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Dan Sroka June 1996 Calendar

6/1 Heroinballsgets a discount on illegal drugs at 800-452-9425
6/1 Pillsbury Doughboy is snooping in on email. PA courts approve.
6/1 BFS Hbomb Nightmare Walleye enrolls in Buckminster Fuller Proctology School
6/1 Record heatwave sweeps midwest- 113 degrees in Milwaukee- 110 in Green Bay
6/1 Columbus Meltdowns wreck the SF Goldenshowers 3-0 on NBC PISS action
6/1 Salvation Army accepts donations today at 800-559-2769. BFS gives himself!
6/1 Hideo Nomo pitches 18 shutout innings...loses game 1-0 to Marge in Cin.
6/1 618 found frozen to death in Moscow bowery--stoned on Sterno!
6/1 Idi Amin opens cannibalism institute in Sri Lanka
6/1 call toll free 800-277-7787 to find out what lurks in your airducts
6/2 Mr. Hbomb Walleye opens his own www site--see..http://www.walleye.com
6/2 DS declares- The winds of change are coming down your way-youll make it back somehow!
6/2 SafeSurf stock drops to the bottom of the boat...sharks are nearby--waiting
6/2 Marion Barry and Heroinballs party on homicide, wet dank and foot long blunts
6/2 Cryonics rejects Timothy Leary- has his body mummified in Lenin type tank
6/2 Astronomer BFS Walleye Brownbag steers Keck II towards Uranus. Finds 2 headed deer!
6/2 malfunctioning Penile implant??? call 800-451-5074
6/2 Undertaker wins Intercontinental title over GoldDust. Mankind fingers the Hit Man.
6/2 Art sells Ravens for Falcons then trades for Cardinals and moves Seahawks to LA
6/2 Go to church today at--http://www.marinerschurch.com
6/3 RamboSambo invests in Mildew Spores, Inc. Penny stock value at .02 per share
6/3 University of Wisc. gets a $20 million research grant to study Mad Cows
6/3 call 800-225-6669 for lottery results or 800-626-2800 to spend some money
6/3 Pete Schourek throws a bean-ball-hits Marge right between the eyes-29 stitches!
6/3 PLG- searching for a thrill- flies JetTrain to Memphis for $79 (800-359-4968)
6/3 PLG visits Booker T. + MGS, Wilson Pickett, Carla Thomas and Rufus in Memphis
6/3 Sera Tech bars Nightmare Hbomb Walleye from facility due to odoriferous emissions
6/3 At the capital Ridge orders SAA to incorporate wet dank into state curriculum
6/3 Bulldykes manhandle Yellowbuckets 2-0, Pissants crush the Murderers 1-0
6/4 Diet crazed nerd DS drops down to 175 lbs-put in ICU at PUH (mental ward)
6/4 want a utility rip-off? go to http://www.dqe.com or call 800-522-4020 to pay Big $!
6/4 SAA sells BigPicture SamboRambo 200,000 shares at http://www.invest-soft.com
6/4 Stargazer Lowell Brownbag peers thru Keck II, discovers 5 new planets SB1 through 5
6/4 Mobile suffers through 10th day of drought. Gov. declares emergency.
6/4 Rufus, Carla, PLG and Booker JetTrain to Mobile for $79 seeking bliss
6/4 Hootie announces new CD release in Mobile....named Bad Weather Herodotus
6/4 Dr. Joseph A. Burns of Cornell announces Keck II Brownbag observations are poppycock
6/4 PUH mental ward interns report DS blood sugar at 22. Head cut off-put in cryonics
6/5 Eric Gregg tells Marge he slimmed down to 324 lbs. Marge shows him her scar.
6/5 Baltimore Police arrest teenage molester Daniel Gajousek. He declares he is clean
6/5 Devils Breath Santa Ana winds blow all the way from Calif to Mobile, Alabama
6/5 get your high heels at http://www.pitt.edu/~hasst20/resume
6/5 Modell buys Urawa Reds...http://www.st.rim.or.jp/~diamonds---will rename Browns
6/5 Tagliabue states that Pittsburgh and Phila. will set and example for the country
6/5 Carla, Booker, Hootie, PLG and Rufus JetTrain to Atlanta for $79..on a joy ride
6/5 Jung, Campbell, Sagan and Keen stalk PUH interns-confiscate DS cryonic head
6/6 University of Aukland given $20 million grant to study Mad Cow disease in sheep
6/6 At Keck II Hbomb Walleye drops a neutron that ignites Mauna Kea..lava everywhere!
6/6 In Atlanta, enjoying the nightlife, PLG orders high heels at 800-403-2668
6/6 OJ takes Bronco to Atlanta..to rendezvous in secret with PLG for disco dancing
6/6 Machoman Bigbucks SamboHambone gets 179,050 Pesetas and 250,600 Guilders at PNC
6/6 Marla Maples Trump flies USAir to Atlanta to party with disco gang
6/6 Campbell tells LAPD a crazed woman kidnapped cryonic head of DS. Jane C suspect.
6/6 Mauna Kea earthquake/volcano eruption causes massive tidal wave-west coast lookout
6/6 Relocate to LA- call (213)236-4824 for riots/murders/injustice-all the best
6/7 250,000 killed from British Columbia to Baja Calif as tidal wave crushes Pacific
6/7 Property damage from tidal wave hit assessed at 800 octillion dollars
6/7 Nightmare Hbomb Walleye jailed in Hawaii-locked up in odor proof salt dome
6/7 Clinton sends Marion Barry to investigate west coast damage
6/7 OJ, PLG, Rufus, Carla and Booker head back to Mobile for more thrills
6/7 Hank Baughman reports someone left a frozen head on his car-head given to Wecht
6/7 NY Dolls whip the Rodents 7-3...hot on the trail of the first place Bulldykes
6/7 Barry, dazed and stuppored, arrives in Portland Maine instead of Oregon
6/8 Wecht summons PLG from southern escapade to help identify frozen cryonic head
6/8 Gastrointestinal Nightmare Buckminster pulverizes salt dome with one lone emission
6/8 CBS reports explosion in Hawaii has generated another-bigger tidal wave!!
6/8 Clinton orders entire west coast evacuated due to impending catastrophe
6/8 A 75 foot tidal wave crushes everything from Alaska to Baja. Earth ruined!
6/8 Entire western landscape wrecked...world utterly devastated by Nightmare
6/8 Frozen head identified by PLG and a call to New Image Hair at 800-514-4247
6/9 United Nations emergency meeting on what to do about this Hawaiian nightmare
6/9 Cardinals beat Giants 4-0 in Mobile. Rufus, Marla, Carla and gang attend game
6/9 Barry JetTrains to Sacramento for $79. Stops in Pittsburgh to meet Heroinballs
6/9 Western US ravaged by heavy rains, tornadoes and floods
6/9 Dole announces taxes will be increased 300% as a result of this on-going turmoil
6/9 UN decrees that liability for this catastrophe rests solely with BFS Brownbagger
6/9 Barry, finally in Calif. calls property damage appraisers at 800-506-8877
6/9 Barry and Heroinballs call 800-698-7202,800-748-8377,800-339-1899 + 800-777-9155
6/10 Barry, Heroinballs and OJ party out on homicide, blunts, crack and wet dank
6/10 Clinton orders CIA to get HBomb Walleye "before he destroys the rest of the earth"
6/10 Doped up west coasters call 800-831-2001,800-266-6767,800-640-9789 + 800-291-9136
6/10 CIA arranges for a secret flight from Hawaii to Chernobyl
6/10 Powder boys continue shenanigans at 800-649-6166,800-570-BUGS + 800-684-4100
6/10 Autry announces she is moving Angels to Mobile. Modell calls Mobile city council
6/10 Liggett tobacco to donate 2 million dollars annually toward west coast rebuilding
6/10 Campbell obtains frozen head from Wecht and charters JetTrain to Chernobyl for $79
6/11 Get some ABUSE at http://www.xe.com/htbin/nph-abuse-2
6/11 The Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis society donates $10 million to rebuild Calif.
6/11 Toxic Avenger meets Gluesniffer Hbomb and CIA at Chernobyl dump
6/11 JetTrain, running on empty, lands on frozen tundra outside of Chernobyl dump
6/11 Campbell, CIA, Avenger and Gastrointestinal Nightmare discuss frozen head
6/11 Jane C. hijacks ValuJet flight 901 from Atlanta-101 hostages head for Chernobyl
6/11 Clinton visits west coast....damage said to be $793,532,903,562,089,200,000,000.00!
6/11 Campbell uses rare inert gasious radioactive stench to reconstitute cryonic head
6/12 Radioactive/stinking/reconstituted DS put on JetTrain ($79) non-stop to Pittsburgh
6/12 West bound JetTrain and hijacked east bound ValuJet miss head-on collision by 5 ft.
6/12 ValuJet 901, running on empty, lands on frozen tundra outside of Chernobyl dump
6/12 Waiting CIA agents arrest Jane C. and Hbomb Walleye knocks her unconscious with gas
6/12 101 freed hostages pay homage to their hero- Mr. Gastrointestinal Nightmare himself!
6/12 Art says he is donating $5 million to help rebuild the Oregon coast
6/12 SamboRamboBigBucks cashes in his Motorola 401K-gives $201.13 to west coast fund
6/12 Yeltsin declares Chernobyl now completely safe! Fumes have stopped radioactivity!
6/13 Chernobyl shrine dedicated--HolyOrderofthePutridSalvationProviderHBBFS--
6/13 JetTrain, running on empty, lands at PIA with radioactive/stinking/reconstituted DS
6/13 Barry, nearly comatose- put on AirWest non-stop flight to DC- plane on auto-pilot
6/13 Sagan tells the world that Bombadeer Walleye is a national hero
6/13 Bad Weather Herodotus hits the top of the charts- 61 million CDs sold
6/13 Flight crazed PLG calls 800-PIA-5040 enrolls to become an airline pilot
6/13 Buenos Aires Siera Chica prison serves up 7 loaves of cremated inmate bread
6/13 Malcom Forbes donates $132.17 million to help rebuild southern Calif.
6/13 In a tribute to his idol (Brownbag Hbomb) Shinichiro Kaneko is nailed to a cross
6/13 Chernobyl Nightmare Walleye discovers the speed of light is 5.9 trillion miles/year
6/14 MachoBigPictureRamboSambo applies for senior clerk job at http://www.bell-atl.com
6/14 PUH interns attempt to reverse radioactivity and stink from DS--quarantined
6/14 Cheeseballs drub the Pink Cadillacs 1-0 and Slaves manhandle Bulldykes 5-1
6/14 Munder Funds contributes $1,000 daily for the next 50 years to rebuild west coast
6/14 AirWest auto-pilot flight to DC, running on empty, lands on I-80 in an emergency
6/14 Heroinballs wakes up in ravaged Calif. Raises the flag and smokes a blunt
6/14 CIA flies Gastrointestinal Nightmare to Johns Hopkins...call 800-638-7214
6/14 Hakio Hardturd, recently promoted, moves executive quarters to Petronas Tower
6/14 Art opens www site at-- http://www.opec.jp/football/munchen/bayernhm
6/14 CDC announces a major (nationwide) alergy alert....call 800-392-2524
6/14 scrutinizing aironautics, PLG logs in to http://www.aft.org
6/15 In the Brawl-for-All Flair and 1-2-3 defeat Samartino and King Kong Mosca
6/15 Clinton rushes to Baltimore to check on status of Nightmare Bombadeer
6/15 Shinichiro Kaneko, off the cross, enjoys inmate bread (cremated) and glue
6/15 PUH interns fill DS up with MD 20-20 and laughing gas
6/15 Barry takes a Greyhound to DC..baggage shipped via Conrail
6/15 Bank of Liverpool gives $50 for west coast recovery
6/15 You can earn $4,000/month from home if you dial 800-343-8014 x 363
6/15 Mobile suffers through record drought..asks Indianapolis for help
6/15 SAA checks DS at PUH- tells interns he smells like corn bread
6/15 Venus flytraps open- then close and flies are trapped..put a meatball in it?
6/16 BrownBag served Texas chili at Johns Hopkins...then has full brown pants
6/16 Sambo discovers http://www.chilnet.cl/ays and invests 179,050 Pesetas
6/16 George Foreman announces his next fight will be in Santiago against ButterBean
6/16 Non-fathers across the nation rejoice. Bulldykes 13, Submarines 0.
6/16 Banco Credito (http://www.bci.cl/) donates 179,050 Pesetas to help rebuild Baja
6/16 McClachie Pirates 2, Florida Marlins 1. HBomb lets out an eruption that shakes DC!
6/16 PLG pursues another college career-to see where-go here- http://www.ufro.cl/
6/16 Mr. Barry arrives in DC just after HBomb shaking. Calls Clinton and Dole
6/16 Alanis notifies CometWorld her new album will be called Jagged Traveler Herodotus
6/16 DS sent home in a stupor..mixed up and loaded- becomes friends with SJMF cheapskates
6/17 new discount airline opens up to Boston, Memphis, Phila + Pittsburgh..DeathJet
6/17 DeathJet first flight from Boston to Memphis crashes killing all 91 aboard
6/17 Marvis Frazier nominated to Distinguished Philadelphians at 800-714-3287
6/17 Jagged Traveler Herodotus knocks Bad Weather Herodotus from the top of the charts
6/17 Brownpants eats chilly chili and reads on Chile at http://www.copesa.cl/
6/17 Jane C sentenced to 20 years hard labor at Murnau Prison-horray!
6/17 On Monday Night Raw Bob Backlund pins Mr. Perfect to win Million Dollar Belt
6/17 DeathJet 2nd flight from Boston to Phila crashes killing all 103 aboard
6/17 Strom Thurmond says he will defeat Elliot Close and serve another 100 years!
6/18 BigPicture Rambo invests 250,600 Guilders in http://www.tandem.cl/
6/18 Burnt out on crack, blunts, foot long Js and wet dank- Heroinballs R.I.P.
6/18 37 killed and 29 injured as DeathJet flight 23 crashes outside of Nashville
6/18 DS, back at work- does the work of 75 men (but not that of 1 woman!)
6/18 Modell guarantees Ravens will win it all. Team colors to be black + blue
6/18 SAA orders dental supplies over the internet...http://www.chilnet.cl/dentalormos
6/18 SF Goldenshowers take over PISS first place with a 2-0 win over Cheeseballs
6/18 Chef Qball Walleye makes murderer stew with deer meat, beans, garlic, etc.
6/18 A massive epidemic of salminella poisioning engulfs McKeesport area
6/19 Banco Sud Americano (http://www.bsa.cl/) sends 250,600 Guilders to west coast
6/19 Hardturd contracts long distance rates with alternative carrier at 800-787-3333
6/19 2 DeathJet flights crash head on over Memphis killing all 205
6/19 Worried about his retirement $/taxes- BigPicture dials 800-291-1123 for help
6/19 Scottie Bowman trades Yzerman for Gretzky. Jets trade Odonnell to Dom Capers
6/19 Stones new CD released....Geriatric Herodotus..Gluesniffer tapes it to pirate
6/19 Looking for a thrill, PLG orders underwear at http://www.chilnet.cl/triber
6/19 Penguin, Grommie and Wallace drink Bud at home but...mysterious calls keep coming
6/19 Earthquake crushes Tijuana and the Bombadeer is in McKeesport!
6/20 Bulldykes, Goldenshowers, Footlongs, Submarines and Nirvanas all tied for 1st place
6/20 Waste Collection (http://www.chilnet.cl/coinca) contracts w/ GasNightmare for life
6/20 DeathJet 30 lands safely at Logan! No one killed or injured. Plane blows up later
6/20 Geriatric Herodotus knocks Jagged Traveler Herodotus behind Bad Weather Herodotus
6/20 Mr. Money SamboRambo sends $250 to http://www.bconce.cl/..Banco Concepcion
6/20 PNC announces it will cost $5 to talk to a teller and $7 to make a deposit
6/20 Shinichiro Kaneko, Hank Baughman, Hakio Hardturd and PLG lunch at McDonalds
6/20 Spy Hard tops cinema list. Gluesniffer says its better than a 2 headed blue deer
6/21 East coast under heatwave as Washington cooks at 110 and Cleveland boils at 121
6/21 DeathJet blows up over NJ and 2 crash on runway at Phila. Everyone killed
6/21 AC units burn up all over east. Demand for energy rises 1000 %
6/21 SamboRamboBigBucks compressor conks out..Bombadeer recharges it with natural gas
6/21 PhD PLG enrolls in cyber-university at http://ona.fl.umag.cl/
6/21 Buckminster Fuller Proctology School expells Gastrointestinal Nightmare
6/21 Ravens flagship radio carrier to be WEIR-AM (1430) Weirton
6/21 Jeter, Bevington, Bochy, Howe, Riggleman, Knight and Johnson lunch at Miami Subs
6/21 Petronas Tower burns to the ground. Rush put on the Jin Mao bldg in Shanghai
6/22 Platapus join Yellowbuckets in virtual 7 team first place tie in PISS
6/22 Jackson Browne releases new CD...... Running on Herodotus
6/22 Seeking yet another thrill PLG calls 800-695-4858 and 800-824-3145
6/22 Bobby the Brain Heenan signs the Undertaker and Freddie Blassie approves
6/22 DeathJet signs for air traffic control at http://www.scubed.com/caltrans/transnet
6/22 DS, BigPicture, Hardturd and Brownpants work feverishly to convert WPIC to MUH
6/22 Summer heatwave continues:113 Baltimore, 112 Erie, 110 Columbus and 110 Newark
6/22 ButterBean flies United to Santiago to prepare for Foreman in the thin air
6/22 Dole tells Newt- I will beat Clinton with one hand tied behind my back
6/22 7 DeathJets crash simultaneously...fleet now down to one 49 year old cargo plane
6/23 SamboJambo (lumps sum payment in hand) spends $98,900 at http://www.maronda.com
6/23 Running on Herodotus tops the charts. Gluesniffer says its better than sterno
6/23 CBS Sunday PISS action: Bulldykes 0, Yellowbuckets 0. Potatos 1, Cyberkinks 1.
6/23 Foreman flies DeathJet cargo to Santiago to eat chili Arch Deluxe burgers
6/23 BFS Brownbagger lets it all out....Mon/Yough completely contaminated
6/23 Nightmare, Heroinballs, BigPicture and Forest Gregg lunch at Port Vue Wendys
6/23 Snows ravage the south, Mobile under 2 feet and Dallas/Ft. Worth shutdown
6/23 Machoman buys sector petroleum stocks at http://www.enap.cl/english
6/23 Pheonix Coyotes hire Eddie Johnston as their first coach....look out!
6/23 West coast bill down significantly to- $793,532,902,312,010,100,000,000.00
6/24 Halicunating PLG imagines she is with the Pope discussing the evils of astrology
6/24 BigPicture decides to get an education- calls 800-867-4334
6/24 BigPicture, instantly educated.. checks out http://www.pitt.edu/~sbdc
6/24 Santiago 91.3 FM is on line at http://www.chilnet.cl/conquistador
6/24 Gastrointestinal Nightmare Buckminster evacuates WPIC with one explosion
6/24 Eltons new CD Sleeping with Herodotus tops the charts
6/24 In the ABC Monday Night Piss special the Bulldykes squeeze the Footlongs 1-0
6/24 DeathJet folds after only 121,219 deaths and 877 injured
6/25 Stockmarket drops 602 points on black tuesday, Cyber-porn stocks go limp
6/25 Investors move billions out of porno funds and invest in cyber toy producers
6/25 Toy hot line opens up at 800-238-0960...Sambo cashes in 401K to get dolls
6/25 Men nationwide call 800-451-5074 for penile implants
6/25 SF Goldenshowers flood the Bulldykes 3-0 to again tie up first place
6/25 Police arrest Heroinballs for selling homicide outside of Chiefs Cafe
6/25 Milwaukee Faison bldg evacuated due to mysterious odors. Walleye NOT nearby!
6/25 DOW, NYSE and ASE hit record highs. Investors move trillions back to cyber-porn
6/25 Have pork kielbasa and pierogies delivered to your home-http://www.shopsave.com
6/25 ValuJet and JetTrain merge to become ValuTrain rail road
6/26 Leskanic fires a wild pitch that smashes Marge in the proboscus-18 stiches!!!
6/26 St. Judes/Memphis donates $675,000 to help rebuild west coast
6/26 Jailed Heroinballs subscribes to http://www.webpage.com/hindu/
6/26 Grommie enjoys Purina, Wallace eats toast and the Penguin slops down Bud Light
6/26 Eric Gregg tells Marge he slimmed down to 323 lbs. Marge shows him her scars.
6/26 Giant beats Flair/Luger/Hogan/Sting/Savage and Dusty Rhodes to retain WCW title
6/26 Astronomer Hbomb, looped on cough syrup, sees triple planet near Vega
6/27 PLG, searching for a big thrill tries out http://www.virtualvegas.com
6/27 In a career move DS joins United Brotherhood of Unionized Wirepullers
6/27 Hardturd saddles up $200,000 cash to bail Heroinballs out of lockup
6/27 Heroinballs catches first flight to DC
6/27 In a career move RamboSambo emails (info@cfds.com) on engineering software job
6/27 Barry Foster has a try out with the Baltimore Ravens
6/27 Rodney and Knish drop in unexpectedly at Wallace and Grommies. Penguin looks on
6/28 Marge scarface tells Hamilton county she wants 2 stadiums-side by side
6/28 Barry and Heroinballs smoke out on blunts, wet dank and 2 footlong Js
6/28 KFC announces new spicy-redhot-cajan Egyptian turkey breast only $7.99 piece
6/28 ValuTrain stock soars from $1.80 share to $241.37 share..BigPicture trades in dolls
6/28 Sleeping with Herodotus dethroned by Geriatric Herodotus..Hbomb pirates it
6/28 DC municipal building burns to the ground.. dopeheads seen running down alleyway
6/28 Houston tells Endeavor crew to visit MIR as an alien might be on board
6/28 SamboRamboBigBucks informs Hardturd of his pending resignation
6/28 United Brotherhood of Unionized Wirepullers expells DS for insubordination
6/29 Undertaker defeats Barry Horowitz to win WWF title..Freddie Blassie approves
6/29 BigPicture sends $10,000 to http://www.bolchile.cl/
6/29 Stressed PLG thinks she is with the Pope discussing the evils of satanism
6/29 Modell cuts Foster and signs Jim Brown to a one year deal as FB/asst. coach
6/29 Brewers bomb Toronto 17-2. Submarines and Pissants tie 5-5.
6/29 CIA opens manhunt for Barry and Heroinballs. Clinton says this is top priority!
6/29 Endeavor docks with MIR....Houston warns- use extreme caution-Sagan consulted
6/29 VooDoo Gluesniffer SpaceTraveler Walleye rushed to Houston
6/29 State Police in Baltimore spot crackheads from DC. FBI throws up net
6/29 Modell catches ValuTrain to DC to meet with Clinton and Janet Reno
6/30 Brownbagger consults with Sagan at NASA/Houston -goes into his bag-of-tricks
6/30 Worldwide media leaks that an alien is on the MIR spacestation-world panics
6/30 Scores of deaths from homicide overdoses in the beltway area
6/30 MachoBigPictureRamboSambo resigns to take a wire puller job with Wilmerding HS
6/30 Hbomb Nightmare tells NASA to get the Endeavor away from MIR..Sagan confirms
6/30 Modell asks for amnesty for Heroinballs + Barry..Clinton/Reno approve
6/30 Sagan/Bombadeer/Clinton confer with the Pope and Buckminster Fuller institute
6/30 In an emergency...(neutron bomb bucky-balls) are rushed to Houston
6/30 Gastrointestinal Nightmare loads up on beans/tacos/cheese/pork weiners + kraut
6/30 Hbomb loads 3 neutron bomb bucky-balls and erupts them into outerspace toward MIR
6/30 MIR takes 3 direct hits...alien confirmed dead...Hbomb murderer (again) World Hero!
If you enjoyed this material, you can find other satire, humor, comedy and sarcasm written by Dan Sroka at the following sites:
- Dan Sroka World Famous Calendars and Short Stories
- Dan Sroka's Unpublished Proceedings
- Dan Sroka's Digital Diarrhea
- satire-by-sroka
- Dan Sroka's Berserk Briefs
  
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Dan Sroka June 1996 Calendar

Copyright © Dan Sroka, 5/19/96, 4/08