ӿӦlt;----------The
Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿӼbr>
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
Summertime and the living is easy ...yeah right!!!! Don't I wish!
I am not sure what your weather is like ...but around the world
the weather is just weird! We have had more tornadoes and
tornado warnings this year than I have ever heard of in my
life! Snow in
and fires in the
heaviest rainfalls in
us? Well I am not sure ...but I think that the LiveEarth
Concerts this week were very timely ...because if we don't
do something soon.. then there will be nothing left for us to
worry about.
Speaking of LiveEarth ...there were some fantastic performances
during the 24 hour plus concerts ...one of my favourite performances
came not from a popular Western artist ...but instead from a
band in Japan, Rize. This wasa rock band which performed
mostly in Japanese with some English ...but the energy they
had on stage and the music was really entertaining. I am sure
that if I ended up at one of their concerts I would have a lot of
fun.
And speaking of fun ...I am off to see the Winnipeg Blue Bombers
play against the Edmonton Eskimos in CFL Football this Friday.
Now that is not such a big deal for most of you ...but we are hoping
for a record breaking performance by one of our receivers. Milt
Stegall is tied for all time touch-down receptions and needs only
one to break the record. Last week he was held scoreless after
there as the record is smashed!
Today's issue includes contributions by: Carole, JB, Barb,
Terri, Gina, Dave.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@<remove
this>paulsfunhouse.com ">mailto:jokes@<remove this>paulsfunhouse.com</a>
ӿӭ------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Lets start with a quickie:
What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpme Dumpme.
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ӿӭ------------------LAUGHING
STALK--------------------------ӿӼbr>
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
Back in the Saddle Again
Heart: General, we've got a problem.
General: What's going on, Lieutenant?
Heart: I'm working harder and faster than I have in a while, sir. I
haven't worked this much since Summer 2005.
Brain: Sir, we're getting similar reports from all sectors. Lungs are
reporting heavy wheezing and their Filling/Deflating Operation is
erratic. Legs are engaged in a repetitive circular motion.
General: Legs, what's going on? I need a situation report.
Legs: It's the weirdest thing, General. We're experiencing motions we
haven't made in years. We used to do it all the time, but it's been so
long, we can't even remember what it is.
General: Are you running?
Legs: Negative, sir. We ran last year, so we remember that. We just
can't put our finger on this one.
Fingers: That's all right. We're so numb, we couldn't feel anything
anyway.
General: Numb?! Heart, give me a sit rep. What's your status? Are you
under attack?
Heart: Negative, General. I'm racing, but it's rhythmic. Nothing I can't
handle.
Brain: Lungs are reporting the same, sir.
Stomach: General, we're short on supplies down here. Can we get
resupplied soon?
General: Sergeant, you were supplied at lunch. Now, would someone tell
me what the #*&! Command is doing?
Brain: Sir, Eyes report the scenery is racing by. They're also reporting
an occasional glimpse of a bicycle wheel.
General: Bicycle--? Eyes, please confirm previous report.
Eyes: Report confirmed, General. Command is on a bicycle.
Legs: That's what we're doing! We knew that felt familiar. General,
Command used to be a bicycle racer. We're back on the bike!
General: Understood, Lieutenant, but that was 18 years ago.
Fingers: That explains our numbness, General. Arms never move very much
while Command is on the bike.
Brain: General, Heart and Lungs are reporting greater exertion. And Butt
says he's having problems as well.
General: Butt, what's going on down there?
Butt: Mph, bg gmp bemf.
General: Say again, Butt.
Butt: I said, "Sir, I can't breathe."
General: Understood. So why can I hear you now?
Butt: Command stood up. We're on a hill.
Stomach: Sir, what about those supplies?
General: Not now! Brain, what's gotten into Command? Why is he on a
bicycle, and how can we stop him?
Brain: Sir, We've got intel from Memory. Last night Command watched
"Breaking Away," the 1979 bike racing movie. Command remembered his
glory days of racing, and decided to get back in the saddle.
General: Son of a--! Command needs to realize his glory days are over
and done. How this get past us? Why isn't Self-Preservation intervening?
Brain: We found Self-Preservation bound and gagged in a broom closet.
Stomach: Sir, about those supplies. . . ?
General: This isn't the time, Sergeant! If you don't want to be demoted
to private, I suggest you shut up about those supplies. We've got a real
crisis here.
Legs: General, we're spinning out of control. We need Fingers to
downshift.
General: Fingers, change gears. Go to fifth!
Legs: Thank you, sir.
Brain: General, we're getting some additional intel on Command's
decision. It's Vanity, sir. He's responsible for Command's return to the
road.
General: I thought Self-Preservation could handle Vanity. Are you
telling me Vanity overpowered him?
Brain: Apparently it's a trick. Self-Preservation and Vanity are in
cahoots. Locking him in the broom closet was a diversion. They were sick
of Stomach's whining.
General: I don't blame them.
Heart: If I may be frank, General, we're all a little sick of Stomach.
He's been a drag on this unit for the last 12 years.
Stomach: But sir, it's not my fault. Blame Mouth. He's been sneaking me
extra supplies when Mrs. Command wasn't looking.
General: Hmm. You know, I think Vanity is on to something. If Stomach
gets his way, this unit will eventually break down. Brain, recommend
Vanity for a medal.
Brain: Gladly, sir.
General: All right, let's get this done. Legs, Heart, and Lungs--
Butt: Mng mph?
General: Yes, Butt, you too. Suck it up and give Command what he needs.
Legs, monitor your resources and energy levels and work with Fingers to
make necessary gear adjustments. Lungs and Heart, send any intel
directly to Legs to maintain current output. Not too fast, but not to
slow either. Eyes, maintain a sharp lookout for dogs. We've seen what
they can do to Legs.
Brain: What about us, sir?
General: Legs are in a lot of pain. Distract them with stories from
Command's childhood. If you run out of those, recite the list of
Vice Presidents who wore sideburns. Now let's go, people. We need to
bring Command safely home, 'cause we're doing it again tomorrow!
Stomach: I'm not going to get those supplies, am I?
General: An army moves on its stomach, son. We're just going to do it
with a little less.
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2007
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in
graduating from
through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant
standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant
seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very
carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the
elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply
embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could,
Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after
which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The
elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious
look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being
trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned,
and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the
events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the
Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant
enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to
near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large
bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off
the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several
times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help
wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up
his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into
the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared
back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its
trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against
the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
ӿӭ----------------------QUICK
QUOTE----------------------------ӿӼbr>
I destroy my enemies when I make them my friends.
-Abraham Lincoln
ӿӭ----------------------SATIRE
BY SROKA----------------------ӿӼbr>
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿӭ----------------------BACK
ISSUES-------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Back issues (or archives) can be found at:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
">Archive</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Blonde Year In Review!
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
labels...HELLOOO!...bottles won't fit in printer.
March - Got really excited...finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months....box said
"2 - 4 years"
April - Trapped on escalator for hours...power went out.
May- Tried to make Kool-Aid - wrong instructions... 8 cups of water won't fit
into that little packet.
June- Tried to go water skiing - couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - Lost breast stoke swimming competition...learned later, the other
swimmers cheated, they used their arms.
August- Got locked out of my car in a rain storm...car swamped because soft-top
was open.
September- The capital of
October- Hate M&M's - they are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days...instructions said 1 hour per pound and
I weigh 108 !!!
December - Couldn't dial 911- duh - there's no eleven on the stupid phone.
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ӿӭ----------------------DEEP
THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿӼbr>
Applying computer technology is simply finding the right
wrench to pound in the correct screw.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for
an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."
ӿӭ---------------------COLUMN
PREVIEW--------------------ӿӼbr>
Columnists Convention
by Sheila Moss
I've been out of town at a convention this past week. I
thought I would let you in on my unofficial version of
the "official" version.
I was on a business trip to
of the National Society of Newspaper Columnists.
We were bribed into going with promises of cheesesteaks,
column tips, and freebies.
We decided to drive instead of flying. All went well except
for one place in
closed and we had to take a detour.
My honey saw a sign for Boiling Spring, a city with a nice
duck pond in the center of town, he said. Fortunately, the
detour ended before we got to duck soup pond.
After we checked in at the hotel, I remember leaving my
purse in the car, which honey was parking in a garage.
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/philly.htm ">Sheila
Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/philly.htm
ӿӭ-----------------------JELLY
MOM--------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Lisa Barker is Jelly Mom and she writes a
syndicated humor column for parents & families.
View her latest column at:
<a href=" http://www.JellyMom.com
">Jelly Mom</a>
http://www.JellyMom.com
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ӿӭ-------------------IT'S
NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A thief in
the
security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to
his van. However, he was captured only two blocks
away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and
then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur,
that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no
Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
(See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone
else. I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing
ӿӭ-------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿӼbr>
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ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
This is serious stuff...Beer contains female hormones!
Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the
results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female
hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer
consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops
contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn
into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each
within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test
subjects:
1) argued over nothing.
2) refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary.
Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer!
And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh! If you
think they can handle it.
ӿӭ------------------------WEIRD
NEWS---------------------------ӿӼbr>
A Chinese city is offering to buy dead flies from
residents to promote public hygiene. Officials in
the Xigong district of Luoyang city are offering
the equivalent of 6 for each dead fly, reports
Henan Business News.
Residents taking part in the flies-for-cash scheme
launched to promote public hygiene in
be more effective than fining them to keep the city
clean," says Hu Guisheng, administrative director of
Xigong district.
Hu says that in only one day, his office has collected
more than 2,000 dead flies in six communities, and
paid out more than $150.00. Local residents have
embraced the scheme with some even travelling to
rubbish dumps to find more flies. But critics argue the
government should be cleaning up places where flies
breed, instead of offering bounties for insect corpses.
Weird News is a feature of this ezine...it contains a previously
published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see
here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to
this ezine.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
During our computer class, the teacher chastised one
boy for talking to the girl sitting next to him.
"I was just asking her a question," the boy said.
"If you have a question, ask me," the teacher
tersely replied.
"Okay," he answered, "Do you want to go out with
me Friday night?"
ӿӭ---------------------DAILY
SNOPE--------------------------------ӿӼbr>
All the info that is fit to print ...
The Daily Snope is a comical look
at the days news!
Todays Top Story:
Bird on Fire Blamed for 2-Acre Wildfire (Associated Press)
A bird that caught fire after being electrocuted at a substation
is suspected of igniting a 2-acre wildfire.
<a href=" http://www.snopes.com/daily/
">Daily Snope</a>
http://www.snopes.com/daily/
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Dear Diary,
This morning. the math teacher singled me out to ask me, "If you have
$200, and you give $60 to Mary, $60 to Sally and $60 to Susan, what
would you have?"
Turned out that "an orgy" was not the correct answer. Live and learn.
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ӿӭ--------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face
or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of
humor!
ӿӭ--------------------DANNY
GALLAGHER---------------------------ӿӼbr>
MOVIES THAT SUCK
BY DANNY GALLAGHER
"One Crazy Summer"
OR
"You Win Some, You Lose Summer"
Hey it's summer movie season and what a season it's shaping up to be!
There's that new movie from washed up actor who tried being a director
but failed miserably and has to star with a young overrated hack.
Look, there's "Product Placement! The Movie" starring Something Your
Kids Will Whine and Cry Over in Public Making Everyone in a Five Mile
Radius Believe You are the Worst Parent in the World Until You Buy It
for Them. Oh and let's not forget the movie that's based on another
movie that's based on another movie that's based on something that's
not a movie because coming up with an original idea requires you to
lay off the cocaine for more than an hour.
OK, the truth is I really don't care about the summer movie season
anymore. It's gotten too predictable, too overblown and (worst of all)
too boring. Sure there are a couple of gems in this turd mine of 2007
like "Ratatoullie" and "Transformers," but once you go
through those,
there's nothing left. You're just standing there at the altar with no
shoulder to lean on like a one legged bride.
Luckily, there's a coping mechanismbesides cocaine. It's my patented
"Mashed Movies." For the unfamiliar, the game was created more than
two years ago at Hofbrau Steak House in downtown
Saturday afternoon. It came to life the way all great ideas do, with a
little ingenuity, a dash of creativity and a beer tab that made our
wallets cry.
The rules are simple. You take two bad movies that share a same first
and last word and stick them together. You get double the points if
they go together as well as Froot Loops and hairy man ass.
First up, George Clooney must reassemble his assorted gang of thieves,
pickpockets and schemers for another caper to avenge an old friend
when he realizes he's magically transformed into the body of a hot
20-something, independent woman inOCEAN'S 13 GOING ON 30.
Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan return to the roles that are keeping
their careers afloat in another action packed adventure comedy that
has them chasing down the Yakuza, blowing up everything in sight and
learning how to change poopy diapers. Steve Guttenberg co-stars
inRUSH HOUR 3 MEN AND A BABY.
Adam Sandler returns to the summer movie screen as a firefighter who
faced with a four alarm fiasco. He's about to lose his pension and the
only way he can keep his family and his future afloat it is by
pretending he's gay and marrying a catch-phrase spouting, blue collar
comedian inI NOW PRONOUNCE YOU CHUCK AND LARRY THE CABLE GUY: HEALTH
INSPECTOR.
Rowan Atkinson returns as Great Britain's most lovable Englishman in a
comedy that will kill you. The affable Mr. Bean decides it's time to
take an around the world vacation only to realize it's been nearly
destroyed by the effects of global warming in MR. BEAN'S HOLIDAY
AFTER TOMORROW.
Angelina Jolie gets the sequel treatment in this big budget comedy
from the people who brought you "Welcome to Sarajevo" and "Ace
Ventura: Pet Detective." Jolie's husband is kidnapped by a militant
terrorist group and she turns to cope with her fears and horror by
building an arc and housing two of every animal on them inEVAN
ALMIGHTY HEART.
And finally, Daniel Radcliffe returns to the role that made him an
international superstar. This time, he must stop a heartless serial
killer from blowing up the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft by blowing it
up himself and half of the student population in the process inDIRTY
HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX.
======================================================
"Movies that Suck" is written and was created by Danny Gallagher.
To send suggestions, criticisms or threats to the author, drop him a
line online at dannyboythezombie@gmail.com.
Visit him on the web at http://www.dannygallagher.net.
(c) 2007 by Danny Gallagher
=======================================================
ӿӭ--------------------------CLASSIFIED
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