ӿӦlt;----------The
Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿӼbr>
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
Gotta love Manitoba in the spring ...the last few days it has really
nice with temperatures well above freezing ...then this morning we
woke up to COLD again...just to remind us that winter's grasp is
still upon us.
So did your computer's time reset properly this weekend with
the new daylight savings time settings? If not then you should
perform your Windows Updates (assuming you have Windows
on your computer) and the settings will correct themselves. The
mini-Y2K that had been talked about didn't happen (as usual) and
we all survived...and if you remember 7 years ago when the real
Y2K bug was supposed to hit and devaste the world ...it was
just as big a fizzle...so I guess we are not relying on computers
that much. ;)
Well last week I told you about the Dauphin Kings having a really
long overtime game... and last night they played Game Seven in
the first round and won ...so off we go to round two and more
excitement. Hockey in
Today's issue includes contributions by: Di, Sherri, John, Debbie,
Gina, Tammy, Keli, Susie, JB.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@<remove
this>paulsfunhouse.com ">mailto:jokes@<remove this>paulsfunhouse.com</a>
ӿӭ------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Lets start with a quickie:
What do you call the white flakes in a woman's used panties?
Clitty Litter!
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ӿӭ------------------LAUGHING
STALK--------------------------ӿӼbr>
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
Living in Mother Goose's Neighborhood
"Well, that's the last of the boxes. We're finally moved into our new
home."
"I know, isn't it a great house?"
"I don't know who built it. Look at the plaque by the front door."
"'This is the house that Jack built.'"
"I don't know who he is."
"I wasn't gone that long."
"Outside meeting some of our new neighbors."
"I don't remember. One of them was Jack. . . uhh, Pratt. . .Kratt. . .
Spratt. Oh yeah, it was Spratt."
"He's that really skinny guy we saw on the way in.
"Kind of short and meek looking.
"That wasn't a bear, that was his wife. She's huge!"
"I'm not kidding. It was like talking to a beach ball and a bean
pole."
"Jeez, what DIDN'T we talk about? They told me all about the neighbors,
their house, even their dietary restrictions. I just wanted to know when
the trash was picked up. I didn't need their whole life story."
"Mondays."
"Get this. Apparently Jack is on a strict Ornish no-fat diet. Won't ever
touch the stuff. Won't butter his toast, uses only non-fat salad
dressing, and only eats grilled fish or baked skinless chicken."
"Oh, she eats anything. She says she's on Atkins, but she's doing it all
wrong."
" She actually bragged about it -- porterhouse steaks, hamburgers,
Cheetos, ice cream. It's not a marriage, it's some kind of dietary
symbiosis. She eats what he can't, he eats what she won't."
"No, he's not the same Jack who built this house. I already asked."
"I think he's an accountant."
"Well, I would have been in right after that, but one of the other
neighbors came along."
"Alexander Leslie, who's originally from
crooked little guy. He lives in that crooked house on
"Around the bend, right off
"It's not that far. He goes from his house to that big oak at the end of
the road. He said he loves meandering around all the twists and curves
in the area."
"About a mile."
"Maybe so, but he knows a lot about the neighbors."
"Alex said there are still a couple of small family farms on the
outskirts of the neighborhood."
"One of them is a sheep farm."
"Some woman named Bonita. She divorced her husband, Frank Peep, last
year, and he left her the farm."
"Alex says she's pretty bad at it."
"They keep getting out of the pen, and wander around the
neighborhood."
"They don't do much, but the neighborhood association has called animal
control out to her place a few times."
"The farmers co-op has even helped her with animal management, but the
pen keeps getting unlocked."
"Could be that Tom Tom guy we heard about on the news, but he only
steals pigs."
"Oh, and Bonita has a daughter, Mary, who is just the opposite when it
comes to sheep. She's got this lamb that keeps following her around
everywhere."
"No, seriously. Everywhere."
"The store, church, school, you name it. Sounds like some creepy stalker
lamb."
"The health department has already banned them from three restaurants
because of health code violations."
"No, the Greek place still lets them in."
"They probably want to make gyro sandwiches out of it."
"Actually Jack's wife says their gyros are excellent. She'll eat three
or four in one sitting."
"Yeah, gyros do sound pretty good tonight."
"Alex said we have to go to Horner's Bakery. It's on
"Their Christmas pie is supposed to be outstanding."
"Walnuts, apples, and plums."
"Before I forget, Alex said to keep an eye on Bob Porgie's kid, George.
The kid's only eight years old, but already has a reputation for being
something of a Lothario."
"Bonita apparently threatened to sue the Porgies for sexual
harassment."
"George keeps kissing Mary whenever they play together."
"No, he does it to all the neighborhood girls. Makes them cry and
everything."
"It's not cute! The kid's a coward."
"Whenever the boys come out, the little punk runs off."
"Well, he's not playing around our girls, that's for darn sure!"
"Alright, alright, I'm calm."
"I like the neighborhood pretty well so far. It seems a little weird
though."
"I keep thinking I've met these people before, but I can't quite put my
finger on it."
"I don't know. When I was a kid, I guess."
"I'm sure I'll remember it later,"
"Oh yeah? When are you going to start planting?"
"I'll put up a small fence to keep Bonita's sheep out."
"What are you planting this year?"
"Pumpkins?!"
"Uh, you may want to rethink that. I met our neighbor Peter earlier
today."
"He lives in that little orange house behind us."
"You think that's small? You should see where his wife stays."
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2007
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Bono is at a U2 concert in
audience for some quiet. Then, in the silence, he starts to slowly clap
his hands.
He says into the microphone, in a deep solemn voice...
"Just for a moment, think outside yourself...Outside this arena.
Every time I clap my hands, a child in
A loud Newfy voice from near the front pierces the moment...
"Well, Lard tunderin jasus, ya stupid arse, stop yer fockin'
clappin', then!"
ӿӭ----------------------QUICK
QUOTE----------------------------ӿӼbr>
"
using force in
used in the rarest of circumstances - like when a college kid
criticizes the government then you run him over in a tank."
-Jay Leno
ӿӭ----------------------SATIRE
BY SROKA----------------------ӿӼbr>
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿӭ----------------------BACK
ISSUES-------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Back issues (or archives) can be found at:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
">Archive</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A Scotsman, an Englishman and a Newf were sitting in a bar in Toronto.
The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.
Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.
In
of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy
the 5th drink for you."
Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman
will
buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Newf. "Back home in Sin Jahn's
there's
the Codfish Bar. The moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a
drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had
enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All
on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Newfie's
claims but he swears every word is true. "Well," said the Englishman,
"Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me meself, personally, no," said the Newf. "But it
did happen to
me sister a few times."
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ӿӭ----------------------DEEP
THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿӼbr>
I took a bunch of pictures while on my vacation in
Due to the exchange rate, however, they're each only worth
about 700 words.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Two eggs are boiling in a saucepan, one is male the other
female. The female turns to the male and says "Look, I've
got a crack!"
The male turns to her and says "No point telling me, I'm
not hard yet!
ӿӭ---------------------COLUMN
PREVIEW--------------------ӿӼbr>
Medicare Madness
by Sheila Moss
I believe I have found the explanation for forgetfulness in
our aging population. Medicare.
Like most people, I didn't give a flip about understanding
Medicare and thought old people were just being senile by
not understanding it. After all, it's just insurance. How
difficult can it be?
Now I'm suffering from Medicare induced dementia myself.
I had occasion this past month to try and bone up and get an
idea of what is going on with Medicare -- not that I will ever
turn 65 myself, of course. I have never seen such a confusing
way to get insurance in my entire life.
First of all, I was under the impression that Medicare and
Social Security sort of came together since both are
administered by Social Security. Wrong! We are talking about
the government here. Everything must be as confusing as
possible.
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/medicare.htm ">Sheila
Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/medicare.htm
ӿӭ-----------------------JELLY
MOM--------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Lisa Barker is Jelly Mom and she writes a
syndicated humor column for parents & families.
View her latest column at:
<a href=" http://www.JellyMom.com
">Jelly Mom</a>
http://www.JellyMom.com
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ӿӭ-------------------IT'S
NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿӼbr>
I'm an obstetrics nurse at a large city hospital, where our
patients are from many different countries and cultures.
One day while waiting for a new mother to be transferred to
our division, I checked the chart and assumed that, because
of her last name, she was of European descent. So when she
was finally wheeled in, I was surprised to see that she was
Asian.
As I was performing the exam, we chatted, and she told me that
she was Chinese, and her husband's ethnic heritage was
After a short pause, she quipped, "I guess that makes my
children Chinese Czechers!"
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ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen
cooking, he looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one
of his socks in frying pan.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came
to bed very drunk," she replied.
Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself,
"I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."
ӿӭ------------------------WEIRD
NEWS---------------------------ӿӼbr>
A Polish man is in trouble for offering an online confessional for
Catholics who can't be bothered with church. Borys Cezar set up the
website which welcomed visitors with the words: "Welcome to the
virtual confessional." It continued: "Now write down your sins
against Lord God. Do you regret your sins?" (yes/no) Do you
intend to correct them? (yes/no); now click on next.
"We are connecting you with the Lord God, please wait... Your
sins are being transferred, please wait... Congratulations, your
sins have been forgiven." Cezar is facing a heavy fine or jail
for offending religious feelings and his website has been closed
down. He said: "I'm a Catholic myself. I go to confession like
anyone else. I didn't want to offend anyone."
Weird News is a feature of this ezine...it contains a previously
published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see
here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to
this ezine.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 quart of water
each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than
1 pound of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words,
we are consuming 1 pound of shit.
However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey,
vodka, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a
distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
Therefore, it is better to drink alcoholic beverages and talk shit
than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am
doing it as a public service.
ӿӭ---------------------DAILY
SNOPE--------------------------------ӿӼbr>
All the info that is fit to print ...
The Daily Snope is a comical look
at the days news!
Todays Top Story:
Surprised Pawnshop Owner Finds Yellowcake Uranium (Orlando
Sentinel)
Every blue moon or so, collectibles dealer and pawnshop owner Frank
Cafaro stumbles upon a buried gem amid an estate's junk and tchotchkes.
But his latest find was so alarming he called the Fire Department.
<a href=" http://www.snopes.com/daily/
">Daily Snope</a>
http://www.snopes.com/daily/
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS!
1.. You walka pasta da bakery.
2.. You walka pasta da candy store.
3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4... You walka pasta da table and fridge.
You will lose weight!
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ӿӭ--------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Define "Egghead"
What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty
ӿӭ--------------------DANNY
GALLAGHER---------------------------ӿӼbr>
MOVIES THAT SUCK
BY DANNY GALLAGHER
"Up the Academy"
OR
"My Baloney Has a First Name, It's O-S-C-A-R"
If you're as big of a movie fan as me, then you didn't spend last
Sunday watching the Oscars. The chances are better that you spent the
night trying not to drown yourself in a bucket of grain alcohol.
The Oscars have become a beast that can no longer be fed. It's
overblown, over-produced and just plain over. Trying to watch the
Oscars with any enthusiasm is like trying to get excited about
curling, getting your toe smashed with a hammer or going on a trip to
The problem is, like everything with Hollyweird, there's too much
emphasis on the actor and not the achievement. Hollyweird awards you
for being famous. Oscar should award you for achievement. These days,
the two are harder to separate than two frogs in a blender on puree.
The result is a four hour show with lukewarm attempts at comedy that
aren't meant to hurt anybody, sappy moments of happiness that only
three people in the world care about and an eye migraine that could
make a blow to the head with a shovel feel like a sensual scalp
massage.
So, as my gay cousin says every time he walks into my beer mirrored,
sports poster covered apartment, "Baby, this placed needs to be burned
to the ground, ground up again and re-burned and THEN it needs a
makeover. You been briefed."
First off, hire a comedian who's not afraid to roast some of the
plasticine freaks in the audience and stay the hell out of his way.
Geniuses like David Letterman and Steve Martin hosted the Oscars once
never to be invited back again while freaks of nature like Whoopi
Goldberg are moved to the top of the academy's speed dial list. The
difference is Martin and Letterman had the cajones to make fun of
Hollyweird's royalty to their faces while the others didn't, despite
the fact they didn't actually have testicles (although with Whoopi,
the jury's still out).
Next, don't broadcast any of the technical, editing or backstage
awards. You can do them all in one, big, lump sum at the beginning of
the show. Not only have you cut out layers of boring fat like what
some nerd with an editing machine thinks "Pan's Labryinth," but
you've
also eliminated about three hours of the broadcast. This allows the
viewer extra time to do more important things like grab a couple of
belts of whiskey, load his gun or sharpen his machete.
Then only allow smoking hot babes in dresses that cover 30 percent of
their bodies and require three days to get into to award the short
form, documentary and foreign film awards. This will not only garner
more interest in these lesser heard films, but it will also teach
these lesser heard directors how to make more interesting movies.
Finally, acceptance speeches do I even have to say what the problem
is here? These people win another gold paperweight and they talk
endlessly about people no one cares about for reasons we care about
even less while the orchestra tries to drown out their teary
ramblings. Don't they know that a tuba being blown into a microphone
that's hooked up to the PA system at Wrigley Field couldn't drown out
the determined tone of Susan Sarandon? Here's the rule: you have one
minute to say your piece or it's a blow dart to the neck.
So that's it. An hour long show that's easy on the eyes, soothing to
the soul and stimulating to other parts of the human anatomy. My only
hope is that someone at the Academy will at least take the time to
read my suggestions because it will prove that they actually know how
to read, something I was suspicious about when they gave "Good Will
Hunting" an award for Best Screenplay.
======================================================
"Movies that Suck" is written and was created by Danny Gallagher.
To send suggestions, criticisms or threats to the author, drop him a
line online at dannyboythezombie@gmail.com.
Visit him on the web at http://www.dannygallagher.net.
(c) 2007 by Danny Gallagher
=======================================================
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