ӿӦlt;----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿӼbr>                                   presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->

Well my trip to the football game didn't go as planned!  We got
there ok and stayed for the whole game but two things DIDN'T
happen.  One, my team (Bombers) lost and two, our receiver
didn't break the record for all time touch-down receptions.. That
could happen tomorrow night in Montreal or else we will have to
wait for next week for a return trip to Winnipeg.  I'd love to see
him make the record at home ...but who knows!

Not much else to say right now ...gotta get this issue out in a
rush because I am behind in a bunch of things.  See you all
next week.  Enjoy the summer!

Today's issue includes contributions by: Mark, Keli, JB, Tammy,
Robert, Carole.

If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@<remove this>paulsfunhouse.com ">mailto:jokes@<remove this>paulsfunhouse.com</a>

ӿӭ------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr> Lets start with a quickie:

A soldier about to be deployed to Afghanistan was talking to Chelsea
Clinton.

He told her that he only had three fears: Osama, Obama and Yo
Mama!

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ӿӭ------------------LAUGHING STALK--------------------------ӿӼbr>
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers

Spider-Man Never Used Suction Cups

Kids today have great movie toys. When I was a kid, we never had
Spider-Man movies, video games, or shampoo and conditioner sets. We just
had the cheaply-made cartoons. The ones that showed Spider-Man flying
past the same cityscape so many times, I thought he was swinging in
circles. (For those of you who don't remember, this is the show that
gave us the theme song, "Spider-Man, Spider-Man/Does whatever a spider
can/Spins a web any size/Catches thieves just like flies.")

But schlocky effects and theme song notwithstanding, it was still a cool
show, so I wanted to be Spider-Man. I wanted to climb walls, shoot webs
from my special wrist web shooter, and catch my sister in a giant web
and leave her stuck there for the police to find. I asked my mom whether
being bitten by a spider would, in fact, give me super powers.

"Absolutely not!" my mother gasped, considering banning me from TV
forever. "People can die from spider bites."

At nine years old, I figured my mom's grasp of comic book science was
pretty shaky, and took her claims with a grain of salt. But since my
plan also had the possibility of death, I decided to wait for a magical
genie to grant me superpowers instead. Unfortunately, that doesn't get
you anything either, so my dreams went unfilled, until that Christmas.

That's when I received the gift that I thought would change my life
forever, and start me on the road to crime fighting: my very own
Official Spider-Man Wrist Web Shooter. (In the Spider-Man cartoons,
Spidey used a chemical cartridge to shoot his webs. None of this
namby-pamby "I create my webs from my own wrist" crap.)

This is it! I thought to myself as I unwrapped the first step on my
quest to becoming a superhero. With the Official Spider-Man Wrist Web
Shooter, I could swing from the ceiling! I could climb walls! I could
catch thieves just like flies!

Turns out, I couldn't do jack squat.

This wasn't a web shooter, it was a suction dart on a string. I put the
strap on my wrist, pressed a button, and a spring fired the dart. It was
just a glorified dart gun.

Now, don't get me wrong. I loved the gift. I kept it until I was 15,
when it disappeared (and is still in my dad's attic, for all I know).
But I was very disappointed when it didn't give me the super powers I
craved, or let me suspend my sister from the ceiling. (Lord knows I
tried enough times.) I couldn't climb walls, I couldn't swing from the
ceiling, and the dart didn't capture my sister in a giant web. All it
did was activate her power of screaming "Moooooommy!!!!Tell Erik to quit
shooting me!!!!" (There's no defense against that either.)

You just can't do much with a run-of-the-mill dart gun dart. The only
thing it stuck to was the refrigerator, the window, or the TV. Otherwise
I couldn't figure out how to make it actually do anything. Any time I
pulled on the string, the dart popped off, so I certainly wasn't going
to swing around the room with it. The only thing I could do was use it
to pull a pop can closer to me, assuming the dart stuck after the first
twelve tries. And since the string was only two feet long, it was
usually just easier to reach for the can.

"It's the string!" I declared one day. "The string is too short!"

Obviously, if I wanted to make the dart fly farther, I had to untie the
string.

Unfortunately, this created its own problems, because while the dart did
fly farther -- 12 feet, in fact -- I had to chase it down every time I
fired it. And while this increased the dart's effective range, like when
shooting my sister, it had its drawbacks, like when she grabbed it and
took off.

It's pretty hard for budding superheroes to explain to their mother why
shooting their sister with a dart is less bad than her stealing the
dart, and thus the superhero shouldn't be punished. But parents don't
recognize "saving the world" as a viable defense, so I usually got in
trouble for my attempts.

But despite its lack of super powers, the Official Spider-Man Wrist Web
Shooter was a great toy, whether I was taking potshots at the TV, pop
cans, or my sister. It just didn't do much beyond that. So I resigned
myself to a life of normalcy and blandness, until I found the product I
was convinced would change my life forever and make me one of the
coolest superheroes on the planet.

"Mom, I want the Official Aquaman Face Mask and Swim Fins for my
birthday!"

Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2007

--

Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.

ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Olle, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.

His fame grew, and, soon people from all over the country were coming to
him in Minnesota for paintings and formal portraits.

One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo,
while Olle was mowing the lawn. She asked Ole if he would paint her in the
nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful
lady said money was no object; she was willing to pay him $50,000.

Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked the lady to wait
while he went in the house and conferred with Lena , his missus. In a few
minutes he returned and said to the lady, "Ya, shoor, you betcha. I'll
paint ya in da nude, but I'll haff ta leave my socks on so I'll have a
place to wipe my brushes."

ӿӭ----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------ӿӼbr>
"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her
out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom,
they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
-Paula Poundstone

ӿӭ----------------------SATIRE BY SROKA----------------------ӿӼbr>
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html

ӿӭ----------------------BACK ISSUES-------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Back issues (or archives) can be found at:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/ ">Archive</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/

ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're
stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said,
"Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

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ӿӭ----------------------DEEP THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿӼbr>
Madness takes its toll.  Please have exact change.

ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A newlywed couple is getting ready for bed when the husband says,
"Honey, now that we're married, it's okay for me to see your
body. Would you open your robe so I can have a look?"

She opens her robe and lets her husband see her naked body.

And he says, "You are so so so beautiful. Can I get the camera
and take a picture?"

"Why do you want to do that?" she asks.

"Because I love you so so so much, and I'd like to keep your
picture next to my heart forever!"

She allows him to get the camera and take the picture. Then she
says, "Honey, now that we're married, it's okay for me to see
your body too. Would you open your robe so I can have a look?"

He opens his robe and lets his wife see his naked body.

And she asks, "Can I get the camera and take a picture?"

"Why do you want to do that?" he asks her.

"Because I want to get it enlarged!"

ӿӭ---------------------COLUMN PREVIEW--------------------ӿӼbr>
Columnists Convention
by Sheila Moss

I've been out of town at a convention this past week. I thought
I would let you in on my unofficial version of the "official"
version.

I was on a business trip to Philadelphia to a convention of the
National Society of Newspaper Columnists. We were bribed into
going with promises of cheesesteaks, column tips, and freebies.
We decided to drive instead of flying. All went well except for
one place in Pennsylvania where the Interstate was closed and
we had to take a detour.

My honey saw a sign for Boiling Spring, a city with a nice duck
pond in the center of town, he said. Fortunately, the detour
ended before we got to duck soup pond. After we checked in at
the hotel, I remember leaving my purse in the car, which honey
was parking in a garage. He refused to bring my purse, saying
he wasn't walking back down the streets of Philadelphia carrying
a purse.

More?...

<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/philly.htm ">Sheila Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/philly.htm

ӿӭ-----------------------JELLY MOM--------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Lisa Barker is Jelly Mom and she writes a
syndicated humor column for parents & families.

View her latest column at:

<a href=" http://www.JellyMom.com ">Jelly Mom</a>
http://www.JellyMom.com

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ӿӭ-------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿӼbr>
On that fateful day, March 6, 1836, Davy Crockett woke up and walked
 from his bunk on the floor of the Alamo up to the observation post on the
west wall.

William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were there already. The three gazed at the
hordes of Mexicans moving steadily towards them.

Davy turned to Bowie with a puzzled look on his face and said. " Jim, are we
landscaping today?"

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ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140
or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa Convention
in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local
cafe.

While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker con-
tained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt.
How could they swap the contents of the bottles without
spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly
this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented
ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution in-
volving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They
called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the
pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."

"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She
unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

ӿӭ------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------ӿӼbr>
WINNIPEG - City police said Friday a 36-year-old Winnipeg man
faces charges for allegedly stealing a house.  Const. Jacqueline
Chaput said the house was recently demolished to make way for a
parking lot next to a Toronto Street apartment block -- without
the homeowner's permission.  Ray Rybachuk faces charges of theft
of property valued at more than $5,000 and mischief causing more
than $5,000 in damage in relation to the home's demolition.

Weird News is a feature of this ezine...it contains a previously
published News Report.  If you find an article that you wish to see
here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to
this ezine.

ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A PGA professional golfer, in an awful car crash, was rushed
to the hospital where the surgeon told the pro he had lost
his right arm... but that he had good news.

The despondent pro said, "There goes my life, Doc."

"Not necessarily, my good man." answered the doctor. He said
that a lady, a very nice Jewish lady, before dying had donated
all of her organs and body parts to anyone who was in need.
The surgeon said he could transplant the lady's right arm to
the pro golfer.

The pro became ecstatic and the operation was a success.

Three months later, the pro visited the doctor to tell him his
new hand and arm had him winning tournaments right and left.

"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that, Doc, but my handwriting has improved a thousand
percent, I've also taken up oil painting and sold my first
canvas for $3000.00."

"Unbelievable." said the doctor. "I'm so glad the transplant
was such a success."

"But there is one problem." the golf pro said.

"What's that?" asked the surgeon.

"Every time I touch my dick, I get a horrible headache."

ӿӭ---------------------DAILY SNOPE--------------------------------ӿӼbr>
All the info that is fit to print ...
The Daily Snope is a comical look
at the days news!

Todays Top Story:

Harry Potter Spoilers Proliferate   (Associated Press)

In the final days before the world learns whether Harry
Potter lives or dies, spoilers or those pretending to
spoil are spreading on the Internet.

<a href=" http://www.snopes.com/daily/ ">Daily Snope</a>
http://www.snopes.com/daily/

ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
According to my mother, she and Dad decided to start a family
soon after he became an officer in the Air Force. When months
went by without success, they consulted the base physician,
who chose to examine Mom right then and there.

"Please disrobe," he told her.

"With him in the room??" she yelled, pointing to my father.

Turning to Dad, the doctor said, "Captain, I think I found
the problem."

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ӿӭ--------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots
his friend and kills him.

Wife says : "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".

ӿӭ--------------------DANNY GALLAGHER---------------------------ӿӼbr>
[Danny's column didn't quite make the deadline -- so I am bringing
you a "blast from the past!"]

MOVIES THAT SUCK
BY DANNY GALLAGHER

"Up the Academy"
OR
"My Baloney Has a First Name, It's O-S-C-A-R"


If you're as big of a movie fan as me, then you didn't spend last
Sunday watching the Oscars. The chances are better that you spent the
night trying not to drown yourself in a bucket of grain alcohol.

The Oscars have become a beast that can no longer be fed. It's
overblown, over-produced and just plain over. Trying to watch the
Oscars with any enthusiasm is like trying to get excited about
curling, getting your toe smashed with a hammer or going on a trip to
Iowa.

The problem is, like everything with Hollyweird, there's too much
emphasis on the actor and not the achievement. Hollyweird awards you
for being famous. Oscar should award you for achievement. These days,
the two are harder to separate than two frogs in a blender on puree.

The result is a four hour show with lukewarm attempts at comedy that
aren't meant to hurt anybody, sappy moments of happiness that only
three people in the world care about and an eye migraine that could
make a blow to the head with a shovel feel like a sensual scalp
massage.

So, as my gay cousin says every time he walks into my beer mirrored,
sports poster covered apartment, "Baby, this placed needs to be burned
to the ground, ground up again and re-burned and THEN it needs a
makeover. You been briefed."

First off, hire a comedian who's not afraid to roast some of the
plasticine freaks in the audience and stay the hell out of his way.
Geniuses like David Letterman and Steve Martin hosted the Oscars once
never to be invited back again while freaks of nature like Whoopi
Goldberg are moved to the top of the academy's speed dial list. The
difference is Martin and Letterman had the cajones to make fun of
Hollyweird's royalty to their faces while the others didn't, despite
the fact they didn't actually have testicles (although with Whoopi,
the jury's still out).

Next, don't broadcast any of the technical, editing or backstage
awards. You can do them all in one, big, lump sum at the beginning of
the show. Not only have you cut out layers of boring fat like what
some nerd with an editing machine thinks "Pan's Labryinth," but you've
also eliminated about three hours of the broadcast. This allows the
viewer extra time to do more important things like grab a couple of
belts of whiskey, load his gun or sharpen his machete.

Then only allow smoking hot babes in dresses that cover 30 percent of
their bodies and require three days to get into to award the short
form, documentary and foreign film awards. This will not only garner
more interest in these lesser heard films, but it will also teach
these lesser heard directors how to make more interesting movies.

Finally, acceptance speeches do I even have to say what the problem
is here? These people win another gold paperweight and they talk
endlessly about people no one cares about for reasons we care about
even less while the orchestra tries to drown out their teary
ramblings. Don't they know that a tuba being blown into a microphone
that's hooked up to the PA system at Wrigley Field couldn't drown out
the determined tone of Susan Sarandon? Here's the rule: you have one
minute to say your piece or it's a blow dart to the neck.

So that's it. An hour long show that's easy on the eyes, soothing to
the soul and stimulating to other parts of the human anatomy. My only
hope is that someone at the Academy will at least take the time to
read my suggestions because it will prove that they actually know how
to read, something I was suspicious about when they gave "Good Will
Hunting" an award for Best Screenplay.


======================================================
"Movies that Suck" is written and was created by Danny Gallagher.

To send suggestions, criticisms or threats to the author, drop him a
line online at dannyboythezombie@gmail.com.

Visit him on the web at http://www.dannygallagher.net.

(c) 2007 by Danny Gallagher

=======================================================

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