ӿӦlt;----------The
Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿӼbr>
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
Wow isn't this a day ....first off Happy Valentine's Day to all the lovers
and wanna-bee lovers out there...no matter who you
love ...take the
time today to say "I love you" at least once ... and if you are very
lucky ...say it a few times. ;)
And if Valentine's Day wasn't enough ...this issue marks my EIGHTH year
of publishing! Wow ...how about that! In the past eight years what
has changed for you? Lots has changed for me and
I have met
thousands of people because of this ezine. I never imagined that I would
last this long and still be doing this ...but guess what ...I am and hopefully
you enjoy each issue as much as the last one. So raise a glass and lets
all have a toast to another eight years! ;)
And finally for today ...I am about to propose a new reality TV to FOX ...and
this one will be a hit because so many possible contestants are out there:
"I Am The Father Of Anna Nicole Smith's Baby" ... think about it
...there
are so many possibilities ...think of the challenges we could put those
prospective dads through ... and the payoff ...well I guess eventually it
would be the billions of dollars that the baby will be worth! You do have
to admit that it is a good idea ... a very sad situation ...who'd
thunk!
Today's issue includes contributions by: Ron, Gina, Kramer, Tammy,
Sherri, Rubin, Keli, JB.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@<remove this>paulsfunhouse.com ">mailto:jokes@<remove
this>paulsfunhouse.com</a>
ӿӭ------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr> Lets start with a quickie:
What did Bill Gate's wife say to him on their wedding night?
Now I know why you called your company Microsoft!
ӿӭ-----------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿӼbr> Today's issue is brought to you by:
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ӿӭ------------------LAUGHING
STALK--------------------------ӿӼbr>
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
The Three Phases of Parenting
Erik Deckers
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2007
Erik is out of the office this week, so we are reprinting this column
from 2005.
I recently became a proud father for the third time, and although I love
and adore my new son, I've noticed my standards for obsessive care and
compulsive hovering have lowered quite a bit.
Most new parents agonize over every little detail about what's best for
their child, but they relax significantly after the second and even
third child comes along.
My own constant worrying and stress has decreased to the point where my
blood pressure is nearly normal, and I think my hair is growing back.
And after analyzing the charts and graphs that every new parent keeps, I
think I've discovered a pattern in every facet of child raising.
Your typical three-child family goes through three distinct phases, the
obsessive phase, the careful phase, and the lax phase, also known as the
"Where did she go?!" "Have you seen her?" and "Do I
know you?" phases.
You can tell the single-child from the three-child families just by how
they react to certain issues that may arise during early childhood. Here
are a few examples.
Names
First Child: Your name was inspired by a woman of royalty. She was
loved by millions
Second Child: Your name was inspired by a beloved member of the family.
Everyone loved her.
Third Child: Your name was inspired by my favorite professional
wrestler. He could beat the crap out of anybody.
Holding the new baby
First Child: We're the only ones who can hold her.
Second Child: You can hold her, but you have to wash your hands first.
Third Child: Someone please hold this kid for me!
Food and Feeding
First Child: I will feed you only pesticide-free organic foods that
I've prepared by hand in a carefully-sanitized kitchen.
Second Child: I will feed you regular baby food that
don't have
preservatives or additives.
Third Child: Do you want corn dogs or chili dogs for breakfast?
Safety
First Child: Don't run in the house. You could fall and hurt yourself.
Second Child: Don't run with scissors.
Third Child: Don't play with Daddy's good chainsaw.
Toys
First Child: I will give you toys that are fun AND educational.
Second Child: I will give you toys that give you hours of
entertainment.
Third Child: How many times do I have to tell you, wear safety goggles
when you're using my table saw?!
Sleeping/Naps
First Child: You need to go to bed by
Second Child: You need to go to bed by
Third Child: It's
done.
Clothes
First Child: It's a little chilly. Put on your jacket, a hat, gloves,
and a scarf.
Second Child: It's a little chilly. Put on a sweater.
Third Child: Did we forget your pants again?
Potty training
First Child: We'll start her potty training when she's two-and-a-half.
Second Child: She'll let us know when she's ready to start potty
training.
Third Child: He'll figure it out by the time he gets to high school.
Television watching
First Child: You can watch one hour of educational TV per day.
Second Child: You can watch two hours of regular TV per day.
Third Child: My TV is broken, can I watch yours?
Bathing
First Child: Your baths will be a mixture of sparkling spring water and
pasteurized milk with essential oils
Second Child: Your baths will be a mixture of warm water and baby oil
Third Child: We'll hose you off in the backyard twice a week.
Education
First Child: You're going to get the finest education we can provide.
Second Child: You're going to get the finest education we can provide.
Third Child: Go ask your know-it-all sisters.
Music
First Child: Turn that crap down!
Second Child: Turn that crap down!
Third Child: Why can't you listen to something decent, like your
sisters do.
Illness
First Child: Oh my God!! A temperature of 100?!
Rush her to the
hospital!
Second Child: A temperature of 100? Give her some children's Motrin.
Third Child: I'm not doing anything until he starts projectile
vomiting.
Living at home
First Child: You can live here as long as you want.
Second Child: Wouldn't you like to get your own place after college?
Third Child: What are you still doing here?
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2007
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at
night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he
doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Husband tells his wife "I'll bet you cannot
tell me something that will make me happy and sad at
the same time!"
"Sure I can", says the wife, "Your penis is bigger than
the mailman's!"
----
A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the wife said,
"I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at
the same time".
The husband thought for a few moments, then said,
"Your pussy is tighter than your
sister's".
ӿӭ----------------------QUICK
QUOTE----------------------------ӿӼbr>
I'm so ugly... My mother had morning sickness... AFTER I was
born.
-Rodney Dangerfield
ӿӭ----------------------SATIRE
BY SROKA----------------------ӿӼbr>
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿӭ----------------------BACK
ISSUES-------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Back issues (or archives) can be found at:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
">Archive</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her
fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to take
up yoga.
She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally. Her
friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.
"No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I
bite them instead."
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ӿӭ----------------------DEEP
THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿӼbr>
THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Little Johnny's mother was about to have a baby. One day
the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked, he asked
his mother what was the hair in between her legs?
She responded, "It's my washcloth".
Weeks later after the mother had the baby, Little Johnny walked
in on his mother again, but while she was in the hospital the
doctor shaved her pubic hair, and the boy asked his mother:
"What happened to your washcloth?"
The mother responded, "I lost it".
Little Johnny, trying to be helpful, set out to find his
mother's
washcloth. A few days later the Little Johnny went running to his
mother yelling and screaming, "I found your washcloth!"
The mother thinking that the child was just playing went along
with Johnny and asked, "Where did you find it?"
Little Johnny answered, "The maid has it and she's washing daddy's face
with it."
ӿӭ---------------------COLUMN
PREVIEW--------------------ӿӼbr>
From Your Valentine
by Sheila Moss
Why is it that we take everything that is good and try our best
to turn it into something that is marketable? Take Valentine's
Day for instance. What is intended to be is a simple declaration
of one person's love for another. But somehow, just saying,
"I love you" isn't enough any more.
All of this hoopla started, according to legend, when St.
Valentine, who was in jail at the time for marrying couples
against the orders of the Roman Emperor, sent a letter to the
jailer's daughter before he was executed and signed it, "From
Your Valentine."
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/valentine.htm
">Sheila Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/valentine.htm
ӿӭ-----------------------JELLY
MOM--------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Lisa Barker is Jelly Mom and she writes a
syndicated humor column for parents & families.
View her latest column at:
<a href=" http://www.JellyMom.com ">Jelly Mom</a>
http://www.JellyMom.com
ӿӭ-------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿӼbr>
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ӿӭ-------------------IT'S
NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿӼbr>
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Who's there?
Anna Nicole.
Anna Nicole who?
Anna Nicole Anna Nicole equals a dime.
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ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
[A Classic!]
Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?
Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to
sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he
could spend the night.!
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father,
"Who is that man going into the barn?"
"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a
place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep
in the barn."
The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared
him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing
disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed
she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested
that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of
wine, took it out to the barn,! And she too did not
return
for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned
incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and
continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was
gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even
saying goodbye," she cried. "We made
such passionate love
last night!"
"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the
house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the
mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You
had sex with my daughter!"
The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his
hand next to his mouth, and yelled out,
"LAIDTHEOLAIDEETOO!"
ӿӭ------------------------WEIRD
NEWS---------------------------ӿӼbr>
A German hunter hit a washing machine, electric drier and the
wall before finally killing a wild pig that was on the rampage
in a house. The pig had run into the communal wash room of a
house in Ketzerbachtal in
and clothing. Attempts to drive it out of the house failed and
hunter Walter Kopinger, 57 was called to kill the
animal. Because
of the confined space he used a Magnum 357 rather than his rifle
but still only managed to hit the animal after several shots.
Weird News is a feature of this ezine...it contains a previously
published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see
here..please send the
article, name of the publication and date to
this ezine.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
WOMAN'S POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door ,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend
MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns
a big screen TV, a liquor store and a golf course. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
ӿӭ---------------------DAILY
SNOPE--------------------------------ӿӼbr>
All the info that is fit to print ...
The Daily Snope is a comical look
at the days news!
Todays Top Story:
$6 Million in Cocaine Found in TV Sets (Associated Press)
Authorities found $6 million worth of cocaine hidden in television
sets and cushioned with diapers inside a truck during a traffic stop.
<a href=" http://www.snopes.com/daily/
">Daily Snope</a>
http://www.snopes.com/daily/
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
One day a small boy was at school. In Social Studies class
his teacher was talking about peoples last names, about
how in the old days their last name used to be their
occupation. She gave examples like Baker, which meant
they where a baker for a living, Miller meant that
person worked in a mill, and so on.
Then the little boy raised his hand and the teacher
said "Do you have an example for the class?"
He said " Not really, more of a question."
"Well what's your question?" the teacher asked.
"Well," said the little boy, " What did
John Hancock
do for a living?"
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ӿӭ--------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Sign on condom machine in Men's Room:
"Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber."
ӿӭ--------------------DANNY
GALLAGHER---------------------------ӿӼbr>
MOVIES THAT SUCK
BY DANNY GALLAGHER
"Bye Bye Love"
OR
"Bye Bye Happiness, Hello Loneliness I Think I'm
Gonna Cry"
People who spend their lives inserting insipid clich鳠in
their
conversations and Hollyweird screenwriters have said
people don't know
what love is until they lose it.
Well, define lose.
Are we talking about a "walks out on your sorry ass with your car
keys, your AC/DC T-shirt and your Jack Daniels sports bottle while
you're working a double shift at Jack in the Box" loss?
Are we talking about a "leaves you a Dear John letter that tacked to
the wall with a rusty fishing knife and written in the blood of your
pet dog Scruffy" loss?
Are we talking about an "answers the question 'Do you take this man to
be your lawfully wedding husband?' with a saucy 'Bitch you must be
tripping" loss?
No offense, but you don't know the loss of a loved one. I'm talking a
"torn limb from limb before being smashed into oblivion by a large
wrecking ball" loss.
In case you haven't figured it out, trying reading more.
I'm talking about my all time favorite movie theater. It was the
screens in the dingiest buildings your eyes ever had the misfortune of
looking at. The thing looked like it was held together with old gum
and hope.
The lobby looked exactly like the lobby of a KOA Kampground.
Tall
plants sat in corners. The box office was just a counter. It even had
that cheap wood paneling on the walls and the concession stand counter
had 1950's retro kitchen countertop tiling that looked like it was
designed by someone with celebral palsey
and a Spirograph.
You went from this tiny lobby into a massive theater that to a kid
seemed like the Roman colosseum except with more
empty popcorn boxes
on the floor and some kind of white gooey substance that you prayed to
God was an old Sno Cap.
The seats looked like they were designed by an evil chiropractor. If
you were lucky enough to get a seat that folded down the whole way,
you had to watch the movie sitting at a 90 degree angle on old seats
with chunks of cushion ripped out of them because of that crummy
yellow foam that you prayed with always that color.
And there were no cupholders on the end of the arm
rests. You held the
drink with your hand or you put it in your lap causing a massive
amount of shrinkage for the guys and an amazing amount of
embarrassment for the girls. Either way, you were scarred for the rest
of your juvenile life.
And they had absolutely no leg room. If someone had to go to the
bathroom and cross in front of you, you had to literally stand up
straight, which would cause every row behind you to berate you until
you sat down. If you wanted to put one leg over the other while you
watched the film, you either had to find a way to unhook the base of
your spine or put your head in your lap, which explained why so many
guys went their on first dates.
In other words, it was perfect. Damn I need a woman.
======================================================
"Movies that Suck" is written and was created by Danny Gallagher.
To send suggestions, criticisms or threats to the author, drop him a
line online at dannyboythezombie@gmail.com.
Visit him on the web at http://www.dannygallagher.net.
(c) 2007 by Danny Gallagher
=======================================================
Visit him on the web at http://www.dannygallagher.net.
ӿӭ--------------------------CLASSIFIED
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