Dan Sroka February 1998 Calendar

• 1 Frauline Fellatio Freda announces a tour of the big beerbelly/bookweeten-Janhinnerk district including special free for alls at Butzbach, Mainz and Hessen
• 1 An American Werewolf is seen in Paris and a Modernday Caveman is seen in Pittsburgh
• 1 Boozeboys Hakio Hardturd and Sambo Roughneck (calcified-liver) Rambo cry all morning at church.....the boys are in withdrawl. Hakios neurons and synapses are so ravaged by the effects of alcohol and tobacco, not to mention the salt burning his blood shot eyes, that he sees the angel Gabriel walking toward him. Hardturd, freightened and jittery, reaches for his pint of Absolute Alcohol and downs the whole thing. The church elders escort Hardturd out to the alleyway where he can sleep in the adjacant Burger King dumpster, undisturbed. Sambo, who has now cried all of the last months booze out of his body, comes alive only to find his bar-hopping boozebuddy gone. Sambo thinks a transcendental metaphysical miracle has occured and Hardturd has ascended into heaven.....Sambo passes out even though he was not bombed out of his gord
• 1 Simple-minded air-head punks without an ounce of creativity in their wretched bodies surf the net looking for material they can plagiarize and put on their stupid/lame home pages along with: About me, Links to my Friends, My Favorite Music, A picture of my latest Bowel movement, A count of the worts on my anal opening, My Daddy driving his 18 wheeler , etc. etc.
• 1 The space-know-it-alls at NASA/Houston leak it gently to the public, through the esteemed Houston news media, that herbivorous animals of some sort have been detected on Europa. No further details are given
• 1 Dead-head Heroinballs relaxes at the Radio Ranch with mescaline, crack, nalline, psilocybin, amidone, concentrated/fortified hash and demerol.......the drug addict wonders....do I have enough to last me to noon??
• 2 The Stolichnii Bank merges with the Siphnian Treasury which buys the Athenian Treasury
• 2 At work, Ice Princess feels a strange craving. She rushes out to the local supermarket and wolfs down half a dozen long thick bananas. IP thinks to herself....I must need potassium
• 2 Hardturd finally sobers up and crawls up out of the Burger King dumpster. His cognitions are confused and shattered (at best). Hakio Hardturd heads for the liquor store and the cigar shop to load up
• 2 The UN proposes a special bailout for Indonesia. A no payback Crony Capitalism gift of $203 trillion funded by a special Bundestax on the cathouses of Westphalia
• 2 Our good buddy Meat-eater Cannibal Flatulance-bomb lets out a nasal/lung destroyer. Luckily, all present had their gas masks handy and no one died in the incident
• 2 Get a $2,000 sign-on bonus! Fax 614-566-6953 . Get a auto career job........888-624-8586
• 3 Kak Paskahousu Brownpants calls a meeting of the goons of The Unionized Central Brothers of the American National Union Society (ANUS). Bigboy tells the half-wits.... if there are herbivorous animals of some sort somewhere in our solar system, they are a threat to us! We must purge the solar system, and eventually the universe, of these creatures. As hes going through his agitated gyrations, Brownpants feels a big one plopping out and oozing down his leg. The goons get a wiff of this putrid monster and go nuts. Pistols are fired, people are stabbed and mass caous engulfs the ANUS HALL. In the mele, Brownpants is shot but the paramedics refuse to treat the big beast due to the toxic odors emulating from this big stinking monster. As a result, Kak Paskahousu Brownpants died, on the site, with a footlong e.coli log imbeded in his pants. His rotten carcas was moved by a bull dozer and buried in a nearby ravine/sewer
• 3 Freda declares victory in Butzbach and she is presented with the German Bundesbond Internet Weinersnitzel Foundations second highest honor....the KANT KEEP IT UP! (HB) BIG BEERBELLY Plaque. Fuhrer Braunschweiger and Field-Marshal Kitchener announce Freda will be given her special honor before 58,000 rabid bundesbeerbellies at the Hamburger Volksparkstadion next month. All tickets have already been sold so dont even try to get any!
• 3 Nicodemus blasts the Weinersnitzel Foundation! The nerve of those sexist swines! We wont stand for this!
• 3 Stiffneck/Rubberneck Wino Sambo pulls into the office stoned (again). Sambo is discharged. Heading back in the direction that he thinks is home, Sambo plows into a tractor trailer carrying 20 tons of steel. The truck driver was killed, and the cargo completely demolished, but Boozeboy Sambo Rubberneck escaped the accident without as much as a scratch!
• 3 The NY Times declares Walt Whitman was a pagan! Heroinballs leaves the Radio Ranch and heads for the Lone Mountain Ranch where hes heard lots of --highs-- can be achieved
• 4 Having been clogged up for several days Baluga H Cornhole visits Dr. Poindexter J. Skinflint. Skinflint unclogs the Baluga and refers the goon to Buckminster Shitpants House of Enemas for daily treatment
• 4 Rumors run rampant in Pedros Pool Hall ..........Baluga H Cornhole is a fag, Ice Princess has been banned from the supermarkets because she wont stop eating bananas, Kak Paskahousu Brownpants was a no-good mother fucker and should have been killed long ago, the Lost Boys gave Dave a foot long electric toilet plunger handle, the boys at the Liverlips Bar + Grill saw angel Gabriel walk in and drink a bottle of Thunderbird last night, Hardturd has a ticket to Frauline Fellatio Fredas celebration at Volksparkstadion, sheister slob Doughboy suffers from urinary incontinence, on and on and on.....
• 4 The US and Canadian governments make a deal...Canada gets Detroit and $200 billion and the US gets Windsor and $30 million in Canadian debt. Both side call it a fair trade
• 4 In Mainz Fuhrer Braunschweiger Helmut III is spotted in a hotel room with Freda. The whole affair was captured on the hotel video spycam and was broadcast across Europe live! It attracted 40.7 million viewers. After learning of this privacy violation, Helmut III denied this affair and declared ...Im a virgin!...
• 4 Fredas popularity skyrockets...... millions of Freda Sleep and Slop dolls are demanded by consumers. Another faction, just as demanding, orders hundreds of thousands of Titilate Me Helmut III dolls
• 5 Become a STOCKBROKER call 800-615-4400 or get in a cemetery at 412-527-6732
• 5 Die Zeit spills the beans- Rabbi Emanuel Berkovitz, Shem, Nicodemus, Rodney King, Nebuchadnezzar, Shamartist Slobbish Doughboy and Nahum meet in the Negev Desert...... they will get to the bottom of this Freda thing
• 5 Messiah Nanak Varhamana Abdul-Alibaba II announces- dont believe all this shit you hear about metaphysical duality
• 5 Mad cows stomp all over England and magpies dump all over central/eastern europe
• 5 Michelle Kwan floors Tara Lipinski at the Regina Municipal Cow Barn Ice Rink. The fans boo and throw Freda and Helmut III dolls on to the ice. Michelle apologizes to Tara and, in retribution, Tara levels Michelle. The crowd roars in approval. A riot breaks out and the Royal Mounted Canadian Musical Ride Tour Honorary Cops are brought in to quell this insane developement. Both skaters are put in the stocks and forced to eat a dozen whole raw eggs each and then skate 4000 straight figure eights. Both young ladies barf all over and agree no more animosity
• 6 Internet Ignoramus Goons search long and hard for alien herbivorous animals but come up with nothing
• 6 Internet Retardates search long and hard for hamming codes and hamming windows and get so pissed off at the lack of feedback they smash up their garbage IBM and IBM compatible PCs
• 6 These select/elite geek-stooges bust the code and come up with the secret hambone/window....yckam004008.netvigator.com, cache1.is.co.za, pm1-13.harbornet.com, anx1p26.wi.centuryinter.net, ww-te01.proxy.aol.com, netgate.kubota.com.au, smithson.uwaterloo.ca, frankfurt3.pop.metronet.de, 207-113-239-156.lightspeed.net, 205.168.108.46, port55.hm.interlynx.net, + aviss.staffordshire.gov.uk
• 6 These ignorant human-wastes get caught up in the internet shitbucket and are flushed away with most of the other garbage that you read on the internet ...first.firstunion.com, brewery-spt.rosharon.wireline.slb.com, 206.204.59.141, da-248-218-253-amalthea.infinetgroup.com, osiris.safetyonline.net, ns.norrtalje.se, 19916516565.isoinc.com, proxy-155.iap.bryant.webtv.net , holmes.mmm.com, proxy.xtra.co.nz, 148.225.2.123, gatekeeper.volvo.se, and 1cust74.tnt5.redmond.wa.da.uu.net . By the way YOU are next!
• 6 Somehow....... bryant.webtv.net comes back up out of the vortex....covered in shit
• 7 Marshal Konstantin K. Rokossovsky tells Die Welt the German penetration must stop. In an exclusive Die Zeit interview Lt. General Shizuo Yokoyama proclaims....anywhere we go we will stone the Quakers
• 7 Human-waste drug addict Heroinballs consumes all the dope available at Lone Mountain Ranch and heads for the Queerboat Ranch for lots of ADHD ritalin, duboisia hopwoodii, opium, nembutal, chlordiazepoxide and speed
• 7 Dolly starts fighting with her clone. She calls her clone a chimeric hermaphrodite and her clone calls her a covert-lesbo gaygirl
• 7 Cyber stooges say...look at those big words-.....chimeric hermaphrodite . Lets search Yahoo for that!!!!!
• 7 The London Midnight-Post/Mirror reports that Dolly, the little fucking rebel that she is, is shacking up with a mad-bull from Grimsby.....Dolly says she likes that dirty stuff, especially since they can ridicule me
• 7 Ice Princess eats 17 big bananas in the waiting room at Dr. J.J. Undercyclothyme office. JJ has a good look at her and ascertains that she is suffering from a chromate OD. IP will be put in a hyperbaric chamber full of Freda DNA. That will straighten her ass out!
• 7 From the Negev Desert Rabbi Emanuel Berkovitz, Shem, Nicodemus, Rodney King, Nebuchadnezzar, Shamartist Slobbish Doughboy and Nahum report...... its a round robin for Freda with Berkovitz getting the first shot
• 8 The owners of the Queerboat Ranch throw Heroinballs drugged-up ass off the property as the glutton consumed every drug available on site. The Queerboats beat the shit out of the retardo, tied him up with duct tape and tossed his worthless ass in the San Benito River
• 8 The Canadians give Detroit back to the US......we dont want this monstrosCITY
• 8 Somehow, The Federated Unionized International Brotherhood of CaveBeings manages to get 500 tickets for the Frauline Fellatio Freda escapade at Hamburger Volksparkstadion. The caveanimals will hold a raffle for the tickets, with the 500 lucky gruntmen selected going all-expenses-paid to Hamburg. They will personally meet Freda and may even get to talk with Fuhrer Braunschweiger Helmut III (although the latter is a known ANTI-UNION man). Buckminster Gastointestinal Nightmare says...Oh Boy, I cant wait to meet my idol, the Fuhrer.....
• 8 NASA/Houston retracts its earlier announcement.... those so called herbivorous animals detected on Europa are not herbivorous at all....they are carnivorous.....The reporters ask how do you know this?? WHAT are these things eating?? The NASA spokesperson sweats bullets and convieniently passes out on the spot
• 8 At church, PLG prays that these persistent/weird nightmares she has been experiencing will cease. At last PLGs Prayers are answered
• 9 Shaman Mahavira-juni Lao-Tze Garu-Guru says he wants in on this Freda action that is sweeping through Europe....when is my turn?
• 9 In Osaka, Shinichiro Kaneko, Lt. General Shizuo Yokoyama and Judge Prepuse P. Foreskin declare....we will save Freda! They develope an aliance called the MALE Suffragette Stuff
• 9 Young virgin babes in New South Wales get pounded for the first time. After its all over, these former virgins wonder... is that all there is to this shit??? Pissed off and disgusted, the pseudo-harlots put bull-rings through their noses, spears through ears and start taking massive doses of testosterone and other artificial and natural steroids...the babes think- Wait till I get in kindergarden!
• 9 Get VACUUMED out at 800-286-8900 or get some baby girls from China at 412-853-6533
• 9 Al-Jumhuriya Bulletin: America is the modern-day Devil....death to the Devil. Down with the imperialist. Down with the capitalist. Down with your pants!
• 9 NASA, embarrased by developments at the press-conference yesterday proclaims- We are going to resolve this issue once and for all....we are going to send an old fogie/cronie to Europa. He cant see, walk, think, hear, move his bowels, etc. Hes the perfect candidate for such a risky journey (as a trip to Europa). He will be launched next week and will arrive at Europa in 2012, when he surely will be dead
• 10 The Berlin Stiffone exclusive.....Freda took down the town in the Gottlieb-Daimler-Stadion. 53,064 limped out of the park drained and exhausted. Fuhrer Braunschweiger was thoroughly pissed that he missed out on the action and has requested that Fredas KANT KEEP IT UP! (HB) BIG BEERBELLY Plaque be revoked and that Freda be sent to the Schwarzwald-Hochstrasse Trockenbeerenauslese Concentration Camp for years of HARD labor
• 10 Insurgent MALE Suffragette Stuffers pour into Stuttgart by the thousands vowing- youll have to go through us before you get anything from Freda!
• 10 A major civil war/standoff developes...The Stuffers hold Freda in protective custody at the Stuttgarter Liederhalle and the Helmut III secret police take over the Hohenpark Killesberg hoping to nab the slut/traitor
• 10 Getting word of all this trash over in Europe, Fat-hog Blubbery Baluga Shitpants calls a meeting of the The United Brotherhood of Proletariat Manual Workmen..... Baluga tells the half-wits we must save Frauline Fellatio! The boys go crazy, as they finish off the first 300 cases of Budweiser. Baluga has twenty 18 wheelers of Bud, Schlitz malt, and Coors delivered and the Proletariat nerds get even more sudzed up. After hitting a case or more each, the goons give all their cash to Baluga, who assures the alcoholic bums their money is going to support the protective custody of Freda. Shitpants leaves the union hall with over $250,000 in hand/pocket and makes a b-line for Belize and a nice long subsidized leisure vacation
• 10 The Male Suffragette Stuffers vow death to German Bundesbond Internet Weinersnitzel Foundation, Fuhrer Braunschweiger Helmut III, Rodney King and the manufacturers of the Freda Sleep and Slop dolls . These guys mean business!
• 11 Ice Princess says she is cured....no more foot long bananas! IP leaves the treatment center with Shaman Mahavira-juni Lao-Tze Garu-Guru who declares-- Ill take good care of you...trust me
• 11 Street vagrants/alcoholics that were looking for half full wine bottles on the banks of the San Benito River see a carcas floating by. One drunkard dives in and pulls the body to the banks. These embalmed bums realize that the body they have dragged out of the water is HEROINBALLS and they quicky toss his contaminated/polluted ass back in the river
• 11 A rumor is spread throughout Stuffgart that Freda slept with the Antwerp diamond cutters last night but the Stuffers deny this stating she was with us! Likewise, the Hohenpark Killesberg secret police claim that Freda worked out with them last night. Before its over, half the people on the planet are claiming they were active with Freda last night. Someone (or many) is/are lying! The only one that knows the truth is Freda (perhaps)
• 11 Sambo wakes up from a week long drunk-coma. Everyone is talking about Freda. Sambo Bottleneck says...who is Freda? Wasnt that Freda Pain that was the lead singer for Martha and the Vaudevillellas??? Sambo get another 6 gallon carboy of home made Tiger Rose out and slips back into unconsciousness
• 11 Vindictive Sheister WigheadedBitch confronts her big stinking waste husband Doughboy....did you ever have relations with that fuc*ing slut Frauline Fellatio Freda? Doughboy starts to sweat like a pig but quickly weasels his way out stating..... you know I havent had an erection in decades.... Bitchwoman floors the big buffoon and pours boiling hot carp bone soup all over his big ass
• 12 Guess what....PLG has another nightmare. In this episode, she dreams that she is apparently having a premonition of some sorts. Walking through a graveyard at midnight with her digital headset on, PLG falls into an open grave and cant get out. After scoping this pit out, she realizes its not a grave at all but rather a symbolic entrance to some kind of a dungeon. Our heroine proceeds through this dark, damp mess and eventually comes to a rotunda. Ironically, or perhaps by design, Funeral for a Friend is now playing digitally. Its lonely, dark and she feels chills inside of her bones. PLG observes a dimly lit monument in these dank surroundings and she cautiously approaches. Castanets pound through PLGs brain. The gray monument is unmarked but PLG realizes who its for and what it represents. Somehow, she feels as if she is in another world or dimension! She drops giant tears on the monument as she cuts off the music...... Im finally rid of that mother fucker! PLG turns and walks away and climbs up out of this dreary dump. As she ascends, she is startled by the digital alarm clock blasting her eardrums......confused and mentally wrecked, she gathers her bearings..... damn...it was only a nightmare!. If only dreams were objective reality!
• 12 Chieftain Hakio Hardturd declares....I have more feathers in my headdress than anyone else! Schottenheimer takes another feather out of his headdress
• 12 At the Boozearena Stiffneck Wino Sambo Rambo tells his drunkard buddy Hakio he feels hes a worthless wretch who as accomplished nothing in his life-- his world is nothing but a circumscription of unending bottles of wine, whiskey, beer, rum, sterno, absolute alcohol, etc. Sambo cries tears the size of shot glasses. Hardturd, stewed more than normal, thinks Sambo Wino has accused him of being uncircumcised and blasts the aqualung. The Boozearena turns into caous and all the bums are arrested
• 12 The Washington Ramrod reports BillyBoy has gone up and down with that 16 year old yo-yo Alice. The Ramrod states-- Youve got to love someone
• 12 JPL stuns the world revealing digital pulse signals have been received from the Oort Cloud.....an angelic choir singing about hermaphrodites conjugating with cracked up jailbird Bam in Texas
• 12 Vince announces this weekends agenda.... Stonecold Steve will give Tyson the finger and then give him an enema before half a billion viewers worldwide
• 13 The JPL heads out do themselves..... The cartoon balloons are already on Mars.....Levon and Jesus did that fucking shit back in the 70s. The damn things blew from Venus to Mars and only yesterday the orbiter picked it up
• 13 Hardturd is bailed out of jail by an unnamed party. He heads straight for the Sharpsburg Hunky Club and a royal pasting. At the dump-club he meets up with long-lost buddy Reginald Truscott-Jones and for the next 12 hours they ramble on about many different things, as they consume unimaginable quanties of liquor/wine/beer. While still sane, the boys discuss diverse and meaningful subjects such as: Austin will toggle Tysons mux, Freda heading south from Stuttgart, that lucky stiff Bam, Morse codes and ham windows, Hasek and Barak, cheap moonshine coming out of Myanmar, no-good teenage dope-head punks, maggots eating Sagan, the Minnesota White Bears/Blue Ox/Freeze/Northern Lights/Wild/Voyageurs, Buckminster Shitfest the fag, those bastards Berkovitz, Shem, Nicodemus, Rodney King, and Nebuchadnezzar. Later, their brains submurged in the booze, the boys get a little more off base....Nikita K is the Pope-his shoe is the giveaway, the Dodecahedron bird is extinct, the CIA set up Monica and Reno is a traitor, those run-a-way British pigs were disguised mad-cows, on and on.
• 13 For you lottery bozos......New York 013, Wisconsin 666, Bundesbust Ball-o-buster 921, Texas Tilt-a-rama 00000000, Korean Cabbage Loan 1-2-4-5-0, Colorado 093, Calif. Scam-U 915, Ohio 222, Florida GeiserFest 95.5 and the Amsterdam Wam-bam-thank-you-Maam 8-in-4
• 13 Jimmy Olsen and Perry White investigate allegations of White House shenanigans. An unnamed party bails Sambo Stiffneck Rambo out of jail and Sambo heads straight for the Sharpsburg Hunky Club
• 13 Bob Dylan, Booker T., Boy George and Buckweat Zydaco form a new rock-alternative group- the Circadian Rhythms....they are an immediate and absolute flop....not one single CD is sold
• 14 The Buenos Aires beef-freaks develope ring-worm. Long white curly worms start crawling out of these human frankfurters
• 14 A gang of Quebec Double Dribblers sends the Toronto Daily Dumpster hate-email warning.....we will murder Mormons, bait the Jews, stone the Quakers, hunt the Albigenses and Waldenses and wipe out the Eqyptian two-timers. The Dumpster turns this over to the Canadian Secret Police and the heros save the day
• 14 A new craze sweeps California.... Schwarzwald-Hochstrasse Trockenbeerenauslese Concentration Camp musical Freda swim-suits
• 14 An unsubstantiated report comes out of New York City-- Carnivorous beasts (other than those normally present) are coming up out of the NYC sewers....some think they might be aliens???????
• 14 Hey Y O U ....Yeah- YOU! Take care of that sexual dysfunction here...888-508-8155
• 15 Shaman Mahavira-juni Lao-Tze Garu-Guru, Swami Arjuna Dhritarashtra IV, Shaman Voo-doo E. Ignoramus and Messiah Nanak Varhamana Abdul-Alibaba II proclaim western culture is bad for you! Look to the east and watch the sun set
• 15 Heroinballs wakes up on the side of the river near a bed of wild potent weed. HB starts a big fire and gets high
• 15 Porcupine Pman turns on his Commodore 16K w/ 300 bps modem... Pman says he will move expediently into the twenty first century
• 15 Somehow, and no one knows how.... Frauline Fellatio Freda escaped Stuttgart and is found in the White House
• 15 Betty Davis talks from her grave and lays the blame on you! What the FUCK is wrong with you, anyway!?
• 15 At an Islanders game Baluga H Cornhole storms on to the ice and holds the arena hostage. Cornhole says he wants to have a relationship with Freda, right there in public, or he will spread poisonous methane gas throughout the arena. 15,000 are helpless
• 16 ITS PRESIDENTS DAY ......mourn all you wish. On RAW, Stone Cold fingers Tyson as Bruno Shamartino drops a load of kielbassi waste on Tysons new suit
• 16 Wall Street bombs after markets crash in London and Paris after stocks hit rock bottom in Singapore and Tokyo
• 16 Super-shamartist Doughboy breaks down: I killed JonBenet.. I am a transvestite and a fag, I hate unions, I lived in West Hackensack, my real name is ConstipationAnalretentiveUncircumcisionPigeaterShitface, I am better than you or anyone else, I am the messiah, I hate everyone, you are a no-good bastard, etc. etc. The white coats take this mixed up convoluted/pursecuted mental abortion to the insane asylum for permanent lockup
• 16 Die BundesLiga holds a special championship fest with the goal of getting Freda back on home soil. In the first round Arminia Bielefeld rams Borussia Dortmund and in phase two Schalke 04 engulfs L FC Koln. Brodrick Crawford assures Fuhrer Braunschweiger Helmut III that he will get Freda out of DC and put her back where she belongs... in the Schwarzwald-Hochstrasse Trockenbeerenauslese Concentration Camp
• 16 Pre-kindergarden babys in New South Wales hold a Bull-ring nose/Spear-ear protest in Wollongong. The babys declare- We are tired of this discrimination and we want it all now. The babys are sent to solitary confinement in the New Zealand sheep pens south of Timaru where they will be interbred with the sheep
• 17 The AFT/NEA announces 30+ out has been changed to 60+ in. Shitpants Gruesome One says... I am coming home
• 17 Sambo gets fired (again) for being drunk on the job (again). Stiffneck takes all his retirement savings and goes to the liquor store to get whats important. At the store, boozehead Sambo bumps into Ice Princess and she tells him shed like to toggle his mux . Sambo, in a psychotic/schizo quagmire, thinks Ice Princess has threatened to kill him so he quickly pulls out his .45 and unloads it into IPs carcas. IP is rushed to the ER and Sambo Cirrhosis is sent to prison (again)
• 17 Birdwatchers in Eastern Europe report those pesky shitting magpies are headed for Bulgaria and Turkey. A trail of shit over 2,000 miles long runs through France, Germany, Poland, Austria, Italy, Slovak Rep., Croatia, Bosnia and Hungary
• 17 In his jail cell, Sambo is sobering up....hes seeing pink elephants, aliens, miniature B.F. Skinners walking all over him, hearing voices of Churchill, Pope Alexander and Judge Prepuse P. Foreskin (the latter stating..LIFE IN PRISON ), having sensations of quarks and icosidodecahedrons popping in his brain, etc. SambojitterMo figures hes going into withdrawl and tells the goon jail guard as much. The guard gets him a gallon of Richards Wild Irish Rose which Sambo slops down in 2 minutes before he goes into a diabetic/insulin coma
• 17 The following sites have been shut-down for showing digital movies of Freda doing it fully clothed: ts005d02.tul-ok.concentric.net, hd9-081.hil.compuserve.com, ww-th01.proxy.aol.com, s0.pmaster3.nsis.com, ptp97.sunet.net, stbg054.sunlink.net, bix.thehub.com.au, rs42ws170.internal.pcshs.com , ww-tb04.proxy.aol.com, + ppp192.kbh.tele.dk
• 18 Dr. Schizobergerwicz rushes to the prison when he learns boozeboy Sambo is near death. Schizo takes Rubbernecks BP....its 762/411. Schizo says...this cant be! Schizo does a few tests on the human distillery and ascertains that Sambo is full of clostridium perfringens, escherichia coli, ATP, and neisseria gonorrhoeae. Schizo flushes the goon out with 5 liters of sauerkraut juice. After Sambo regains consciousness he tells the doc......man, I was on Noahs Ark.....a monumental flood of oceans of booze had covered the Earth.....man, I was in heaven!
• 18 The Detroit Hard Dildo reports: Carnivorous beasts are roaming throughout Michigan and are headed up into Canada . No one knows why they may be going there??
• 18 30,000 temples crumble to the ground in Thailand......Sonny Bono sings I AINT GOT YOU, BABE
• 18 Read of the birth of the The Federated Unionized International Brotherhood of CaveBeings and the merger of The Unionized Central Brothers of the American National Union Society ANUS
• 18 Want some tacos?... fax 615-872-4554. The NFL says $4 billion is not enough.... make it $10 billion or the deal is off
• 19 The boys of the Queerboat Ranch form a lynch mob. Their mandate is to destroy Heroinballs for consuming all of their dope
• 19 The Baluga H Cornhole/Islander hostage standoff continues into its 4th day. The Governor declares- we are helpless....
• 19 Ice Princess pays a visit to Kaczynski at jail. IP tells him she likes the romantic adventerous type and wants to toggle his mux right there. The madman gives her a pipe bomb for self-administration
• 19 Police chase a gang of rebel-Mormons down 89 to 13th South but the hoodlums escape into Emigration Canyon
• 19 Goons at bryant.webtv.net wonder--- what will this nerd come up with next as they smoke bales of hash and foam at the mouth
• 19 Bam busts out of jail. The Texas Highway Patrol is put on LEVEL ONE ALERT
• 20 Farouk gives Yesman a real earbanging and Yesman crys in his office and refuses to answer the phone
• 20 Buckminster Kak Paskahousu Brownpants announces.....look at me, Im educated, Ugh! Farouk verbally lambastes the big shit machine and the Kak uneducated glutton sits at his computer sulking the rest of the day
• 20 Field-Marshal Rommel and General Turigidson sneak up behind Mr. Cornhole and shoot him with their stun guns... helpless and immobile, the two heros beat up the big sludge bucket. The 15,000 hostages applaud this ass beating chanting...more-more-more
• 20 The NASA and JPL dudes state: Chicxulub impact never happened! There are no Carnivorous beasts here, or, in Canada, for that matter. Bam is spotted lurking outside of the Houston NASA headquarters
• 20 The capital press says Freda is going down but the Washington Hard-on reports hes driving Miss Daisy
• 21 Dade County sinks as it cant support all that extra weight.... Schottenheimer declares we all must go down sometime...
• 21 In the NY Times Shaman Mahavira-juni Lao-Tze Garu-Guru pontificates...Dade County went down as a result of natural dharmastikaya. Suarez refutes this- what a bunch of bullshit. From the insane-asylum , Doughboy Slob spills his 2 cents worth: I will save Dade County...I know general accounting principles and penny-pinching practices!
• 21 Queerboat Ranch Boys recruit the Radio Ranch and Pork-Loin Ranch members to assist in their hunting down of the enemy Heroinballs
• 21 Bam convinces the Director of Information Systems at NASA to convert all the digital/magnetic tapes to analog/hash data streams so that the west coast dopeheads can access it through their antiquated black and white 9 inch Zenith tvs
• 21 Even though the stock markets are closed Zenith stock climbs from $.91 to $78.60. The Hong Kong fat cats declare...we own that shit! Bam and the NASA/IS gang get blowed out of their gords....wow- what power we have over these ignoramus peeons
• 22 Sleezebucket brainless AOL nerds, lacking a shread of creativity in their worthless carcasses, copy and plagiarize material from the world famous calendars
• 22 The ugly gastrointestinal nightmare Human-gorilla Stinkfest developes a toothache after eating 42 Big Macs, 30 orders of large fries, 16 stawberry and 11 chocolate milkshakes. The beast walks down Wiltshire Blvd as gallons of e.coli sludge pour out of his massive farmer bib-jeans. People duck and dodge this monstrosity at all costs. He doesnt realize the HAZMAT forces are all around attempting to clean up his secretions since his tooth is hurting him so bad. The behemoth shitfest enters an Ames and steals a pair of vice-grips and proceeds to pull several molars out right there in the store. In the meantime the store is evacuated from the putrid sludge odors of this gruesome beast. . The gruesome bastard finally realizes he has to shit and just lets loose, flooding the entire hardware dept. Eventually, the County Sheriffs office, armed with oxygen masks, apprehends this human catastrophe and he is sent to jail to join BigPig Doughboy
• 22 A big porkfest is held in Tamworth, Great Britian.... the pork is augmented with mad cow meatballs
• 22 RamboMachomanSambo tells his psychiatrist hes been AWOL since 1969. The psychiatrist tells SamboMentalQuagmire hes been AWOL since 1955
• 22 The Beer Hall Putschers act up in Bushmanland and a riot is reported in Port Nolloth. Secret Police are sent over from Durban, in covered wagons. The SP will stop this trash, when they arrive, by about March 15th
• 23 With hindsight, PLG realizes she is nuts and all these nightmares are for real
• 23 The Durban Yellow Yam reports the angel Gabriel was seen with Frauline Fellatio Freda at the Coalminers Ciskei 89th Holiday Inn. The 2 have been having plenty of fun chipping anthracite coal into arrowheads. Later their hotel interaction was videotaped by the spycam and was broadcast across Europe. The BBC said it was their most watched progam ever
• 23 Mr. Heroinballs, paranoid and fearing for his life, catches a MongrelJet Express flight to Boston.....on the plane and full of mescaline and opium, HB thinks.... those fucking queerboats arent going to get me
• 23 A JPL bulletin: The Deep Space Network telescope has picked up a message from aliens on Lalande 21185: We pounded those young virgin babes in New South Wales
• 23 Hakio Hardturd promises he will develop a home page...it will be original and one of a kind, listing such items as: my favorite music (with links), my school and teachers, my top ten breakfast cereal picks, pictures of me, links to my friends home pages, links to search engines, etc. Hardturd said the reason he has finally decided to act on this is that one of his booze buddies at the Drink-n-Drop Inn accused him of being an ignorant-computer illiterate who couldnt tell the difference between an enema and email. Hardturd showed that goon who was boss by putting 67 stiches in his head/face. After the bar room brawl HH called his good boozebuddy Sambo Twinkletoes and asked him....whats email, anyway?
• 23 The Queerboats take a tugboat cruise along the Mystic River but cant find Heroinballs who was scoring a big hash/wet dank transaction near the Toll bridge. Heroinballs was heard to say....Ill outfox those fags again
• 24 Frauline Fellatio Freda announces a tour of the big beerbelly/bookweeten-praetorium district including special free for alls at Schleswig, Oldenburg, Travemunde and Lubeck.....the beerbellies cant wait and are already full of Beck Beer
• 24 Hardened criminals BigPicture Pencil-necked geek Sambo/Rambo and Fatboy Sheister Doughboy break out of prison and the FBI and US Marshals are brought in to track down these rotten peaches
• 24 These ISP ports are known Queerboat sympathizers: 207.240.124.16, news.ti.com , 134.orlando-04.fl.dial-access.att.net , ip-vanc12-02.teleport.com, fl5i227.mlb58.ilstu.edu, dial234.roadrunner.com , ww-th05.proxy.aol.com, dial81.klink.net, iswino1-113.rconnect.com, ts1-14.wsr.cyberhighway.net, and dialup234.kersur.net
• 24 Kim Mo Bong, Bo Kim Hole, and Ho Joe Doink all claim to have given it to Freda but they all deny knowing each other
• 24 Summerall, Madden, Engberg, McGuire, Simms, Albert and Modell quit NBC, FOX and the NFL and sign on with the Bundesbond Free-flow Fredacam Network so as to broadcast the real action
• 25 Sambo, hidden out in a sleezy south Texas bar hits bottle after bottle of imported Chingata Cerveza while he figures out how he can get out of this mess....eventually he passes out and is kicked out in the alleyway
• 25 Slob Doughboy, hidding out in a Antwerp bagel shop, eats dozens of blueberry, raisin, pork flavored, spicy, and cheddar cheese bagels as he attempts to figure out how he can sell his chicken coop
• 25 Eleanor talks from her grave and lays the blame on you! What is your damn problem, anyway?
• 25 Canadian herbivorous animals have a civil war with illegal carniverous immigrants...the northland is stunned and scared
• 25 Yesman finally stops crying and feeling sorry for himself and decides hes going to get even with Farouk
• 26 The Charleston Sad-eyed Cancer-sisters declare...those Queerboats are good old boys....they like our tobacco products
• 26 In Calgary, the Quebec Double Dribblers purge their enemies. In the Holy Land Nicodemus declares: Doughboy has been martyred, again
• 26 Porcupine Pman searches Infoseek for forbidden oral action and comes to www.esophagus.com. Pman goes berserk as he views Freda in action but his computer screen freezes up and others are walking into the office just at that moment. Pman sweats bullets as big as golf balls. He goes catatonic, as if hes had a stroke. He knows he done...cooked....caught!
• 26 At the Boozearena the The United Brotherhood of Proletariat Manual Workmen get demolished....where is Heroinballs? Where is that no-good SOB Rambo/Sambo? Where is Ice Princess? Where is that sheister/shamartist Doughboy? Where is Hardturd? Where is Buckminster Behemoth Shitpants Caveman? Where is Marv Levy? Where is OJ?
• 26 Regan supports the Radio Ranch gang in their assistance of the Queerboats manhunt for Heroinballs
• 27 World currencies drop like Ice Princess panties when shes hot...the mark .07, brazil real .001/2, HK$ .90, paseta .0000
• 27 Merle Oberon calls out from her grave......you are a wretch, sinner and goon....you shall rot in hell!
• 27 Le Monde reports Heroinballs was seen in Chartres driving a super-tanker full of LSD
• 27 Hearing of the Le Monde report the Queerboat Ranch dudes catch a tug-boat across the Atlantic and will arrive in France by June
• 27 People in New Zealand start wondering....what the hell are we hear for, anyway?
• 28 Whew...Im glad this damn thing is nearly done! Call Belize for free....800-522-4575
• 28 Retardates read Cassandran Prophecies of Disaster and think UGH, ugh-ugh, UGH, ughh-Ugh
• 28 Dave sends the Lostboys a radio message......come back, please....come back
• 28 Mr. Ruffneck Sambo decides he likes it down in the southland and sets up shop in Encino TX....hes got all he needs...plenty of 1) booze, 2) guns, 3) golf courses and bars to hop around to
  
  

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  • Dan Sroka's Berserk Briefs

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    Copyright © Dan Sroka, 1/25/98, 3/08

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