Dan Sroka's Berserk Briefs #34

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Berserk Briefs by Dan Sroka

Berserk Briefs by Dan Sroka

Rabbi Emanuel Berkovitz has been in some controversial and highly questionable capers over the years. Now was the ultimate calling however. The Secret Police offered to give him immunity even though it was known he murdered his former friend Morey Sheck, killed the liquor store clerk for a bottle of wine and left Rodney King in the desert to die. This was MISSION IMPOSSIBLE. For the Secret Police know where bin Laden is at. And they were offering Berkovitz complete immunity from all his many crimes if he takes the terrorist out. Rabbi Emanuel Berkovitz took a long hard sip from his ever present bottle of Mogen David. Dreams of the Tower of Babel and money changers danced through his head. “I could be at the level of the Pope if I take out bin Laden”, he thought as he consumed his second jug of wine. “I’ll do it.” But he told the Secret Police he wanted to consult with his friends Dr. Ezzard Scrotumballs, Nebuchadnezzar, Nahum, Shem and Nicodemus first. The Secret Police arranged for the meeting. After the meeting, Berkovitz would be taken to the location of the terrorist and he would be single-handedly responsible for terminating him. He thought, “Emanuel Berkovitz- world savior”. He opened the third bottle of wine and drank hard until he fell asleep. In a stupor/quagmire- Berkovitz had a nightmare where he was in the Negev Desert and a black man gave him the last surviving copy of the Bhagavad-Gita. The black man identified himself as Yahweh. He told Berkovitz to guard the book with his life and walked away silently into the desert cold. Berkovitz woke in a cold sweat- he’d spilled Mogen David all over the Bhagavad-Gita completely ruining the last copy forever! He was covered in sweat as he wondered “what the fuck did that mean?”

Copyright © Dan Sroka 12/26/01

Berserk Briefs by Dan Sroka

Berkovitz woke with a pounding headache and empty Mogen David bottles laying everywhere. The Secret Police were pounding at his door to his Mental Clinic. They escorted Dr. Ezzard Scrotumballs, Nebuchadnezzar, Nahum, Shem and Nicodemus into the nut house. Berkovitz explained his mission as they sat around consuming quarts of wine. Nebuchadnezzar told him “do it with a knife in the back” and Shem advised he force him to drink a gallon of King Solomon. Dr. Ezzard Scrotumballs gave him one of his Anal Pipe Bombs and he told him to use that on bin Laden in conjunction with his newly developed biological warfare Scrotumballs Cornholer virus. The Secret Police tape recorded the meeting and ushered the boys out when they started to get drunk and rowdy. Berkovitz called for a case of wine to be delivered and contemplated his options. Berkovitz ate three barley bagels and drank heavily. The Secret Police told him where bin Laden was hiding and that they would deliver him to the location to kill him tomorrow. Emanuel Berkovitz passed into a stupored quagmire. He dreamt that he was in a drunken orgy with nomads outside of Mecca. A man walked toward him and identified himself as Rodney King. He stuck an anal pipe bomb up his ass claiming, “I am the jinn- I am the demon”. Seconds later he was gone in a mass of blood, bones and flesh. Emanuel Berkovitz woke from his drunken stupor dream wondering “what the fuck did THAT mean?”

Copyright © Dan Sroka 12/26/01,

4/08

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