Dan Sroka May 1996 Calendar

• 5/1 The Professional Indoor Soccer Society (PISS) begins operations in 30 major US cities
• 5/1 Imelda Marcos buys 9 inch stilleto high heels at quicknet2.quicknet.com/fashboot.html
• 5/1 BigPicture buys 3.4 million shares of Ultrafem Inc. at $10 a share- a super bargain!!
• 5/1 Bombadeer Walleye-jet propelled by natural gastrointestinal bombs-flys over the High Level Bridge
• 5/1 Moi University of Kenya accepts PLG as a freshman in the Law School
• 5/1 O'Donnell tells Jets to "shove it"......Im going back to the Steelers and win the Superbowl
• 5/1 Call 1 800 231 3608 for prospectus on Van Kampen American MD 20-20 fund
• 5/1 Magnavox notifies SAA in a certified letter-NO MORE VCR's!
• 5/1 Cleveland Bulldykes bash the NY Dolls 1-0 in first PISS game before 34,200 fans in MSG
• 5/1 Daily # 302 hits in NJ Lottery- payout $33.1 million dollars....state declares bankrupsy
• 5/1 Cosmonauts in MIR spacestation tell NASA/Houston over a 300 baud modem--We will burry you-
• 5/2 Wallace tells Grommie to get the Penguin.....Grommie looks at Wallace in surprise
• 5/2 Imelda Marcos admitted to Foote Hospital-call her at (517) 789-5933
• 5/2 In a record PISS game (67,231 attendance) the SF Goldenshowers beat the Memphis Submarines 1-0
• 5/2 On the outskirts of Columbus-DS stops for a rest at Motel 8. Jane C lodges into the same hotel
• 5/2 OJ tells Campbell to reconstitute Nicole so that "I can cut her head off again!"
• 5/2 Northern Telecom buys Deutsch Telecoms ISDN section...see www.nortel.com for details
• 5/2 SAA slops down "Baldie" pretzels..DS calls about hair transplant from hotel-1 800 515-HAIR
• 5/2 Art Modell informs Baltimore officials he wants a dome on the new stadium or else!
• 5/2 Machoman Rambo (BigPicture Sambo) heads out on an excursion to Quebec....purpose unclear
• 5/2 Baseball fever sweeps the nation.....stadiums full to the hilt..Walleye evacuates 3 Rivers with a H-bomb!
• 5/3 Modell moving his team to Reno....nicknamed "Cheapskates"..for more info dial 1 800 866-6000
• 5/3 PLG takes a trip to Kenya to visit her new hunting grounds and gets overwhelmed by the fleas
• 5/3 Lubbock Footlongs dump the Philadelphia Slaves 1-0 in PISS action on the east coast
• 5/3 1902 hits as the Pick4 in Ohio..DS and Jane C both hit...win $3.7 million total- now best of friends
• 5/3 Clinton tells Carter "I'll beat Bob Dole with 2 hands tied behind my back"
• 5/3 Black Friday wrecks Wall Street as Janus Tax Exempt Money Market drops 279 points every hour
• 5/3 Penguin seen snooping around womans (high heel) shoe store at Monroeville Mall
• 5/3 Walleye Gluesniffer dumps a big load right in the middle of Fifth Ave (consumed chili all night long)
• 5/3 In the Friday PISS Night game on CBS-the LA Murderers slashed the Milwaukee Cheeseballs 1-0
• 5/3 Susan Sarandon informs Chicago Sun-Times her next movie will be named "Live Man Dead"
• 5/3 Heroinballs buys crack....snorts until his proboskus swells and turns purple
• 5/3 Blues sell Gretzky to NY Rangers for $33.1 million-Rangers sell him to NJ Devils verbatim
• 5/4 Golden-crowned Kinglet seen at Big Pictures bird feeder. He takes a (Big) picture of it
• 5/4 Jackson Browne reported courting both Alanis and Joan (as well as Mariah, Madonna and Aretha)
• 5/4 Purple nosed Heroinballs calls 800 526-3082 about a laser facial nose transplant
• 5/4 Dunn and Cranmer tell Dawida that government is clean as a 200 year old chimney
• 5/4 Buckwheat Zydeco tops the charts!!! More info can be obtained at 800 346-1958
• 5/4 Wall Street energized overnight as cyber-porn stocks rocket all over the place
• 5/4 Jane C and DS get looped at the Motel 8 on a gallon of Elton Elderberry wine
• 5/4 Birmingham Stallions and the Portland Potatos fight to a 1-1 tie on the PISS court in Portland
• 5/4 WWF champ Mankind cuts off his arm and gives it to the Undertaker to bury in peace
• 5/4 Itchy watery eyes? Check out http://www.claritin.com
• 5/4 Chicago Sears Tower burns to the ground....2,001 killed. Sun Times says it was a candle in the wind!
• 5/5 Putman Asia Fund, Fremont Global and Monitor Growth merge to become Freemont Monitor Globe Press
• 5/5 Back from Kenya with 107,000 flea bites-PLG reports Golden-crowned Kinglets galore at feeder
• 5/5 Art informs Nevada legislature that he is here for eternity (with the right concession package)
• 5/5 PISS NBC sunday spectacular- Washington Platapus' dump the Fort Worth Cyberkinks 1-0
• 5/5 Grommie at Monroeville Mall. Buys 7 inch red stiletto bedroom slippers and inquires about the Penguin
• 5/5 The blizzard of the Century hits Mexico-52 inches of snow in Mexico City-200 inches in Juarez
• 5/5 Alonzo signs a record contract with the Heat.....$200 million over 10 years. Jordan retires
• 5/5 Ridge summons SAA to Harrisburg to speak on periodontal disease-running rampant in the capital
• 5/5 Walleye finally mounts that whole house ceiling fan in the bathroom (800,000 cfms)
• 5/6 Boston/Port Vue/Elizabeth and McKeesport all totally evacuated by mysterious fumes
• 5/6 61C crashes- 3 killed and 72 injured as the Bombadeer drops a neutron bomb on 8th Avenue
• 5/6 Post Gazette reports that Kinglets are invading the tri-state by the billions
• 5/6 Hardturd sends Big Picture Rambo-Sambo to Montreal to get feedback on wireless phones from Quebec
• 5/6 Fleet Capital (800 77F-LEET) selling Pittsburgh Brewing stock dirt cheap (up to $11,900,000 worth)
• 5/6 Reno Art buys O'Donnell from the Jets for $25.2 million. Signs Nashville Jefferson St. Joe as backup for $200.00
• 5/6 Santorum calls Specter who calls Ridge who calls SAA-Get that home page on the web!
• 5/6 Another Black Monday rocks Wallstreet as Hirtle Callaghan Homestead Value fund disappears
• 5/6 MacWarehouse special 300 baud modems $7 each -order today at 800 -255-6227
• 5/6 On Monday Night Raw Razor Ramon cuts off Champ Mankinds leg....gives it to OJ as a souvenir
• 5/7 First place Cleveland Bulldykes stomp the St. Paul Boilers 1-0 before 33,700 fans in Akron
• 5/7 Brad Smith informs NASA that Pluto and Charon are comets according to 4th dimension Brownbag Walleye
• 5/7 Weiss accuses certain county officials of "perfidious behavior" and "bush league" politics
• 5/7 Dial 800 762-0332 to Bank at Night! New subscribers will get prunes for breakfast......
• 5/7 Jung informs Alanis (via a 300 baud modem) that she suffers from an anima/animus mixup
• 5/7 In Santa Ana SAA's Mom hits A Jethro Tull brick in the garage (moved by a cat!)
• 5/7 Roger Tory Peterson rushes to Pittsburgh (via ValueJet) to check on the Kinglets
• 5/7 Sambo Bigbucks invests in Robert Morris Tax Free College Revenue bonds (800 PNC-6111)
• 5/7 Moi University expells PLG permanently..no fees refunded
• 5/7 Astronomer (Percival Lowell) Walleye Bombadeer notifies Sagan that Io's density is 3.6 grams/cent.
• 5/7 Sam Keen meets with Campbell, Bill Moyers, Anne Valley-Fox and the Bombadeer in Philadelphia
• 5/8 Heroinballs proclaims "I can't take any more bad water-I've been poisoned from my head down to my shoes"
• 5/8 Penguin rushed to Foote Hospital ICU with a deep gouge in his head from a red high heel
• 5/8 Marcos and Penguin in the same room...He stares at her shoes-says nothing
• 5/8 In a bizarre developement- brick moving cats chase Golden-crowned Kinglets out of western PA!
• 5/8 Foreman signs to fight Iron Mike on Dec. 25 for 300,000 Big Macs. Weighs in at a slim 471 lbs.
• 5/8 ACLU convinces WWW to shut down Furry Muck. Greenspan says its a good move
• 5/8 WWF champ Mankind relinquishes the title after he cuts off his own head in MSG. OJ not present
• 5/8 CMU and Pitt modem pools switch to super slow 300 baud modems to "reduce expenditures"
• 5/9 Eddie Johnston tells Baldwin "I will win the cup or you can fire me". Baldwin says "youre fired!"
• 5/9 Indianapolis Yellowbuckets 1, Denver Nirvanas 0. Portland Potatos 1, LA Murderers 0.
• 5/9 279 hits in Maryland lottery...record payout 155.2 million. Modell announces he's going back to Balt.!
• 5/9 Record heatwave melts Mexico. Hi 120 degrees in Mexico City
• 5/9 Imelda stabs Penguin in the head with a 9 inch high heel- 13 stiches required-Penguin moved
• 5/9 Big Picture Machoman and Bombadeer Walleye gaze at the moon with brown bags in hand
• 5/9 Get your Flowering Bushes! www.michaels.com
• 5/9 Last place Pirates loose 12th straight 15-0. MaClatchy says he's going to Sacramento
• 5/9 PLG to become a nurse...enrolls at 800 423-USAF. Hired as part time pilot also at www.valujet.com
• 5/9 An epidemic of high heel head stabbings sweeps the country...thousands in emergency rooms nationwide
• 5/9 Hotties all tangled up in blue--Bob Dylan says "Just pay up!"
• 5/10 DS rushed to PUH ICU with a deep high heel stab wound on the forehead. Jane C hides all her shoes
• 5/10 Federal Govt declares Social Security is dead! Tokyo Nikkei index down 200,000 points in one second
• 5/10 Jung tells Cambell to have FDR reconstituted. Modell says "bring back the AAFC"
• 5/10 Greenspan reports a castrophe is on the horizon (over 300 baud modem). Billions lost in one second
• 5/10 Sambo BigBucks withdrawls all from his 403Bs and 401Ks and invests in "high heel high yield bonds"
• 5/10 NYSE folds. Clinton calls Yeltsin. Yeltsin calls Greenspan. Greenspan calls Forbes. Forbes calls Modell.
• 5/10 Walter informs the public that the Blackest Black Friday is here. World in absolute caous.......
• 5/10 Investors move trillions out of stocks into bonds of the high heeled variety
• 5/10 Alanis seen with Jackson Browne with 10 inch platform high heels on and one hand in his pocket
• 5/10 TIAA-CREF offers it's newest investment vehicle-"Penguin High Heeled/Yield Fixed Bond Option"
• 5/11 Hospital emergency rooms full of injured people stabbed in the head with high heels
• 5/11 Goldust wins WWF title over Ultimate Warrior in a special High Heel Boot Cage Match
• 5/11 Walleye Bombadeer consults the Toxic Avenger on waste removal policy/proceedures
• 5/11 Shoe stores can't keep high heels stocked-shoe manufacturers hire thousands to increase production
• 5/11 Wall street skyrockets as bonds go higher than Brown Bag Bombadeer on airplane glue
• 5/11 Greenspan visits Imelda at Foote and thanks her for saving the economy. Call her at 517-789-5933
• 5/11 Carolina textiles profits up by the billions as women world wide demand higher heels
• 5/11 Art moves the Cheapskates to Memphis- renames them the Memphis Stillettos
• 5/11 NYSE renamed NYBE. Nikkei rallies as Bonds go above the 11 inch height
• 5/11 Mule Day celebration at Columbia Tenn. For tickets- 615-381-9557
• 5/11 WWW announces you must now have 300 baud modems to log in
• 5/11 Odoriferous Bombadeer leaks fumes....Allegheny County under pollution emergency..37 suffocations
• 5/12 Foreman takes on a new career..to learn what- go to- www.pacul.com
• 5/12 Non-mothers all over the world give thanks
• 5/12 Malcom Glazer announces he will move the Bucs to Cleveland. New team name--Brownbucs
• 5/12 call 800-242-BANK for a special Mothers Day car loan........7.99%
• 5/12 SAA buys $27,000 worth of clothing at www.jcpenny.com
• 5/12 In the PA lottery 512 hits, proving that Nick Perry is alive and RICH
• 5/12 USAF expells PLG unconditionally. ValueJet 727 crashes outside of Atlanta- 39 killed
• 5/12 Marcos released from Foote-immediately goes to the Wild Pair and stocks up on new Penguin 9 inchers
• 5/12 Modell (overcome with jealousy) states "the Browns are mine"...moves Stillettos back to Cleveland
• 5/12 Buckwheat Zydeco and Bruce Hornsby and the Range merge to become the Buckwheat Rangeboys
• 5/13 Nasdaq/ASE/NYSE wrecked as Tivoli buys IBM at $33 share... Austin named capital of Capital
• 5/13 in monday night PISS action the Detroit Pink Cadillacs hand the Bulldykes their first loss 1-0.
• 5/13 Walleye consumes a quart of Geritol....stupors at Sirius B and Epsilon Eridani for hours in a daze
• 5/13 Art and Malcom meet in public at the Old Arcade....the public will decide if it will be the Brownbucs or the Stillettos
• 5/13 call (205) 252-7652 as Birmingham salutes the Republic of Korea....Sweet Home Alabama
• 5/13 DS released from hospital..Wants (more) from Jane C..they house hunt at www.coldwellbanker.com
• 5/13 Geritol man wakes up and notifies Sagan- over 300 baud modem- surf. temp of Sirius B is 32,001 k
• 5/13 Pilgrims notify NASA in a message sent 32 years earlier (received today) that "Rose trees never grow in NYC"
• 5/13 Melrose Place announces that Heather has been dumped...Natalie Merchant to take her place next season
• 5/13 Gretzky traded to Dallas. Gainey sells him to Milbury-who tells Gretzky to call Florida/Maclean
• 5/14 Wallstreet at record high....8909- Tivoli (www.tivoli.com) totally responsible-IBM at $2,400 a share
• 5/14 Reagan (with teleprompter) calls Stargazer Walleye-wants to know surface temp. of Epsilon Eridani
• 5/14 Jung calls Walleye Bombadeer..is it synchronicity.. or can those fumes take you to the 4th dimension????
• 5/14 Campbell communicates (via 300 baud modem) to Geritol man Walleye..is this bliss.........?
• 5/14 Northern Ohio overwhellmingly says no to Mo....Brownbucs here to stay...Art looks for a temporary shelter
• 5/14 Jane C and DS search www.northwood.com/www.pruwpa.com and www.howardhanna.com for an abode
• 5/14 SmallPicture Sambo calls Gluesniffer to see if he can get in on this windfall. Gluesniffer doesnt answer
• 5/14 Unpredicted blizzard hits Indiana thru New England.....all plants destroyed
• 5/14 Contact Al Gore in Flagstaff at 800 437-8181.......Barry Goldwater approves
• 5/14 Sagan consults Jung on nirvana related to the 4th dimension. Jung tells Sagan to see Mr. Walleye!
• 5/14 Plgst2 accepted as Dean of Womans Studies at www.plg.edu
• 5/14 Bonds drop to the bottom of the ocean.....500 billion high heels sent to India/China
• 5/14 Textiles drop below all recorded records! Cyberkinks 1 , Slaves 0
• 5/15 Murphy and McClatchy announce new baseball only stadium will be built on top of 3 Rivers Stadium!
• 5/15 PLG dreams she flies to Barcelona to check on Gaudis gargoyles
• 5/15 Ithaca city council accepts $10 million (donation) from Cornell..city tells university your #1
• 5/15 CDC reports a previously unknown deadly virus is running wild in Boston/Elizabeth and surrounding areas
• 5/15 Real estate values fall to all time record low levels in Port Vue/Boston/Lincoln/Liberty/Glassport, etc.
• 5/15 Kemper High Yield fund takes a nose-dive. Entrepreneur BigPicture Sambo loads up on KHYF
• 5/15 A record crowd watches the highest scoring game in PISS history as Goldenshowers beat the Dolls 3-2
• 5/15 Volcano erupts in Brazilian mountains killing thousands...coffee crops burned like Juan
• 5/15 CIA reports that a strange monolith has been reported near Lake Pyramid..area quarantined
• 5/16 In a quick deal...Jane C and DS buy a 20 room home in Glassport for $250..no mortgage involved
• 5/16 A mysterious humongous black cloud engulfs the southern portion on Brazil
• 5/16 CDC notifies Federal Govt. that a deadly concentrated white cloud has consumed the Mon Yough area
• 5/16 Nevada State police report the Carson City area is in caous as a long blue cloud hangs over the town
• 5/16 Wallace orders Grommie to get those trowsers back from the Penguin
• 5/16 Sagan summoned to Lake Pyramid by Clinton
• 5/16 NASA summons BrownBag Walleye (with a shopping bag) to Mon Yough
• 5/16 In an emergency- PLG is summoned from Barcelona to Porto Alegre
• 5/16 send resume to www.career.mosaic.com:80/cm/lockheed4.html
• 5/16 Art signs a letter of agreement to move NoHomes to Brownsville..name? Brownsville Mojos
• 5/17 Chicago Stock exchange wrecked as coffee prices jump to $571 a bushel
• 5/17 Coffee addicts world-wide loot markets....major civil outbreaks occuring across the planet
• 5/17 Van Morrison releases Tupelo Honey in Nanchang-CD sells 41.2 million copies in one day!
• 5/17 Bombadeer (goes into his bag of tricks)...inhales concentrated white cloud then swims in the Mon
• 5/17 At the hotel Hector Vorado in Porto Alegre-PLG is overcome by burnt coffee fumes..rushed to ICU
• 5/17 Walter reports on the CBS News that some very odd things are occuring in western Nevada
• 5/17 Girls running wild in China with high heels on and Tupelo Honey CDs...Government says this must end!
• 5/17 Black Friday on Wallstreet. Market drops 279 points at close...down to 8989
• 5/17 8989 hits in Wisconsin lottery.........$200 payout
• 5/17 CDC declares Monongahela River is contaminated forever! Odors permeate western PA..hundreds die
• 5/17 Hardturd, via a 300 baud modem, connects to www and explores the world of cyber-porn
• 5/18 32 Stealth bombers sent to Nevada. Sagan evacuated. Walleye flies to Carson City on a bi-plane
• 5/18 Clinton orders Nevada complete vacated-as of today....World holds its breath in antisipation
• 5/18 Stealth bombers invade long blue cloud. Monolith turns from a gray hue to burnt coffee black
• 5/18 Bi-plane enters blue cloud as monolith rises and becomes parallel with long blue cloud
• 5/18 Billions watch on TV as Nevada mystery unfolds...monolith enters cloud
• 5/18 Lake Pyramid begins to boil....earthquakes rock western Nevada and eastern Calif.
• 5/18 World forgets about coffee catastrophe-only concern now is what is happening in Nevada?
• 5/18 Walleye communicates (via 300 baud modem) with Clinton/Sagan/Yeltsin and Janet Reno
• 5/18 Stealth bombers disappear! Bombadeer left alone in a blue fog in his bi-plane with monolith
• 5/18 Lake continues to boil and percolate.....coffee odors everywhere
• 5/18 Bombadeer, in a glue induced fit, speaks Hakka chinese over modem. Monolith responds
• 5/19 In what seems an eternity Monolith communicates (thru Brownbagger) with Sagan over 300 baud modem
• 5/19 Washington/Moscow/London/Paris etc. all in utter caous..what is happening???????
• 5/19 After hours of negotiations Sagan tells stuppored Bombadeer to "drop the biggest bomb you can!"
• 5/19 Mr. Gastorintestinal Nightmare explodes the largest eruption ever seen in the known universe
• 5/19 Blue cloud and monolith disappear as mysteriously as they came...Walleye crash lands in Nevada desert
• 5/19 World saved! Billions of gallons of coffee available in Lake. Coffee trees suddenly begin growing in NYC
• 5/19 Clinton (via 300 baud modem) contacts Bombadeer in Nevada..declares him a world hero
• 5/19 PLG (who has been in a coma) wakes at the Sangria hospital...had a weird dream about Nevada/monolith etc.
• 5/20 Art announces he is moving the Mojos to Carson City...they will become the Nevada Brownliquids
• 5/20 Tupelo Honey pirated CDs sell by the trillions in China. Marcos travels to Nanjing to buy some footware
• 5/20 Cleveland Bulldykes slaughter the Albuquerque Rodents 3-0. Maintain league lead.
• 5/20 Foreman consumes a tugboat at the Fort Walton Beach Seafood Festival
• 5/20 Wallstreet at record highs as world is saved and coffee is plentiful for decades to come!
• 5/20 NASA receives message from Pilgrims....they report a time warp having to do with a blue cloud/monolith and Hbomb
• 5/20 Sagan reports in UN World Conference what occured in Nevada. Building evacuated as Bombadeer lets it all out!
• 5/20 Big Picture invests in New York City coffee tree stocks...dirt cheap
• 5/20 Glassport 20 room home burns to the ground. Arson suspected. DS and Jane C locked up without bail
• 5/20 SAA- experimenting with roof antenna pulls in WISN, channel 12 in Milwaukee
• 5/21 Tea prices skyrocket in China. Van Morrison Tea Company opens up.
• 5/21 Young ladys all over China demand very high heels. Carolina textile companies work round the clock to meet demand
• 5/21 www.plg.edu folds. Modell signs Gretzky as quarterback of the Brownliquids.
• 5/21 Bruno Sammartino defeats Baron Migel Secluna for the vacant WWF title. Diesel retires.
• 5/21 Chopra meets with Keen, Sagan, Ed Stone, Wilson Pickett, Modell, Oberon and Tyson.
• 5/21 Jackson Browne marries Natalie. 9,999 Maniacs protest. Alanis on the pill kick again.
• 5/21 Johns Hopkins announces a cure for gastrointestinal eruptions....volunteers recruited
• 5/21 Antenna adjusting gives SAA WWJ/62/Detroit and WMC/5/Memphis...fax 901367-1893 in Memphis
• 5/21 Penguin seen near Grommies house. Trowsers now equipped with high heels
• 5/21 The Washington Platapus' 1, LA Murderers 1 on CBS PISS Tuesday night special
• 5/22 Sambo Bigpicture sees a vulture at his bird feeder eating cracked corn
• 5/22 Astronomer (William Herschel) Brownbag peers at Miranda chevron with 200 power telescope
• 5/22 Art names Chuck Noll as coach of Brownliquids...new 500 million dollar stadium to be built in desert
• 5/22 OJ Enterprises opens up in southern Calif. Mail order a machette today
• 5/22 Texas Rangers take over first place in a blowout over Red Socks
• 5/22 Star tabloid reports that 2 headed deer aliens has been spotted on Mars. Astronomers to investigate
• 5/22 Foodland, Giant Eagle and Shop + Save merge to become -Giant Shop Land-
• 5/22 Greenspan says the economy is robust....babyboomers saving by the trillions
• 5/22 A small earthquake rocks Boston/Elizabeth. 3.2 on the Rickter scale
• 5/22 In an unexplained phenomenon..the Mon begins to flow backwards
• 5/23 111 pays out 3.7 million in the New York daily lottery
• 5/23 A medium sized earthquake destroys property in Port Vue and Lincoln Boro
• 5/23 Mellon Bank buys BankAmerica in a 61 trillion dollar deal. To open headquarters in Salt Lake City
• 5/23 Forrest Gregg announced as new head coach of the Cleveland Brownbucs
• 5/23 Chef Qball Walleye cooks up bryndzove halusky and potato harula to generate strong bombs
• 5/23 Otis lives at ernie.bgsu.edu/~adavoli/otis.html
• 5/23 Dr. Jack Kevorkian assists himself in his own suicide. Results very successful
• 5/24 Vultures seen at bird feeders all over western PA.
• 5/24 Big Bertha calls 800 786-7123...to shead lbs. on the Gorayeb hypnosis method
• 5/24 Art balks at deal with Nevada.....moving team to Seattle Kingdome and changing name to Brownhawks
• 5/24 A major snowstorm plows into Kansas and Mo. Both states declared disaster areas
• 5/24 Mysterious fumes engulf Mon Yough area-hundreds hospitalized in CCUs
• 5/24 AT&T bought by Turku Telephone/Finland for 800 billion dollars
• 5/24 Beerbelly Convention-St. Louis convention center-Bud for everyone!
• 5/24 Friday Night PISS game of the week-Footlongs 1, Yellowbuckets 0.
• 5/25 Walleye and Dave the P. man travel to Lake Erie...Walleye gets 13 Carp...eats them raw
• 5/25 PSU experiences a massive termite infestation-www.value-link.com/killroy.html on the case
• 5/25 A nationwide dental floss shortage causes public to floss with chicken wire
• 5/25 Merchant divorces Browne who immediately ties the knot with Cyndi Lauper
• 5/26 PAT announces 61C route cancelled as too many catastrophes have occured along this route
• 5/26 BigBucks Sambo calls his broker-puts $2,000 into Metatec
• 5/26 Billionaire Ted buys the WWF for 30 billion dollars...renames it the WCWWF. Huckster is the champ
• 5/26 Padres in first place in the west as they sweep the Reds 4 straight
• 5/26 Heavy rains cause massive floods in China. Young girls demand 12 inch high heels as a result
• 5/26 DS breaks out of county lockup. A massive police search nets no results
• 5/27 Brownbagger views holiday fireworks through telescope...goes blind--rushed to ICU/MGH
• 5/27 PLG gets a new computer- a Timex Sinclair 64K. Subscribes to www.eunet.sk/slovakia/slovakia.html
• 5/27 Lindros traded for Hull whos traded for Jagr whos traded for Eiserman whos traded for Stevens
• 5/27 Baseball hiccups sweep the NL and AL....Oscar Meyer stock closed on friday at 17.2
• 5/28 Wallstreet hits an all time record propelled by weiner stocks (especially Oscar Meyer- up 279 points!)
• 5/28 LA Police report that DS may have been spotted in Hollywood. National manhunt begins
• 5/28 Jane C vows to get DS from jail cell stating "I will kill that mother fucker"
• 5/28 Cheeseballs 0, Slaves 0..Goldenshowers 1, Stallions 1..Potatos 2, Pink Cadillacs 2.
• 5/28 Liberty Boro contacts uptown.turnpike.net/~arturo/rats.html about uncontrolled rodent problem
• 5/28 Modell tells NFL all deals are off! He might move his franchise to the CFL
• 5/29 Stocks drop to rock-bottom...Investors fit to be tied...$199 trillion lost in one day!!!!!!!
• 5/29 London stock market crashes.... Great Britain asks Princess Di for special favors (to help out)
• 5/29 Grommie captures Penguin (with high-heeled wrong trousers) and takes them to Wallace
• 5/29 Reno says "halitosis is our number one enemy-floss with electrical wire- if necessary"
• 5/29 Heroinballs signs up for Food Stamps
• 5/29 Baltimore Orioles beat Cleveland Indians and take over AL top spot
• 5/29 Halicunating Bombadeer Walleye kicked out of MGH for depleating the OXYGEN
• 5/29 OJ reported murdered! Head cutoff with his own machette!!
• 5/29 Calif. lottery daily number- 911.....payout a record 3 BILLION dollars!
• 5/30 Boxcar Willie gets a RR career at www.ess.harris.com
• 5/30 Federal Govt. says 300 baud modems are totally obsolete-a new class of 150 baud ones will be the standard
• 5/30 Jane C breaks out of jail.....she is on a mission- as usual
• 5/30 JAL notifies CIA that DS flew to Osaka with a suitcase containing (perhaps) 2 million dollars and CA lottery tickets
• 5/30 Art calls Jung to see if there is any way to bring Art Cigarlips back from the dead. Carl says he will check
• 5/30 Market rebounds...up 279 points first second of operation!
• 5/30 Diabolique becomes hottest movie of all time. St Philomena converted to a Stone shrine
• 5/31 Scientist report that Epsilon Eridani became a super-nova overnight..Earth in imminent danger
• 5/31 BigPicture sells 3.4 million shares of Ultrafem Inc. at $11 a share- a super bargain!!
• 5/31 Nikkei index goes on a rampage as Japanese telescopes sell like Dennys hotcakes
• 5/31 Dial 800 762-0332 to Bank at Night! New subscribers will get pork patties for breakfast......
• 5/31 Florida Daily number pays out 29.8 million as 123 hits for 2 days in a row
• 5/31 Nikitas shoe sold for 379,700 ruples in St. Petersburg
• 5/31 Cleveland Bulldykes enhance their record to 14-1-0 as they beat the Pittsburgh Pissants
• 5/31 Major earthquake rocks the Boston/Liberty Boro/McKeesport metroplex

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  If you enjoyed this material, you can find other satire, humor, comedy and sarcasm written by Dan Sroka at the following sites:
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  • Dan Sroka's Digital Diarrhea
  • satire-by-sroka
  • Dan Sroka's Berserk Briefs

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    Copyright © Dan Sroka, 3/15/96, 4/08

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