ӿӦlt;----------The
Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿӼbr>
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
Well ...our weather took a nasty turn for a few days with very
cold temperatures and wind chills that freeze exposed skin
in less than 10 minutes! It was REALLY COLD! But we
survived and it has warmed up a bit now.
On Saturday night I had a great time as I went to a live stage
performance of Rocky Horror Picture Show. I haven't seen a
live performance of anything in years ...and had never seen
RHPS live ...so it was fantastic. Had a great time ...lots of
fun and the audience (for the most part) was really into the
show. I still have "Time Warp" going
around in my brain...
guess it will be there for a while.
Do me a favour ...click a couple of links in todays issue and
check out the offers....these offers keep my ezine alive ...and
without a little support...the costs begin to get in the way.
Thanks. ;)
Today's issue includes contributions by: JB, Amy, Adrian,
Stan, Keli, Tammy, Ron, Carole.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@<remove
this>paulsfunhouse.com ">mailto:jokes@<remove this>paulsfunhouse.com</a>
ӿӭ------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Lets start with a quickie:
Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters
exclusively to lawyers?
It's called Sosumi.
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ӿӭ------------------LAUGHING
STALK--------------------------ӿӼbr>
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
Ask Your Doctor How Awesome Chipotle Is
Call the neighbors and wake the kids. It's time for
Mis-Use, Over-Use and General Uselessness.
At the beginning of each year, LSSU (official motto: "Hey, we're over
here!") releases its 32nd annual list of words it wants to ban from our
every day usage. And I agree with this year's list for the most part.
(For the entire list, go to www.lssu.edu/banished.)
I have covered the banned list for the past few years, and
detailed the
latest linguistic losses from LSSU's literary lance, although not so
alliteratively. Each year's entries include words that have been
overused, incorrectly used, or are just plain stupid, and should
therefore be banned. And this year's list is no exception.
In fact, you might say the list is "awesome." At least, you would if
LSSU hadn't nixed this one, although I disagree with their choice. I
happen to love the word.
LSSU originally gave it one-year moratorium when it was banished by
their famed Unicorn Hunters in 1984 ( along with
"gnarly," "totally,"
and "to the max"), with the hopes that the word would be
"rehabilitated
until it means 'fear mingled with admiration or reverence; a feeling
produced by something majestic.'"
(Example: "I think Erik Deckers is awesome.")
However, I think LSSU should have left this one alone. I use the word
frequently, and always mean 'admiration, reverence, and majestic' when I
do. You're getting married? Awesome. You're having a
baby? Awesome.
We're having steak tonight? Awesome.
Unfortunately, many of LSSU's contributors feel the word is now a
re-offender and should be banished forever. But don't worry, Awesome,
I'll fight for you with my last overly-cliched breath, because I think
you're just, well, really neat.
"Pwn" or "pwned" is a casualty that hails from the online
gaming world.
It's actually a typo, where someone types in "I pwn you" instead of
"I
own you."
"It has been overused to the point that people who play online games are
using it in every day speech," said contributor Tony Rowley of
"Dude, I 'pwn' you!" these gamers shout to each other as they work at
their shopping mall kiosks. "All your base are
belong to us!"
But being taunted by 30-year-old sci-fi geeks is better than being
involved in an armed robbery or drug deal "gone bad," especially
since
that phrase was also given the axe. I would think that any armed robbery
or drug deal "went bad" from the outset, since it was originally an
activity being carried out for nefarious purposes. It only gets worse if
someone dies as a direct result of it.
Still, if someone is on the wrong end of said armed robbery, they should
"ask their doctor" if hot lead slugs are right for them. Okay, maybe
they shouldn't, since LSSU banned that phrase too, calling
it "the
chewable vitamin morphine of marketing."
It's one of those phrases that serves as both a
warning and a marketing
call to action. The drug companies don't want you to spend sleepless
nights wondering if you should buy the drug, but they also don't want
you to ask just any clod for pharmaceutical advice.
"Boy, I'm sure glad that commercial told me to ask my doctor whether
them heart pills is right for me. I was gonna ask Big
Earl down at the
fillin' station."
You can't ask your doctor whether "we're pregnant" either, because
LSSU
has grounded that phrase for nine months. "We" ain't doing anything,
they contend. "She" is the one doing all the work, what with the
growing
stomach and mood swings. "He" just did that thing at the beginning,
and
then sits around and watches TV for the next nine months.
Or as Marlena Linne of
has given birth will tell you that 'WE' did not deliver the baby."
"Chipotle" also took a hit. The word, which is commonly misspelled on
restaurant menus as "chipoLTe," is nothing more than a roasted
jalapeno.
It's also the name of my third favorite burrito restaurant.
But LSSU has thrown this one out because, as contributor Rob Zeiger
said, "Now we have a 'chipotle' burrito with 'chipotle' marinated meat,
'chipotle' peppers, sprinkled with a 'chipotle' seasoning and smothered
in a 'chipotle' sauce."
Sounds chipot-alicious.
LSSU is already accepting nominations for the 2008 list at
www.lssu.edu/banished.
Just go to the website, submit your word, and if
you're lucky, your word will be seen far and wide, and written up in
next year's Laughing Stalk column.
How awesome is that?
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2007
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he
doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A gentleman goes to see the doctor about getting something done
about his missing penis, which he lost in the war. The doctor
asks the man how many males were in his family and the gentleman
replied seven. The doctor said if they all agreed, he could take
an inch off of each male and the gentleman would have a
eight
inch penis.
The gentleman asked the other males in his family if they would
agree to having the surgery and everyone said yes. The
next day
all eight males went into the hospital to have the surgery. After
it was all performed the doctor told the gentleman that he had a
brand new eight inch penis, but to be extremely careful with it
and to come back and see him in a week.
The next week the gentleman goes back to see the doctor and the
doctor asked him how his new penis was working. The gentleman
replied,
"Great doc, but I only have one question. Who's
brilliant idea
was it to put grandpa's part in the middle?"
ӿӭ----------------------QUICK
QUOTE----------------------------ӿӼbr>
If the guy who runs the car-crunching machine at the salvage yard ever
murders someone, I bet I know what he'll do with the body.
-David Gunter
ӿӭ----------------------SATIRE
BY SROKA----------------------ӿӼbr>
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿӭ----------------------BACK
ISSUES-------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Back issues (or archives) can be found at:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
">Archive</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest,
wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in
the hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss,
and gave her another hug and kiss when he left.
Later, the wife's roommate commented,
"Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine."
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ӿӭ----------------------DEEP
THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿӼbr>
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
What is it:
"Give it here!"
"NO, IT'S MINE!"
"I said let me have it!"
"NO! IT'S MY TURN!"
"Common! Give it to me!"
"
Figured it out yet? The answer is:
Siamese twins masturbating.
ӿӭ---------------------COLUMN
PREVIEW--------------------ӿӼbr>
With Resolution
by Sheila Moss
Well, it's the beginning of the year again and everyone is
talking about making New Year's resolutions, as if turning
the page on the calendar is incentive enough for ending all
bad habits and beginning of a new page in the book of life.
Now, I'm of the opinion that no one keeps New Year's resolutions
in spite of good intentions. Actually, if we need to make major
improvements in ourselves, we shouldn't wait for a New Year to
do so, but that seems to be a moot point.
If you must make resolutions, one of the most popular, and
probably the most needed, is the one to lose weight. About
80% of Americans could stand to shed a few pounds. Just
thinking about all the people wanting to lose weight is enough
to scare restaurant owners out of business. Unfortunately,
people have to eat, which is the only excuse most of us need.
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/newyears.htm ">Sheila
Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/newyears.htm
ӿӭ-----------------------JELLY
MOM--------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Lisa Barker is Jelly Mom and she writes a
syndicated humor column for parents & families.
View her latest column at:
<a href=" http://www.JellyMom.com
">Jelly Mom</a>
http://www.JellyMom.com
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ӿӭ-------------------IT'S
NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿӼbr>
This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lays
on the bed but the old woman lays on the floor. The old man
asks, "Why are you going to sleep on the floor?" The old
woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a
change."
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ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
On our first day of training for a charity parachute jump,
the instructor made an important point. "Start preparing for
landing when you're at 300 feet."
One student asked, "How do you know when you're at 300 feet"?
"A good question. At 300 feet, you can recognize
the faces
of people on the ground."
She thought about this for a moment before saying, "What
happens if there's no one there I know"?
ӿӭ------------------------WEIRD
NEWS---------------------------ӿӼbr>
A Romanian woman was sent the body of her dead father in the
mail after a cemetery was sold to developers. Aurelia Cenusa,
from Severin, says clergy in her father's hometown of Darvari,
300 miles away, told her the graveyard his body had been buried
in was to be sold and his body exhumed. She said she thought the
priest was joking when he told her to come and collect her father
Rafaila Cojocaru's remains - or receive them in the mail.
Cenusa said: "I had entered a lottery a few weeks ago and when
I got the large parcel I thought I had won something. "Instead
I
opened it up to find a banana crate containing the bones of my
dead father. You could still even see bits of his funeral suit
even though he died 16 years ago. "I told the priest to sell my
father's grave and I expected the Church would bury him somewhere
else. I had no idea he was being serious when he told me I would be
getting the skeleton through the mail if I didn't come. It's
outrageous." She added that she intended to sue church officials.
Local police have launched an investigation.
Weird News is a feature of this ezine...it contains a previously
published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see
here..please send the article, name of the publication
and date to
this ezine.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
The headwaiter of a five-star, elegant restaurant recoiled in
disgust as a man in muddy hipwader boots, torn jeans, a dirty
leather jacket, with long, stringy dirty hair, and a beard
full of old crumbs of food marched right towards him.
The man said, "Yo, bucko, where's your crapper?"
The headwaiter calmly replied, "Go down the hall and turn left.
When you see the sign marked 'Gentlemen', pay absolutely no
attention to it and go right inside."
ӿӭ---------------------DAILY
SNOPE--------------------------------ӿӼbr>
All the info that is fit to print ...
The Daily Snope is a comical look
at the days news!
Todays Top Story:
Man Burned After Cell Phone Catches Fire in Pants (Associated
Press)
It's every gadget fan's nightmare: A cell phone apparently ignited in
a man's pocket and started a fire that caused severe burns over half
his body.
<a href=" http://www.snopes.com/daily/
">Daily Snope</a>
http://www.snopes.com/daily/
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm.
As the passengers were being bounced around by the
turbulence a young woman turned to a minister sitting next
to her and with a nervous laugh asks, "Reverend, you're a
man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"
To which he replies, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."
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ӿӭ--------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
What do you call a nanny with breast implants?
A faux pair.
ӿӭ--------------------DANNY
GALLAGHER---------------------------ӿӼbr>
MOVIES THAT SUCK
BY DANNY GALLAGHER
"Icebreaker"
OR
"The Chill is Gone, The Chill is Gone Away"
(NOTE TO READERS: We humorists like to use a writing technique called
"exaggeration" to enhance the comedy in our essays, screenplays,
scripts, books and other hopeless projects that turn into dreams that
slip just out of our reach. "Exaggeration" involves taking events
from
reality to ridiculously high levels that no sane, rational person
could believe actually happened for hilarity to ensue. Despite your
initial instincts, the following essay does not employ the use of
exaggeration. We apologize for any unnecessary confusion. Thank you.)
Here in
it, "The Book of Revelations II: Electric Bugaloo."
The problem is
every other part of the year, the sun takes 12 hours out of it's busy
day to leave it's orbit and position itself directly over our little
patch of heaven so more young people will leave the state and more old
people who complain about the cold when someone leaves the
refrigerator door open, can pay less property taxes.
It started when the National Weather Service discovered an arctic cold
front working it's way down the country to our state,
and it reacted
the same way a family of baby chicks reacts when it discovers a boa
constrictor moved into the house at the end of the block.
Weathermen interrupted regular programming to announce the news, which
you can tell is an actual emergency since they refused to interrupt
"American Idol" so the president could warn the nation about the
possibility of another terrorist attack.
"The cold weather is coming!" some bow-tied weatherman said.
"We're
all gonna die! Hide in your bathrooms. Move into your closet. And for
God's sake, don't go outside! The mere whiff of arctic ice could enter
your airways, eat your brain and chip away at the very fabric of your
soul. Now let's go back to John with sports, so I can put on a clean
pair of pants."
Of course, when the people saw something cold was headed their way,
but ignored the reports and warnings and reacted in a way they felt
better merited the situation they started burning things. They felt
the best way to confront cold is with heat and if everything is
burning, it would protect them from the ice, sleet and snow. So people
roamed the streets with torches and gasoline cans in tow and started
setting fire to everything in sight houses, streets, trees, even
fire hydrants thereby ensuring the fires could not be extinguished.
Unfortunately, the flames died out before the cold weather could pass
because the state ran out of kindling when it burned all the Dairy
Queen franchises and Texaco raised gas prices by $3 a gallon when they
realize we were using so much of it. So we stood in our cities
surrounded by charred remains worrying about the cold that was to
come. We considered using people for kindling to restart the fires,
but those plans were scrapped when we realized that was, in fact,
illegal.
Then, right on schedule, the cold weather covered the
in an icy freeze turning our barbecued land into a frozen porksicle.
The roads froze. A centimeter deep blanket of snow covered the
landscape. Beautiful rainbows formed on the ground through delicate
icicles that hung from leafless tree branches. Then less than a day
later, the sun shone in the
serene snow land melted away.
That's when
threat of Old Man Winter. All this time we've been trying to build a
wall to block the
building one to block the arctic air coming from
The price of bricks begins to rise.
======================================================
"Movies that Suck" is written and was created by Danny Gallagher.
To subscribe to his other weekly columns or to send suggestions,
criticisms or threats to the author, drop him a line online at
dannyboythezombie@gmail.com.
Visit him on the web at http://www.dannygallagher.net.
(c) 2007 by Danny Gallagher
======================================================
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