Dan Sroka's Berserk Briefs #18

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Berserk Briefs by Dan Sroka

Berserk Briefs by Dan Sroka

The sixth annual Baloney Eaters and Beer Drinkers Hogfest drew some formidable gluttons. Four time champion, 400 pounder Shyster Slob Doughboy was once again, the favored blubster to win the Hogfest and take home the coveted prize of 50 20 lb chunks of deli bologna and a keg of beer. Doughboy came prepared- he had starved himself by not eating anything for a day. He was taking down 2 inch thick slabs of baloney and washing that down with beer from a plastic bucket. Hakio Hardturd, another boozehound behemoth, was eating in his usual two-fisted fashion so that he barely had time to breathe. Likewise human gorilla Buckminster Shitpants was wolfing down a block of bologna and massive quantities of beer Linda Lovelace style. And Baluga H Cornhole was there too, eating and drinking like it was his last day alive. The gluttons chewed, swallowed, gulped, inhaled and consumed until their livers, kidneys and intestines were ready to explode. Hardturd’s heart ruptured and he was dead before he hit the dirt below. Doughboy’s massive chest cavity exploded and he likewise was an instant goner. Shitpant’s anus erupted and he was disqualified because of his illegal discharge and so Baluga was the winner by default. 80 year old glutton Baluga had a massive coronary soon after and died instantly in a platter of thick chunk bologna. The dead fatboys were thrown in the back of the meat truck and they will be transported to the plant and converted to fresh baloney to be shipped to your local supermarket for your enjoyment.

Copyright © Dan Sroka 7/22/01

Berserk Briefs by Dan Sroka

Wilbur noticed his brand new $50 bill was missing from his wallet. No one ever touches Wilbur’s wallet. He lives with his Mother who he has locked up in the basement- so she didn’t take his money. Wilbur could not explain the absence of the $50 bill. Did HE steal it? He grew very suspicious. The evidence was mounting that he stole his money. Wilbur ordered himself to take a lie-detector test and sure enough, he failed it! Wilbur then knew HE was the guilty party. He sentenced himself to 50 days in the County Jail, solitary confinement. The County billed Wilbur $1,500 for his incarceration. Upon release from jail the guard gave Wilbur back his possessions and the $50 bill was now in his wallet. What was going on? Was he crazy? Wilbur voluntarily admitted himself to the County Insane Asylum and was declared marginally psychotic. The sad sack was heavily sedated and after a month of psychotherapy he was released to the custody of his Mother in the basement. His mental health treatment came to a total of $14,000. Shortly thereafter Wilbur was found dead in his basement. His Mother is the prime suspect in the murder. The key piece of evidence is Wilbur's wallet, containing a $50 bill, which was found in Wilbur’s Mother’s purse. She was administered a lie-detector test, failed it, and was locked up in the County Insane Asylum permanently.

Copyright © Dan Sroka 7/24/01,

5/08

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