ӿӦlt;----------The
Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿӼbr>
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
So the Oscar nominations are out...and as usual I have NOT
seen any of the major players in the major categories...which
just proves that the people who choose the nominees are really
out of tune with the masses. What about "Borat"? Why
wasn't
it nominated for Best Picture? Or Deja Vu?
Great movies..but
NOT Oscar material. Yeah I will be watching the show when
it airs ...but only for the fun of watching people lose.
Speaking of losers ...oh wait gotta be careful because I could
just upset someone here ....the Superbowl teams are chosen
and I have no clue as to who they are ... and really don't care.
I do, of course, watch the Superbowl and have for the last
10 years or so without fail ...but only for the ads and the 1/2
time show. (Go Janet Go!!!!). And this year will be no different.
We sit down to watch the game with our beer and cheetos and
talk throughout the broadcast ... but there is complete silence
in the house during the commercial breaks. Who wins or who
loses is not important ...but seeing that new "Bud" ad is! ;)
So that's it again for another issue folks ...please click on a
couple of links in here ...if you do I could earn a little money
for my hard work.
Today's issue includes contributions by: Ron, Gina, Carole,
Joanie, JB, Adrian.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@<remove
this>paulsfunhouse.com ">mailto:jokes@<remove this>paulsfunhouse.com</a>
ӿӭ------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Lets start with a quickie:
I'm here to see a friend who was admitted to the hospital
this morning. He was run over by a steamroller.
He's in Room 105, 106, 107, 108, and 109.
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ӿӭ------------------LAUGHING
STALK--------------------------ӿӼbr>
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
Does PETA Hate Animals?
Despite their name, I think the People for the Ethical Treatment of
Animals (PETA) doesn't like the very animals they're
trying to protect.
That's why they kill many of the pet cats and dogs they receive.
In fact, two PETA employees are on trial for 31 counts of Cruelty to
Animals and three counts of Obtaining Property By
False Pretenses for
allegedly killing animals and then illegally disposing of their bodies.
According to a story on WVEC-TV's website, Andrew Benjamin Cook and
Adria Joy Hinkle were arrested in June 2005 after police found them
throwing trash bags containing the bodies of 18 dead dogs and cats into
a dumpster at an Ahoskie,
searched the PETA-owned van and found another 13 dead pets.
Staff from the
Shelter told police the two PETA employees had collected 31 animals,
including kittens and puppies, and promised that PETA would find
adoptive homes.
I've heard that all dogs go to Heaven, but I don't think that counts as
an adoptive home.
"It's hideous," Ingrid Newkirk, president of PETA, told WVEC. "I
think
this is so shocking it's bound to hurt our work."
Really, Ingrid? You think this is going to hurt your
work? This, and not
the "Got beer?" campaign you geared toward minors? Or the time
your own
Bruce Friedrich said PETA wished for the painful and deadly
foot-and-mouth disease to strike the U.S. cattle and dairy industry? Or
the time you guys asked
Veggieburg?
You people are so far beyond hurting your work, a story about how PETA
employees allegedly killed kittens and puppies won't make much of a
dent. It's like spilling a glass of water on the Titanic.
PETA claims they collect animals and then adopt them out to loving
families. They just don't tell you about what they do with 90 percent of
the animals that aren't adopted or recovered by their owners.
According to records from the Virginia Department of Agriculture and
Consumer Services, PETA received 2,145 animals in 2005, and killed 90
percent of them in its Norfolk-based facilities. Meanwhile, the Society
for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals only put down four percent.
The state average is 43 percent.
In other words, PETA's kill rate is more than double of the entire
humane. In fact, according to PETAKillsAnimals.com, if you write to them
about this issue, they'll send a letter back to you explaining
themselves.
"[M]ost of the animals we receive are broken beings for whom euthanasia
is, without a doubt, the most humane option."
Hardly sounds like "Ethical Treatment" to me.
So I wasn't surprised to hear that Colorado Governor Bill Owens called
PETA "a bunch of losers" and "frauds."
During a January 4 interview on KRFX-FM in
Reannon Peterson refused to help the two morning show hosts raise money
to help feed and rescue more than 340,000 cattle stranded by several
recent blizzards.
Workers had been airlifting bales of hay to the stranded animals in the
hopes of preventing massive starvation. Hosts Rick Lewis and Michael
Floorwax were trying to raise money to save the cattle, as well as the
ranchers' livelihood.
After she launched into a tirade about how the ranchers wouldn't be in
this situation if they had treated the animals differently, Peterson was
repeatedly asked how an organization that was supposed to care about
animals could let thousands of cattle starve to death.
Her answer? "Why are we so worried about keeping
them just so we can
kill them in six months so they can become a steak dinner?"
I'm no expert, but I'm guessing it's so they won't die a painful and
lingering death.
It's at that point that Governor Owens, who had been sitting quietly
through the whole interview, exploded and called the group "frauds and
losers."
"Don't send money to PETA. That's the message," he said on the air.
It seems to me that PETA is more about sensationalism and raising money
than they are actually helping animals. They throw red paint on fur
coats, rather than buy and rescue the animals from the farmers. They
kill pets rather than try to adopt them out to families. And they would
rather let more than 300,000 cattle needlessly suffer than do something
to help them.
If they truly wanted to help the animals they claim to support, they
would use the money they raise to pay for the rescue, housing, and care
of every animal they find, whether it's mink, cattle, or dogs and cats.
Just don't let Cook and Hinkle near them.
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2007
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he
doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
There are over 11,000 male urologists in the
now a few women have entered the field.
A man goes to a female urologist for an exam. The female
doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today,
but this new procedure is a little different from what
you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your
right side, bend your knees, then while I check your
prostate, take a deep breath and say 99."
The guy did as the doctor instructed and said, "99".
The doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side
and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath
and say 99."
Again, the guy says, "99."
The doctor said, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie
on your back with your knees raised slightly. I am going
to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other
hand I am going to hold on to your penis.
Now take a deep breath and say 99."
The guy slowly says, "One. . . two. . .
three."
ӿӭ----------------------QUICK
QUOTE----------------------------ӿӼbr>
"The Reverend Jesse Jackson says that he will endorse Barack
Obama. Experts say that this is risky for
much rhymes with Obama."
-Conan O'Brien
ӿӭ----------------------SATIRE
BY SROKA----------------------ӿӼbr>
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿӭ----------------------BACK
ISSUES-------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Back issues (or archives) can be found at:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
">Archive</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Redneck pickup lines
1) Did you fart? cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it
in.
4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign
you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see
myself in em.
6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel, I'd store my
nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's
only a light switch away.
8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet
I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I
think he went inta this cheap motel room.
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we
kin sleep til afternoon.
and.... the best for last!
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten
up
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ӿӭ----------------------DEEP
THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿӼbr>
NASA reports that galaxies are speeding away
from earth at 90,000 miles a second. What do you
suppose they know that we don't?
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast.
They hear the announcer say, "we are going to
have 8 to 10 inches of snow
today you must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the
snowplows can get through."
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer
says,"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your
car on the
odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
The next week they are again having breakfast,when the
radio announcer
says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park
..."
Then the power goes out.
Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park
on so the snowplows can get through?
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married
to blondes exhibit,
this time?
ӿӭ---------------------COLUMN
PREVIEW--------------------ӿӼbr>
[ok who broke it ... guess you'll have to wait for next week to find
out!]
ӿӭ-----------------------JELLY
MOM--------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Lisa Barker is Jelly Mom and she writes a
syndicated humor column for parents & families.
View her latest column at:
<a href=" http://www.JellyMom.com
">Jelly Mom</a>
http://www.JellyMom.com
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ӿӭ-------------------IT'S
NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿӼbr>
In the doctors office two patients are talking. "You know, I had
an appendectomy last month and the doctor left a sponge in me by
mistake."
"A sponge!" exclaims the other. "Does it hurt much?"
"No...no pain at all," says the first,
"but...boy, do I get thirsty!"
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ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
The world's greatest charade player brags
that he can guess any charade.
A TV producer decides to use the charade
player in a TV special. He issues a challenge
offering the charade player a million dollars to
guess a very hard charade on television. The
charade player agrees.
Comes the big night, all the world is watching.
The charade player is sitting on stage in front
of a curtain. Music blares and the curtain
opens to reveal seven nude young women.
The second and fourth ladies are holding
their breasts, while the other five have
their backs to him and are baring their
behinds.
The charade player barely glances over
them and says, "The William Tell
Overture by Rossini."
The flabbergasted producer says in awe,
"You've done it! That's the correct answer.
You are indeed the greatest charade player!"
and he hands him a check for a million bucks.
Walking out, a reporter stops the charade
player and ask him how he did it.
"It's really simple," says the charade player.
"One look at the positions of the seven
women, and I realized it as the William Tell
Overture."
"Rump... titty... rump... titty... rump... rump
... rump."
ӿӭ------------------------WEIRD
NEWS---------------------------ӿӼbr>
A convicted fraudster escaped from a high security jail in
himself to freedom. Max Friedener, 28, escaped from prison
in
escaped from the mail van as it was driving away. The
escape was only noticed when the mail truck arrived at
the sorting depot and the hole in the box was spotted.
It is the second time a convict has earned a ticket to
ride by using the mail system. Only last month a convict
in neighbouring Austria escaped from Graz prison by mailing
himself out in a large box that was supposed to contain
electrical parts. Both escapees are still at large.
Weird News is a feature of this ezine...it contains a previously
published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see
here..please send the article, name of the publication
and date to
this ezine.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A very elderly gentleman, very well dressed, hair well groomed,
great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a
good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks
into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady. The gentleman
walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a
sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here
often?"
ӿӭ---------------------DAILY
SNOPE--------------------------------ӿӼbr>
All the info that is fit to print ...
The Daily Snope is a comical look
at the days news!
Todays Top Story:
Woman Fights, Spits During Flight (Associated Press)
A woman is accused of scuffling with flight attendants and
passengers on a San Francisco-bound flight and threatening
to open a cabin door in mid-flight.
<a href=" http://www.snopes.com/daily/
">Daily Snope</a>
http://www.snopes.com/daily/
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Little Johnny is standing on the platform at the railway
station. His momma thinks he's standing a bit close to the
edge so she says, "Hey Johnny, get back away from the edge
before a train comes by and sucks you off."
At this Little Johnny smiles and yells out, "C'mon train!"
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ӿӭ--------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it.
ӿӭ--------------------DANNY
GALLAGHER---------------------------ӿӼbr>
MOVIES THAT SUCK
BY DANNY GALLAGHER
"The Stupids"
OR
"Welcome to the Dumb House"
Here's a news flash
I know for the majority of you that's not a news flash. All you have to do is
scan today's edition of the movie listings in your friendly neighborhood fish
wrap and realize that sad, sorry fact of life. If Hollyweird thought we were
smarter, they would have put down Eddie Murphy's career like a SARS-riddled Ol'
Yeller before "Holy Man" ever started to sprout legs in his mind.
But Hollyweird thinks you're REALLY stupid. I'm talking Forrest Gump stupid.
Three Stooges stupid. The guy who greenlit
"Catwoman" stupid.
Your honor, state's exhibit A: Mike Judge's "Idiocracy." If you're
not familiar with this movie, you're not alone. Judge, the bald brain behind
such brilliant creations as "Beavis and Butt-head," "King of the
Hill" and "Office Space," originally had a Sept. 1, 2006 release
date for his film from 20 th Century Fox, but the release only happened in six
cities including Los Angeles, Atlanta, Dallas, Austin, Toronto, Chicago and
Houston. The film also had zero advertising: no trailers, no TV commercials, no
website, not even any clever press kits with a fake U.S. Constitution that
reads, "We, the Peeps, of the United States of America."
But the plot, much like a 20th Century Fox's head, thickens. It stars Luke
Wilson as an Army guinea pig who is frozen cryogenically and wakes up 500 years
in the future where everyone is dumber than a garbage bag of "Gigli"
videos. The film believes that dumb people in the present are procreating more
than dumb people and forcing evolution to take a U-turn. Part of me thinks it's
funny, but another part of it is real enough to make me think of
"intelligent design" as a viable option and not just a fancy sounding
religious alternative to science that sounds like the title of another bad
remake of a William Gibson novel.
Anyone care to guess why the movie barely saw the light of day? This isn't a
theory or a guess or a hypothesis. It's a strong belief. Hollyweird saw this
movie and collectively needed a clean change of pants.
Cut to this week: out of the blue, a commercial for the movie shows up on my TV
during one of my many late night writing sessions in
between crusty eye blinks as I force myself to stay awake so I can come up with
more similes involving Paul W. S. Anderson movies.
I've never seen the thing, and it's bound to have some flaws but the idea is
enough to tell the beast in my brain that he's hungry. The next day I venture
to my friendly neighborhood movie store to see it. Unfortunately, they were
closed so I had to settle for my unfriendly, over-priced impersonal movie store,
"Best Buy." I drudged down the Comedy DVD aisle with my hooded
sweatshirt up and my Panama Jack sunglasses planted firmly on my face. I look
like the Unabomber in a "Where Are They Now?" expose.
Unfortunately, it wasn't there. It should have been sitting in between three
copies of the Adam Sandler's "Happy Gilmore" Special Edition and
seven copies of
Needless to say, I went home without the movie and as of Wednesday, I still
haven't seen it. Part of me wants to, but another part feels like I don't have
to when we live in a world where entertainment is self-serving and
unenlightening, and studios think they can rule their minions with base humor
and one-syllable words.
Du'h.
======================================================
" Movies that Suck" is written and was created by Danny Gallagher.
To send suggestions, criticisms or threats to the author, drop him a
line online at dannyboythezombie@gmail.com .
Visit him on the web at http://www.dannygallagher.net.
(c) 2007 by Danny Gallagher
=======================================================
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