her and
whispers Go to Absurdistan. PLG is confused and startled by this session and goes to Moms Mableys grave to say some prayers...at Moms site- PLG is startled again....the grave is empty. PLG sees something down there however and climbs down into the pit and finds a dodecahedron. Not able to believe any of this, PLG heads back to the north hills
- 3 NASA announces that it is moving headquarters to Montreal and it
will be re-named the Quasi-French Northern North American Space Agency.
Brad Smith will become a Canadian citizen so that he can be appointed the
new QNNASA Director. Brad infoms CBC that all space endeavors will be
launched from the honorary Jacques Chirac Cosmic Launch Grounds at Natashquan.
- 4 The Tex-Mex Cosmic Agency (TMCA) sends scrambled digital signals to
the Pathfinder. JPL sends unscrambled analog signals at the same time. The
Pathfinder is unable to interpret any of this and sends a pulse microwave
signal to Sojourner which causes it to dig deeper into the bowels of the Red Planet
- 4 QNNASA sends an analog/digital message to the center of Mars to activate Sojourners silicone neuron/silicone retina
- 4 A person that looks very much like Moms Mabley knocks on PLGs door.
PLG answers and is stunned (as usual). Moms demands the dodecahedron and
tells PLG, in no uncertain terms, ignore anything you may have heard about
Absurdistan! Moms leaves, clearly pissed off!
- 4 Ice Princess lands in Eskifjordur, and it IS cold. Pman sweats it out as its 103 in the shade. He wishes that it was December
- 4 Buckminster Shitpants holds a meeting of the Federated Unionized International Brotherhood of CaveBeings but the meeting is cancelled when
the gruesome beast, true to his name, shits his pants ....the members in attendance get very upset at this and go on strike. The boys picket with make-shift signs reading
- 4 Sagan tells Campbell and Jung that the dodecahedron is in the wrong hands and must be given to Deepak
- 4 After work, Hardturd hits the Wilkinsburg Night Train Express Club
for a slopfest. From the pay phone at the bar, Hardturd calls
800-848-5891, 800-721-6973, 800-484-3271 and 800-722-7932 before he passes
out. SamboRambo, who himself is stoned, picks up the chief and takes him
to a park bench where he can sleep undisturbed
- 5 The Sojourner crawls up out of the center of Mars to the surface.
The rover sends a signal to the Pathfinder.....I aint taking no more
orders from those assholes on earth! Sojourner
tells Pathfinder that the core of Mars is filled with hyperbolic
dodecahedrons. The Pathfinder does not understand this message and fires
off a message to Houston which is intercepted by the Tex-Mex Cosmic
Agency. TMCA Director Alena Ivanovna consults with Czar George Bush about
this startling information
- 5 Dope-head Heroinballs, smashed on mescaline, Nalline, psilocybin, amidone, nembutal, Chlordiazepoxide and Librium, hears voices from beyond---Jara da Cimrman is the great Satan....theres a freeze out on 10th Ave. and Clarence Clemmons is cryonically solidified....British teenage punks shall inherit the earth, Sun Yat-sen has risen from the dead, Lasorda will have over one million more heart attacks, etc, etc. etc.
- 5 Masturbating meatball gluesniffer Walleye calls a union meeting of
the Unionized Central Brothers of the American National Union Society
(ANUS). The agenda to be covered, in secret Flatulanconics, is as follows:
We dont believe in Yahweh, dodecahedrons, or Absurdistan. The boys go
hog-wild- tearing up the meeting hall. The ANUS fellows leave, after
wrecking everything they possibly can, and head straight for their local pubs
- 5 The Sojourner sends a message to Pathfinder---It is fucking cold
here....Im going back down into the bowels
- 5 Jiang reads the Shanghai cyber-newspaper---
http://china-window.com/shanghai/news/capit_e/ecapital.html--Jiang asks-
what is this thing-a tv or what?
- 5 Dr. Poindexter J. Skinflint, Dr. J.J. Undercyclothyme, and Dr. Schizobergerwicz concur- Lilliput has had a brain attack...she will be a human-vegetable for the rest of her life
- 6 The wednesday ABC PISS triple penetration special....the Milwaukee
Cheeseballs sink the Memphis Submarines, the San Francisco Golden Showers
hose down the LA Murderers and the first place Cleveland Bulldykes
horsewhip the Birmingham Stallions
- 6 Bush calls Clinton with some shocking news. Clinton says it cant be
true. Clinton summons Gore who rushes to his side. Gore calls Freeh and
asks if he knew about this. Freeh says of course I knew. Clinton calls
Bush back but hes out taking a swim in the Rio Grande. Clinton hot-lines
George senior and talks with him about what his son has reported. Senior
tells Clinton it would not be prudent to release this to the
public. Just then George Jr. comes in, soaked. Senior turns the phone over
to junior and the president talks for over 15 minutes with the gov. Bush
agrees with everything Clinton says. It will all be hush-hush. After this
call, Clinton calls Messiah Nanak Varhamana Abdul-Alibaba II, Rabbi Emanuel Berkovitz and Chretien
- 6 Spiritual Pollution is reported throughout the southern portion of
China. The Gang of 4 is on the loose and the Hong Kong teenage babes declare a Kuomintang Great Northern Expedition is in order
- 6 In hell Inez Serrano, Estelle, Joseph Garcin, and the Valet think
about the good old days. Inez tells Estelle that Garcin is a coward
- 6 After wearing out Nanook, and finding it getting too hot for
comfort, Ice Princess heads for Goteborg and Ostersund
- 6 A close aid to Jiang tells him that Deng has come up out of his
crypt. Jiang tells the aid couldnt that be a hologram?
- 6 .... the police have no clue
as to where he is at. Rodney King is arrested in east LA parading as
Yahweh
- 6 Stone Cold Steve Austin says hes going to kick your ass- and thats the bottom line
- 7 Franzen tells the media- give the people all the booze they want- moonshine, whiskey, rum- whatever it is they need. Financial minister
Rexed reports that no liquor will be sold in stores. Ice Princess swims
around in the Gulf of Bothnia but the water gets very cold
- 7 Kak Paskahousu Brownpants calls a meeting of the Federal Brotherhood of Stooge-Lumox Belugas. The Belugas get all excited- thinking they are
going to get big pay raises. Instead Kak tells the nitwits that they are
to start smashing pumpkins at all PISS, NFL and NL/AL inter-league games.
The goons unanimously agree with this mandate and rush out to get any and
all pumpkins they can get their grubby hands on
- 7 In Times Square Shinichiro Kaneko declares he must be publically horse whipped in a symbolic ritual because there is evil all over the internet
- 7 Billions of magpies are swarming all over the Czech Republic. PLG quits her FOOL time job and goes back to PT cookie sales
- 7 The Doughboy goes on another martyr trip at the Tower of
Babel.....there is no spiritual pollution, the dodecahedron is an
unsubstantiated myth and Teiresias is a known sharlitan...after his sermon on the soapbox the sheister slob smokes 2 packs of Kents to calm down
- 7 Tagliabue sends out an order through NBC and FOX....no fans will be
permitted in stadiums with pumpkins
- 8 A rocket blows up on the launch pad at Jacques Chirac Cosmic Launch
Grounds at Natashquan. Chretien says the entire nation will mourn this
tragedy and the northland is closed down for the week end- officially
- 8 Holyfield has 2 silicone ear implants. Tyson asks his trainer- is
silicone edible?
- 8 Termites victor over carpenter ants for the right to consume whats
left of fat Doughboy shamartists pig sty dump
- 8 The Tex-Mex Cosmic Agency (TMCA) launches their first
successful rocketship but the Wetback I crashes into Santa Fe, NM killing
everyone and completely wrecking the entire metro region
- 8 Zyuganov calls George Bush and tells him- we can help you. You can
buy our space shuttle for $70 billion US dollars
- 8 The hottest site on the WWW..........
http://www.mpae.gwdg.de/mpae_closure/wissenschaftler_eng.html
- 8 The Belugas, Modern-day Cavemen, ANUS boys and the UBPMW goons put in a hard week on the job....now comes Miller time.. the stooge-lumoxs
head for the local bars and drink like there is no tomorrow. Little
cavemen wonder where their Dads are at. Wives and girlfriends of these
beast call all over trying to find these drunkards, to no avail. The
macho-proletariat heros drink until their pockets are emptied and then
they are tossed out into the streets with the rest of the gutter dwellers
- 9 Greenspan announces that Wall Street will take a break.....the
market will drop significantly on monday.....billions of dollars will be
lost so dont do anything- keep all your money where it is.....no one moves a cent
- 9 Turkmenistan declares war on Uzbekistan. A knife is pulled
and both nations surrender unconditionally...the war lasted all of 13 seconds
- 9 Three PISS games are halted as pumpkins come smashing down on the
players in Indianapolis, Norfolk and Charlotte...all games are cancelled
- 9 Modell tells the Baltimore fans...if you throw any pumpkins I will
move the Ravens to Cleveland ...theyre building a new stadium for me up there anyway
- 9 Rubberneck SamboRambo Gunman has a terrible itch and goes to visit his doctor. The Doc tells him he has shingles of the (rubber)neck and prescribes plenty of fluids. Sambo Gunman makes a b-line for the liquor store
- 9 Alena Ivanovna resigns. Brad Smith resigns. Styvestant E.
Blosthiggins III resigns. Baluga H Cornhole resigns. Field-Marshal Kitchener resigns.
- 9 The FDA reports that saccharin is totally safe and people should
start consuming a cup a day- every day. The FDA further announces that
cyclamate is 100% safe and the public should consume it like pigs eating
out of slop-buckets. Koop disagrees with this- noting that you should have
no more that a bucket of cyclamate a day
- 10 Clinton calls Yeltsin but hes trashed on 4 bottles of Geritol-
Yeltsin orders the Kremlin to drop a neutron bomb on Helsingborg
- 10 Clinton calls Zyuganov and asks him what the hell is wrong with
that dude? Zyuganov tries to sell Clinton the russian space shuttle
- 10 The agua-lungs SamboRubberneck and Hakio (very)Hardturd head for church but wind up at the Cavemans Den instead
- 10 A massive earthquake destroys Edmonton. Measuring 9.9 on
the Richter- the entire city is now nothing more than a pile of rubble
- 10 The CIA orders all of these domains/servers banned for theft of
services....amex.proxy.lucent.com, piyopiyo.ic-net.or.jp,
funnel41.btx.dtag.de, usr04-12.provide.net, detasc20-239.flash.net,
proxy-111.iap.bryant.webtv.net, 1cust97.max20.los-angeles.ca.ms.uu.net,
195.53.98.22, nebula.stanford.edu, hd15-090.hil.compuserve.com,
pecksnif.cc.vt.edu, 192.111.227.156, t13o5p2.telia.com,
worf16.slip.yorku.ca, proxy-115.iap.bryant.webtv.net, and hp1-2.redrose.net
- 10 Ice Princess returns from a freeze out in the cold world. Pman says he wants a bone chill but IP tells doinkless Pman to hit the road- she has
it in for King Farouk
- 10 Sheister-slob Doughboy calls the cops on his big-vindictive-female-bull wife after she again pulvarizes his blubbery ass. The police take the bull to jail for her own ass beating
- 11 Hurricane Mathilda plows into Texas. Bush, swimming in the
Rio Grande, is washed down to Zapata. Bush tells the locals- that was fun!
- 11 The Wexford Hunky Club holds its annual summer monday night costume festival. Thousands of big beer-bellied liquor machines show up in drag- Doughboy is dressed as a human-dump, Buckminster Gastrointestinal-nightmare Shitpants is costumed as an outhouse,
SamboRamboMoneybags comes in as a gallon of Cribari, Pman is dressed as a
phallic symbol, Hakio Hardturd is dressed as Wimpy, Farouk parades as the messiah, PLG is an internet cookie monster, Lilliput shows up as a
human-vegetable and the award winner is Heroinballs who came in as a
- 11 The New Mexico Highway Patrol reports that Moms Mabley was found in a car outside of Los Alamos. She was murdered and raped. There are no witnesses and no clues whatsoever.
- 11 A hard-headed yellow billed woodpecker chops down
SamboRamboStiffnecks bird feeder.....Sambo quickly gets out his 30.06
- 11 A hard-headed green billed woodpecker chops down PLGs bird
feeder....she quickly gets out her sling-shot
- 11 The Jet Propulsion Laboratory reports that Sojourner has attacked
and decommissioned the Pathfinder, and again gone deep down into the
center of the planet. The JPL will turn off the rovers silicone retina,
effectively BLINDING the little rebel
- 11 The Highway Patrol reports that Jon Benets corpse was found in a
car outside of Los Alamos....her badly decomposed body will be shipped
back to Boulder. Additionally, the cops said they are getting all kinds of
reports from the local-yocals that strange 12 sided objects have been
spotted in the skys....the cops cant confirm any of this, however
- 12 Mahathir Bin Mohamad tells his followers that the internet is full
of evil. These EVIL links are corrupting our youth...evil is bad for you, etc. etc. MBM sends out carcinogenic electronic pulse microwave
cookies to destroy-http://www.geocities.com/SunsetStrip/Alley/8069/evillink.html
- 12 Cambio 16 prints a story: Franco has come up out of his
grave.....Tiempo denies this- it is an absolute fabrication!
- 12 L Expansion reports that de Gaulle was seen leaving his
grave....He supposidly had a 12 sided object in each hand
- 12 The world is flabergasted! Suddenly, every olive falls off of every
tree in the entire nation of Spain... The Beijing Daily announces that the
Chinese 19th Route Army is being mobilized.... An Air-Antartica 747 blows
up over Mantova killing all 235 on board..the Big Beerbelly Convention in Brandon, Manitoba is cancelled.....The United Nations calls Lt. Tragg in to find out what the hell all this weirdness is about
- 12 George Bush assures all the debutants in Houston that everything is ok....Bum Phillips tells the Houston city council--The road to
theSuperbowl goes through Memphis...or, is it Nashville??
- 12 PISS regular season ends as the Bulldykes zonk the Washington
Platapus (to again win the eastern title) but the Lubbock Footlongs plug
the Goldenshowers and win their first western title. So, the playoffs are
scheduled- Yellowbuckets vs Bulldykes in the east and the Goldenshowers vs the Footlongs for the western playoffs. Interim PISS commissioner
Vladiverstok announces NO PUMPKINS at any PISS playoff or championship games!
- 12 Assad, Mubarak and Hessein hold a secret meeting at Al Kuntillah.
Dungy tells the Tampa Bay fans...where going all the way this year
- 13 RamboSamboRubberneck relaxes in his recliner with a big jug of
vodka and . Mr. Machoman starts chanting and falls into a drunken stupor...In a convoluted
alcoholic/psychotic quagmire, Sambo hears voices...its Yahweh... Sambo is
told to get ready for the promised land ....you must leave this existence
and all its material aspects, and travel to paradise....In this land, in a
dimension that you do not understand, you will be free to have all the
booze you can drink.....you will be eternally happy.....RubberneckBigBucks
wakes- his head pounding but at peace.....Sambo runs out to get his transcendental vessel. Sambo prepares for the ultimate trip
- 13 The FBI reports that Chopra has been found in Yakima, Wash. When
quizzed by the agents where he has been for the last 7 days Chopra tells
the boys he was in a place called Flatland along with Campbell,
Sagan, Jung and a huge red apple. The agents dont buy this business and
Chopra proves it by pulling out a dodecahedron. The agents are
catatonically mistified and brain-numb. Chopra tells these goons- this
aint no hologram...its the real thing....the boys start seeing all kinds
of brilliant lights and they sence that their brains are turning around
inside of their skulls...The agents leave in silence, and are never heard from again
- 13 The East LA Metro Hospital publishes a release that Lasorda has had
. Dr. Hector Kiljoy
states that he is doing well and will be able to take in a Dodgers game
tonight. Dr. Kiljoy further stated that the big boy was sitting up in his
bed, smoking a two foot long wet dank cigar and remembering the good old days with visitor Rodney King
- 13 Bush tells Dan Rather that the Tex-Mex Cosmic Agency will soon
launch a space ship/cargo vehicle....destination Lalande 21185 . The
ship, which will in-effect be a portable city, will house a crew of
300,000 Texans and Mexicans, and the flight will take 39.2 million years before it reaches the stars proximity. Rather asks Bush why are you doing
this and George seems stumped at the question. After thinking it over he
informs Rather that there are too many people in the Republic of Texas
- 13 Poison-pill electronic mad-cow disease cookies are spotted at these IPs: eburguser110.televar.com, wilkes-pm1-11.g-net.net, kcpxy2.att.com, 184.chicago-001.il.dial-access.att.net, dyn208-6-73-36.win.mnsi.net, usr04-12.provide.net, separation.ecn.purdue.edu, eu.ansp.br,
192.165.253.101, 206.213.100.2, j35.ptl41.jaring.my,
usr5-dialup37.mix1.sacramento.mci.net, cabler44.cableregina.com,
ppp253169.hkabc.net, crack.cse.ucsc.edu,
156.seattle-002.wa.dial-access.att.net,
1cust121.max7.seattle.wa.ms.uu.net,
ip240.m4.nwlink.com, 204.33.141.56, paid.library.pitt.edu, 205.247.20.116,
194.250.50.88, ttyb11.ott.igs.net, annex1_port23.riv.csu.edu.au, + funnel38.btx.dtag.de, max02-lr-25.lr.anc.net, 207.115.230.103, rombon-max-1-l38.comm2000.it, host5-99-57-87.btinternet.com, rictus.vip.best.com and
ygramul12.hagener-tgz.de....All of these units will self-destruct
- 13 SamboGunmanRambo and his booze buddy Hakio Hardturd hit the bottles at the Chinamans Workhouse in Blawnox. Sambo tells Hardturd about his experience with the Tibetan Book of the Dead, Yahweh and the promised land. Sambo tells Hakio he should buy a casket, too and the two get into a big fiasco and pulvarize each other
- 13 PLG relaxes with a box of chocolate cookies, some buttermilk and
The Collapse of The Third Republic. She falls into a deep sleep and
between buttermilk burps, dreams that a big vulture is hovering over. The
vulture grabs her and takes her away to a far-away land...some absurd
place where its always raining and a lot of happy cows exist .....PLG
wakes, startled and sweating, with cookie crumbs throughout the bed
- 14 32,517 watch the Yellowbuckets dump a load on the Bulldykes in Indianapolis. In Lubbock, the Footlongs forfeit to the Goldenshowers as
the fans throw hundreds of pumpkins on to the field. Two Goldenshowers
were hurt and a Footlonger was bent in this craziness
- 14 Loyola Palacio tells the Madrid officials to send those dam olives
to China. Olive Oil prices hit an all-time record high- $33 a pint
- 14 Slob Doughboy preaches: Its not natural to go to Lalande 21185 and all these stories of a so-called promised land are a bunch of bullshit!
- 14 Blair tells the farmers to send that beef over to China.....the
farmers start mooooiiinnnggg in approval
- 14 Mr. Yesman keeps telling himself....I AM NOT a human waste!....I AM NOT a human waste!....I AM NOT a human waste!
- 14 Purdue administrators ban internet access to certain www calendar
pages...Students, faculty and staff protest
- 14 Calgary and Winnipeg are cancelled as fans throw hundreds of large
pumpkins on the field and fans riot and demolish the Hiroshima Big Arch
after the Sanfrecce gang gets ripped by Jubilo Iwata....after the
destruction, many fans swear they saw Cunanan- the media reports he has
come back to life!
- 15 Mordecai tells the worlds #1 Sheister--Doughboy-- he must be more
reactive and less proactive. Doughboy, eating breakfast by the
platter-full, hears not a single word of this
- 15 Billions of gallons of olive oil arrive at Shenyang, Shantou,
Weifang and Ankang for distribution....The cyber-chineses read about this
at http://www.singtao.com/index2.html
- 15 A fire destroys the Baltimore hotel-Amsterdam - everyone was burned alive....police suspect arson as gallon cans of olive oil were found near the crime scene
- 15 Unseasonably warm temperatures reported throughout europe....a
major drought hits- 120 in Wurzburg, 120 in Sankt, 119 at Presov and 115 at San Severo
- 15 Dr. Koop reports that its ok to eat uncooked human ears (in
moderation), Two a day, preferably marinated overnight in cyclamate or
heavy amounts of saccharin.
- 15 Contemporary Murderer Monthly stories: I killed Cunanan (OJ)...I
killed Jon Benet (OJ)...Ive killed EVERYONE! (OJ)
- 16 Johnson promises Chiles- the Dolphins will go undefeated this
season and we WILL win the superbowl. Chiles receives email from Dungy-
its in the bag (the superbowl)...the new look Bucs will win it
all....Coglin calls Chiles- I guarantee a Jaguar victory in the coming superbowl
- 16 The Tex-Mex Cosmic Agency has a press conference to announce its
new director: Louis Friedman. Friedman, with Bush at his side tells the
Tex-Mex dudes- its Lalande 21185 or bust
- 16 Batesville reports that casket sales have skyrocketed....The DOW
has regained all that it lost and then some. Batesville will open new
plants in Bhamo, Dhule, Otaru, Yeniseysk, Umea, Berens River, Natagaima
and Itaipu to keep up with the demands of the dead
- 16 The Peoples Daily states that the Send-down Youth are suffering
from a mass-epidemic....olive oil addiction. Jiang orders all olive
oil in China shipped back to Spain--immediately....Chinese oil addicts are
sent to the 4th Liberation Army concentration camp for rehab under the
guidance of reincarnated hero Sun Yat-sen
- 16 In saturday PISS playoff action- the Goldenshowers eliminate the
Footlongs 1-0, before 32,000 yellow-underwear waving fanatics in San
Francisco and the 1996 PISS Champion Bulldykes are humiliated before a
sell out crowd in Cleveland...The Indy Yellowbuckets shut out the Dykes
7-0 and sweep the eastern championship 2 games to 0
- 16 The Cave-beings, Human-Gorillas, Belugas and the ANUS gang meet at
Pedros....the monsters
spread all kind of lies and rumors around.....
How about those Yellowbuckets?, Cunanan is not dead, Heroinballs has some
olive oil, the Sojourner has been renamed Oedipus II, Jara da Cimrman was
an imbecile, Ice Princess go to the northland, Pman
has found his missing doink, etc. etc. The lunatics get into a big fiasco/brawl over who was better looking- Jessica Lange, Jamie Lee Curtis or Mae West
- 17 The Cave-beings, Human-Gorillas, Belugas and the ANUS gang
repent...we are sorry for our sins and our wrong-doings...suddenly,
everything is back to normal and the animals are hungry again
- 17 A strange phenomenon occurs up north.....from the Yukon to New
Foundland- an all points in-between- people look to the heavens and
witness unexplained 12 sided objects floating around---some swear its a sign of the return of Yahweh....finally, the Quasi-French Northern North
American Space Agency reveals that the Chinese cargo planes headed for
Spain accidentally dropped millions of bottles of olive oil over the northland
- 17 Greenspan informs CNN that there is a major shortage of olive
oil.....can this stuff be grown in Mexico?! Greenspan calls George Bush to
set up a special Mex-Tex connection
- 17 In Aldanskaya, the man who claims he is 171 years old and his name
is Andrew Johnson tells Russian scientist that his brother was Yahweh and
that it only rains yellow drops in Indianapolis in the summer time.
Russian scientist put their subject in the mental-ward lockup
- 17 Hearing a rumor that Smokin Joe Pman has his doink back, Ice Princess summons him over for some action
- 17 BigPictureRubberneck/Stiffneck goes berzerk....pulls out his
pistols and starts shooting it up like the old west and rambling about
Waldholtz, ISDN cables and an Edsel he owned back when he was a young macho-man
- 18 In Indianapolis, under a heavy (yellow) thunderstorm, the SF
Goldenshowers irrigate the Yellowbuckets 11-0 before a championship record
PISS crowd of 67,177. Yellowbucket coach Leptospira Icterohemorrhagica
tells his soaked down players- its not over until the bucket is full!
- 18 China Radio/Anshun sends Clinton email--over 37 million chinese
listened to the first PISS championship game on the china radio and over 100 million more listened for the results on the international china telegraph line news service. Even the Send-down Youth listened!
- 18 Thousands of magpies eat everything in site in Newberry, Mich After the magpies consume it all there- they head to Gwinn for more
- 18 The Chicago Tribune prints a story that Yahweh has been reported in
the Holy Land. Netanyahu immediately calls the newspaper telling them that was NOT Yahweh but some berzerko from the Czech Republic. The imposter has been jailed and will be shot at sun rise
- 18 Zemin sends Clinton email---ship us anything thats...our people are delirious for anything
and everything yellow! Jiang sends Loyola Palacio email- send all of that
olive oil back over here!
- 18 Another rocket blows up at the Jacques Chirac Cosmic Launch Grounds
at Natashquan....the nation mourns
- 19 Gastrointestinal Nightmare Stooge-Lumox Beluga Caveman, at a
meeting with his peers, takes a big shit right in his pants- his associates ask Mr. Skunk- what else is new?
- 19 Slob Doughboy gets back up on his soapbox: Thou shalt not put any false Gods before me!
- 19 Scientist cant explain why scores of major earthquakes destroyed
millions simultaneously at: Greensboro, NC, Manilla, Hobart Tasmania,
Dongo Angola, Haryana India, etc. etc. Doughboy announces--- this is your
collective punishment for not honoring me!
- 19 King Farouk tells his friends (what few he has) that his new name
will be Chappelet. Farouk also tells Hakio Hardturd that he wants 2 weeks off with double pay so he can attend to personal affairs at home and
Hardturd unconditionally surrenders to the demands
- 19 The JPL announces it has effectively blinded the Mars rover. Bush
and the Tex-Mex Cosmic gang report that they have activated the silicone
retina on the rover and the QNNASA states that it has forced the rover to
poke its silicone retina out
- 19 RamboSambo has a mental collapse and his dominant Korsakoffs
psychosis kicks in....his mission- to kill, in no particular order- Slob
Doughboy, Moms Mabley, Dr. Schizobergerwicz, Jara da Cimrman, Garcin, Ciapperello da Prato and Leptospira Icterohemorrhagica
- 19 The worlds hottest site:
http://www-mips.unice.fr/~jorsini/zyllius/zyllius.html
- 20 : zuul.tfn.com, cocacola.xionics.com,
kindred.whoi.edu, shiraz.controls.eurotherm.co.uk, proxy3.emirates.net.ae,
lithium.kpmg.ca, lorien.cs.purdue.edu, jumanji.parc.xerox.com,
nmexico.cfcsc.dnd.ca, 198.93.30.243, gateway.fedex.com, ewok.sci.fi,
a17-128-201-105.apple.com, amex.proxy.lucent.com, www.hpj.com,
klj-18-99.tm.net.my, sundial.cs.concordia.ca, 152.71.22.40, ip82.tulsa.ok.pub-ip.psi.net, tfegate.citicorp.com, nesirs05.iaea.or.at, p400c99.f.dip.t-online.de, and
blackfoot19.n-link.com
- 20 The Goldenshowers hose off the Yellowbuckets 12-0, taking a two to
nothing series lead...one more and the bucket is full!
- 20 Strom and Jessee work out a deal shipping 800 million tons of
tobacco to Canada. In exchange- the Canadian government will channel all
of its cool summer breezes down to the Carolinas
- 20 Astronomers at Keck II discover a black hole 399 trillion octillion
billion quadrillion light years from earth....they report a bright yellow
stream is coming right from the center of this, the most distant black
hole ever found
- 20 At the Kruezberg monistary beer-belly Augustfest- Wathen hits the
Heineken and tears off Betty Boops bra
- 21 Tiananmen Square becomes a sea-of-yellow.....Bulldyke trinkets, empty yellowbuckets and portable urinals cant be produced fast enough
- 21 The trinity of Ezzard Charles, Gus Lesnevich and Lee Oma emerge
from their graves and pay a visit to Tysons parole officer
- 21 Helms, Capers, Chiles and Hornsby head down the Valley Road to
Tobacco Road ..Capers tells the gang that the TSCFs will win the superbowl this year....Chiles says my boys will win it all....Hornsby tells the crew theres the road not taken and Helms says hes the Marlboro man!
- 21 Two CFL games Toronto/Saskatchewan and Hamilton/Edmonton are
cancelled when thousands of large pumpkins are thrown on the playing
fields by rowdy fans. In Toronto, a rabid fan tells TSN- we are tired of this shit!
- 21 SJMFs cry when there is not a crumb left in the bread box...but they
find a misguided carpenter ant
- 21 A mad cow goes bonkers in Nottingham and starts a stampeed of wild-psychotic cows running through the countryside that incites over a
million looney bulls to go on a rampage, killing thousands in their path
down through Leicester, Cambridge and Bedford. Blair says- ship all that meat over to China
- 22 Human vegetable Lilliput reads about her affliction at--
http://www.amhrt.org/hs96/battack.html
- 22 Idi Amin eats 2 human thighs for breakfast. Barry has a crack-out
party in DC. Buckminster hemorrhoid gets the pliers out
- 22 The SF Goldenshowers win the PISS Championship by sinking
the Yellowbuckets in the bay, 1-0 after 21 over-time periods. The 26 hour
game, the longest in professional sports history, was attended by 30,000
Goldenshower fans who did not throw any pumpkins on to the field but did
toss buckets of urine on the visiting team after the game
- 22 Disgruntled Indy Yellowbucket fans start pouring buckets of urine
out of windows at Indiana Bell, the Riley Towers, Bank One Tower and the
First Indiana Plaza. The cops arrest 35. Downtown streets smell like
Doughboy (on a good day). Coach Leptospira Icterohemorrhagica tells the fans- next year we will win it all. Leptospira whispers to a
reporter...next year we will be the PISSBUCKETS!
- 22 Bush calls Clinton.... top secret...the launch is tomorrow..
Clinton tells Bush- I wont tell a sole!
- 22 The Unionized Central Brothers of the American National Union
Society (ANUS) votes (in a special friday bar room ballot) to switch their
union mascot colors from shit brown to urine yellow. Additionally, the
boys approve a measure that 10% of their union dues would be utilized to
supply healthy teenagers and pre-teens with cartons of free cigarettes
- 23 Hertha BSC 1- VfL Wolfsburg 0, Kyoto Purple Sanga 7- Kashima
Antlers 6, AS Cannes 0- RC Lens 0, Hansa Rostock 2- 1860 Munchen 0
- 23 Bush holds a press conference informing the media that the Tex-Mex
Express was lauched at midnight and all 300,000 on board are well
- 23 Czar Yeltsin orders the Kremlin to drop neutron bombs on Kiruna,
Falun, Skovde, Uddevallo and Nykoping
- 23 Shaman Mahavira-juni Lao-Tze Garu-Guru announces that he knows who killed Moms Mabley in New Mexico- it was Lardbucket Doughboy
- 23 At the Homestead Elks- tanked up SamboRubberneckRambo tells his
bar-fly friends I killed Moms. OJ tells Furhman he killed Moms.
Yahweh informs the NY Times... I killed her! and Queen Vo says she not only killed Moms but burned down the Baltimore Hotel with olive oil
- 23 Hardturd calls 800-807-0056, 800-532-4357, 800-832-4676,
800-842-4487 and 800-547-7433
- 24 Internet secret agents spy on these
connections........
- 24 Mastodon Behemoth Walleye blows a super 3000 ton sulfur/methane
bomb that blows the steeple off of the church and kills all present with
the exception of the big beast himself
- 24 The Los Alamos cops arrest in
the Moms Mabley murder case
- 24 Drugking Heroinballs hits 40 joints for breakfast...Doughboy slops down 200 pancakes at Dennys and the human-gorilla raids McDonalds after
destroying the church
- 24 Rocky Mt. News reports that Jon Benets murderer is Jara
da Cimrman. Hearing of this- OJ says--no, I killed her,
RubberneckgunmanMachoCamachoSambo calls CBS and states --I am her murderer, etc.
- 25 China Radio/Telegraph announces that Jiang is addicted to olive oil and will go into 6 months of rehab
- 25 Kak Paskahousu Brownpants calls a meeting of the United Brotherhood of Proletariat Manual Workmen....the boys get all worked up thinking a big pay raise is coming. Instead, the modern-day caveman tells the animals that they now must WORK for a living! The boys go on strike immediately!
- 25 Researchers at Purdue publish a report that there is solid evidence
that Flatland does exist. They eliducate, in the same report that
Absurdistan is not real
- 25 A rocket is launched from Natashquan but does not quite achieve
orbit and crashes into Halifax- demolishing everything
- 25 Kyoto J. League fans snap after their team takes an ass beating and
burn the Nishikyogoku stadium down
- 26 Picking up on this trend, Hamilton fans gather at the Ivor Wynne
facility- completely trashing the dump
- 26 CBS, NBC and ABC news announce they will merge and become
CANBCS...the anchor will be John McLauchlin
- 26 Hundreds of thousands of Dodecahedrons are found all over the
Swedish countryside- Harry Franzen says this is a sign
- 26 Jiang tells the populace the national flag will be changed--it will
now be completely yellow...except in Hong Kong
- 26 Lottery sure winners: New Mexico 099, Texas 721, Florida 000,
Washington state 010, Calif. 817, Oregon 777
- 27 The German Bundesbond Internet Weinersnitzel Foundation bans the
following from viewing any sites in Deutschland:
207.139.239.56, dfw-pm2-222.mpsi.net, ktg-42-15.tm.net.my,
proxy1.arh.tele.dk, accend.actcom.co.il, pm5-19.wcoil.com,
dial142.nconnect.net, d032m13.hsonline.net,
1cust111.max73.los-angeles.ca.ms.uu.net, ppp47.ecentral.com,
205.218.156.43, ww-tj21.proxy.aol.com, funnel32.btx.dtag.de,
proxy4.ykt.prodigy.net, stjhts03c29.nbnet.nb.ca, ppp8077.on.sympatico.ca,
beaufort.tamu.edu, ehdup-c2-7.rmt.net.pitt.edu, 99.212.175.32,
lumc.bayarea.net, mason.ge.com, ppp41.netfront.net,
port-35-25.access.one.net, trn-as1s03.erols.com, pc-200-68.pc.cnu.edu, and
mayaguez-ppp113.coqui.net
- 27 American teenage punks say goodbye to mommy and daddy and head off
into the great unknown
- 27 Dead-Deng reads...........http://www.scmp.com/news/index.idc?
- 27 Machoman Sambo Stiffneck, sitting at the bar with his good buddy and fellow alky Chief Hakio Hardturd, starts rambeling off a bunch of convoluted-psychotic rhetoric about when he was a young man.. men were men and women were women and these damn teenage punks today aint worth shit
and Ill beat the shit out of any punk that messes with me and these young
punk-nerds dont know anything other than computers and drugs and they
arent real people anyway cause they cant have real sex, on and on. Hardturd passes out and Rubberneck just keeps jabbering away- talking to himself
- 27 Chretien orders the Jacques Chirac Cosmic Launch Grounds at
Natashquan closed down permanently stating- we cant get anything right!
- 28 CES informs Cancer-filled Drake, Hamilton Burger, Inspector
Henderson and Eliot Ness that DS is a cimrmanologist
- 28 Hung-over roughneck/rubberneck/stiffneck Sambo calls his broker-
get me stock in those Goldenshowers now!
- 28 The Federal Brotherhood of Stooge-Lumox Belugas hold a
convention in Salt Lake City, in part to celebrate the citys 150 years.
These animals proceed to demolish everything in site and do over 30
million dollars damage before they are collectively banned from the area forever
- 28 A mad cow goes bonkers in South Shields and starts a stampeed of
rabid-psychotic cows running through the countryside that incites over a
million aggressive bulls to go on a rampage, killing thousands in their
path down through Sunderland, Hartlepool and Middlesbrough. Blair says-
ship all that meat over to China
- 28 Human-meatball Doughboy takes a real ass-beating from his
mean-spirited bitch wife
- 29 Thousands of american teenage punks drop-out after one day of
classes....a good job at McDonalds awaits
- 29 Zyuganov sends Boris email...we need to get in on that PISS action that is such a hit over in America. Boris asks his aid- what is email?
- 29 Batesville reports that casket sales have skyrocketed- new plants
will be opened soon in Kigali, Belgrade, Concord, Muscat and Lhasa
- 29 Hung-over roughneck/machoman/stiffneck SamboRambo calls his broker-
get me stock in those caskets NOW!
- 29 The Send-down Youth are ordered to the Yangtze valley to grow chinese olives
- 30 Cervantes de Gortari, Chiles and Bush swim up and down the
Rio....the boys get a lot of exercise and enjoy a broccoli salad post swim
- 30 In a Miami press conference- Dan Marino says the Dolphins are
headed for the superbowl. In Baltimore- Modell says the Ravens are #1
- 30 Bigboy Lasorda has 50 straight heart attacks in a span of 20
seconds- Dr. Poindexter J. Skinflint, who was at his side, says the behemoth is doing very well and will probably be out playing tennis tonight
- 30 The NFL announces that a deal has been reached where only Carolina Express Tobacco flavored Hot Dogs will be sold in all NFL stadiums
- 30 Clinton calls Bush but hes out taking a swim in the Rio Grande so
he speaks with Bum Phillips who was present. Bum tells the prez that the
road to the superbowl goes through Washington DC. Gore, who was listening
in on a wire tap, bets Bum $50 hes wrong
- 31 Oedipus Sojourner stumbles around- bumping into rocks- boulders
etc. The blind/crippled rover dies a lonely life- accomplishing nothing
- 31 Ice Princess ties up Pman and gives him a workout he will never forget...after the ordeal- Pman heads for the southland pronto
- 31 Texas boozeboys party as the Republic bans dry counties...the Saloons are full....Sambo tells Hardturd Im going where the machomen are!!
- 31 PLG has a vivid nightmare.....did I really experience this? I must
have eaten too many cookies
- 31 obstinate frugal Pman, trapped in the anal-stage, drives his jalopy
straight into Lake Texarkana....he vows he will never return to the
north.......
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3/08