ӿӦlt;----------The
Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿӼbr>
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
OK...so a few of you took exception to my comments about
the murder/suicide committed by Chris Benoit. I stand by my
comments that the man was sick and is no longer a hero. I
do not care what he had accomplished to that point in his
life ...his final acts are what he will be remembered for and
those final acts were disgusting!
This week also brought the news of the failed bombing
attempts in
or major injuries, they still let us know that there are
people out there who do not share the same values as
we do. That said ...maybe the Western world should
reconsider its role in the world and place more emphasis
on keeping its own borders safe and not be worrying so
much about issues outside its borders! Just a thought!
On a much lighter note ...this past weekend marked the
140th birthday of
style with a local party and picnic and a HUGE fireworks
display at dusk. The display was the best we have ever
put on .. and aside from a small burn on my thumb and a
little dent in one of my fellow lighter's SUV...there were no
major causuaties! ;)
To my friends south of the border ...hope your July 4th is a
safe and happy one. We all need some good cheer right
now!
Today's issue includes contributions by: Tammy, JB, Gina, Carole,
Keli, Ron.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@<remove
this>paulsfunhouse.com ">mailto:jokes@<remove this>paulsfunhouse.com</a>
ӿӭ------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Lets start with a quickie:
What animal has an asshole halfway up it's back?
A police horse.
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ӿӭ------------------LAUGHING
STALK--------------------------ӿӼbr>
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
At Least I'm Not 50
The inevitable finally happened. I'd known it was coming for years -- known
the exact date and time. I planned, stalled, and fought for as long as I could,
but it still happened despite my best efforts.
I turned 40 this past Wednesday.
There's really nothing special about 40. I don't feel any different than I did
the
day before, when I was 39.99726 years old. But 40 is such a vastly different
age than all my previous ages. Not only did my decade change, now there's a
zero at the end of it. It's sort of how Western Civilization felt when the
calendar year changed to 2000 (although the millennium didn't officially begin
until 2001!). We had reached a major milestone, but we didn't know how to
feel.
I was born exactly at
watched the second hands march slowly toward
until they reached their target.
"I'm 40 now," I mumbled to my wife, wondering how much longer I would
be
able to stay up so late.
"Happy birthday, old man." She kissed me on the cheek. We watched a
"Scrubs" rerun, and I fell asleep before it was half over. Dangit. I
thought old
people didn't need as much sleep.
My older friends and family scoffed at my worries. "Forty is
nothing," they
would say. "Wait until you hit your fifties."
On the other hand, Oldest Daughter would remind me 12 times a day for
three weeks, "Wow, 40 years old. That's four decades."
"Oh yeah? Well, you're one decade."
"I know," she'd laugh, fully aware she had a good six or seven
decades of life
left, while I had just reached my halfway point.
"Just you wait," I'd warn. "You'll be this age sooner than you
think, and it'll be
your kids making fun of you." But my predictions went unheeded. Thirty
years
is an eternity to a 10-year-old. When I was 10, I was convinced 40 would
never arrive. Shows what I know.
"You're only as old as you feel," my friends told me, which presents
its own
problems. I've got the knees of a 60-year-old, but I still have the sense of
humor of a 12-year-old. In other words, "doody" make me giggle, but
my
knees grate and grind when I climb the stairs.
I've tried reframing how I think of my age. It's the 11th anniversary of my
29th
birthday. Or better yet, the 19th anniversary of my 21st birthday. Or I'm not
40, I'm $39.95. But Oldest Daughter's words keep ringing in my ears: "Wow,
40 years old. That's four decades."
I was born in 1967, in the year of the Summer of Love, the
festival, and the Central Park Be-In. In 1967, gas was 33 cents a gallon, a
new house cost $24,600, and Frank Sinatra won a Grammy for "Strangers in
the Night." (Summer of Love, indeed!)
In June 1967, the Beatles release their greatest album, Sergeant Pepper's
Lonely Hearts Club Band, bans on interracial marriages were declared
unconstitutional, and
and declared war, only to rejoin it a day later. 1967 was a momentous year,
and it defined "The Sixties."
It was also 40 lo-o-o-o-ong freakin' years ago, which brings me back to my
original whine: I'm 40 freakin' years old!
"Don't be so mopey," my wife said. "They say 40 is the new
30."
"But I liked the old 30 better."
She has a point though. With advances in personal health, nutrition, and
exercise, 40 is a new beginning for many, not the beginning of the end. Of
course, this means I'll have to start eating right and exercising more, so I'm
not entirely sure how I feel about that. But if I want to see my fifth decade,
I
should probably start.
Wow, 40 years old. That's four decades.
"You think that's hard," my friend, Dick, told me on my birthday
morning. "Try
being 60."
"Yeah, but you've had 20 years to get used to the idea. This is my first
day."
But it was my friend, Darrin, who made me appreciate my new age.
"You've reached the age of Wisdom. This is a major milestone among men.
You're at the age where you can dispense counsel, and give advice," he
said.
I was stunned at the thought: I have reached an Age of Importance. I am
wise. I have experience. I have gravitas. (Best of all, I have the wisdom and
experience to know what "gravitas" means.)
But some things haven't changed, even though I'm in a new marketing
demographic. I still like listening to loud music. I can still play soccer and
Ultimate Frisbee. I still won't wear dark socks with shorts.
And most importantly, I still think "doody" is hilarious.
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2007
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at a
stop light while not really paying attention.
Anyway the fellow who was driving got out...
And he was a dwarf.
He said "I'm not happy".
I said "Well which one are you then ?
ӿӭ----------------------QUICK
QUOTE----------------------------ӿӼbr>
This week in
pounds of marijuana. Officials say more than 60 firefighters and 2,000
college students responded to the blaze.
~Conan O'Brien
ӿӭ----------------------SATIRE
BY SROKA----------------------ӿӼbr>
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿӭ----------------------BACK
ISSUES-------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Back issues (or archives) can be found at:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
">Archive</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Working at an airline ticket counter, I pulled up a passenger's
reservation that showed his name as "Cole, Pheven."
"I'd like to be certain our information is correct," I said to
him. "What is your first name?"
"It's Stephen," he replied. "I hope the reservation agent got
it right. I told him it's spelled with a ph."
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ӿӭ----------------------DEEP
THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿӼbr>
I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the
drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Signs, Signs, Everywhere a Sign!
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a Septic Tank Truck in
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
On another Septic Tank Truck:
"We're #1 in the #2 business"
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
At a Tire Shop in
"Invite us to your next blowout."
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts".
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate
action."
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
At an Optometrist's Office :
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right
place."
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the Electric Company :
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't,
you will be."
In a Restaurant window :
"Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home :
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
"Best place in town to take a leak."
ӿӭ---------------------COLUMN
PREVIEW--------------------ӿӼbr>
A Living Symbol The American Flag
by Sheila Moss
The other day I was down at the discount mart and noticed a
display of American flags. The red, white, and blue caught
my eye and I stopped to check them out.
"Oh," I thought, "I don't really need a flag."
I used to have a flag that I displayed on patriotic holidays.
Through the years the flag wore out and was never replaced. I
sort of miss that feeling of patriotic pride that comes from
displaying the flag.
I decided that I needed a flag after all, so I bought one. It
is a beautiful flag with the stars embroidered instead of
printed and the stripes sewn together in different colors.
I took it home and opened it up to look at it. Then I folded
it up to return it to the plastic package.
"Grandma, you folded it wrong!" exclaimed my 8-year-old
grandson.
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/flag.htm ">Sheila
Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/flag.htm
ӿӭ-----------------------JELLY
MOM--------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Lisa Barker is Jelly Mom and she writes a
syndicated humor column for parents & families.
View her latest column at:
<a href=" http://www.JellyMom.com
">Jelly Mom</a>
http://www.JellyMom.com
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ӿӭ-------------------IT'S
NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A long time ago, there was a beehive in the middle of a
forest. Every day, as worker bees do, they would go out
into their fields, gather pollen from the flowers, and
bring it back to make honey.
The bees had a problem, though, because every so often an
intruder would come around, such as a bear who wanted the
honey, or kids who thought it'd be fun to throw rocks at
the hive. Finally, the bees got tired of it.
Being the intelligent bees that they are, they built an
alarm system for the hive. They built it such that one bee
pulls a lever, which triggers the alarm that the bees will
hear from the fields, and then the bees can come back to
protect their home.
There was one bee who was exclusively assigned that job,
and he was aptly named the "Lever Bee." His job was to watch
for potential adversaries, and pull the lever to raise the
alarm.
Now obviously, the security of the hive depends on this one
Lever Bee. So he has to be constantly ready and on the alert
to be able to do his job.
And that, friends, is why people say,
"I'm as ready as a Lever Bee."
ӿӭ-------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿӼbr>
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ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
-From one of my female readers:
I feel inadequate when talking with a mechanic, so when my vehicle
started making a strange noise, I sought help from a friend. He
drove the car around the block, listened carefully, then told me
how to explain the difficulty when I took it in for repair. At
the shop I proudly recited, "The timing is off, and there are
premature detonations, which may damage the valves."
As I smugly glanced over the mechanic's shoulder, I saw him write
on his clipboard, "Lady says it makes a funny noise."
ӿӭ------------------------WEIRD
NEWS---------------------------ӿӼbr>
[I just love stories from my hometown!]
A pizza restaurant in Canada is delivering pornographic pictures
with meals as an after dinner treat for customers. Winnipeg-based
Porno Pizza puts the photographs in the box underneath the pizza,
reports Metro News. Local entrepreneur Corey Wildeman, 30 came up
with the idea for the business came while working at other pizza
places. "I'm absolutely thrilled with how successful it's been,"
he said. "It runs the full gamut. There are some that are very
Playboy-esque and others which Larry Flynt would blush at," he
said, describing the photos sent out with orders. What has
surprised Wildeman the most since opening is the sex of the
customers. "It's about 75 to 80% female that are placing the
orders and are taking orders at the door," he said.
Weird News is a feature of this ezine...it contains a previously
published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see
here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to
this ezine.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
-Makes sense!
The third grade class was being given a course in first aid.
The question was asked, "What would you do if you had a
younger sibling who swallowed a house key?"
After a pause, one of the students answered, "Easy! I'd
climb through the window!"
ӿӭ---------------------DAILY
SNOPE--------------------------------ӿӼbr>
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Todays Top Story:
Scientists Solve Puzzle of Chile's Missing Lake (Reuters)
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<a href=" http://www.snopes.com/daily/
">Daily Snope</a>
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ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
The stern teacher silently panned his gaze across all the kids.
After about a minute or so, he spoke... "From the outset, I
want you all to know that there are two words that are
absolutely unacceptable in this classroom.
You cannot use them as you recite, or in any of your papers,
tests, or homework. Using these words even once, will get you
a failing grade for that quarter.
The first one is "gross"
And the other one is "cool"
Are there any questions?"
After a few moments of silence, this gawky teen at the back of
the room raises his hand, and the teacher calls upon him.
In a pubescent croaking voice, the kid asks, "So, what are they?"
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ӿӭ--------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Who was the famous artist with brown fingers?
Pic-ass-o.
ӿӭ--------------------DANNY
GALLAGHER---------------------------ӿӼbr>
MOVIES THAT SUCK
BY DANNY GALLAGHER
"Dream a Little Dream"
OR
"In America, No One Can Hear You Dream"
Ahhh, its Fourth of July. It's hard not to like this time of year. The
smell of freshly baked apple pie and barbecued chicken fill the hot
summer air. American flags blow in the sweet gentle breeze. Fireworks
can be seen from miles around followed by the screams of burning pain
from the hooligans who lit them.
But for most Americans, Fourth of July means something much more
meaningful and important. It's not about the food, the festivities or
the first degree burns. It's about something more patriotic, more
democratic, more American. It's about getting a paid day off from
work.
Days off are mine to do with what I wish. You spend all your time at
work picturing the awe-inspiring things you could be doing if you
weren't trapped in a depressing, crushing, boring day job so you can
sit around the house in your boxers watching "A Team" reruns thinking
about all the awe-inspiring things you could be doing instead.
I always use mine to go to the movies. I never get any time to go on
the weekend because I'm always working or too drunk and I never go
during the week because I'm always working or too sober.
It's also the perfect way to spend a day off. You get to watch jaw
dropping and mind blowing slices of life without having to leave your
chair. You can climb a mountain, shoot down a helicopter and win the
girl of your dreams without having to pull a hamstring, face federal
weapons charges or lose 100 pounds and get a job that comes with clean
underpants.
But more importantly, what could be more American than the movies?
Screw apple pie, fireworks and skin grafts. America is known by the
movies we send out to the world. They are watched in every country on
the planet and possibly by aliens on other planets. I don't pretend to
know well received they are or if they're even liked by the negative
space surrounding the old U.S. of A., but I imagine they see our
movies the way we see Bollywood films: with confusion, bewilderment
and a face usually reserved to react at Star Trek themed weddings and
drag shows.
The themes American cinema has introduced to film describe America
better than any overblown Lee Greenwood tune ever could. Movies are
best watched on a big screen and we realized long ago that what you
were seeing had to be as big as the frame, so we introduced things
like the large explosion. Francis Scott Key gave us the rockets red
glare, and Shane Black gave us the giant building that blew up real
good because of a renegade cop with a death wish.
Our movies are big and bawdy and bold and unnecessarily loud. Our
people are big and bawdy and bold and unnecessarily loud, and that's
just Texas.
We can take the most epic, breathtaking and picturesque stories man
has ever created with nothing but a simple pen and paper and with the
right creative minds, an underpaid staff living in another country and
$250 million in backing, they can turn that story into 110 minutes of
pure crap and it'll make a hell of a lot of money.
Ok, so not all of our movies are perfect and we've introduced plot
clich鳠and techniques into film that have made movies seem more
homogenized than milk, but if you look past all the hype, the product
placements and Rob Schneider, you'll see a common thread that truly
defines us as a people, other than selling crap to make a hell of a
lot of money.
Just about every movie is about someone trying to find something:
love, truth, justice, hope, a smoking hot woman who works as a
stripper/steak chef. We're always trying to find something. The
Pilgrims tried to find it when they crossed the Atlantic. The Civil
Rights Movement tried to find it when they marched to the steps of the
Lincoln Memorial. Even now as we stare into the gaping mouth of
unmitigated horror, unrelenting fear and heart-wrenching pain, we're
still trying to find it.
We talk constantly about trying to achieve the American dream like
there's one dream shared by everyone, but the dream isn't the goal.
It's how you try to get there that matters, the fewer explosions, the
better.
======================================================
"Movies that Suck" is written and was created by Danny Gallagher.
To send suggestions, criticisms or threats to the author, drop him a
line online at dannyboythezombie@gmail.com.
Visit him on the web at http://www.dannygallagher.net.
(c) 2007 by Danny Gallagher
=======================================================
"Mo' Money"
OR
"Cash and Burn"
Pop quiz, hotshot. What's the most dangerous thing you can put in the
hands of a movie geek?
A gun? Nope, we're naturally docile and gentle creatures who wouldn't
wish our fellow man any harm, unless that fellow man happens to be Uwe
Boll.
A bat? Come on, we spent our childhood trying to avoid sporting
equipment of all kinds. What are we going to do with it now other than
humiliate and hurt ourselves?
A nuclear missile? Only if it's aimed towards Hollyweird.
The answer is money. We treat money like it's a drunk brother-in-law
on a couch. We'll do anything to get rid of it, even if that means
throwing out the couch.
Case in point: me. For the first time in my writing life, I'm ahead.
Hell, I've got more money in the bank than I've ever had in my life.
That might not be a lot when it comes to pure dollars, but this is
money I raised on my own through my career. Two months after I left
college, the one thing I took with me other than a lava lamp, a beat
up iMac and a collection of empty beer bottles was a lot of fear. All
of my friends had jobs at high profile places in big cities that they
drove to everyday in cars that were fully paid off in the first and
didn't come from the dealership with French fries wedged underneath
the seats. I was still living with my parents with a degree I thought
I'd never be able to use and a talent no one would appreciate. Four
years later, I have a roof over my head, a career that I'm proud of, a
car in the driveway with French fries that I left underneath the seat
myself and a small little nest egg in the bank that I helped grow with
my hands, my head and my soul.
I've got a lot to be thankful for and a lot to be proud of and I've
got something to show forhey, is that a Best Buy? Pull over!
I usually go to the local movie store just to browse around and maybe
pick up a couple of picks from the bargain rack that don't reek of old
cheese and feet just as a way to grow my modest but proud movie
collection and treat myself for a hard day's work. It's my therapy.
It's either that or beat things with shovels.
But this day is different. I've actually got money to burn. I can have
my cake and eat it too. I can burn my candle at both ends while I'm
letting the middle of the candle rest on my tongue.
So I'm up and down the aisles trying to rack my brain for the movie I
said I wanted the last time I was in a movie store with empty pockets
and jealous eyes. I always have this problem. I spend every other
minute of my life looking through Amazon.com or browsing Netflix for
junk I think is cool but can't buy and when I do go into a movie
store, my mind goes completely blank. Some people say that's God's way
of showing me he has a sense of humor. Well, somebody send him a joke
book because I ain't laughing.
But then I come across it, the complete "Monty Python's Flying
Circus"
DVD set. All 45 episodes and two bonus discs chocked full of live
stuff in one box so gigantic, it could replace one of the columns at
Stonehenge. The cardboard box is strewn with pastel orange and purple
colors surrounding clouds bearing the show's name like it was put on
the shelf by heaven's angels instead of some fat teenage clerk who's
probably just carrying chicken wings in his pockets. It's beautiful.
It's magnificent. It's $75 frigging dollars.
I don't even think twice about it. I rip the bulky bastard off the
shelf like it's the antidote to the poison in my belly, run to the
front of the store and slide my debit card through the scanner. I
walked out of the store with $75 plus tax of sheer joy in a plastic
yellow bag walking me to my car and a wallet that looks like it's on
the South Beach diet.
By now, I expected to feel guilty about blowing what I consider to be
so much money on something so insignificant. I spend my time bitching
about movie tickets more than most men over the age of 90 who can
remember a time when a bottle cap and shoes could get you into a movie
theater for an entire afternoon. But I didn't, not in the slightest.
It actually felt good, not "Hey I won the lottery" good or "Hey
I lost
my virginity to Halle Berry while bungie jumping" good. It was more
like "Hey, not all of my money was burned in that horrible gasoline
fire" good.
It felt good knowing that I can do something for myself and not worry
about the consequences or what repercussions what will happen in the
future. There's no point to it. You'll just drive yourself into a
frenzy that will eventually rival hardcore meth addicts.
The only thing you have any control over is how you get there and you
might as well enjoy yourself along the way.
======================================================
"Movies that Suck" is written and was created by Danny Gallagher.
To send suggestions, criticisms or threats to the author, drop him a
line online at dannyboythezombie@gmail.com.
Visit him on the web at http://www.dannygallagher.net.
(c) 2007 by Danny Gallagher
=======================================================
ӿӭ--------------------------CLASSIFIED
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