ӿӦlt;----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour
---------->ӿӼbr>
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
Well the WWE has made mainstream international news
coverage this week and it is certainly NOT for a good
reason. Canadian wrestler Chris Benoit killed is wife
and seven year old son before hanging himself. I have
been a big wrestling fan for years and when I first heard
of Chris' death on Monday evening I was shocked and
saddened that another young life was lost. But as
the details began to be released I went from sadness
to anger. One of my heros (and the hero of
thousands
of others) left this world in a terrible manner. Death by
suicide is terrible but to take his wife and young son
with him makes this all the more tragic. I am sure that
there will be all sorts of speculation over the coming
weeks about how wrestling caused this tragedy...but
wrestling is just entertainment and Chris could have
been an actor or sports star and still committed this
crime. It is NOT wrestling that caused this incident,
it was a sick man! Chris is no longer a hero in my
mind...he is a coward! What a sad sad story.
On a much brighter note ...this weekend is
Day and once again I am part of the local celebrations.
On Sunday we plan an all-day party in our community
that ends with a huge fireworks display. Hopefully
the weather holds out and we don't see some of the
nasty weather that has been occuring in
over the last week.
Today's issue includes contributions by: JB, Keli, Terri,
Dave, Rubin, Joanie, Tammy.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@<remove
this>paulsfunhouse.com ">mailto:jokes@<remove this>paulsfunhouse.com</a>
ӿӭ------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Lets start with a quickie:
Two blondes walk into a building,
You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
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ӿӭ------------------LAUGHING
STALK--------------------------ӿӼbr>
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
British Teachers to Offer Walking Lessons
Have you ever been in a situation where you said, "Boy, I wish I knew
how to walk better?" Complex tasks like carrying a bag, walking over
rough terrain, going out for a Sunday stroll, or -- *gasp* -- walking
and chewing gum at the same time?
You've cursed your embarrassing lack of knowledge of this basic skill.
You've stumbled and dragged yourself to your therapist's office, and
filled his ears with stories about how your parents only taught you the
basic walking technique. You broke down and sobbed when you realized
they never taught you how to walk on different terrains and situations.
You've prayed that this new generation of students aren't cursed with
your same shortcomings, forced to shuffle and shamble through life,
while the smart kids -- the lucky kids -- walk, mosey, and meander their
way down Easy Street.
If you're one of those unlucky few, take heart. There's a new voice to
speak for the non-perambulators of the world. An educational
beacon to
show schoolchildren the way to proper walking. The British educational
system is about to be changed as we know it by one man: Martin Johnson,
acting deputy general secretary of
Lecturers (ATL).
According to a March 2007 article, in
Johnson said he wanted to do away with the national curriculum, and
teach important life skills, like how to walk. He said children could
learn a lot from walking, because they need different techniques for
different situations, whether they are ? I'm not
making this up ? going
for a Sunday stroll, exploring cliffs, or trying to catch a train.
I'm no education expert, but I always thought walking was walking. But
Johnson disagrees.
"Since in a green world people will be walking more than Western
societies are currently doing, it would be as well that we spent an hour
or so of compulsory education in teaching young people how to walk
efficiently, and the joy of walking," Johnson told the Daily Mail. With
a straight face, no less.
Shows what I know. Here I thought the old "left foot, right foot, repeat
as needed"would pretty much cover any situation in which I might find
myself. But apparently I've been doing it all wrong.
(Which means my newly developed style of swinging my arms windmill-style
and giving a short hop on every fifth step probably wouldn't meet
Johnson's definition of efficient either.)
According to the Daily Mail, Johnson calls
"totalitarian," because it favors academic education over other types
of
knowledge. He thinks physical and manual skills should carry more
weight, and that the curriculum should no longer prescribe facts,
figures, or specific subjects.
"For the state to suggest that some knowledge should be privileged over
other knowledge is a bit totalitarian in a 21st century environment,"
Johnson said. In other words, he thinks the old standards like reading,
math, and history should be replaced by walking, running, and eating
with a fork.
A few years ago, I wrote about some American schools that were
eliminating certain tests, rather than work harder and teach better,
because students were failing them. But those guys look like geniuses
compared to Johnson, who is proposing to do away with entire chunks of a
standard education, so the teachers can measure whether students walk
correctly. I just can't see how that will help later in life.
Interviewer: So, Mr. Gillespie, why do you want to become a nuclear
engineer?
Gillespie: Because I was the best walking-to-catch-a-train student in my
school.
It gets worse. A few days later, after everyone in the free world made
fun of Johnson, the ATL said they stood by his remarks and moronic
ideas.
A spokeswoman for the ATL told the Daily Mail, "It was an aside. He was
thinking on his feet trying to find an example of a physical skill which
children need."
THAT is thinking on his feet? Teaching children different walking
techniques is the best he could come up with at the spur of the moment?
I wonder what brilliant life skills he could have thought of if he'd had
more time. Eating Noodles? Turning Book Pages? Going to the Big Boy
Potty?
The mind staggers at the sheer lunacy of it all. But thanks to the
education revolution, British children will stagger no more. And who
knows, maybe one day, they'll even offer private lessons to those of us
who have been walking wrong all these years.
I would call to find out, but no one taught me to dial the phone.
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2007
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he
doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Son asked his mother the following question: "Mom, why are
wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows
your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this
with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son,
all household appliances come in white."
ӿӭ----------------------QUICK
QUOTE----------------------------ӿӼbr>
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got
the guts to bite people themselves."
-August Strindberg
ӿӭ----------------------SATIRE
BY SROKA----------------------ӿӼbr>
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿӭ----------------------BACK
ISSUES-------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Back issues (or archives) can be found at:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
">Archive</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with
grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the
least accessible corner.
Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is
directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never
get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work
because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will
have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one
you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in
now.
Law of the
the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you
know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be
seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine
won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre: At any event, the people whose seats are
furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,
you boss will ask you to do something which will last until the
coffee is cold.
Murphys Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a
locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs and Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly
sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly
correlated to the newness and cost of the carpeting.
Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't
know what you are talking about.
Browns Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Olivers Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
like, they will stop making it.
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ӿӭ----------------------DEEP
THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿӼbr>
I was thinking about how the status symbols of today are those
cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one so
I'm wearing my garage door opener.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
At the Golf Course:
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee
off.
ӿӭ---------------------COLUMN
PREVIEW--------------------ӿӼbr>
Wake Up and Smell the Coffeepot Melting
by Sheila Moss
How do you know when it's going to be a bad day? For starters,
it might be a bad day if you wake up to the sound of the smoke
alarm going off at
day.
With the alarm screaming, I hit the floor and ran down the hall
to see what was going on. I couldn't see anything because in
the excitement I forgot all about putting on my glasses.
FIRE! FIRE!
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/coffeepotmelt.htm
">Sheila Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/coffeepotmelt.htm
ӿӭ-----------------------JELLY
MOM--------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Lisa Barker is Jelly Mom and she writes a
syndicated humor column for parents & families.
View her latest column at:
<a href=" http://www.JellyMom.com
">Jelly Mom</a>
http://www.JellyMom.com
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ӿӭ-------------------IT'S
NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Peter and Alfred Nussbaum were tailors and partners in the firm
Nussbaum Brothers. After many years they decided to Anglicize
their names and henceforth the firm should be known as the
Nuss Brothers.
After completing the legal paperwork, they informed the
receptionist, Ethel, that from Monday on she should answer the
phone as "Nuss Brothers."
"I quit," said Ethel.
"But why?", asked Peter, "the pay and
benefits will be the
same!"
"Yeah? Well, YOU answer the phone then. I don't want to answer
and find that the caller says he wants to speak with Mr. Nuss.
Then I have to say..... "Yes Sir; which one? P-Nuss or A-Nuss?"
ӿӭ-------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿӼbr>
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ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway offramp.
Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house
and has a lot of money to spend. Carlos only brings in
20 to 30 dollars a day. Carlos asks Jose how he can
bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.
Jose says, "Look at your sign." It reads: "I have no
work, a wife & 6 kids tosupport"
Carlos looks at Jose's sign. It reads: "I only need another
$10.00 to move back to
ӿӭ------------------------WEIRD
NEWS---------------------------ӿӼbr>
The UK Trading Standards Office (TSO) which regulates such things as
pastry names recently swooped down on a baker in England and
ordered her to change the names of her pastries. For years,
Val Temple has run a small pastry business in
called Sgt. Bun Bakery and features such pastry greats as
Paradise Slice and Pig Tarts.
The TSO sent her a notice ordering she change the names of these
two pastries because the Paradise Slice does not come from "
and the Pig Tarts do not contain Pork!
The 60 year old
Shepherd's Pie was next on the hit list because it is not made from
shepherds!
Weird News is a feature of this ezine...it contains a previously
published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see
here..please send the article, name of the publication
and date to
this ezine.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A sweet little old lady surprised the young social worker that was
interviewing her when she volunteered, " Of
course I believe in sex on the
first date. "
"That's pretty modern thinking for an 80-year-old woman," the social
worker commented.
"Well honey, you know one can never be sure of having a
the second date
with these old guys!"
ӿӭ---------------------DAILY
SNOPE--------------------------------ӿӼbr>
All the info that is fit to print ...
The Daily Snope is a comical look
at the days news!
Todays Top Story:
Man with Headache Finds Bullet in Head (Associated Press)
A woman was arrested after her husband woke up in the middle
of the night with a terrible headache and later learned he
had a bullet lodged in his head.
<a href=" http://www.snopes.com/daily/
">Daily Snope</a>
http://www.snopes.com/daily/
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they
spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the
following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.
They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got
retarded and they moved to
box and have rocks painted green to look like grass.
They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags, because
they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building
called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed,
because it is all okay now and they do exercises there, but
they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all jump up
and down with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man
sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape.
Sometimes they sneak out. They go cruising in their golf
carts!
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the
same thing every night: early birds.
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll
house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the
wrecked center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn
his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be
retarded someday too.
When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the
doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit
their grandchildren!
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ӿӭ--------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
What's the difference between apathy and ignorance?
I don't know and I don't care.
ӿӭ--------------------DANNY
GALLAGHER---------------------------ӿӼbr>
MOVIES THAT SUCK
BY DANNY GALLAGHER
Removed at author's request
======================================================
"Movies that Suck" is written and was created by Danny Gallagher.
To send suggestions, criticisms or threats to the author, drop him a
line online at dannyboythezombie@gmail.com.
Visit him on the web at http://www.dannygallagher.net.
(c) 2007 by Danny Gallagher
=======================================================
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