ӿӦlt;----------The
Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿӼbr>
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
So lets see ....last week just didn't seem very funny so I took
a break ...this week isn't much funnier but I will give it a try. I
still need your support so if you can find it in you to help me
out a bit to keep this ezine going then I would appreciate a
click below. Thanks to those of you who have sent a little
something my way ...every little bit helps!
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html
">Donate</a>
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So this past weekend was a holiday weekend in
it was a terrrible one here. Cold, very cold, and wet ...right now
I am concerned ...the old man across the street from us is
building something that looks like an ark ... I guess I should
have been nicer to him! ;)
The long weekend is coming up in the
the best raceday. As many of you know I am a HUGE fan of
auto racing and on the Memorial Day weekend we are lucky
to get the Indy 500 and the Coca Cola 600 on the same day!
1100 miles of racing that usually occupies my TV time for
the whole day! Well not this year...unfortunately someone
decided that this coming weekend would be a good weekend
to hold a meeting and I am going to be stuck inside in major
discussions all weekend while my racers are having their fun!
This is the first time I have ever missed both races ...I will be
going through with-drawal!!!!!
And finally ...well I guess my "free cat" giveaway was not
a good idea. But guess what ...I really don't care! ;) To
those of you who didn't see the funny side of it ...oh well
get a funny bone implant! To the rest of you who got a case
of the giggles ...way to go ...you took it in the grain of humour
that it was intended. So now I am looking for the next big
and funny image to put up there.
Today's issue includes contributions by: Corey, JB, Dave, Tammy,
Adrian, Bugsmasher, Carole, Rubin.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@<remove
this>paulsfunhouse.com ">mailto:jokes@<remove this>paulsfunhouse.com</a>
ӿӭ------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Lets start with a quickie:
What kind of fun does a priest have?
'Nun'.
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ӿӭ------------------LAUGHING
STALK--------------------------ӿӼbr>
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
Is Being a Hypochondriac Contagious?
As veteran parents, my wife and I have quit worrying about illnesses. We
give the kids their medicine, tell them where to find the 7-Up and
Saltines, and let them watch as much TV as they want. Not like when we
were new parents, when Oldest Daughter (known as Only Child back then)
would get sick.
Back then, a childhood illness was cause for a major freakout for us. At
the first sniffle, we would look at each other with horror and race to
the "So, You're a First Time Parent?" emergency home medical guide.
We
hovered so much, the local TV station asked us to do the morning traffic
reports.
"What do we do?!" my wife would wail to her mother at
Her mother was an expert at childhood illnesses, and I was sure she knew
every instant cure in the book.
"What'd she say?!" I'd ask. "What sort of expert advice did she
give?"
"Just give her plenty of liquids and rest."
"Liquids and rest?! What's next, blood letting and leeches?! There's got
to be a cure. What about chicken soup? Or green tea? Or lemons?"
Truth be told, I wasn't that worried about Only Child. I knew she would
be fine. She barely even knew she was sick, and was annoyed when we made
her lay down, because she had to stop playing.
I was more worried about me. I knew that if Only Child was sick, I
wasn't too far behind. I didn't want the personal suffering and agony
that often followed my daughter's illnesses.
I'm a wuss when I'm sick. The problem is, I can't act like one, since my
wife handles her illnesses like a tough guy. She only gets bed rest when
she's at death's door. I, on the other hand, start whining and fussing
as soon as I enter death's zip code.
But I've gotten much better since the time I nearly had meningitis.
It was 1991, and I was a residence hall director at
of
And as everyone knows, killer germs will often travel the freeways,
looking for unsuspecting victims.
A day or two later, I began feeling a little sick. I was a little warm,
my head hurt, I was coughing a lot, and my sinuses felt like they had
been sprayed with lemon juice. Plus, we had just been advised that
residence halls were perfect breeding grounds for meningitis, and as the
guy in charge, I was Target Zero. I had never heard of this mystery
disease before, but I was pretty sure that's why I was feeling so lousy.
"I think I've got that thing that kid from the U of I has," I said to
my
friend, Heidi.
"What thing?"
"You know, the kid in the hospital. They said the symptoms were a
headache, coughing, and a fever. I've got it."
"You don't have it."
I pleaded with her to go to the school health center with me. "What if I
collapse on the way there?" I whined. She went.
"What's the problem?" the nurse asked. She had just come out to
see why
I was bothering her.
"I think I've got that man thing," I said.
"What man thing?"
"The thing that kid at the U of I has."
A look of understanding flashed across her face, followed by a much
longer look of annoyance. "Do you mean meningitis?"
"Yeah, that's the one. Will I need to go to the hospital?"
She clapped her hand to my forehead, rather more forcefully than was
necessary. "You're not very hot."
"My girlfriend thinks I'm handsome." Even at death's door, I was
still
witty.
"Do you have a productive cough?"
"No, I've been coughing so much, I can't get any work done."
She sighed. "I mean, does stuff come out when you cough?"
"No. Is that bad?"
"It means you have a cold, not meningitis. Go home and get plenty of
liquids and rest."
Know-nothing quack, I thought. I could be dead by morning.
But ever since I became a dad, I've had to learn to suck it up and quit
complaining. When my own kids won't even stop playing for a major
illness, I can't start whining for "crackies and drink" whenever I
get
the sniffles.
But if I ever die from a sinus infection, I told you so.
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2007
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Because I'm a man,
When I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat
hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is
not an option. I will win.
Because I'm a man,
When the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood
and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at.
If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other,
"I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all
these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to
start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break
wind, as a form of Holy Communion.
Because I'm a man,
When I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and
take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman.
You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no
problem.
Because I'm a man,
I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the
store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find
exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these
are the same thing.
Because I'm a man,
When one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on
taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost
me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has
to put it back together.
Because I'm a man,
I must hold the television remote control in my hand while
I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a
whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to
survive by holding a calculator instead (applies to
engineers only)
Because I'm a man,
There is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The
true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex.
I have to make up something else when you ask, so just don't
ask.
Because I'm a man,
You don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are,
if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't . . . and if you
are feeling amorous afterwards then I will certainly at least
remember the name and recommend it to others.
Because I'm a man,
I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were
wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes
is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. It does
not make your ass look too big. It was the pasta and potatoes
and margaritas that did that. Your hair is fine. You look
fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man,
And this is, after all, the year 2007, I will share equally
in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the
cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.
Like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering
what to do.
This has been a public service message for women to better
understand men.
ӿӭ----------------------QUICK
QUOTE----------------------------ӿӼbr>
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I
think that's how dogs spend their lives.
-Steven Wright
ӿӭ----------------------SATIRE
BY SROKA----------------------ӿӼbr>
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿӭ----------------------BACK
ISSUES-------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Back issues (or archives) can be found at:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
">Archive</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
I found myself chatting with a slightly middle-aged woman
at a club last night. She looked pretty good for 57. We
drank a few, and a had a few hugs, and she asked if I'd
ever had a Sportsman's Double.
"What's that?" I asked.
"It's a mother-and-daughter threesome," she said.
"Wow," I said, "No, never had anything like THAT."
We drank a bit more, then she said that it must be my lucky
night - and the two of us went to her place. She turned on
the hall light as we arrived and shouted upstairs, "You
still awake, Mom?"
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ӿӭ----------------------DEEP
THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿӼbr>
You will never find anybody who can give you a
clear and compelling reason why we observe
daylight-saving time.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A brunette and a blonde were speeding down the street
when they passed a cop. "Oh no!" cried the brunette.
"Is he following me?" "Yep," replied the blonde.
"I'm going to drive down this little side road, okay?"
said the brunette. "Yep," replied the blonde.
"Is the cop still following me?" "Yep."
"Are his lights on?"
"Yep, nope, yep, nope, yep, nope..."
ӿӭ---------------------COLUMN
PREVIEW--------------------ӿӼbr>
It's May! It's May! - The Renaissance of May
by Sheila Moss
"What do the simple folk do to help them escape when they're
blue?" Lady Guinevere asked King Arthur. All they could come
with was that simple folk sit around and wonder what royal
folk do. To avoid becoming blue, I decided to find out what
the royal folk do by going to the local Renaissance Festival.
It is a mere few miles through the enchanted forest to the
local Renaissance Faire where simple folk and royalty alike
celebrate the merry month of May in some most unusual ways.
With Renaissance Festivals commonplace across the county,
anyone inclined to explore the out-of-the-ordinary can probably
find a place to do so. Besides, I hadn't had a close encounter
with royalty since the time I saw the changing of the guard in
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/renaissancefaire.htm
">Sheila Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/renaissancefaire.htm
ӿӭ-----------------------JELLY
MOM--------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Lisa Barker is Jelly Mom and she writes a
syndicated humor column for parents & families.
View her latest column at:
<a href=" http://www.JellyMom.com
">Jelly Mom</a>
http://www.JellyMom.com
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ӿӭ-------------------IT'S
NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿӼbr>
This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket
for five years.
One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines,
and the bag boy is real excited and asks the manager if
he can work the juice machines.
The manager says no.
The bagger says, "But I've been working here for 5 years,
why can't I run the juice machines?"
The manager goes,
"I'm sorry, son, but, baggers can't be juicers."
ӿӭ-------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿӼbr>
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ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Why Men are just happier people.
* Your last name stays put.
* The garage is all yours.
* Wedding plans take care of themselves.
* Chocolate, is just another snack.
* You can be President.
* You can never be pregnant.
* You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
* You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
* Car mechanics tell you the truth.
* The world is your urinal.
* You never have to drive to another gas station
restroom because this one is just too icky.
* You don't have to stop and think of which way
to turn a nut on a bolt.
* Same work, more pay.
* Wrinkles add character.
* Graying hair adds attraction.
* Wedding dress~$5000. Tux rental~$100.
* People never stare at your chest when you're
talking to them.
* The occasional well-rendered belch is practically
expected.
* New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
* One mood all the time.
* Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
* You know stuff about tanks.
* A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
* You can open all your own jars.
* You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness.
* If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can
still be your friend.
* Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
* Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
* You almost never have strap problems in public.
* You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
* Everything on your face stays its original color.
* The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
* You only have to shave your face and neck.
* You can play with toys all your life.
* Your belly usually hides your big hips.
* One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for
all seasons.
* You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
* You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
* You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
* You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on
December 24 in 25 minutes.
ӿӭ------------------------WEIRD
NEWS---------------------------ӿӼbr>
A Chinese woman claims her cat has grown wings. Granny
Feng's tom cat has sprouted two hairy 4ins long wings,
reports the Huashang News. "At first, they were just
two bumps, but they started to grow quickly, and after
a month there were two wings," she said. Feng, of
Xianyang city,
contain bones, make her pet look like a 'cat angel'.
Her explanation is that the cat sprouted the wings
after being sexually harassed. "A month ago, many
female cats in heat came to harass him, and then the
wings started to grow," she said. However, experts
say the phenomenon is more likely down to a gene
mutation, and say it shouldn't prevent the cat
living a normal life.
Weird News is a feature of this ezine...it contains a previously
published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see
here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to
this ezine.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A dude moved out to
so horny he honked. He asked me what he could do about his condition.
I told him to go down to the Indian reservation and grab himself a
squaw.
He asked how to recognize a squaw.
I told him she would have a long braid down her back and be wrapped in a
blanket.
The next morning, a chilly day by the way, he dutifully proceeded to the
reservation. He spied an Indian sitting out in front of a tepee. When
he grabbed the Indian the Indian shouted, "Me buck, me buck!"
The dude replied, "Go ahead and buck you sonofabitch. I can ride
anything with hair on it."
ӿӭ---------------------DAILY
SNOPE--------------------------------ӿӼbr>
All the info that is fit to print ...
The Daily Snope is a comical look
at the days news!
Todays Top Story:
Man Cited For DWI At Drive-Through (Associated Press)
A man who was a little slow in picking up his fast food
has been charged with drunk driving. Police said they
found Terrance Forte, 32, asleep behind the wheel in
the drive-through lane at a McDonald's restaurant.
<a href=" http://www.snopes.com/daily/
">Daily Snope</a>
http://www.snopes.com/daily/
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
[A Classic!]
A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more
frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex.
She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual
relationship,and finally decided to purchase some crotch-less underwear
she had seen in a lingerie shop.
One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as
usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned
the crotch less undies and a slinky negligee.
She then strolled between her husband and the television and
suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm.
"Want some of this?" she purred.
"Are you kidding?" he replied. "Look what it did to your
underwear."
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ӿӭ--------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
What do you call a nun with a sex change
operation?
A tran-sister.
ӿӭ--------------------DANNY
GALLAGHER---------------------------ӿӼbr>
MOVIES THAT SUCK
BY DANNY GALLAGHER
"Walk Like a Man"
OR
"Dead Men Jogging!"
Richard Roeper, who isn't a movie critic but plays one on TV, recently
said on an episode of "Ebert & Roeper" that zombies make the
worst
movie monsters. It was at that moment that I put aside my personal,
stubborn beliefs, got down on my knees and reconnected with God
because I prayed real hard for a real zombie outbreak just to prove
Mr. Roeper wrong.
That's because Roeper is, in fact, wrong. Frankenstein may have super
human strength, Dracula may be able to convince a woman to do his
bidding and the Wolfman may have teeth sharp enough to open CD
packaging, but zombies are the most dangerous of the movie monsters
because they possess the most deadly trait a monster can possess
teamwork. Zombies stick together. Zombies use their masses to their
advantage. Zombies put aside their personal differences, political
biases and ethnic backgrounds to come together, stand next to each
other and take on their problems as one. Then they try to wipe out
humanity as we know it.
I'm a big fan of zombie movies. They terrify and enthrall me all at
the same time, just like a prom date. Horror movies aren't my favorite
type of flick, but just about any movie with walking dead in it will
get my attention. They aren't just scary, dark and even funny to
watch. Zombies are my heroes.
You never see one zombie going after humans. Zombies work as a team.
They teach the importance of cooperation, togetherness and working
with their fellow man to set goals (eat human flesh), develop an
achievement plan (slowly amble towards the living and moan) and
achieve those goals (eat human flesh). Just imagine how many important
lessons our children could learn if a zombie outbreak occurred on
"Sesame Street."
But not all zombies are created equal. Like my beer, breakfast cereal
and foot deodorant, I'm also terribly picky about my brand of zombies.
Zombies cannot run. They are dead. Their bodies have suffered from
years of rigamortis and deterioration. Zombies don't get up at the
crack of dawn and jog three miles to train for a 3K fun run to send
human flesh to starving families in Ethiopia. Even the undead Jesse
Owens shuffles towards his victims at 3 moans per hour.
It's not a pet peeve. It's not a minor complaint. It's not just a
friendly disagreement. It's a fact that when questioned causes full
blown psychotic episodes, mental seizures, blood that can rush to my
head so fast it can defy the laws of gravity and at least three
misdemeanor counts of terroristic threat.
Not long ago, I was at the bar with some friends and one of them
mentioned they wanted to see "28 Weeks Later." Our conversations in
bars usually don't involve any women.
I really didn't have any interest in it because the "rage infected"
masses run, so I started my argument. I established a thesis
statement, backed it up with scientifically tested evidence and made
verbal footnotes to George Romero's zombie trilogy and all I ended up
proving is why our conversations in bars usually don't involve any
women.
I know it's a silly thing. There are bigger things to be pickier
about: my choices for federal offices, stricter diet and exercise
regimens in public schools, tougher punishments for child support
dodging parents, more affordable health care, funding for scientific
research that eliminates all known diseases and human suffering,
separation of church and state, separation of state and church,
separation of Carlos Mencia and every microphone on Earth and beer
prices.
I like to think it's the silly things that help define the kind of
people who love spending so much time watching and scrutinizing their
favorite movies, very angry, lonely, picky people.
======================================================
"Movies that Suck" is written and was created by Danny Gallagher.
To send suggestions, criticisms or threats to the author, drop him a
line online at dannyboythezombie@gmail.com.
Visit him on the web at http://www.dannygallagher.net.
(c) 2007 by Danny Gallagher
=======================================================
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