ӿӦlt;----------The
Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿӼbr>
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
Last week's issue never got sent ...I was working on it when
I came down with a bug and ended up spending three days
in bed. So this issue is two weeks in the making! ;)
Ok here is something fun for you to do ...no prizes...just
glory! ;) Create your own "Dummies" book cover and send
me the code for it and I will feature the best ones on my web
site. Take a look at my initial creation here:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/dummies.shtml
">Dummies</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/dummies.shtml
Now create your own right here:
<a href=" http://www.commentyou.com/Generators/For-Dummies/
">Comment You</a>
http://www.commentyou.com/Generators/For-Dummies/
The best ones will get space on my website and I will list them
in an upcoming issue! Please send me just the code that is
created on that page. Have fun with it...be creative and lets
see what great minds we have!
Today's issue includes contributions by: Keli, Ron, Sherri, Carole,
JB, Rubin, Susie.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@<remove
this>paulsfunhouse.com ">mailto:jokes@<remove this>paulsfunhouse.com</a>
ӿӭ------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Lets start with a quickie:
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
ӿӭ-----------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
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ӿӭ------------------LAUGHING
STALK--------------------------ӿӼbr>
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
Half a Fish Tale
"Shh! Be quiet or you'll scare the fish away."
"Because fish can hear sounds outside the water."
"Yes, Honey, like thumping the boat."
"Yes, like your sister did."
"I know she did it too. You both did. That's why I said to stop."
"But they can still hear, even underwater."
"Because they have ears."
"No, not ears like ours."
"Yes, Sweetie, that would look pretty silly."
"They look like little holes up near the top of their head, slightly
behind their eyes."
"We didn't bring your brother because he's too young to go fishing. He's
with Mommy. I thought it would be fun if it was just the three of us."
"Well, he can't swim, for one thing."
"I know you're all wearing life vests. But I don't want to have to watch
three kids in a boat while we're trying to catch fish."
"Because trying to keep you from fighting at home is hard enough. I
don't want the added problem of water safety too."
"Because it's -- Hey, Honey, you got a bite!"
"Set the hook."
"No, don't set the pole down. Yank on it."
"Harder."
"Oh no, it got away."
"No, Honey, don't cry."
"You did fine. That was great."
"Don't worry, we'll catch some."
"Because sometimes fish don't get a good bite on the hook, so when you
set the hook, it pulls out of his mouth."
"No, we can't keep the fish as a pet."
"We're not catching goldfish."
"Bass."
"Because they're too big to fit in the fish bowl."
"They're about 12 inches long, and they weigh two pounds."
"You eat them."
"What do you mean, yuck?"
"You like fish."
"Yes you do. You like it when Mommy makes salmon, right?"
"Salmon are fish."
"They are too!"
"I have an idea. Let's -- Sweetie, you got a bite! Set the hook!"
"Great, now reel him in."
"I don't know if he's a boy fish. I call all fish he."
"I don't know. I just -- keep cranking!"
"Wow, look at that one. Good job, Sweetie. Okay, I'll net him -- uhh,
her."
"You take her off the hook. Do you have your needle nose pliers?"
"Good. Got your glove?"
"What do you mean, real fisherman don't wear gloves?"
"Says who?"
"Oh, he did, did he? Well, you just tell Grandpa that he can just --
hey, I got a bite!"
"Let's reel this bad boy in here"
"No Honey, he's not a bad boy. He's just a fish."
"Because my fish is a boy fish."
"No, Honey, not like Nemo."
"No, we're not eating Nemo."
"Because Nemo is an ocean fish, for one thing. Bass are lake fish."
"Sweetie, I'm busy at the moment. Can you take your own fish off the
hook?"
"What do you mean, you did?"
"Already? Wow, that's fast."
"Here he comes. Almost there."
"No, I don't want the net."
"I'll just grab him."
"Alright, her. Where's my glove?"
"What do you mean, back there?"
"Why didn't you tell me it fell in the water?"
"Never mind, I know a trick."
"Here he com--"
"Stop laughing."
"No, it's not, it's a wood fish."
"Those aren't leaves, they're fins."
"Alright, alright, it's a branch."
"Yes, I know that's not a fish."
"It's not that funny."
"Lots of people catch branches."
"Sure they do. I remember one time I caught a branch, and it was
thi-i-i-is big! I brought it home and built a desk out of it."
"No, not really. Whenever I catch a branch, I just throw it back."
"No, Honey, that wasn't a lie. It's a fish tale."
"That's when a fisherman exaggerates about the size of the fish he
caught."
"Because it's not a lie."
"Because it's not."
"It just -- Hey, Honey, you got a bite! Set the hook. Yank on it like I
showed you."
"Good job. Keep reeling him in."
"Sorry, her."
"Sweetie, would you help your sister take the fish off the hook?"
"Please?"
"But I lost my glove."
"But, but. . . fine, I'll do it."
"Let me get ahold of it. . . right here under the gills. . .Ewwwwww!
It's SLIMY!!"
"Man, the things I do for you girls. Just remember this when you want to
get your driver's licenses."
"Okay, we're going to be out here for a while. What do you want to talk
about?"
"Babies?! Uhh, I think that's something you should talk to Mommy
about."
"Because I think that's a conversation every Mommy should have with her
daughters."
"Because I don't -- oh look, I got a bite."
"Yes, I did."
"What do you mean, the pole's not bending?"
"Well, it's a super strong pole. It doesn't bend that easily."
"Shh! Don't talk, or you'll scare the fish away."
"Especially about that."
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2007
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will
prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep
after you hit the snooze button.
2. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives,
then you will be afraid to cough.
3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables
by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
4. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet
seat by simply using the sink.
5. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself
and bleed for a three minutes, thus reducing the pressure
in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
6. Have a bad headache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and
you will forget about the headache.
ӿӭ----------------------QUICK
QUOTE----------------------------ӿӼbr>
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you
sleep good?' I said, 'No, I made a few mistakes.'"
-Steven Wright
ӿӭ----------------------SATIRE
BY SROKA----------------------ӿӼbr>
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿӭ----------------------BACK
ISSUES-------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Back issues (or archives) can be found at:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
">Archive</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A guy goes over to his brother's house all bruised and his clothes
torn.
His brother says, "Man, where have you been?"
"I just got back from burying my mother-in-law"
"How did you get all bruised and your clothes torn from burying your
mother-in-law?"
"She wouldn't lie still!!"
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ӿӭ----------------------DEEP
THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿӼbr>
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A Kentucky couple, both certified rednecks, had nine
children. They went to the doctor to see about getting
the husband "fixed."
The doctor gladly started the required procedure and
asked them what finally made them make the decision
--why after nine children, would they choose to do this.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article
that one out of every ten children being born in the
States
on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could
speak Spanish.
ӿӭ---------------------COLUMN
PREVIEW--------------------ӿӼbr>
The Starving Artist Art Sale
by Sheila Moss
"Starving Artist Art Sale this weekend. Real oil paintings at
bargain prices!" Okay, I'll admit it. I was sucked in by a
television commercial. Usually, I just ignore this stuff.
I know the art isn't really "art," just cheap imitations.
Besides, all art snobs know you should buy art first and decorate
around it --- not buy a painting because it goes with your sofa.
But . . . I've really been thinking that I'd like to do something
different in the living room. Ever since the great moving episode
last summer, one wall has not looked right. I don't have anything
else to do, and it doesn't cost anything just to look.
"Want to go to the Starving Artist show this weekend?" I asked my
honey.
"Huh?"
Actually, he likes art, so I didn't have to twist his arm too hard
to convince him.
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/artsale.htm ">Sheila
Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/artsale.htm
ӿӭ-----------------------JELLY
MOM--------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Lisa Barker is Jelly Mom and she writes a
syndicated humor column for parents & families.
View her latest column at:
<a href=" http://www.JellyMom.com
">Jelly Mom</a>
http://www.JellyMom.com
ӿӭ-------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿӼbr>
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">eBook</a>
ӿӭ-------------------IT'S
NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿӼbr>
I was driving my car down a side street the other day when all of
a sudden this cat jumped out in front of me. I hit the brakes, but
I heard a thump, so I stopped.
There was the cat lying right in the road. It was still alive,
but I apparently had run over its tail and the force of the
tire had cut it off.
A lady came running out of a house screaming, "you killed my cat!"
I told her, "No, he's O. K., except for the tail, and I'll fix that."
I went into the trunk of my car and got out a roll of duct tape
and taped the cat's tail back on.
The lady immediately blushed and called the cops. A cop showed
up and immediately gave me a ticket.
Boy, was I pissed off. I had to go to court, and was convicted.
What a bummer. All for retailing pussy in a residential area...
ӿӭ-------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿӼbr>
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ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man ONLY needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring a six pack of beers
ӿӭ------------------------WEIRD
NEWS---------------------------ӿӼbr>
Police in LA arrested a man dressed as Chewbacca from Star
Wars for allegedly head-butting a tour guide. The guide had
complained about Frederick Young's treatment of two visitors
from
"You could see in his eyes he was exploding beneath the mask.
He yelled at me, 'Nobody tells this wookiee what to do!' "
The incident happened outside the landmark Grauman's Chinese
Theatre on
placed their footprints in concrete. Street performers dress
as movie and cartoon characters to collect tips from tourists
who pose for pictures in front of the cinema. Tourists have
complained that some costumed characters turn abusive when
they refuse to pay them to pose for pictures. Young, 44, was
later released on $20,000 bail and is expected in court later
this month.
Weird News is a feature of this ezine...it contains a previously
published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see
here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to
this ezine.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
[An absolute classic!]
A woman desperately looking for work applies for a job at a toy
factory. The personnel manager goes over her resume and explains
that he really has nothing worthy of her qualifications. The
woman says that she really needs work and will take almost
anything.
The personnel manager thinks for a moment and then says he does
have a job that the woman can have but the pay isn't much and the
job is boring, the woman happily accepts the job. He takes her
down to the production line, explains her duties and tells her to
start at
The next morning at
manager's door. The "Tickle-Me-Elmo" line foreman comes in all
upset about the new woman on the line. After the foreman rants
and raves for a few minutes about how backed up the assembly line
is, the personnel manager agrees to go down to the floor and see
for himself.
They head down together and, sure enough, Elmos are backed up
from one end of the line to the other. Right at the end of the
line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for
the Elmos and a big bag of marbles in front of her. The two
managers watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric from the
bolt, wraps two marbles in the fabric, and sews it between Elmo's
legs.
After a few minutes of uncontrolled laughter, he walks over to
the employee and says
"I'm sorry. I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted
you to do was give each Elmo two TEST TICKLES
ӿӭ---------------------DAILY
SNOPE--------------------------------ӿӼbr>
All the info that is fit to print ...
The Daily Snope is a comical look
at the days news!
Todays Top Story:
Woman Uses Daughter's Key to 'Steal' Car (Associated Press)
A college student who reported that his car was stolen got a
surprise when he learned a woman had mistaken it for her
daughter's car and taken it - using her key.
<a href=" http://www.snopes.com/daily/
">Daily Snope</a>
http://www.snopes.com/daily/
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen
by a young, new doctor. After about 4 minutes in the
examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was,
and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit
down and relax in another room.
The doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the
first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you?
Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, she has four grown children
and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and
without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
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ӿӭ--------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
What's a mixed feeling?
When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
ӿӭ--------------------DANNY
GALLAGHER---------------------------ӿӼbr>
MOVIES THAT SUCK
BY DANNY GALLAGHER
"Oscar"
OR
"We Are the Knights Who Say, 'Nominee!'"
Hey, did you hear? The Oscar nominations were announced!
A lot of you out there are dying to hear my take on them, so let's not
keep you waiting like so many starving Russians in a Disneyland-long
bread line. Here we go. Uh, let's see. Haven't seen it. Haven't seen
it. Didn't see it. Fell asleep during it. Never heard of it. Could
have seen it but chose to see "Beerfest" instead. Didn't see it.
Wouldn't ever see it. Don't want to admit seeing it. Probably saw it
but got drunk instead. And didn't see it.
Oh screw this, let's just do some "Double Features." For those of you
unfamiliar with the legend, it was created by the holy hand of God
Himself months ago in a downtown Dallas steakhouse through your humble
host, his brother and a good friend on a hot Saturday afternoon with a
little creativity, divine inspiration and enough Shiner Boch beer to
convince the Delta House to stage an intervention.
The idea was there are so many bad movies in the universe that
watching them felt like a big waste of time. So we would take two
movies and stick them together to either improve a bad movie or
shorten the time spent watching them. The game was played all
afternoon until the good friend came up with the funniest one of all,
one upping the professional comedy writer in the group who smashed him
in the face with a beer bottle, the traditional signal of the game's
conclusion. The idea was so brilliant that children were hired to
spread the miracle to the local villages and shires so the tradition
would continue and the creators could sleep off their hangovers.
Enjoy.
Sidney Poiter visits in his mother in the town of
town where racism still rears its ugly head, when a rich white factory
owner is murdered and Poiter is accused of the crime simply because he
is black. In order to clear his name, Poiter takes a job as a security
guard at the town's history museum where the artifacts come alive
every night and it's up to him to keep them from getting out. It's a
murder where everything comes to life inIN THE HEAT OF THE NIGHT AT
THE MUSEUM.
A group of biologists living in an underwater laboratory are
researching a cure for brain cancer when their test subject turns
against them and inspires an
depression that good things can happen if you don't give up the fight
for the finish. Samuel L. Jackson gets eaten by a motherf#$&ing horse
inDEEP BLUE SEABISCUIT.
Sacha Baron Cohen brings his famous foreign, racist journalist to the
big screen in a story about four best friends who go searching for the
body of a missing kid but discover the power of friendship in BORAT:
CULTURAL LEARNINGS OF AMERICA FOR MAKE BENEFIT GLORIOUS NATION OF
KAZAKHSTAND BY ME.
Edward Furlong stars as Danny, a high school teenager with racist
tendencies who learns that hatred is just a mask for his family's
problems from his brother Derek, played by Edward Norton, and his
teacher Professor Charles Xavier who has telekinetic powers and a
legion of powerful mutant superheroes under his wing inAMERICAN
HISTORY X MEN.
The crew of a decrepit German WWII U-Boat have to overcome
insurmountable odds when they venture into enemy waters and past vast
armadas of powerful destroyers on the greatest mission of their lives
to find a way home where two smokin' hot, bootylicious bitches are
looking for some easy loving in...DAS BOOTY CALL.
======================================================
" Movies that Suck" is written and was created by Danny Gallagher.
To send suggestions, criticisms or threats to the author, drop him a
line online at dannyboythezombie@gmail.com.
Visit him on the web at http://www.dannygallagher.net.
(c) 2007 by Danny Gallagher
=======================================================
ӿӭ--------------------------CLASSIFIED
ADS---------------------------ӿӼbr>
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