ӿӦlt;----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour
---------->ӿӼbr>
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
Wow ...it has been tough getting an issue together for the past
few weeks. Last week I was in
saying that fast three times) for a conference.
Previous to that
my real life job kept getting in my way. I am going to try and
put out an issue as often as I can but no promises.
I would like to thank those of you who answered the call to
donate a little to my cause and keep me going. I'd especially
like to thank Al ( I hope you know who you are) for
his cheque
that came in the mail. Nice to have friends who are out
there
to support you in a time of need. For anyone else who would
like to open their wallets a bit and send me a couple of dollars
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and website:
<a href=" http://www.canadianstalk.ca/
">Canadians Talk</a>
http://www.canadianstalk.ca/
This is a great site for news and information and general chat
about Canadian and world issues with a Canadian slant. Its
a really nice fun place. Stop by and say hi.
Because I have missed a few issues .. I am offering
this issue
as an AD-FREE issue for you. NONE of the above were
paid
ads. Enjoy this issue and hopefully I will be back again next
week.
Today's issue includes contributions by: Dave, Sherri, Keli,
JB,
Rubin, Joanie, Gina.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@<remove this>paulsfunhouse.com ">mailto:jokes@<remove
this>paulsfunhouse.com</a>
ӿӭ------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr> Lets start with a quickie:
A woman stands naked in front of the mirror and says: " I am fat, ugly,
old,
my skin is full of creases and my boobs are sagging. Give me a
compliment."
The man replies:" There is nothing wrong with your eyes."
ӿӭ------------------LAUGHING
STALK--------------------------ӿӼbr>
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
Weapons of Mass Flatulence
While most people believe the U.S. Department of Defense only wants to
kill people, that's not entirely true. They also want to make enemy
soldiers get stung by angry wasps, get blamed for farting, and turn them
gay.
My brother sent me a story from the BBC about a project proposed by the
U.S. Air Force Wright Laboratory in
"Harassing, Annoying, and 'Bad Guy' Identifying Chemicals," came to
light after the Sunshine Project, a military watchdog group, obtained a
copy through the Freedom of Information Act.
In 1994, Wright Labs sent a proposal for a six-year, $7.5 million
project to develop chemicals to turn soldiers gay, attract angry wasps
or rats, cause severe halitosis, and simulate flatulence among enemy
troops, also called the "Who? Me?" bomb.
My brother and I have the maturity of a couple of 12-year-olds, so he
knew this story would appeal to me greatly.
The "love bomb" would have caused widespread homosexual behavior
among
enemy soldiers, resulting in a "distasteful, but completely
non-lethal"
collapse of the enemy's military.
Edward Hammond, a Sunshine Project spokesman, told KPIX-TV in
Francisco
ineffective because "their units (would) break down because all their
soldiers became irresistibly attractive to one another."
(I'll leave any jokes about little blue pills and broken-down units to
you.)
The report did not mention what effect the "love bomb" would have on
soldiers who were already gay.
Military officials told KPIX-TV that while they did consider the love
bomb, they quickly rejected it.
But Wright Labs didn't put all their heat-seeking chickens in one
basket. They had several other non-lethal ideas, including a "sting
me/attack me" chemical weapon that would attract swarms of angry wasps
toward enemy troops. Personally, I don't see what damage a bunch of
middle-class Protestants from
Wright Labs credit for thinking outside the box.
According to the report, the "sting me/attack me" chemical was
supposed
to attract "stinging and biting bugs, rodents, and large animals."
Given
my own experience with stinging and biting bugs, they
could achieve the
same effect by sending half a million enemy combatants on a Sunday
picnic.
My personal favorite was the "Who? Me?" bomb, a silent, but deadly
idea
that has been around since the mid-1940s. This little gem was supposed
to simulate flatulence among enemy ranks. I don't know what effect it
was supposed to have, but it's clear the researchers weren't clear on
the expected results.
Do the math. Female soldiers notwithstanding, militaries around the
world are made up primarily of Guys. Guys who think bodily functions are
hilarious. Guys who will fart at each other to get a laugh.
Guys who
think "pull my finger" is sheer comedic
genius.
Guys like me and my brother.
What did the researchers expect to happen if they dropped this
particular dirty bomb? Would the soldiers become so overwhelmed they
would flee in terror? Shoot each other in disgust? More likely, they
would collapse in a giggling heap, shouting, "Dude, that's nasty! What
died inside you?"
Unfortunately, for humorists everywhere, the researchers decided the
fart bomb was doomed to fail. According to the BBC story, they concluded
"people in many areas of the world do not find fecal odor offensive,
since they smell it on a regular basis."
But if fart bombs aren't your cup of beans, the researchers also
proposed a chemical agent that would cause severe halitosis. With
horribly bad breath, enemy troops wouldn't be able to blend in with
civilians, making them easy to identify. The downside is that it would
also negate the effects of the love bomb, since nothing kills a sex
drive like killer morning breath.
Ultimately, all these ideas were turned down by the Pentagon. Captain
Dan McSweeney of the Joint Non-Lethal Weapons
Directorate told the BBC
they receive "literally hundreds" of project ideas similar to this
one,
but none of Wright Labs' suggestions ever made it past the proposal
stage.
Still, the Non-Lethal Lads of Dayton shouldn't give up, just because of
one little setback. There are a lot of devices and agents they could
create. How about a chemical that makes people want to watch Oprah and
boxes of eat diet cookies? Or an amber liquid that, when drunk in large
quantities, makes fast cars driving around in circles exciting? Or a
device that makes people forget about all the
important global current
events, and focus all their attention on Paris Hilton's prison stay?
Boy, it's a good thing no one has invented those things yet.
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2007
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at
night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he
doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
LARRY: When I was working in
have sex with me.
MIKE: You what? You gave a girl $400 for sex?
LARRY: YEP
MIKE: DAMN, what did she look like?
LARRY: She had big tits and blonde hair.
MIKE: Larry, was it worth it?
LARRY: Nope, that's why I stopped payment on the check.
MIKE: Are you telling me that you found a girl that would take a check
for sex? Then you stopped payment on the check because it wasn't any good?
LARRY: YEP, $400.
MIKE: Does your wife know about this?
LARRY: YEP
MIKE: And just what did she have to say?
LARRY: She wasn't very happy, and she doesn't let me carry the checkbook
anymore.
ӿӭ----------------------QUICK
QUOTE----------------------------ӿӼbr>
"In
man was arrested for publicly masturbating.
Not surprisingly, the man doesn't want a lawyer
because he claims he can get himself off."
-Conan O'Brien
ӿӭ----------------------SATIRE
BY SROKA----------------------ӿӼbr>
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿӭ----------------------BACK
ISSUES-------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Back issues (or archives) can be found at:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
">Archive</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Two elderly friends, Morris and Sam, met in the park every day to feed
the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Morris didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured
maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Morris hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam got worried.
Unfortunately he didn't know where Morris lived, so he was unable to find
out what had happened to him.
After a month passed, Sam figured he had seen the last of Morris, but one
day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold there sat Morris!
Sam,excited and happy, said
how glad he was to see him, then blurted out,
"For crying out loud, what on earth happened to you?"
"I've been in jail," Morris said, with some embarrassment.
"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Morris said, "you know Marilyn ,
that cute little blonde waitress at
the coffee shop where we sometimes go?"
"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old,
I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.
"And you were convicted of rape?", asked
Sam, stunned.
Morris replied, "No, the judge gave me thirty days for perjury."
ӿӭ----------------------DEEP
THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿӼbr>
You should never say anything to a woman that
even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant
unless you can see an actual baby emerging from
her at that moment.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Four-year-old Mitch loved candy almost as much as his mom Ann did.
He and Daddy had given her a beautiful heart-shaped box of chocolates
for Valentine's Day. A few days later Mitch was eyeing it, wishing
to have a piece of it. As he reached out to touch one of the big
pieces, Ann said to him, "If you touch it, then you have to eat
it. Do you understand?"
"Oh, yes," he said, nodding his head. Suddenly his little hand
patted the tops of all the pieces of candy. "Now I can eat them
all."
ӿӭ---------------------COLUMN
PREVIEW--------------------ӿӼbr>
Not Amused by Amusement Park
by Sheila Moss
I was practically certain that I was too old for amusement parks.
My spouse loves amusement parks. He is a big, overgrown kid who
still wants to ride on the rides. I tolerate them.
We heard about an amusement park in
away and it seemed like a good weekend adventure. We took my grandson
along for an excuse, though my honey really didn't need an excuse.
This place turned out to be a kiddy park, which was okay since my
grandson is a kiddy and so is honey. They had a few adult-type rides,
but for the most part it seemed to be more like the place where old
amusement park rides go before they die.
I agreed to go on a ride called the Tilt-A-Whirl. Silly me.
"Isn't this fun?" yelled honey, as it slung us around in circles.
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/amusementpark.htm
">Sheila Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/amusementpark.htm
ӿӭ-----------------------JELLY
MOM--------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Lisa Barker is Jelly Mom and she writes a
syndicated humor column for parents & families.
View her latest column at:
<a href=" http://www.JellyMom.com ">Jelly Mom</a>
http://www.JellyMom.com
ӿӭ-------------------IT'S
NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Albert Einstein was born on
the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal,
after his
first marriage dissolved in 1919.
He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because
she was well
endowed, and postulated that if you are attracted to women with
large
breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection.
This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relatve Titty.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really
hot girl in his office... but she was dating someone else.
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll
give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you...
"The girl looked at him, and then said, "NO!"
Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor,
you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her
boyfriend...so she called him and explained the
situation.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really
fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."
She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his
girlfriend's call.
Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what
happened...?
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had
all
quarters!"
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's
entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.
ӿӭ------------------------WEIRD
NEWS---------------------------ӿӼbr>
A vibrating condom has sparked a row in
it's a contraceptive or a sex toy. The pack of three condoms,
branded as Crezendo, contains a battery-operated
ring-like
device, reports the BBC. Critics say it's a vibrator, and
should be banned under Indian laws which outlaw sex toys
and pornography.
The Crezendo has caused further outrage in the state
of Madhya
Pradesh, because a government-owned company is involved in
marketing it. Makers Hindustan Latex say the Crezendo, which
sells for $3.00 a pack, "provides ultimate pleasure by
producing strong vibrations". Madhya Pradesh minister for
road and energy, Kailash Vijayvargiya,
argues that it is
nothing more than a sex toy. "Sex toys are banned in
the vibrating device is nothing but a sex toy being sold as
condoms," he said.
"The government's job is to promote family planning and population
control measures rather than market products for sexual pleasure."
But Hindustan Latex says that the new condom was launched to promote
the use of condoms in order to prevent the spread of Aids. "The
product was launched with the primary objective of addressing a fall
in condom usage... A major reason cited by users was the lack of
pleasure when using condoms," said company spokesman
Weird News is a feature of this ezine...it contains a previously
published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see
here..please send the
article, name of the publication and date to
this ezine.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A airplane is in mid-flight over the ocean when
Suddenly the cockpit door bursts open to reveal
An armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot,
Co-pilot, navigator and stewardess.
He held a gun to the pilot's head and said,
"Take this plane to
Your brains all over the place."
The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun
Aside and says, "Look buddy, if you shoot me
This plane will crash right into the sea and
You'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun
To the co-pilot's head and said, "Take this plane
To Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the
place."
The co-pilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside
And said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and
He could keel over at the shock of my being killed.
So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right
Into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of
us."
The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held
The gun to the navigator's head and repeated,
"Take this plane
To Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the
place."
The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said,
"I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no
Sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out
Of a paper bag much less get this plane to
Me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and
you'll
Die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held
The gun to the stewardess's head and demanded,
"Take this plane
To Iraq or I'm gonna spill HER brains all over the
place."
No one says a word, but the stewardess leaned over and
Whispered something into the hijacker's ear. He turned
Beet red, dropped his gun, and ran out of the cockpit
In a panic. The crew tracked down the hijacker, who
was
Found cowering behind some crates in the hold, and
tied him up.
The pilot then asked the stewardess what she said that
Terrified the man so. "I told him, sir," she
replied,
"that if he killed me, he'd be the one who'd have
to
Give you guys your blowjobs."
ӿӭ---------------------DAILY
SNOPE--------------------------------ӿӼbr>
All the info that is fit to print ...
The Daily Snope is a comical look
at the days news!
Todays Top Story:
Teen Unplugs 'Noisy' Life Support Machine (Independent Online)
A teenager in intensive care unplugged his neighbour's
life
support machine because the noise was keeping him awake.
<a href=" http://www.snopes.com/daily/
">Daily Snope</a>
http://www.snopes.com/daily/
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that
I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always something more
important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I
arrived home
one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a
tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then
went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I
handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
Moral to this story: Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always
right, and the other is the husband.
ӿӭ--------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?
A roaming catholic.
ӿӭ--------------------DANNY
GALLAGHER---------------------------ӿӼbr>
MOVIES THAT SUCK
BY DANNY GALLAGHER
"Fever Pitch"
OR
"The Redcoats are Shooting! The Redcoats are Shooting!"
My love for "Shaun of the Dead" and "Hot Fuzz," the brain
child of the
creative team of Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg, is well
known. It's
gotten to a point that it's a hard love to hide and it's starting to
scare me. I'm hoping I can show my appreciation for their work from
their movies to their Britcom "Spaced" in
person with a hearty
handshake and a beer at the bar, not an anonymous letter and
instructions for a drop point.
Rumor has it the threesome of Wright, Pegg and Nick
Frost are working
on a third film as a trilogy of sorts of British odes to American
films, but the rumor mill must be on a break. When "Shaun" came out
and gave geeks a new reason to live since hot girls stopping being an
option since Kevin Smith's career started fizzling, buzz about "Hot
Fuzz" followed just weeks after it hit American shores. But now weeks
later, there's no word from them. The Internet Movie Database shows
they are working on a new British sitcom about trivia pub leagues
called "La Trivita," but no word on their
next movie. My stalker
network isn't picking anything up either.
Maybe they just need a bright idea. Here's the windup and the pitch.
"Sliced Dick" The twosome take on the American slasher
movie with
this twisted tale of relentless revenge and British cuisine. One of
the queen's former private chefs begins knocking off the enemies that
knocked him out of his dream cooking job in deliciously deadly ways,
well as delicious as British food can be. Beware that dark face in the
porkpie hat and the red striped rugby shirt.
"Unnecessary Wickets" The small British town of
danger of financial bankruptcy and the only thing that can breathe
life into it is the town's new cricket stadium built on a bond
approved by voters who thought they were voting on a clean air and
water ordinance. But one wily coach takes a chance on a group of angry
ex-soccer players fresh out of jail for assault charges who
aren't
afraid to crack a few skulls on the creases or bowl a batter's brains
out.
"Big Nigel" A pair of British
restaurateurs/brothers are trying to
keep their tiny British restaurant afloat when a rival owner tells
them he is inviting Ringo Starr to a special dinner
at their eatery.
The brothers have to overcome their differences, their egos and the
horrible nature of British cuisine to cook the greatest meal of their
lives.
"For a Few Pences More" Just because Great
British isn't in the
Western hemisphere doesn't mean they can't make a kick ass western. In
this British take on the American western, a British couple
take a
trip to
society and end up getting a no-holds barred gun battle when they
infect their cattle supply with Hoof and Mouth disease.
"Captain
epic tale of
mild-mannered fish and chips shop owner by day turns into Captain
rock bands,
taking their best movie directors.
======================================================
"Movies that Suck" is written and was created by Danny Gallagher.
To send suggestions, criticisms or threats to the author, drop him a
line online at dannyboythezombie@gmail.com.
Visit him on the web at http://www.dannygallagher.net.
(c) 2007 by Danny Gallagher
=======================================================
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