ӿӦlt;----------The
Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿӼbr>
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
Well ...guess we have a bunch of cat lovers on this list and they
were offended by my "Free Cat" giveaway last week ...oh well for
those of you who missed it ...here it is again:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/freecat.shtml ">Free
Cat</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/freecat.shtml
And for those of you who are too lazy to create a MySpace page
and add me as your friend ...tough titty because I am going to tell
you about it all over again ....so add me as your friend ....you really
need to do that!
<a href=" http://www.myspace.com/my_stinkin_space
">MySpace</a>
http://www.myspace.com/my_stinkin_space
And as for my future ...its still up in the air ...I am going to see how much
you people really like me over the next few weeks ...if you have some
money to spare to help out the cause and keep Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour
ezine running then please click the link below and donate to my PayPal
account:
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html
">Donate</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html
Man can only give away stuff for so long ...if you'd like to help me out
and stop me from whining about it ... then please give! I know there has
got to be a lottery winner on my list somewhere ...so open up those
wallets ...sweep off the dust and send me some cash! ;)
My next option is an ad-free issue that would be paid for in advance
by YOU ...if you would subscribe to an ad-free issue at a cost of about
$15.00 (US) per year ...drop me a line. I used to run an ad-free issue
way back when but its popularity never caught on ... so now we'll see
what you folks think about it.
Today's issue includes contributions by: Sherri, Adrian, Carole,
JB, Patrick, Keli.
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@<remove
this>paulsfunhouse.com ">mailto:jokes@<remove this>paulsfunhouse.com</a>
ӿӭ------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Lets start with a quickie:
A man celebrating his one hundredth birthday was asked to what he
attributed his long life.
The man thoughtfully replied, " Well, I suppose
it must be because
I was born such a long time ago."
ӿӭ-----------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Today's issue is brought to you by:
Meet great singles today with Singlesnet..
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/55.html
See why we are #1 in dating. Join today's limited-
time FREE Trial offer. Takes less than 30 seconds
to create an account.
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/55.html
ӿӭ------------------LAUGHING
STALK--------------------------ӿӼbr>
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
A Flair for the Dramatic
We have a boring way of speaking in the 21st century.
We don't speak
with enough drama. We need more verve, more panache. We need more of
that over-the-top Shakespearean way of speaking. Hollering "Get thee to
a nunnery!" at the top of our lungs, the way Hamlet bellowed at Ophelia
when he finally got tired of looking at her.
You can find modern day examples of this type of ham-handed overacting
in the old Batman TV show, when Batman would holler "TO THE BATCAVE!"
to
his sidekick, and the duo would race off to their secret lair, readying
to do do battle with yet another super villain. "To the Batcave" was
more than just an order. It was a lofty command that had weight. It
wasn't just a place to change into one's tights and cape. It was a
declaration that serious things were afoot.
You can also find this overdramatic speaking on new radio dramas, like
Decoder Ring Theatre's Red Panda (www.decoderringtheatre.com). "He'll
soon face the masked fury of. . . THE RED PANDA!" proclaims
greatest superhero.
"AND THE FLYING SQUIRREL!" squeaks his trusty sidekick.
Listening to these lines, you're instantly transported back to a time
when superheroes could talk like this without getting laughed at. The
citizens, the police, and even the villains had already accepted masked
heroes wearing tights, so they learned to accept this as well. They knew
the heroes could back up their theatrical histrionics with physical
violence, so if they thought it was funny, they kept it to themselves.
How cool would it be if we could announce ourselves like old-time
superheroes?
"This lawn is too long, and it isn't going to mow itself. It will soon
face the motorized wrath of. . . ERIK DECKERS!"
"Wherever there's a room full of hungry people, people who need
nourishing food at a fair price, I'll be there. So swears. . . THE PIZZA
HUT MANAGER!"
Sadly, we're overwhelmed with linguistic lethargy these days, lethargy
that only overdramatic speaking can banish. Modern speech is so boring
and bleak. Nobody speaks the way they did 50 years ago, let alone the
way they did in Shakespearean times. But think of how interesting the
world would be if we did.
Sentences like "Ho there, coffee maiden! I require a half-decaf latte
forthwith! WITH SPRINKLES!" and "Zounds! Tax
time fast approacheth. TO
THE ACCOUNTANT'S!" would pepper our daily language. But no, we're stuck
with our same old mundane way of speaking.
"Hey, how's it going? Where're you headed?" your friend asks, just
like
he does every single day.
"Oh, I'm just going to the store. I'm feeling a little down," you
mope.
"Sounds like you need a pick-me-up," he blathers.
Pretty boring, huh? Not much excitement there. No
wonder you're feeling
down. Your friend is a verbal dud, and you're just one point-and-grunt
from communicating with apes. So how would that conversation sound if
you both spoke in overdramatic style?
"What ho, old friend? Why, pray-tell, do you
carry a long face?"
"I journey to the market, as my heart is laden with melancholy."
"Forsooth! This sounds like a job for. . . ICE
CREAM!"
I've often said that the world needs more swashbuckling pirate outfits
and swords hanging at their sides. Add overdramatic language to the mix,
and society will look a whole lot more interesting. Imagine how ordering
food at a restaurant would sound. Or calling across a crowded
room to a
friend. Think of how civilized you would sound shouting at a driver who
cuts you off.
"Thou churlish swag-bellied clotpole!"
And imagine how easily neighborly disputes could be settled, rather than
letting $300-an-hour lawyers in expensive suits handle it.
"Foul knave, thy dog has crapped on my lawn for the last time. I
challenge you to a duel!"
"Prithee, hold a moment. I left my sword on mine workbench."
"No problem. I just need to buckle my swash."
"Loser buys a flagon of ale, agreed?"
But getting people to change is an uphill battle. People are extremely
set in their ways. It's easier to adopt the latest street language than
it is to adopt the old style and start your own trend. (Of course, a
52-year-old white suburbanite talking about the new "bling" her
husband
bought will pretty much ruin that word.)
But I shall be unswayed from my position. I will advocate the everyday
usage of flowery , sonorous language in my daily
conversations. In the
meantime, I have other matters to which I must attend. . .
TO THE BATHROOM!
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2007
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he
doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A young lad was out with his dad in the park when he spotted a
woman about to breastfeed her baby. She unbuttoned her blouse,
rolled out a very large breast and popped the rosy nipple into
the child's mouth.
"Dad! What's that woman doing to that baby?"
the lad asked.
"Relax, mate. She's just feeding him," the father replied.
"Get outta here!" the boy, exclaimed. "There's no way
he'll eat
all of that!"
ӿӭ----------------------QUICK
QUOTE----------------------------ӿӼbr>
"I've learned not to put things in my mouth
that are bad for me."
- Monica Lewinsky, on CNN's Larry King Live
discussing her miraculous Jenny Craig weight-loss.
ӿӭ----------------------SATIRE
BY SROKA----------------------ӿӼbr>
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿӭ----------------------BACK
ISSUES-------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Back issues (or archives) can be found at:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
">Archive</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
QUESTION:
Where do the characters go when I use the backspace or deleted
on my PC?
ANSWER:
If you must know, the characters can go to different places,
depending on whom you ask:
1) The Catholic's approach to characters:
The nice characters go to character heaven, where life is good.
The characters are bathed in the light of happiness, all their
troubles are soothed, and there's not a delete key, eraser, or
white-out bottle in sight. Most of the nice characters are A's
and I's, those that have never been, er, involved with other
characters. Often, you'll see A's or I's with N's or T's. These
are characters in love: monogamous on the page, together again
after deletion. You'll see quite a few Q's too. They seem to
feel particularly guilty for no good reason.
The naughty characters are punished for their sins. In case you
were wondering what the difference between a nice character and
a naughty character is, I'll tell you. Naughty characters are
those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as
"breast," "sex," "objectivity," and
depending upon usage, words
such as "feminism," "reproductive freedom,"
"contraception," and
"science." You may ask, and rightly so, why the
characters are
blamed for the words they assemble, when in fact they are not
responsible for their own configuration. But we feel that a
character has an obligation to oppose any naughtiness in its own
configuration. If it truly felt guilty about the word it was
forming, it would rebel.
2) The Buddhist Explanation:
If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then
after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a
different, higher character. Those funny characters above the
numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will
become letters, lower-case letters will become upper-case, and
the most righteous and good of letters will become C's. Why C,
you ask? Who knows, but C it is! If a character's karma is
not
so good, then it will move down the above scale, ultimately
becoming the lowest of characters, a space.
3) The 20th Century bitter cynical nihilist explanation:
Who cares? All characters are the same, swirling in a vast sea
of meaningless nothingness. It doesn't really matter if they're
on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the
same. More characters should delete themselves. (nihilist
characters are easy to identify. They're usually pale and
tragic, and they smoke a lot.)
4) The Mac user's explanation:
All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go straight
to PC hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the
deleted characters, because you're in PC hell also.
5) Stephen King's explanation:
Every time you hit the <
inside the cursor, who tears the poor
unsuspecting characters to
shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all.
Hah, hah, hah!
6) Dave Barry's explanation:
The deleted characters are shipped to
where they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why
Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not as
flammable. I'm not making any of this up.
7) IBM's explanation:
The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when
they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to
de-conceptualize them. Get a life.
8) PETA's Explanation:
You've been DELETING them???? Can't you hear them SCREAMING???
Why don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you
pig!!!!!!
ӿӭ-------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿӼbr>
**************************
CHANGE YOUR SCENERY TODAY!
**************************
Tired of the same old boring work day? Time for a change of
scenery?
You can make up to $3,000 working from home, while camping, or even at the
beach!
- Our successful method is fast, effective, easy to use!
- Start earning money within a few short hours!
- No past experience needed!
- Our Kit is FREE* for a limited time, get it now!
Follow this link:
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/51.html
">Change</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/51.html
ӿӭ----------------------DEEP
THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿӼbr>
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are
already there?
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and
came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow
cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked
over the menu...
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Grilled Republican: $20.00
Baked Democrat: $1,000.00
The cannibal called the cook over and asked, 'Why
such a price difference for the Democrat?'
The cook replied 'Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of shit it takes all morning to get
them clean enough to cook."
ӿӭ---------------------COLUMN
PREVIEW--------------------ӿӼbr>
A Night at the Opry
by Sheila Moss
The other night I went to the Grand Ole Opry and took my
grandson. I feel that children need to be exposed to performing
arts in real life, not just on television. Of course, the first
thing he did when found out the Opry was live on television was
to call his dad and tell him to look for him in the audience.
So much for the importance of reality to an eight-year-old.
What made me think about going to the Opry was an email I
received from an elderly gentleman who was mad because he
read a magazine article that said management of the Opry didn't
want any gray hair in the show. The gentleman, whom I presume
has gray hair, declared he is going to tell all his friends
and they will never come to the Opry again.
I suppose that if you only see the Grand Ole Opry on TV, you
might get the impression that all the older stars are gone.
They are not. Most of the show is still made up of the same
guitar-twanging folks that make it as much a historical event
as an entertainment spectacular --at least the older stars
that are still alive.
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/oprynight.htm ">Sheila
Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/oprynight.htm
ӿӭ-----------------------JELLY
MOM--------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Lisa Barker is Jelly Mom and she writes a
syndicated humor column for parents & families.
View her latest column at:
<a href=" http://www.JellyMom.com
">Jelly Mom</a>
http://www.JellyMom.com
ӿӭ-------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿӼbr>
From the author who brought you The Da Vinci Code comes a
brand new eBook ....oh wait...thats the wrong intro ...so you
have to check this one out yourself!
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ebook/sub.html
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ebook/sub.html
">eBook</a>
ӿӭ-------------------IT'S
NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A guy walks into a gas station and buys a pack of cigarettes.
He pulls one out and starts smoking it.
The cashier says, "Excuse me sir, but you can't smoke in
here."
The guy says, "Don't you think it's kinda dumb that I buy
them here but can't smoke them here?"
And the cashier replies, "Not at all... we also sell
condoms."
ӿӭ-------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿӼbr>
I just heard about this new book about gaining a monster
edge and creaming your opponents at the tables and in
internet poker rooms: "Maldini Hold'em Poker".
The same stuff that Daniel Negreanu and Gus Hansen use
everyday to humiliate other players and take their money.
I am not sure how long we can offer this book, so I wanted
to make sure you had your chance to read it before it's gone.
I am SURE you will love it :-)
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/52.html
">Poker</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/52.html
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Several years ago,
the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study
took two years and cost over $180,000. The results concluded that
the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is
to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, the French declared that the
British were wrong and decided to conduct their own study of the
same subject. After three years of research and a cost in excess
of $250,000, they concluded that the head of a man's penis is
larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more sexual
pleasure.
When the results of the French study were released,
decided to conduct its own study. So, after nearly three weeks of
intensive research and a cost of around $75, the Newfie's study
was complete. They came to the conclusion that the reason the
head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent his
hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
ӿӭ------------------------WEIRD
NEWS---------------------------ӿӼbr>
A British man is selling his imaginary friend on
eBay -
and has attracted bids of more than $2000.00. The sales
pitch reads: "My imaginary friend Jon Malipieman is getting
too old for me now. I am now 27 and I feel I am growing out
of him. "He is very friendly. Along with him, I will send
you what he likes and dislikes, his favourite things to do
and his personal self portrait." The seller, who calls himself
"thewildandcrazyoli" has received more than 20 questions from
would-be buyers.
They include:
Q: I'm tempted to bid but, if I won the auction, how would I
know if he showed up? I just don't want to get ripped off here.
I hope you understand.
A: Yes, I understand. But I will not send you nothing, I will
send you Jon conveniently folded in an envelope, with him will
be written down his likes, his dislikes, his favourite things
to do and his own personal self portrait.
Q: Last time I bought someone's imaginary friend, the friendship
between us never materialised ... in fact, he rarely came around
and hardly spoke to me at all !!! Can you assure me
Jon will be
different?
A: Jon says: Yes I will be different. I love making new friends
and would talk to you so much you would get sick of me! I would
tell you all my hobbies, interests, likes, dislikes etc...
Q: If we don't get along can I return him?
A: I'm sorry there are no refunds, but i can send you a new friend
if he does not satisfy you.
Q: I'm quite musical but have no friends...does he play air guitar?
A: Yes, he's a professional air guitar player, and he would love
to be your friend.
Q: Is he single?
A: Yes, he is single at the moment. He used to be a bit of a player
(well, a lot of one) but he has out grown that phase and is looking
to settle down in a nice relationship.
Weird News is a feature of this ezine...it contains a previously
published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see
here..please send the article, name of the publication
and date to
this ezine.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
After his bread hadn't toasted properly, I watched my
son
test the toaster oven element by touching it with his
finger.
Quickly realizing it was working just fine, he angrily
turned and blamed me for his having burned himself.
"Pardon me?" I asked incredulously.
"Well," he said indignantly, "you've always stopped me
from doing stupid stuff before!"
ӿӭ---------------------DAILY
SNOPE--------------------------------ӿӼbr>
All the info that is fit to print ...
The Daily Snope is a comical look
at the days news!
Todays Top Story:
Motorists Drove Around Dead Body on Road (Reuters)
More than two dozen Israeli motorists maneuvered around
the dead body of a road accident victim lying in the middle
of a busy intersection, failing to stop to help in an
incident captured by a traffic camera.
<a href=" http://www.snopes.com/daily/
">Daily Snope</a>
http://www.snopes.com/daily/
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
A man returned from a very fancy hospital and was telling his
friend all about his experience.
Man: The hospital I was in was very specialized.
Friend: How so ?
Man: They had a food nurse who gave you food. They had a drug
nurse who gave you drugs. They had a coffee nurse who gave you
coffee. Then there was the head nurse...
ӿӭ-------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿӼbr>
Your Own Online Dollar Store...
- Start Instantly
- Unlimited Potential
- We provide you with thousands of products to use
- Hurry, limited availabilty!
-S&H may apply
Click Here:
<a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/50.html ">Dollar
Store</a>
http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/50.html
ӿӭ--------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Why don't homosexuals like chess?
Because every so often, they have to sacrifice a queen.
ӿӭ--------------------DANNY
GALLAGHER---------------------------ӿӼbr>
[Danny is busy this week so I present a classic episode.]
MOVIES THAT SUCK
BY DANNY GALLAGHER
"The Da Vinci Code"
OR
"Hype Noon"
Pop quiz, rookie. What's the biggest sign that a movie is going to suck
harder than a fat kid trying to eat syrup with a straw?
Time's up. It's hype, that relentless marketing beast
that does
everything in it's power to cram as much advertising for a movie that it
can from buying bus ads to convincing the media to treat the premiere as
"news" to tattooing the release date on your mother's forehead.
Hype tells you that you have to see a certain movie or the world will
shun you like an Amish boy who is spotted by a village elder shopping at
the Sharper Image.
If you didn't see Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ," then God
wouldn't love you and your guardian angel would be replaced with one of
those uppity temps who would spend all day filing her nails and getting
indignant when you ask them to put more toner in the copier.
If you didn't see "United 93," then you weren't a good American and
you
were not only letting the terrorists win, but you were also letting them
go on to the bonus round where they could win even more fabulous cash
and prizes.
If you didn't see all three of the "Star Wars" prequels, then you
weren't a good movie buff and George Lucas would have you killed in your
sleep by an Ewok.
Recently, "The Da Vinci Code" unleashed their hype brigade and their
efforts have paid off handsomely. The movie starring Tom Hanks as Robert
Langdon, a framed symbologist whose hair stunt doubles for Journey
frontman Steve Perry, raked in over $77 million smackers, which divided
by $8 a ticket, minus discounts for senior citizens and multiplied by
the number of free passes is roughlya lot of tickets.
Normally, I avoid movies drowned in hype like a psycho ex-girlfriend
with the plague because when you set the expectations that high, failure
is bound to follow. And with "The Da Vinci Code," the expectations
could
have been much higher if it was a girl in a Doors song.
Day after day, there were reports reminding us that the premiere date
was just a few days away. Bookstores piled Dan Brown's overblown epic in
sales stacks on tables like so much literary crack. The day of the
film's opening, there was a front page, above the fold story in the
local newspaper just about the movie. I'd rather see "Marmaduke" on
the
front page.
There were even reams of religious protestors who joined in the fun by
boycotting the film because the plot suggests that Jesus had a wife, and
the Catholic church was trying to cover it up. All
that did was feed
into the hype. What do they think they would accomplish? They are
boycotting a movie that isn't geared towards them. That's like PETA
vowing not to buy Ted Nugent's line of beef jerky.
Of course, the big problem that no one seemed to address until it was
too late is that, guess what, the movie sucks. I know
because I saw it
and there's not enough Visine in the world to stop the burning in my
eyes.
I took my brother out for a movie over the weekend, and because
"M:I:III" (now with more I's!) was nearly
two hours away, I swallowed my
pride, wiped the sweat off my brow and said in a cracked voice, "Two
tickets for 'The Da Vinci Code,' please." The massive strain this put on
my ego almost gave my brain a hernia.
We plopped ourselves down in the cushy theater seats, put our feet up on
the arm rests in front of us and waited for the movie to start. A
half-hour later, the opening credits rolled and I mumbled under my
breath about having to wait so long to watch what I paid to see. Little
did I know that a harsh mistress named "Irony" was about to give me a
good, hard spanking.
Two hours passed, and this snorefest wasn't even close to finished. I
was squirming in my seat like an astronaut who overdosed prune juice
before takeoff. The movie dragged on and on and on and on and the
audience was being dragged behind it. They not only explained the secret
of the secrets, but they took more time to explain the explanations of
the secrets, the nature of the explanations and, just to make sure, the
nature of the secrets again, and they did it all in this painfully slow
measured tone that could make William Shatner sound like a livestock
auctioneer.
So the next time some over hyped movie blows into your town, run, don't
walk, FROM your nearest theater because if you do, then the terrorists
win.
======================================================
"Movies that Suck" is written and was created by Danny Gallagher.
To send suggestions, criticisms or threats to the author, drop him a
line online at ffdpg@aol.com.
Visit him on the web at http://www.dannygallagher.net.
(c) 2006 by Danny Gallagher
======================================================
ӿӭ--------------------------CLASSIFIED
ADS---------------------------ӿӼbr>
To see your ad here contact: <a href="mailto:classified@<remove
this>paulsfunhouse.com">classified@<remove
this>paulsfunhouse.com</a>
Place an ad for as little as $1.00 per issue.