America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network/content provider
Dan Sroka's Humor Network banner

Dan Sroka January 1998 Calendar

1 As a protest of the Popes upcoming visit to Cuba Shaman Mahavira-juni Lao-Tze Garu-Guru announces that all of his followers must convert to atheism
1 In an open letter to the Pope Cambio 16 warns....dont go to Cuba.....Fidel will force you to smoke footlong wet dank cigars!
1 A bitterly cold breeze blows down Carnaby Street making Ally McBeals miniskirt 3 inches shorter...punk boys eyes pop out
1 The H5N1 virus spreads into Guangdong. Hong Kong medical authorities have changed the name of the influenza to the Feathers McGraw epidemic . Thousands die, today alone
1 Internet goons at Bryant + Lytton turn their digital tvs on only to find re-runs of Calendarios Famosos del Mundo
1 Hungover pencil-necked geek Sambo Rambo wakes up at 8 pm with a pounding head and empty wine bottles everywhere. Sambo takes his blood pressure..... its 190/100. Sambo hits the bottle
2 Buckminster Behemoth Gastrointestinal-nightmare lets out a silent cloud that wrecks havoc with east coast weather patterns
2 At a press conference at Red Lobster, Palo Alto, Swami Arjuna Dhritarashtra IV warns....dont smoke any cuban cigars
2 In a Seoul southside slum Kim Mo Bong, Bo Kim Hole and Ho Joe Doink have a three way unprotected interaction
2 Also, on the north end of Seoul, protesting the Popes visit to Cuba, Shinichiro Kaneko cuts his intestines out with a chain saw
2 In an exclusive story the London Midnight-Post/Mirror prints a confession.....Lucas Watzelrode admits he shot JonBenet with a stun-gun. Scotland Yard boys apprehended the killer in the Bristol Red Lobster
2 In a frigid wind, Ally walks down Saville Row in a Betty Boop miniskirt.....old geiser bums feel an unusual sensation
3 Rabbi Emanuel Berkovitz sends the Pope email. Castro has some bad tobacco down there...dont risk it
3 In jail Lucas Watzelrode admits he killed Jonny Gammage and he cut off Nicoles and Rons head as well
3 Voyenno-Istoricheskii Zhurnal warns the western world....those cigar mongers are satan in disguise
3 Dr. Kim Jim Bo informs Kim Mo Bong, Bo Kim Hole and Ho Joe Doink they have a fatal VD....doink hole bong
3 Punks at Bryant + Lytton start a new craze--doink hole bonging...it spreads through California faster than H5N1 spreads through China
3 Slobbish Sheister Doughboy announces he is starting a new religion in rebellion of the Popes visit to the cigar world. The big-pig further elaborates he will hold a special press conference from London announcing the details
4 Digital cyber doink hole bong cookies are detected at the following ports....orinoco.cableinet.net, du-328.clara.net, dialin1378.toronto.globalserve.net, ics2f.f.srv.t-online.de, 85.middletown-06.va.dial-access.att.net, genova.kolumbus.fi, 1cust163.tnt1.tampa.fl.gt.uu.net , 158.36.81.186, dial173.cyberlink.bc.ca, 160.129.163.81, proxy.xtra.co.nz + 41.chicago-06.il.dial-access.att.net. These ports have been purged with an analog probe
4 Sambo drunkard and his booze-buddy Hakio Hardturd go to church in a mutual stupor. Hardturd lights up a footlong cuban cigar in the church and is immediately tossed out
4 Palo Alto cyber-goons search long and hard for doink hole bong but come up with no results
4 In the Moscow subway Marshal Konstantin K. Rokossovsky warns the German Bundesbond Internet Weinersnitzel Foundation is behind the Popes visit to Cuba....dont be misled
4 Heroinballs is rushed to the ICU. Interns say he has had an overdose of thiopental + bhang. The boys say his sympathetic nervous system is dead! He is urinating constanly and his pupils are dilated. The prognosis is very bleak. Drunkards Hardturd and Stiffneck Sambo are summoned to the ICU
5 On NBC Koop warns the public.... doink hole bong is contained to California only. Even so, always use protection when bonging. The news is not so optomistic for H5N1 however as it has spread throughout China and is now into Korea and Japan
5 House #141 in Dizdarusa Bosnia burns to the ground. The boys got out safely however. Their eyes were glued to the tv set for an Ally McBeal rerun
5 In London big Behomoth Doughboy holds a press conference in frigid Hyde Park. The slob announces an alliance with his new associate Sakyamuni Tathagata . As a result of the Popes excursion to Cuba, the two wise men are announcing the formation of a new religion..... The Lubavitcher-Byzantine Brethren Emunoh Chrystotom Pagan-Parish . All faithful followers of the ugly sham-artist Doughboy and those of Tathagata are charter parish members. Those few in attendance at the park boo the dynamic duo and leave when they see Ally McBeal walking down the street in a miniskirt
5 An epidemic of doink hole bong is reported at Lower Parsippany Hills high school..... the finger pointing starts
5 Computer nerds at Bryant + Lytton make a proposal to convert world famous internet calendars into brail. The concept is nixed and the nerds head to the San Bernardino County supermall for a lecture on how to remove digital cyber doink hole bong cookies from your backup cache
5 From a Bamberg bordello Fuhrer Braunschweiger Helmut III holds a press conference to denounce the accusations of Marshal Konstantin K. Rokossovsky about the German Bundesbond Internet Weinersnitzel Foundation. The Fuhrer calls the Marshal a lier/slouch and a degenerate suffering from grandiose psychotogenic persecution complexes. He further elaborates that Rokossovsky was a good buddy of Henri Paul. After catching his breath Braunschweiger Helmut III stated that the real conspirator in the Popes Cuban fiasco is the Lubavitcher-Byzantine Brethren Emunoh Chrystotom Pagan-Parish! The Fuhrer accepts no questions from the media post conference but the reporters heard a lot of screaming and moaning soon after the bordello door was locked
6 FBI cyber agents arrest the owners of this IP for addiction to internet calendars: proxy-199.iap.bryant.webtv.net
6 The nation and the world are startled..... the doink hole bong phenomenon has gone haywire throughout America and the Feathers McGraw epidemic is now spread throughout the Pacific Rim! Officials are worried that H5N1 will next spread into Canada but are confident there is no danger that doink hole bonging will move northward
6 Messiah Nanak Varhamana Abdul-Alibaba II denounces the Lubavitcher-Byzantine Brethren Emunoh Chrystotom Pagan-Parish. We must purge the Earth of these devils!
6 At a special meeting at the Tower of Babel Teiresias, Alena Ivanovna , Queen Vashti, King Xerxes, Shem + Rodion Malinovsky hire Paul Drake to investigate the big sheister Doughboy and his cronie Sakyamuni Tathagata. All communications between cigarette factory Drake and the Tower of Babel gang will be transmitted in the secret Belugaonics dialect to prevent interception
6 Fellows in the ICU state that Heroinballs is well enough to smoke a foot long wet dank cigar from Cuba
6 The Singapore Electronic Analog Timebomb reports that the entire Asian world is devistated....everyone is dying
7 Police in Lipetsk report Marshal Konstantin K. Rokossovsky has been shot through the brain. The cops apprehended Countess Caterina Sforza and charged her with attempted murder. The Countess told the cops she was suffering from a bad case of doink hole bonging. Dr. J.J. Undercyclothyme stated that Rokossovsky was doing well in his hospital bed, enjoying his Sing and Snore Ernie and Tickle Me Elmo
7 As a last ditch desperate attempt for salvation Bo Kim Hole, Ho Joe Doink and Kim Mo Bong join the Lubavitcher-Byzantine Brethren Emunoh Chrystotom Pagan-Parish
7 JPL reports the Alpha Proton X-ray spectrometer on the Lunar Prospector has failed but the smashing young men in Mt. View, CA say they will fix everything, even though theyre on a shoe-string budget
7 The hottest items out of bizarro California are bras made of cuban tobacco. The silky smooth BROWN Wonderbra leads all sales but the Lily of Cuba Nicotine Pointer is gaining fast....Girls are killing for the latter
7 JPL announces that the Pioneer 10, now over six billion miles from Earth and deep in the heart of the Kuipper Belt is reporting an interlude with an alien. The Pioneer 10 boasted of its digital interaction...... she took me to places I aint never been before! and Im going back for round two tonight.......
7 The Unionized Central Brothers of the American National Union Society (ANUS) proclaim--No Pope In Cuba!
8 Bonging gets out of hand....major pockets of caous are reported in Texas, Arizona and Ohio.....many states take immediate action to outlaw doink hole bonging. Some say that the problem is only exasperated by these sleezy cuban tobacco bras
8 These locations are banned from all activity related to Ally McBeal ppp217.echelon.ca, marlerm.byuh.edu, agp21.christs.cam.ac.uk, pm2-5-28.cyberspc.mb.ca, spg-tnt7s184.erols.com, 208.147.191.75, c193.ryd.student.liu.se, cache1.cache.iol.ie, isufw2.tafensw.edu.au, isufw2.tafensw.edu.au, pc-25654.on.rogers.wave.ca + smt-as2s62.erols.com
8 Thirteen of the 16 German states pass regulations relative to traffic of cuban tobacco bras. In those 13, only cathouse employees may wear original Cuban creations. Heinrich Himmler and Field-Marshal Kitchener were both seen coming out of the south side Red Door Lounge of Heilbronn smelling very heavily of Cuban tobacco
8 At a union meeting rebel rouser Baluga H Cornhole stirs up the The Federated Unionized International Brotherhood of CaveBeings.....Its your right to bong if you so choose--Free Cuban tobacco (direct from Fidel himself) for all. The boys go nuts and threaten to kill Sakyamuni Tathagata and Swami Arjuna Dhritarashtra IV
8 Ice Princess sneaks over to Macys and buys a Lily of Cuba Nicotine Pointer and an Olga Goldenbrown Stalkletta
8 The ICU Interns discharge Heroinballs but Dr. Schizobergerwicz warns him...no more than 50 hits of Librium daily
9 Get rid of your fat ...call 800-729-8446 or call 800-892-7327 for some oxygen
9 Rhythm guitarist Roland plays enticingly so that young girls shout HE WANTS MORE and hash head boys cry SHE WANTS MORE
9 The Boston Herald states that the Feathers McGraw epidemic H5N1 virus has killed 31 million across the globe and has now spread into Canada. The whole nation has been quarantined
9 The Social Democrats ban the Lubavitcher-Byzantine Brethren Emunoh Chrystotom Pagan-Parish. Alvar Nunez Cabeza de Vaca and Field-Marshal Rommel register strong disapproval.... they keep the hos subordinate!
9 Sambo Jambo Rambo wakes up after a long stupor in the gutter----where am I, who am I, who are you???????
9 Cowher tells the boys...its ass kicking time...... Mariucci lectures we are better than all the rest.....Dungy says- on to San Diego
10 The Toronto Daily Dumpster headline: EVERYONE IN CANADA IS DEAD!
10 Internet goons at proxy-109.iap.bryant.webtv.net watch the Pope walk on precious Cuban soil. They manipulate the digital cyber screen pulling off Fidels beard and placing it on the Popes shiner.....babes go crazy tossing their high heels into the TV cobWEBs...electrical fires result across the United States
10 NASA/Houston states we cant hold it in any longer----- Pioneer 10 is shacking up with Venera IV and the soup of life has spread all over the Kuipper Belt. Sagan was right- we are STARSTUFF
10 SamboHamboRamboLiquidLunch tells his psychiatrist that his carboys of wine have turned into water and he doesnt understand
10 More stymied than ever- Dave and the Lost Boys have a real blowout...will it be San Fran or the Palo Alto toilet plungers, again?
10 Porcupine Pman turns his snoot on and smells Cuban tobacco in the direction Ice Princess. The man goes nuts and rushes to her abode. Hes quite upset to hear IP and someone else collectively moaning and groaning...he wants more--she wants more
11 Shamartist Pig Doughboy declares himself the official Messiah and leader of the new spiritual cyber world, Ultra-Pope of the The Lubavitcher-Byzantine Brethren Emunoh Chrystotom Pagan-Parish and importer of a special home grown variety of Carolina artificial Cuban toby tobacco .
11 The AFC championship is a bore as the Indy Colts sleepwalk over the Cleveland Rams 3-0 but the NFC has a different show...The 49ers circumcise the Canton Bulldogs 55 to 12. The Lost Boys and Dave stole all the toilet plungers for future use
11 The Russian Voyenno-Istoricheskii Zhurnal proclaims young babes in Siberia are questioning about cyber doink hole bong Sleep and Snore Ernies having strange interactions with their battery-less Tickle Me Elmos.....what happened, MaMa?
11 At a special ceremony in Havana the Pope accidentally spills hot chocolate all over Fidels beard. This wiry mess becomes tangled more than it usally might be. The Pope asks about Rogain. An aid suggest this bobwire crown as a symbolic halo. Castro agrees and gives up the mite nest to the Pope who quickly becomes the white hunky John Shaftems. The Pope and Castro take a long walk along the beach and his highness asks what do you think about Lower Parsippany Hills high school? Well...as you might imagine- this story goes on for hours and hours......tune in at another time in another universe/dimension for the followup
11 An earthquake of unimaginable severity wrecks the SF bay area......the entire middle portion of Calif. is gone...Dave says thank God we got those plungers
11 Hardturd goes to church alone and prays for help.......maybe he CAN be unclogged????
12 SJMFers learn of all this shit about Porkums Doughboy, Lucas Watzelrode, Castro and the Popes shenanigans and the Internet goons at Bryant + Lytton and vow to get on the case.....particularly UglyBlackHairedBitchWigwoman tells the asses....I will circumsise him again...only John Bobbit style this time
12 Ally walks over Bridge St.- that mini cant blow any higher. Ally realizes she is a hot item in old fashioned London town
12 The Stooge Lumox Belugas send Kak Paskahousu Brownpants/Shitpants to Seoul on a food hunting expedition. The boys have heard through the grapevine you can get a lot of cheap gas producing grub over in Korea so mister Shitpants is the logical choise for the trip. Big boy wanders into a south side slophouse and eats 4 big bowls of something called kim chee . It was cheap, too. On the metro bus back to his hotel Kak erupts a gas bomb that blows out half a city block and kills 17
12 Dying in Seoul, Kim Mo Bong and Bo Kim Hole are married in the first marriage conducted by the the Lubavitcher-Byzantine Brethren Emunoh Chrystotom Pagan-Parish. Bong told Hole --we got nothing to lose--. Bong will become Bong-Hole and Hole will become Hole-Bong. Ho Joe Doink was jilted in the entire affair
12 A massive gas fire burns the Seoul South Side Holiday Inn to the ground. Cops believe the fire began in the room Kak Shitpants was residing in. Mr. Brownpants escaped uninjured and was seen walking back toward the slophouse
13 From 6 billion miles out in space the boys at the Ames Research Center announce some tragic news. It has been learned that in attempting to insert its digital gain antenna probe into an old fashioned analog apeture a violent explosion occured between Pioneer 10 and Venera IV and both are gone. They are now happily existing in another dimension/universe
13 Bundesbabes learn that the American girls are going tobacco/bra crazy and write their state legislators.....give it to us now!
13 PBS produces a documentary of the last days of the Pioneer 10/Venera IV cataclismic interaction to be titled: The Big Bang Reverse Polarity Six Billion Mile Cosmofest which will be aired next fall
13 Ugly Brownpants/Shitpants is rushed to the Kim Moo Oou Hospital emergency room as he cant stop shitting. Dr. Kim Bo Hoo reports the big shit machine is full of e.coli 0157: H7 bacteria....Bo Hoo prescribes plenty of liquids and sauer-kraut juice and puts the smelly KAK in a quarantined/isolated holding pen
13 Die Welt reports that Rabbi Emanuel Berkovitz was seen exiting from the rear of the Bad Salzuflen Brothel. Two hours later he was seen at the red light district in Lemgo and three hours after that he was caught coming out of the BundesBordelloExtrordinair at Detmold. He had cigar tobacco all over his body
14 Stockmarkets from Toronto to Melbourne go nuts......the demands on the textile industries and the cuban tobacco growers and their imitators are endless. Sales of Carolina Express Tobacco flavored Hot Dogs skyrocket. Pman thinks...man, I should start smoking again
14 Narcoleptic Roughneck Rambo Sambo gets on the bandwagon....get me 2,000 shares of RJR now!
14 In NYC, Shaman Voo-Doo E. Ignoramus declares Ultra-Pope Slob Sheister Doughboy is nothing but a sharlitan. He incites a gang of street thugs/dope heads to vow death to the slob now
14 Paul (tobacco king) Drake wraps up his extensive in-depth investigation of the Shamartist/Slob and reports back to the Tower of Babel gang. In the secret Belugaonics language, and between heavy drags on cigarettes, Drake tells the Babelers what they want to hear. The self declared ultra-Pope of the Lubavitcher-Byzantine Brethren Emunoh Chrystotom Pagan-Parish is not only a swastika bearing member of the Beer Hall Putsch gang but he is a gay boy who has molested hundreds of young boys where ever he has been......furthermore, hes a tobacco addict! Teiresias, Alena Ivanovna, Queen Vashti, King Xerxes, Shem + Rodion Malinovsky are shocked at Drakes revelations and pay him off with a truckload of Carolina wet dank tobacco
14 Buckminster Brownpants/Shitpants finally stops shitting so Dr. Kim Bo Hoo ships his big ass to the airport. His big ugly carcas is placed on a HoBo Cargo B1 biplane and sent back to America. He was, for all practical purposes, deported
15 The FBI reports the following have joined the Lubavitcher-Byzantine Brethren Emunoh Chrystotom Pagan-Parish - pm11ppp87.aristotle.net, pm326-01.dialip.mich.net, bradbury.dgsys.com , 177.portland-01.me.dial-access.att.net, gb2ip9.bcn.net, dial2-02.tstar.net, ppp-207-193-32-31.okcyok.swbell.net, 208.140.94.38, pm3a3.bratt.sover.net, ts001d11.chi-il.concentric.net, quad565.resnet.upenn.edu, cdapm3-0-13.iea.com, ww-tm01.proxy.aol.com, ww-tq02.proxy.aol.com, and ww-tq05.proxy.aol.com
15 Marshal Konstantin K. Rokossovsky activates the Seventh Luftwaffe in preparation for another world war
15 PLG has another super-nightmare.....this one deals with a clandestine conspiracy involving miniskirts, self righteous pompous psychotic sharlitans, drunkards and drug addicts, sexual perverts, thinly veiled cyber sexcapades, religious persecution, tobacco addiction and some damn Korean shit called kim-chee. PLG wakes, shivering and with boils all over her body
15 The New York Blabber reports that the H5N1 virus may finally be winding down. Things look better in the Pacific Rim. At just that moment the Singapore Electronic Analog Timebomb reports that Sakyamuni Tathagata has been shot and killed in Kuala Lumpur. His corpse will be chopped up and served as a meat version of kim chee. As a direct result of this murder Marshal Konstantin K. Rokossovsky orders the powerful Yawata Steel plant into full production of war machines
15 Ice Princess lays the tobacco leafs on Porcupine Pman.......Pman is sent to the ICU in cardiac arrest. Dr. Poindexter J. Skinflint puts Pman on a special tobacco respirator and Skinflint admits...thats what saved his life
15 The latest craze to sweep through California.....teenage punks wearing white hunky John Shaftems masks
16 After a short lived, very terminal marriage Kim Mo Bong-Hole and Bo Kim Hole-Bong get divorced. Subsequently Bo Kim Hole-Bong marries Ho Joe Doink and Bo Kim Hole-Bong-Doink and Ho Joe Doink-Hole-Bong honeymoon at the Pohang Iron and Steel Blast Furnace #702
16 The drunkard Proletariat Manual Workmen and other slobs gather at Pedros Pool Hall for their usual friday night WRECKFEST . The boys plow thousands of dollars into the bar and get so damn drunk that they had to be escorted to the local psychiatric hospital for long term detox and counceling
16 Al-Jumhuriya Bulletin....... you cant sneak up on us. The great Satan shall die an ugly death
16 The Ultra-Pope Doughboy announces plans to expand the Lubavitcher-Byzantine Brethren Emunoh Chrystotom Pagan-Parish across the globe. The first target will be into France with Toulouse, Avignon, Creusat and Nantes being regional Parish kingdomlets. The big Behemoth Ultra-Pope will visit France later this month
16 Sakyamuni Tathagata is buried in an unmarked grave in Miri, Malaysia....not a sole attended the funeral ceremony, not even his highness the Ultra-Pope
17 Meat-eater Cannibal Flatulance-bomb finally arrives back in the US. He nearly wrecked the cargo plane with his methane and sulfur bombs. The gruesome monster rushes to the Federal Brotherhood of Stooge-Lumox Belugas headquarters to tell the boys about his escapade and all the good kim chee he had on his paid excursion. The boys get all pissed off at the Bombadeer since he got to eat all that good flatulance producing food and pulvarize his blubbery carcas
17 In the Yellow Sea Vice-Rear Admiral Dalrymple-Hamilton gets the 16th Route Navy ready for a sneak attack
17 SportsChannel Florida reports a mega-trade is in the making...Pegram for Khabibulin for Bruener for Modell for Jagr for Doig for Jodoin for Bochtler for Matty, Jesus and Felipe, for Abdur-Rahim for Huizenga and 31 others... the deal is reportedly worth 66.2 billion dollars
17 Get shredded at 800-243-3234 or call 800-837-1500 for the one near you
17 The CDC announces irradiated beef will unequivocally cause cancer in humans....eat the beef raw!
18 The PA Lottery announces that 825 is the Daily #. They then recant and say it was a preliminary drawing and the real Daily # was 503. The Lottery announces that was a bogus drawing and the real Daily was 092. This was ruled invalid and another drawing was held and 451 came up. That was the wrong number so 390 was selected but the machine broke so numbers were manually selected....the new official Daily # is 335. By then the Lottery drawing time had expired so there was no public drawing but the reliable and trustworthy auditors assured the public that 096 was the actual # drawn. As it turned out....not a sole had played 096 on this date
18 Wallace gets tangled in the wrong trousers but, as time goes by, he realizes they really are the right trousers
18 Mr. Rubberneck Sambo says hes going to take a break from the booze for today and heads to the library to get educated
18 KTRH AM reports that McNair is going to build a new 200,000 seat stadium in downtown. It will cost 1 billion and the city tax payers will pay for the whole thing
18 Ice Princess burns all her tobacco bras in a big bonfire. She gets high on the fumes
19 Vindictive Bitchwigwoman whips the hell out of Slob Doughboy as he did not bring her anything home for Martin Luther King Day
19 A big pep rally is held in Santa Cruz as the white hunky John Shaftems parade is conducted
19 Big human gorilla Buckminster Shitfest treats himself to a Red Lobster Party Platter. The slob ate over $200 worth of sea food alone and walked out without paying
19 The Washington Evening Star reports that Ally McBeal has been cancelled for tonight as her miniskirt ripped in half
19 Wilson Pickett heads to Memphis to record a digital version of MINi SKIRT MINNIE . On the B side will be a digital version of Mustang Sally, backed by Carla Thomas
20 Vanguard and Fidelity report...get your bonds now, before the market falls another thousand points
20 The GREAT LEADER Kim Il Sung-mo declares....we need billions more. $800 billion is not enough
20 The Ultra-Pope Doughboy announces plans to expand the Lubavitcher-Byzantine Brethren Emunoh Chrystotom Pagan-Parish across South America. His Highness will build a special Holy Sea for South America in Londrina. The big boy will visit after the Superbowl
20 A magpie shitting epidemic is reported through out Romania, the Czech and Slovak Republics and Hungary
20 Singapore Wireless cuts the tap on these babys...wwwcrac.wellsfargo.com, ts8-12.homenet.ohio-state.edu, fbk-p3-98.alaska.net, 208.198.168.149 , igw1.ericsson.com.au, well.health.nb.ca, user-38lc4a4.dialup.mindspring.com, du100-252.ppp.algonet.se , ns.skf.se, hlr-13-152.tm.net.my + 203.25.111.18
21 German paparazzi hound Frauline Fellatio Freda in Darmstadt and as a result she couldnt finish the visiting Hannover Scorpions. Freda tells the paparazzi shes headed for Dresden but the wiry queen heads down south instead
21 Suddenly, and with little notice...several groups announce they are going to Munich- ESC Moskitos Essen, EHC Eisb ren Berlin, Alania Vladikavkaz, Fakel Voronezh, ASV Hamm, Buffalo Bills, Celta Vigo and the German Bundesbond Internet Weinersnitzel Foundation
21 Moneymonger Sambo-Rambo wakes up wrecked/confused/dazed/drunk and all else. Sambo remembers to take his blood pressure, but doesnt remember how. He manages to get the cuff around his neck but nearly commits suicide upon inflating.....after a near death experience in which he was afloat on a raft in a sea of Nikolai vodka, Sambo recovers. The digital unit reads 301/188 . Sambo understands he on the threshold of death and hits a big carboy of wine to relax
21 On ABC Koop tells the public.... doink hole bonging is no longer in vogue
21 Its over between Bo Kim Hole-Bong-Doink and Ho Joe Doink-Hole-Bong....both are dying anyway
22 The LA Times reports that two lunatics with AK- 47s are holding 52 hostages at the postal facility near Lytton and Bryant. One is masked as the white hunky John Shaftems and the other is an Ally McBeal miniskirted look-a-like
22 Doughboy informs the world hes moving the Lubavitcher-Byzantine Brethren Emunoh Chrystotom Pagan-Parish into the Holy Land ....like it or not!
22 From Russia, a warning from Voyenno-Istoricheskii Zhurnal: Watch out for those cyber-nerds from California....they broke into our Timex-Sinclair 64K remotely and stole all of our porno site bookmarks. Rodion Malinovsky, who was very pissed, vows to get these criminals
22 Hearing of another postal hostage ordeal from his hospital bed in the ICU, Lasorda has 28 straight heart attacks. Dr. Schizobergerwicz, who was at the big boys bed, said he is doing fine and sends his regards to the hostages
22 Shaman Mahavira-juni Lao-Tze Garu-Guru sends email to his associates: we must stop that grandiose Slob Doughboy now
23 Millions of loyal faithful send letters and email to Messiah Nanak Varhamana Abdul-Alibaba II...stop that human-pig shesiter Doughboy before its too late
23 From his penthouse headquarters in Palo Alto Judge Prepuse P. Foreskin declares...we will stop that big bastard no matter what
23 Baluga H Cornhole organizes the Belugas, Buckminster Shitfest rouses the American National Union Society (ANUS) and Fuhrer Braunschweiger Helmut III activates the Storm Troopers in a collective effort to bring down the Lubavitcher-Byzantine Brethren Emunoh Chrystotom Pagan-Parish
23 Queen Vo meets up with Tilly the Toopster at Bates the Hatter...they enjoy the merchandise with a cup of hot tea
23 Boozeboy Sambo says enough is enough....snaps out and shoots his Sing and Snore Ernie 50 times with his 30.06
24 The Calif. Highway Patrol ends the postal hostage standoff by offering free tickets to the Superbowl to the Ally look-a-like and the pseudo-John Shaftems. All of the lumoxs head southward
24 Driving southward on 101 quasi-Ally and pseudo-John Shaftems shoot stun guns at passing motorists... the perverts say--this stuff is better than any fucking calendar!-
24 Doughboy makes a token appearance in Paris and then catches a non stop flight to San Diego
24 The boys at the Liverlips Bar + Grill get wrecked...... Hardturd preaches Joe Namath will pull through but human gorilla Buckminster Liquidpants offers Ernie Terrell is the best running-back ever. A humongous fist fight erupts
24 Tilly and Queen Vo buy some slinky lingerie at VICTORIA EMBANKMENT
25 Before the Superbowl, at a special self-humiliation pregame ceremony gutless Shinichiro Kaneko protests the senseless assination of Sakyamuni Tathagata by drinking a gallon of sulfuric acid and having himself burned at the stake. The chared remains were shipped immediately to Valle de Las Palmas to feed the hungry
25 At the Superbowl, Heroinballs hits bhang, ephedrine, THC and 45 green pickles. HB missed the whole game
25 The smashing young men in Mt. View, CA say they have fixed everything and the Lunar Prospector is 100%
25 Mexican punks with machine guns hold the Superbowl hostage...collect over $13.3 million in cash from those in attendance. Sweitzer had no money but the punks took his pistol instead
25 Shem visits Medinat un-Nabi warning of a flood to end all floods.....El Nino is coming
26 NASA/Houston announces that the Lunar Prospector has discovered remains of cuban wet dank cigar butts on the moon
26 At work, SamboRubberneck wanders around aimlessly. Lilliput has another brain attack...this one restores her to normalcy??????
26 Gastrointestinal Nightmare Human Gorilla disperses the crowd at Bare Elegance with a bomb suitable for the next world war
26 The latest craze sweeping through Calif...... kim chee burritos and soft tacos
26 BundesBordelloExtrordinair declares bankruptcy.....theyve lost too many marks due to free services being provided to their potential clients
27 Kim Mo Bong and Bo Kim Hole deny they ever knew each other
27 The John Shaftems gang protest at a meeting of the Federal Brotherhood of Stooge-Lumox Belugas in McKeesport
27 The following ports are fined $1,000 each for cyber kim chee theft---- cache4.sbs.de, elweb.sydkraft.se, inet21.us.oracle.com, proxy3.nyc.prodigy.net , p236025.pc.csbsju.edu , j6.mlk32.jaring.my, 192.160.243.196, ww-tl04.proxy.aol.com, proxy1.ykt.prodigy.net, imsp037.netvigator.com, imsp038.netvigator.com, rain.pipex.net, tarantula.europe.shiva.com, + dialup095.express-news.net
27 The Vatican reports the Pope is heading back to Cuba....they have some good cigars down there
27 Pman said he was chilled to the very bone. Ice Princess is at it again
28 The PA Lottery announces that 828 is the Daily #, but they refute this and it follows this sequence....206, 415, 333, 933, 011, 828, 827, 401, 333, 666, 912, 903, 390, 777, 776, 890, 002, 456, etc. etc. etc.
28 Sri-Lanka Rice Bank offers to buy Mellon for $15.2 billion but a counter offer is made by Uncle Bens Rice Bank of Georgia for $15.21 billion. The deal falls through as the Korean Cabbage International Bank offers $16 billion and Mellon accepts
28 AltaVista bombs out....we dont have time to respond to our customers...we have too many
28 CobWebs start appearing all over tvs in California. Scientists say they have no clue as to what is causing this bizarre phenomenon
28 Marshal Konstantin K. Rokossovsky and Fuhrer Braunschweiger Helmut III sign a peace accord. Olga goes to Bonn and Freda goes to Siberia
29 Arent you tired of all this shit yet?
29 Chiles 44 senators report to El Presidente...we need to go to the cyber-world...were missing out on a lot of action
29 The great alligator state sues the Lawyers in the tobacco fiasco...the Lawyers want $200 million each
29 British teenage punks rebel against the Lubavitcher-Byzantine Brethren Emunoh Chrystotom Pagan-Parish
29 Ayatollah Opulant denounces the Ultra-Pope shamartist Doughboy....death to the great Satan
30 JPL reports the Lunar Prospector HAS found cheese on the moon
30 In Ciudad Juarez, an unarmed terrorist held up the Chingata Bank by threating to blow a methane/sufur kim chee burrito fart. The culprit got away with 200 pesos
30 The Seoul Thief newspaper prints a story....Kim Moo Oou Hospital has vaporized
30 Employees at the Buckminster Bucky-ball Factory in Cleveland play pocket pool all day and no work is accomplished.
30 Employees at the Excell Beef Slaughter House in the mid-west play pound the mad cows all day and e.coli spreads everywhere
31 In Boston Doughboy pronounces...... I am the savior of the scumbags, sleezebuckets and the worthless....send your money to me now
31 With nothing to do on a saturday, the Lytton/Bryant gang sits around eating kim chee tacos all afternoon
31 Hakio Hardturd tells everyone... I want to get a home page...... Can I set this up on my Sanyo TV? Sambo, half drunk as usual, says you better believe it (burp)........buolllllooouuuuggggghhhhhhh
31 Masturbating meatball gluesniffer Brownpants tells the boys.... I know how to make sludge bombs
31 Dr. Kim Jim Bo tells the readers of The Seoul Thief cut back on the kim chee... it can cause intestinal tumors...eat more saturated fat like fatty beef, lardy pork and anything containing tons of cholesterol
If you enjoyed this material, you can find other satire, humor, comedy and sarcasm written by Dan Sroka at the following sites:
- Dan Sroka World Famous Calendars and Short Stories
- Dan Sroka's Unpublished Proceedings
- Dan Sroka's Digital Diarrhea
- satire-by-sroka
- Dan Sroka's Berserk Briefs
  Copyright © Dan Sroka, 12/28/97, 3/08
  The World Famous Calendars are a division of the Dan Sroka Humor Network. If you would like to be notified whenever new writings are added to any of these sites send a BLANK email message to this address: satire-by-sroka-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
  
  Network Endorsements and Shopping. The Dan Sroka Humor Network is a totally free, non-revenue producing entity. Please patronize and shop with our partners and help keep America's Leading INDEPENDENT Adult Humor Network free
  Endorsements/Shopping
  
  Visit One of Our Many Network Affiliate Sites. Click the banner below.