ӿӦlt;----------The
Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿӼbr>
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
Its hockey playoff season ...nope not the NHL yet ...and as
for the NHL I have basically given up all hope of ever seeing
the Stanley Cup return to my beloved Leafs ... but it is
playoff season in Junior hockey ... The Dauphin Kings ended
up in first place in their division and we get to a few games
per year ...on Friday they played their first play off game and
after 3 periods it was all tied up ... so overtime began ... and
it didn't seem to end. By the time the Kings scored the
winning goal we had watched almost 2 full games of hockey.
They scored about 1/2 way through the 3 overtime period. That
was the longest hockey game I have ever attended ...luckily it
was a Friday night and I didn't have to get up for work the next
day. We took in game three last night and there was no
danger of overtime as we won 6 - 1. There is some joy in
Mudville. ;)
Don't forget ...I need your "Dummies" Book covers ...take a look
and see what you can create:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/dummies.shtml
">Dummies</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/dummies.shtml
Today's issue includes contributions by: Carole, JB, Rubin,.
Sherri, Tammy.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@<remove this>paulsfunhouse.com ">mailto:jokes@<remove
this>paulsfunhouse.com</a>
ӿӭ------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr> Lets start with a quickie:
[Older than you and I]
Doctor, doctor, my hair's coming out. Can you give me
something to keep it in?
Certainly - how about a paper bag?
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ӿӭ------------------LAUGHING
STALK--------------------------ӿӼbr>
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
The Heartbreak of BlackBerryitis
My BlackBerry is ruining my eyesight.
I got a new BlackBerry at work recently, and I can't
stand to be away
from it. For those of you who don't know what a BlackBerry
is, it's sort
of a mini-computer that handles your email, schedule, address book, web
browser, and even a cell phone. Some people have taken to calling them
Crackberries, because they're so addictive.
I carry mine on my belt, eagerly waiting for the little vibrating buzz
that signifies someone has sent me an important email that I absolutely
have to read right this second.
BZZZZZ!
As my BlackBerry buzzes, time slows to a crawl. My
eyes narrow, my palms
get sweaty, and the theme song from "Pale Rider," echoes in my brain.
In a flash, my hand drops to my holster like a gunfighter, and I whip
the BlackBerry out faster than Wild Bill Hickock.
("Do'nt misse
out on this grate stokc! You cna make M--ILLIONS!").
Dang. The last thing I need is to buy stock from some
mouth-breathing
spammer who thinks I'm going to invest my life's savings into an
investment this idiot can't spell. Never take financial or
pharmaceutical advice you get by email.
I blow across the top of the BlackBerry, spin it
around my finger, and
reholster it. I relax a bit, but my hand never strays
far from my belt.
Unfortunately, my BlackBerry is also wreaking havoc
on my eyesight and
attention to detail. The problem is that when I read my emails, I don't
always see every word on the screen. As a result, I sometimes miss
important information.
"Do you want to meet for coffee?" fellow humorist Dick Wolfsie wrote to
me one day.
"Sure, what day?" I tapped back.
"Let me see if this clears it up. Do you want to have coffee ON
TUESDAY."
I checked the first message. He had said Tuesday the first time.
Uh oh, I thought. Selective vision.
"I think I have BlackBerryitis," I wrote
back. "I'm missing some things
when I read my emails."
"Wow, that's too bad," Dick wrote back. "I'll take you to St.
Elmo's for
a steak for lunch."
"Cool, I haven't been to St. Elmo's in years!"
"Not St. Elmo's, picklehead.
I said 'that's too bad. I'll take a few
minutes to stop by your office with my friend Elmo. He sells steak
knives. Can you meet us after lunch?'"
I rechecked the old message. He was right. Absolutely no mention of St.
Elmo's anywhere. Which is too bad, because his friend's steak
knives
would have come in handy."
"Sorry about that," I typed back. "Looks like my BlackBerryitis is--"
Ow! A sharp pain shot through my thumb, and I nearly
dropped my beloved
PDA. Another symptom is crippling tendinitis in the
thumbs from constant
typing. I tried to look up the symptoms of BlackBerryitis
on the
BlackBerry's Internet browser, but quit after a
painful hand cramp.
That, and the browser is as slow as a dead turtle.
Painful hand cramps, I found later, are another sign of BlackBerryitis.
So I massaged my hand and looked up BlackBerryitis on
my computer. As
the pain subsided, I read up on the condition, what causes it, and what
famous celebrities use BlackBerries.
Noted rich strumpet Paris Hilton and celebrity whack job Britney Spears
are both famous for typing away on their BlackBerries
while they're out
night clubbing. So is Lindsay Lohan, whose drunken,
rambling email to
Robert Altman's family after his death made the news for several days.
I breathed a sigh of relief. My condition hasn't gotten too serious yet.
I haven't shaved my head, I still wear my underwear to parties, and I
save my drunken ramblings for late night phone calls to people from my
high school.
("So I suppose that's why I feel so strongly about that today, Principal
Seaver.")
But now my friends say I need to cut back a little bit. Quit using the
BlackBerry so much. I'm getting hooked, and depend on
it for constant
companionship.
Bull! I'm fine. I can quit anytime I want to, I just don't want to right
now. Besides, I get some pretty important emails that require an
immediate response.
BZZZZZ!
"Dear Friend, I am the son of
$25 million that I need to smuggle out of my country."
Stupid #&@%! BlackBerry.
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2007
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at
night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he
doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Hey bet you can't answer this one!
What gets longer when pulled,
Fits between your boobs,
Inserts neatly in a hole
and works best when jerked?
A SEAT BELT, get your mind out of the gutter!!!
ӿӭ----------------------QUICK
QUOTE----------------------------ӿӼbr>
"I was reading about this self help book, 'The Secret,'
written by an Australian reality producer. One fan of the
book said it stopped her panic attacks and doubled her
acupuncture business. I'm thinking, 'Who's going to go see
a panicky acupuncturist?'"
-Craig Ferguson
ӿӭ----------------------SATIRE
BY SROKA----------------------ӿӼbr>
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿӭ----------------------BACK
ISSUES-------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Back issues (or archives) can be found at:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
">Archive</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
[A Classic]
The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two
people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were
Both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who
Used the water cooler the next morning. Debra came in
the next morning
with a horrible hangover after partying All night.
She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before
But I have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you just jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit
today."
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ӿӭ----------------------DEEP
THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿӼbr>
Definition of a Boss:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when
you are early.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
DARWIN AWARD: Mole Hunt
Confirmed True by
[January 2007,
to eradicate a mole from his property resulted in a probable
victory for the mole. The man had pounded several metal rods
into the ground and connected them to a high-voltage power line,
with the intent of rendering the subterranean realm uninhabitable.
Incidentally, the maneuver electrified the very ground he stood
upon. He was found dead at his holiday property on the
Sea
venturing onto the property.
The precise date of the sexagenarian's demise could not be
ascertained, but the electricity bill may provide a clue.
References: http://DarwinAwards.com/darwin/darwin2007-01.html
ӿӭ---------------------COLUMN
PREVIEW--------------------ӿӼbr>
The Germ Freak
by Sheila Moss
Recently, while waiting in a doctor's waiting room, I was
forced by boredom to flip through one of those heath magazines
written specifically for doctor's waiting rooms. It somewhat
reminded me of a high school health education class, with a
few horrifying differences.
The magazine was about germs and how we are subjected to
viruses and other diseases in everyday life. First of all,
I found out that my desk at work is a disease-laden den of
filth. The telephone is the filthiest object in my office,
followed by my desktop and then my computer keyboard.
According to the magazine, I need to clean everything
twice with a disinfecting wipe to rid it of the germs.
It went on to tell how public restrooms are the epitome of
the disease-harboring perils in life. Fortunately, there is
practical advice on how to avoid subjecting myself to the
germs waiting there to infect me, advice such as, "Use the
first stall as it tends to be bypassed and used less,"
therefore, it has fewer germs hanging around waiting for
hapless victims.
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/germs.htm
">Sheila Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/germs.htm
ӿӭ-----------------------JELLY
MOM--------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Lisa Barker is Jelly Mom and she writes a
syndicated humor column for parents & families.
View her latest column at:
<a href=" http://www.JellyMom.com ">Jelly Mom</a>
http://www.JellyMom.com
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ӿӭ-------------------IT'S
NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿӼbr>
It seems there were two frogs sitting on a lily pad, when
all of a sudden, a fly came along. One frog put out his
tongue, ate the fly, and started laughing hysterically.
Soon the other frog joined in the laughter.
Later in the day, the other frog ate a fly and the two
frogs burst out in laughter. As time went on, the frogs
enjoyed the flies so much that the sight of a fly would
cause them to double up with pleasure (if it's possible
for frogs to double up!). But of course, the most pleasure
came when the fly was actually eaten.
A third frog hopped up to the first two and asked what was
so funny. The first frog answered "Time." "Huh?" asked the
third frog. The second frog explained:
"Time's fun when you're having flies."
ӿӭ-------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿӼbr>
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ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Gerry and Ron are in a strip joint, Ron is sitting in front of
Gerry. A woman comes on stage and starts stripping.
The guy in back, Gerry, says, "Oh yeah, Oh yeah!"
Ron turns around and says, " Hey Gerry, shut
up!"
Then two women come out and start stripping. Gerry, once
again, starts, "Yeah baby..mmmm....yeah!"
Once again Ron turns around and tells Gerry to be quiet. So
three women come out and start stripping. Gerry is silent.
So Ron says, "Hey Gerry, where's all your excitement now?"
Gerry says, "All over your back!"
ӿӭ------------------------WEIRD
NEWS---------------------------ӿӼbr>
for an angry moose. Instead of slowing down after being shot with
a tranquilizer dart, a moose charged a hovering helicopter used by
a wildlife biologist, damaging the aircraft's tail rotor and
forcing it to the ground. Neither the pilot nor the biologist was
injured, but the moose was maimed by the spinning rotor and had to
be euthanized, wildlife officials said.
"It just had to be one of those quirky circumstance.
Even dealing
with bears and goats and moose and wolves, this is pretty unusual
and truly a very unique situation," said Doug Larsen, regional
supervisor for the Division of Wildlife Conservation.
Biologist Kevin White was aboard the chartered helicopter for a
study of moose. He shot the animal with a tranquilizer dart, Larsen
said, and the pilot maneuvered the helicopter to keep the animal
from slipping into a tight space or collapsing in water and
drowning. "The moose would start to move, and then the helicopter
would back off and try to keep the moose out in the open," Larsen
said.
But instead of moving toward open space, the moose charged the
helicopter. "As the animal got closer and closer to going down, an
animal sort of loses its thinking -- its ability to rationalize
what's in its best interest," Larsen said.
Weird News is a feature of this ezine...it contains a previously
published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see
here..please send the
article, name of the publication and date to
this ezine.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
My wife and I were lunching at a sidewalk cafe in
Our waitress looked like a real surfer girl - athletic with a great
tan and blond hair. Mulling over the menu, my wife asked her if the
roast beef was rare. The waitress gave us a long blank look, then
replied, "Well, no - we have it, like, just about every day."
ӿӭ---------------------DAILY
SNOPE--------------------------------ӿӼbr>
All the info that is fit to print ...
The Daily Snope is a comical look
at the days news!
Todays Top Story:
Procter & Gamble Suing Utah Company for 'Satan' Remarks
(KUTV-TV [Salt Lake City])
Consumer products giant Procter & Gamble says a Utah company spread
false rumors that P&G is associated with Satanism. Procter & Gamble
is suing the company for libel and unfair competition.
<a href=" http://www.snopes.com/daily/
">Daily Snope</a>
http://www.snopes.com/daily/
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
My wife and I were having serious difficulties in our
marriage.
I came home from work one day, and she said, "We need to talk."
She said, "Our sex life is in a lot of trouble."
I replied, "Yes it is."
She said to me, "Please, tell me all your sexual fantasies."
And my answer to her was, "Why, you're not in any of them."
With that she went to divorce court.
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ӿӭ--------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
The swallow.
ӿӭ--------------------DANNY
GALLAGHER---------------------------ӿӼbr>
[My buddy Danny didn't quite make his deadline so I am running
one of his earlier columns from prior to his arrival in Pooh-Bah's
Adult Humour Ezine]
"The Pirate Movie" OR "This Film Has Been Rated 'Arrrrr' for 'Arrrrrnoying'"
Arrrr, mateys. This be the
opening weekend of the new "Pirates of the Carribbean,"
one of the most sought after treasures of the summer since word got out that
Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee made a sex tape.
It be a treasure chest of adventure, booty, grog,
booty, swords, more booty and Keira Knightly and her
doubloons. Arrr, so step aboard and get ready to walk
the plank and load the cannons and hoist the wenches and have your way with the
anchor andalright, I'll stop.
Sorry, but I can't get pirate speak out of me (sorry, my) head. I've never been
afraid to let my geek flag fly, except this time, it
has a Jolly Roger on it. I'm actually excited about seeing a movie. And who
would have ever thought that it would be about pirates? I figured the chances
would be better of me being excited of seeing "The Notorious Bettie
Paige" starring Kathy Bates.
Everyone around me even wants to see this movie. I know that because everywhere
I go, people are talking like pirates. And they do it with great glee. They do
it like they think they are the first person who came up with the idea of
talking like a pirate. If you think about it, it's a brilliant way to advertise
a movie because if anybody could hire an advertising company to spike the local
water supplies with speech-altering drugs, it's Disney.
But it's so infectious that I'm hearing it wherever I go.
I'm hearing it at the office. "Arrr, matey, do ye mind giving a land lubber a safe passage to
the local Conoco? Me trusty ship needs supplies and I
could go fer a tasty Caffeine Free Diet Grog."
I'm hearing it on the news. "Avast, this be just in. Cases of the bird scurvy have been spotted off
the port bow of
And no matter how much I drink, I can't even zone it out at the bar. "Ahoy young wench! What be yer
sign? How'd ye like to go back to your ship and let me swab your poopdeck?"
People think they're being cute and comical and facetious (a big word meaning
"@#*$ing annoying"), but they're only
increasing man's primal urge to bash them in the head with something heavy.
This movie speak usually comes and goes with the big hits. Remember when
"Austin Powers" was all the rage and people told each other to
"Oh, behave" with every breath they took? Remember when "
This time, it got so bad that it almost ruined my taste for the movie. People
don't realize they are just advertising for the movie and they aren't being
paid for it. And this one is worse because it's like a catchphrase run amok
that can be altered into every type of conversation. Imagine if advertising
agencies paid everyone you knew to slip the phrase "Show me the money!"
into every sentence they uttered. Not only would you not want to see
"Jerry McGuire," but you'd also be looking at 10-20 years for
manslaughter depending on what caliber gun you own.
So get in line, buy your ticket, take your seat, enjoy the ride and put a stop to the pirate speak. Savvy?
Written and created by Danny Gallagher.
Visit him on the web at http://www.dannygallagher.net.
ӿӭ--------------------------CLASSIFIED
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