ӿӦlt;----------The
Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿӼbr>
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
Here is something special for you that I have not done for a long
time ... a completely AD-FREE issue of Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour
Ezine. Hopefully you appreciate this issue and the next time
around you will give an extra click to some of my great sponsors
who keep this ezine going. Without those sponsors and your
clicks this would NOT be possible.
Two other things I want to tell you about ...I found a great
website that gives away (yes I said GIVES AWAY) full
versions of two pieces of software a day. One of the softwares
is a game and the other is an application. I have been checking
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on as many computers as you wish as long as you do it that day.
The site is called:
<a href=" http://www.giveawayoftheday.com
">Give Away of the Day</a>
http://www.giveawayoftheday.com
ITS FREE and fun ...check it out.
And secondly ... a couple of issues back I told you that I was looking
for "Dummies" books and got very little response ...so I am giving
you another chance to showcase your talents ... just visit:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/dummies.shtml
">Dummies</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/dummies.shtml
And you can create your own cover and send it to me ...the best
ones will end up on my website.
Today's issue includes contributions by: Michael, Jaonie,
JB, Keli,
Tammy, Sherri, Carole.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@<remove this>paulsfunhouse.com ">mailto:jokes@<remove
this>paulsfunhouse.com</a>
ӿӭ------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr> Lets start with a quickie:
What do a 9-Volt battery and a woman's asshole have in common?
You know you shouldn't but you just have to lick it!
ӿӭ------------------LAUGHING
STALK--------------------------ӿӼbr>
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
Confessions of a Four Eyes
"Daddy, how old were you when you got your glasses?" my oldest
daughter
asked.
"Six."
"How old are you now?"
"Thirty-nine."
My daughter stared at me, amazed that we had vision correction
technology all the way back in the early '70s.
"So you've worn glasses for 33 years?"
"Pretty much."
My daughter had just gotten her first pair of glasses that day, and was
still getting used to them. More importantly, she was still trying to
wrap her brain around the idea that she'll have to wear them until she's
old. Thirty-three years is forever to a child.
"They still feel funny," she said.
"After a while you'll forget they're even there."
"Everything looks weird too."
"Don't look at them, look through them."
Judging by her expression, I had either said something profoundly
stupid, or her glasses were sliding down her nose. She was getting the
hang of them already.
"Think of your glasses like a window. You don't look at the glass, you
look through the glass to see outside. So don't look at your lenses,
look past them."
She nodded. I had just gotten my own glasses repaired the previous week,
after my four-year-old son gave me a "
call a head butt -- and broke my glasses. He thought I had made some
disparaging remark about Robert the Bruce, and let me have it.
"Oh, and remember to keep them safe. Put them in their case when you're
not wearing them and don't play rough when you
have them on," I warned.
"And don't say anything to your brother about the Battle of
Culloden."
She made that face again. "I'll be careful."
I continued, "There's one more thing thing you
have to watch out for.
Don't let it bother you when kids call you Four Eyes."
"Why would they do that?"
Uh oh, I thought. Too late to put those worms back in the can.
"Well, uhh, that is, uhh.
. ."
"Kids aren't that mean nowadays," my wife said.
"Yeah, whatever," I said, rolling my eyes. "Kids are
jerks."
"But I don't have four eyes," my daughter said in that trusting,
innocent tone that I was about to ruin for the rest of her childhood.
"It doesn't matter. When I got my first set of glasses, some kids in my
class teased me and called me Four Eyes. They thought it was funny to
call any kid with glasses Four Eyes."
"And Poindexter. Don't forget Poindexter," said
my wife.
"They never called me Poindexter."
"Nerd?"
"No."
"Geek? Spaz?"
"No! Would you just stop it? You're not helping."
"Fine, don't get your bowels in an uproar. . . Poindexter."
"So what happened to those kids?"
"My teacher told them to stop."
"And did they?"
I forgot for a moment that my daughter was home schooled, and thus
realized what little moral authority teachers actually have when it
comes to playground behavior.
"Well, no. She was about as useless as a foam hammer."
"What did you do?"
"I finally got used to it after the first four years. I got in a few
fights, which was hard, because I had to take my glasses off to fight.
So I couldn't actually see who I was supposed to be fighting until I got
within arm's reach. That caused its own
problems."
"So should I fight the kids who call me Four Eyes?"
"Well. . ."
"NO!" my wife interrupted.
"It finally got better when the worst one of the bunch, David Shane, got
his own set of glasses. He got really mad when I kept calling him Four
Eyes, but he finally quit. He fought meaner than anyone, so they all
quit calling people Four Eyes after that."
"So should I make fun of kids who make fun of me?"
"Only if they're fat or dress funny."
"No, you should not!" my wife said. "Just ignore them."
I scoffed so hard I nearly choked. "Doesn't work.
I tried ignoring those
kids like my own mother told me, but it's hard to ignore some little
punk who keeps poking you in the back of the head going 'hey Four Eyes,
hey Four Eyes.'"
"So what do I do?"
I tried to recall a little pearls of wisdom from my own childhood --
They're just teasing you because they're jealous. They pick on you
because they like you. If they make fun of you, they're not your real
friends -- and discarded them just as quickly.
Then I remembered the one benefit that glasses like mine afforded me. I
leaned over and whispered so only my daughter could
hear me.
"Keep your glasses on and challenge them to an eye-poking contest."
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2007
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at
night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he
doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called my friend Richard,
the computer geek, to come over. Richard clicked a couple of buttons and
solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was
walking away, I called after him, "Yo, what was
wrong?"
He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T
error? What's that .. in case
I need to fix it again?"
Richard grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
before?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it
out."
So I wrote down. I D 1 0 T ....IDIOT....
I used to like Richard
ӿӭ----------------------QUICK
QUOTE----------------------------ӿӼbr>
"What's the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector?
Well, for one thing, a taxidermist only takes your skin."
-Mark Twain
ӿӭ----------------------SATIRE
BY SROKA----------------------ӿӼbr>
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿӭ----------------------BACK
ISSUES-------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Back issues (or archives) can be found at:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
">Archive</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article
about life and death statistics.
Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and said, "Did
you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?"
"Really!?" he said, "Have you tried mouthwash?"
ӿӭ----------------------DEEP
THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿӼbr>
Money is not everything.
There's MasterCard & Visa.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been
waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept
golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper.
Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're
rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire
fighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for
them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
ӿӭ---------------------COLUMN
PREVIEW--------------------ӿӼbr>
I'll Show You
by Lisa Barker
Does anybody else have a kid or two bent on showing you
who is the boss?
I've got a very bright eight-year old who 'has a
problem
with authority'. He only respects the sergeant voice. I
do use my sergeant voice...but there ARE times when I
can hear myself begin to whine especially when I have
to stand my ground with this child for the UPTEENTH
time.
These are all the excuses he gives me when he doesn't
want to pay attention to what I have to say. Suddenly,
I find the same excuses coming out of MY mouth with
regard to HIM.
So two weeks ago we are shopping for clothes for the kids.
It's our yearly duty. I have to postpone it to an annual
event because there just isn't money all those other times--
when the sales are even better.
More?...
<a href=" http://www.jellymom.com/AtStore/Show_You.php
">Lisa Barker</a>
http://www.jellymom.com/AtStore/Show_You.php
ӿӭ-------------------IT'S
NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿӼbr>
I went to a fine restaurant yesterday that's famous for it's
gigantic salad plates. They feature a number of the standard
dressings as well as several exotic and unusual ones. When there's
a salad bar I usually take samples of several dressing types and
distribute them onto different areas of my salad plate. With the
exception of ranch, I enjoy most salad dressings equally well,
and I'm always a bit befuddled when the waiter asks me to chose
just one. This time I boldly suggested that perhaps he could
merely provide me with a small dash of each type of available
salad dressing so that I might experience some of each. "Ahh,
ha!," he replied, "You want 'The Works!'" "Well, yes,"
I replied,
"except for the ranch dressing. I really don't care for that. Please
don't throw a ranch into the works."
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A high-school senior was filling in a college scholarship
application. When one form asked for extracurricular
activities, the student answered: "Wrestling." The next
question on the application required a list of positions
held, to which he replied: "Pinned mostly."
ӿӭ------------------------WEIRD
NEWS---------------------------ӿӼbr>
[I am heading for
farmers to stop feeding their cows cannabis. Several recent
adverts have promoted feeding hemp to farm animals even after
a March 2005 law banning its use. The Agriculture Ministry has
now warned that farmers doping their cows will be prosecuted.
Farmers consider the cheap and easy to grow plant is good for
their cows. They believe the active ingredient in cannabis, THC,
makes cows happy and produce more milk, but the Agriculture
Ministry say THC can get into the milk and create a health
risk. They also said that there was a risk that Swiss cheese
products could be contaminated.
Weird News is a feature of this ezine...it contains a previously
published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see
here..please send the
article, name of the publication and date to
this ezine.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
This man dies and goes to Hell. He is not very happy
about this, so he
goes to see the devil himself, to ask him if it is possible to go upstairs
instead.
Well, the devil replies, you are scheduled to leave here in 1,000,000
years, but I have a special offer this week. If you can go to bed with my
mother-in-law and keep her happy for 24 hours straight, you'll get out
in 100,000 years. If you can keep her happy for 48 hours straight, you'll
get out in 1000 years. If you last 72 hours, you are free to go.
The man thinks about this, and decides that it is worth a shot. He
follows the devil until he comes to a room. Inside he sees the devil's
mother-in-law, who is the most sickening sight he ever saw. He can
hardly see where her warts end and she begins. Fighting back nausea, he begins
on his mission.
The devil himself keeps watch at the door. After 24 hours the man is
still going strong, after 48 hours still no sight of him. The minute the 72
hours has elapsed the door opens and the man falls
out, totally exhausted.
Before the devil can say or do anything, the man rises, grabs the devil by the
collar, and says, "Why you.. You.. You ... This is unfair. While I was
busy humping your mother-in-law, I noticed a hole in the wall. When I looked
through it, I saw my worst enemy in bed with the most beautiful woman I
ever saw. Why on earth is he getting special treatment?"
The devil looks at the man and says, "I am fair, there are also women
who want to get out of Hell."
ӿӭ---------------------DAILY
SNOPE--------------------------------ӿӼbr>
All the info that is fit to print ...
The Daily Snope is a comical look
at the days news!
Todays Top Story:
Robbers Using Hot Drinks as Weapons (Associated Press)
Instead of a gun, convenience store clerks have been attacked
with fiery hot drinks in a series of recent robberies.
<a href=" http://www.snopes.com/daily/
">Daily Snope</a>
http://www.snopes.com/daily/
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A husband reading a newspaper says to his wife, "You know,
honey, I think there might be some real merit to what this article
says, that the intelligence of a father often proves a stumbling
block to the son."
"Well, thank heaven," said the wife, "at least our James has
nothing standing in his way."
ӿӭ--------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing
business, and one of the hookers said,
"Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the
air."
The other hooker looked at her and said, "No, I just burped."
ӿӭ--------------------DANNY
GALLAGHER---------------------------ӿӼbr>
[Danny is taking a little time off ...look for his return next week]
Written and created by Danny Gallagher.
Visit him on the web at http://www.dannygallagher.net.
ӿӭ--------------------------CLASSIFIED
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