ӿӦlt;----------The
Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->ӿӼbr>
presents
<---------------------Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour-------------------->
Anyone want a cat ...I have one available free on my website ...to
get the details just follow the link below:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/freecat.shtml ">Free
Cat</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/freecat.shtml
Are you my friend? Add me as a friend on MySpace ... the list keeps
getting bigger and bigger:
<a href=" http://www.myspace.com/my_stinkin_space
">MySpace</a>
http://www.myspace.com/my_stinkin_space
Is this the end? Well I am not quite sure yet. But let me
explain. In
1999 after reading many humour lists, jokelists and other lame
attempts at being funny, I decided that I could do better and I think
that in the 8 years since then I have done pretty good. I have seen
a lot of other "start-up" humour lists go by the wayside and
disappear.
I have met thousands (literally) of people in my time of publishing and
yes it has been a lot of fun. But slowly it has gotten to be more and
more work and less reward. I never started this out as a money-
making venture...the original plan was just to have a little bit of fun.
But amazingly enough after doing it for a few months I did make a
little bit of money to cover my costs. I bought myself a website
and expanded my "humour empire" ... those of you who have been
around for a long time will remember my "Weird News" ezine and
my "Weekly" ezine also. But it got to be a little too much and
so I went back to publishing just the one ezine. Eventually I even
cut my main ezine (this one) down to one issue per week. And the
monetary reward was still there. But lately I have found that sending
out a weekly humour ezine to 20,000+ subscribers is no longer paying
for itself ...in fact it is costing me money to get the funny out to you.
And in return I get nasty emails from some people back. I get thousands
of spam emails and all sorts of other crap ... and ery little in rewards...
even the occasional "Job well done" emails don't arrive as often as
they
used to. So I am looking at myself in the mirror and wondering "Why
am
I doing this?" ...do I have some self-serving instant gratification that I
need? Do I feel loyalty to the 20,000+ subscribers? Or is it just
that
I have problems with shutting it down? I haven't quite figured out the
answer to that question yet ...but over the next few weeks I will ... and
the future of Pooh-Bah's Adult Humour Ezine" will be decided. Did I
expect to be here doing this after eight years? NO ... will I be here
doing this in eight more years? I have no idea ... I could be doing
something else ...you just never know. So what can you do? I am
not quite sure ...I have tried to convince you to click my links ...tried
to tell you that I need a bit of support ...but no one listens and the links
go unclicked ...well maybe not completely unclicked but clicked at the
rate of less than 1% of you ...so basically that tells me that they are
unclicked. I have tried to vary the offers available to you ...I have
tried
to make the ads nice and unobtrusive ... I have tried a lot of things ...
but I guess I just haven't tried hard enough. So we'll see where we end
up now ...is this the end?
Today's issue includes contributions by: Tammy, Joanie,
Carole, and a ton from my huge archive!
If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to:
<a href=" mailto:jokes@<remove
this>paulsfunhouse.com ">mailto:jokes@<remove this>paulsfunhouse.com</a>
ӿӭ------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Lets start with a quickie:
When does a woman care for a man's company?
When he owns it.
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ӿӭ------------------LAUGHING
STALK--------------------------ӿӼbr>
This Week's Laughing Stalk
by Erik Deckers
You Can't Do That in Public
I was sitting with Karl, my friendly-neighborhood curmudgeon, in our
favorite Scottish pub, when I became aware of a certain change in the
atmosphere.
Karl, that's disgusting! I said. You shouldn't do that in public.
He plunked his beer on the bar. "Kid, what makes you think I need
lessons from a young pup like you?"
I'm 39.
"My point exactly. You're just a kid."
Barkeep, another lager for my new best friend, please.
"My point, Kid, is that I'm an old man. The last thing I need is lessons
on farting in public from a kid."
Well, I'm good, but I wouldn't say I'm an expert.
"Not those kinds of lessons!I mean etiquette lessons." He drank his
beer
with his pinky raised to prove his point.
Yeah, but you just don't do that kind of thing, I protested.
"Maybe not, but it was an emergency. Besides, there's nobody in
here."
True, but still, there is such a thing as appropriate behavior in
public.
"Yeah, yeah. You know, you remind me of this guy I met several years ago
in a bar like this one. I was drinking beer and eating taquitos like
there was no tomorrow, so I was pretty well in the bag. Guy walks up to
the bar with his wife, who was quite pretty -- they were both pretty
fancy, in fact -- but I didn't know they were there. So I raised up off
my stool and let one slip, rather loudly. That's when I realized saw
them.
"The guy has this disgusted look on his face, and he says 'How dare you
fart in front of my wife!'
"I said, 'Sorry buddy, I didn't know it was her turn.'"
I stared at him. That's an old joke, Karl.
"Hey , Kid, I'm an old man."
So you're an advocate of breaking wind in public?
Karl stared thoughtfully at the bagpipes hanging over the bar for a
minute. "Well, no, not an advocate. More of a practitioner."
So you think people should just be able to fire off their public poots
at will?
"Only if Will doesn't mind, which I think he would."
Not Will, will. As in free will.
"Why not? People air their grievances, their dirty laundry, their
opinions. So why not air their air?"
Because you'll be a social outcast if you keep ripping one off around a
bunch of people.
"But why should people be embarrassed by it? We all do it."
Yes, but we don't all do it in public.
"Sure we do. You've heard people who make what sounds like a fart, and
start grinding around in their chair trying to recreate the sound to let
you know that it was the chair and not them. Truth is, most of those
people did a real one, and are trying to make you think it was the
chair."
Yeah, but still. . .
"But nothing, Kid. Let me tell you a story."
This isn't another joke-disguised-as-a-story, is it?
"No, no. This one is real. A long time ago, I was in this meeting. There
were about 12 people, and I'm sitting down near the end of the table. A
couple of women show up late, and sit down next to me.
"As I start talking, one of the women lets out this distinctive, but
very ladylike poot. It was quiet, but everyone in the room heard it, and
we all pretended like we never heard it. I was able to keep talking
without missing a beat, trying to help this poor woman out by not
laughing at her little slip.
"As you know, I've got the sense of humor of a 12-year-old, so it was
extremely hard to keep a straight face. As I'm talking, I see a woman at
the other end of the table trying not to smile. I keep thinking, 'Oh
man, if she laughs, I'm going to lose it.' So I very carefully avoid eye
contact and finish my point."
That's a very mature attitude. At least you didn't embarrass the poor
woman by laughing at her.
"Yep. Instead, I waited until the meeting was over to call a friend to
tell him about it."
So how is that supposed to help people get over being embarrassed about
their public flatulence?
"I suppose it isn't. But it's a great story."
Not unless everyone thought you did it. Maybe that woman at the other
end of the table was laughing at you.
"Oh jeez, I hope they didn't think that was me. That's embarrassing."
You're a weird guy, Karl.
"I know. Hey, pull my finger and I'll show you a trick."
Laughing Stalk Syndicate
Copyright 2007
--
Erik Deckers is in sales and marketing by day, but at night he dons a cape and
mask and. . . well, he doesn't fight crime so much as he just runs around his
house making kung fu noises. He is shy, and doesn't want people to make fun of
him. At other times, he writes a weekly humor column, which can be found at
http://www.kconline.com/deckers.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Tim was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me
one last request, Dear," he said.
"Of course, Tim," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die, he said, "I want you to marry
"But I thought you hated
With his last breath, Tim said, "I do!"
ӿӭ----------------------QUICK
QUOTE----------------------------ӿӼbr>
"The method preferred by most balding men for making them-
selves look silly is called the 'comb-over,' which is when
the man grows the hair on one side of his head very long
and combs it across the bald area, creating an effect that
looks...from the top...like an egg in the grasp of a large
tropical spider."
-Dave Barry
ӿӭ----------------------SATIRE
BY SROKA----------------------ӿӼbr>
America's leading INDEPENDENT adult humor network
http://sroka.paulsfunhouse.com/network.html
ӿӭ----------------------BACK
ISSUES-------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Back issues (or archives) can be found at:
<a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
">Archive</a>
http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/ezine/
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Jill, being the "only buy-on-sale shopper," beckoned
to a salesman in Bergdorf Goodman's, pointed to
white wool designer dress on a mannequin, and said,
"Hey Sonny boy, so how much is the dress on that
store dummy over there?"
"That dress is $899.95, Madam," sneered the rather
snotty salesman.
"Oh! For $99.95, I could get the same dress at
S. Klein's downtown!"
"But Madam," said the salesman, "You'll find that the
dress at Klein's is recycled wool. This original is
100% pure virgin wool."
And Jill replied, "So! For $800, I should be caring
what the lambs do at night?"
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ӿӭ----------------------DEEP
THOUGHTS-----------------------------ӿӼbr>
Why is one of the ingredients of Preparation H flavour? (Go ahead
and check ...its true!)
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
101 Things NOT to Say During Sex
1.. But everybody looks funny naked!
2.. You woke me up for that?
3.. Did I mention the video camera?
4.. Do you smell something burning?
5.. What tampon?
6.. Try breathing through your nose.
7.. A little rug burn never hurt anyone.
8.. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9.. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10.. But whipped cream gives me the shits.
11.. Can you make some noises, so that hottie next door thinks I'm good?
12.. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
13.. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14.. Do you accept Visa?
15.. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16.. Ew - on second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17.. And to think - I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18.. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19.. Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20.. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21.. (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22.. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23.. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24.. (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned
this couch!
25.. Got any penicillin?
26.. But I just brushed my teeth...
27.. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28.. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29.. I want a baby!
30.. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31.. (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32.. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33.. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34.. I think you have it on backwards.
35.. When is this supposed to feel good?
36.. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37.. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38.. Is that blood on the headboard?
39.. Did I remember to take my pill?
40.. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41.. I wish you'd let me put this bag on your head...
42.. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43.. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44.. So, how's your mother?
45.. Did I tell you that I found this mattress on the side of the
highway?
46.. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
47.. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48.. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49.. This would be more fun with a few more grandparents.
50.. You're almost as good as my ex!
51.. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52.. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten
potatoes?
53.. You look younger than you feel.
54.. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55.. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56.. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57.. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58.. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59.. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60.. I hope my stomach doesn't look too puffy - I haven't shat in weeks.
61.. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62.. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63.. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64.. I have a sickening confession.. .
65.. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66.. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67.. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68.. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69.. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70.. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71.. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72.. Did you come yet, dear? Did I?
73.. I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're
fantasizing about...
74.. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75.. Does this count as a date?
76.. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77.. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78.. I think purple nurples are romantic - don't you?
79.. You can cook, too right?
80.. When would you like to meet my parents?
81.. Have you ever tried it in the nose?
82.. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83.. Sorry about the nametags, They're to avoid any embarrassment later.
84.. Don't mind me. I always file my nails in bed.
85.. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86.. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a
light?
87.. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88.. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89.. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90.. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91.. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92.. I'll bet you didn't know I work for ''The Enquirer''.
93.. So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!
94.. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95.. Is this a sin too?
96.. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97.. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98.. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99.. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100.. How long do you plan to be ''almost there''?
101.. You mean you're NOT my blind date?
ӿӭ---------------------COLUMN
PREVIEW--------------------ӿӼbr>
The Caveman
by Sheila Moss
The other Saturday I was down at the local Wal-Mart, rushing
around on my normal Saturday grocery trip and trying to avoid
bumping into other shoppers with my cart. As I turned a
corner on two wheels, I looked up and what do I see but a
guy that looks just like Caveman.
Now, I'm sure you know who Caveman is. In fact, is there a
person alive that does not know who the Caveman is? Yes,
I'm speaking about the one in the TV insurance commercials.
He's become almost as famous as Mr. Whipple was back in the
60's - for a different product, of course.
I was smiling in my head and thinking that probably I was
the only person in the entire world that would think that
poor, harried guy looked just like Caveman. I really need
to stop watching so much television, I thought.
However, about that time, I heard a tiny voice behind me
coming from another cart being pushed by another shopper.
More?...
<a href=" http://www.humorcolumnist.com/caveman.htm ">Sheila
Moss</a>
http://www.humorcolumnist.com/caveman.htm
ӿӭ-----------------------JELLY
MOM--------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Lisa Barker is Jelly Mom and she writes a
syndicated humor column for parents & families.
View her latest column at:
<a href=" http://www.JellyMom.com
">Jelly Mom</a>
http://www.JellyMom.com
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ӿӭ-------------------IT'S
NOT PUNNY!------------------------------ӿӼbr>
My wife has a little manoeuvre she likes to use
when she wants me to do something around
the house that I don't want to do, OR she
wants to buy something.
She takes her top off, comes into my room, spins me
around in my chair, and puts her boobs in my face.
She gets what she wants.
This, gentlemen, is known as a booby trap.
ӿӭ-------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------ӿӼbr>
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ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
Staggering in from their tenth anniversary dinner, the drunken husband
collapsed in a chair and let out an enormous belch.
"That's it George! I've had it this time." his wife screamed.
"I'm cutting
you off forever."
"That's impossible," he replied, "you don't even know where I'm
getting
it."
ӿӭ------------------------WEIRD
NEWS---------------------------ӿӼbr>
All it takes is one illegally parked troublemaker to tie up
freeway traffic -- especially if it's an 8-foot alligator
sprawled across the pavement. "I don't remember any of this
in the academy," police Officer Albert Silva said of the
traffic jam. "As far as I know, there's no procedure on
this other than: 'Don't get bit."'
Police car sirens didn't persuade the big reptile to
budge. Police threw orange traffic cones at the gator, but
it just snapped at the cones and flung them away. The gator
even assaulted a police car, biting a chunk out of its
bumper.
Officers finally used a lasso and metal poles to coax the
alligator into a drainage ditch leading to a lake. State
game warden David Chavez couldn't explain why a gator
would take up residence on a busy highway. "They keep to
themselves," he said. "They don't go out looking for trouble."
Weird News is a feature of this ezine...it contains a previously
published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see
here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to
this ezine.
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his
attorney. The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant
lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by
saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds
that believable." "I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,"
says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?" The auditor thinks
for a moment and said, "Okay Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my
own eye." The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a
bet." Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's
jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars
that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three
grand with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get
nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you
six
thousand dollars that I can stand beside one side of your desk,
and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get
a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully
and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he
agrees again. Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants,
but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach
the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates
all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a
major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts
his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told
me
he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars
that he could come in here and pee all over an IRS official's desk
and that you'd be happy about it."
ӿӭ---------------------DAILY
SNOPE--------------------------------ӿӼbr>
All the info that is fit to print ...
The Daily Snope is a comical look
at the days news!
Todays Top Story:
Wife Put Excrement in Man's Curry (BBC News)
A disgruntled wife has admitted feeding her estranged husband
a curry containing dog excrement after their relationship
broke down.
<a href=" http://www.snopes.com/daily/
">Daily Snope</a>
http://www.snopes.com/daily/
ӿӭ-------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------ӿӼbr>
My husband, a handyman, decided life would be easier if he
wired a new light switch in the master bedroom to save us
from fumbling in the dark for the lamp. He made the drywall
cut and was delighted to find a stash of old magazines and
an array of bottles and small boxes inside the wall.
"Honey!" he called excitedly. "Come see what I found!"
I ran in and quickly realized that his next task would be
to fix the hole that now led into the back of our medicine
cabinet.
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ӿӭ--------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------ӿӼbr>
What kind of fun does a priest have?
'Nun'.
ӿӭ--------------------DANNY
GALLAGHER---------------------------ӿӼbr>
MOVIES THAT SUCK
BY DANNY GALLAGHER
"Waiting"
OR
"Good Things Come to Those WhoSTART THE DAMN MOVIE!!!"
Nine out of 10 scientists agree, waiting sucks.
The only thing worse than waiting is, of course, more waiting. That
moment when you think the waiting is over and just when you think
you've seen the promised-land, more waiting comes behind it. Its God's
dollar bill tied to a string.
Ever since the British sleeper hit "Shaun of the Dead" invaded
cuisine, I've been dying to see what the new Big Three of Simon Pegg,
Nick Frost and Edgar Wright would turn out next. The sequel to a
zombie romance comedy movie could lead to just about anything: an
alien invasion slasher skin flick, a blaxploitation espionage comic
book epic/documentary, a gay cowboy movie.
It turned out to be "Hot Fuzz," a British American cop buddy flick
filled with wild and unnecessary gunfire, obscure references to horror
movies and a swan. I couldn't wait to see this thing. When it finally
landed, I had the plan all set to see it. I'd leave work early to meet
a friend for dinner and drinks because no great movie experience
should happen sober. Alcohol is the new 3-D glasses.
Then we'd head over to the theater with enough time to grab our
tickets, a watered down soda and some seats after all the commercials
and trailers have run. It was a perfect plan. Then again, so was
supposedly the pre-war plan for the Iraqi invasion. Both were done on
the back of a McDonald's napkin.
I get to the restaurant, and my friend's at the bar three drinks ahead
of me. I sit down, order a steak and tell the bartender to keep the
beers flowing fast and frequent. I glance at my watch. Its three hours
before the movie starts. The movie didn't have a huge number of
theaters, so screenings were short and the earliest we could get was
10:30 p.m. No problem, I've been in tenser situations that involved
beer and guns. Ah, prom night.
Minutes turn into beers and within an hour and a half, I'm slightly
schnakered. Nothing wrong with that except my buzz will wear off by
the time I get to the theater. I don't want to be totally wasted in
the theater. That's a lesson I learned the hard way when I saw
"Catwoman." Who knew Cinemark security guards carried tasers?
We pay the check and head out to drive to the theater. We pull into
the parking lot and there's not a space to be found. The lot is filled
with cars. The movie industry takes in at least $100 billion in ticket
sales and that's on a bad year. Can't they build a parking lot that
doesn't require a Sherpa to get the box office?
We find a spot just on the other side of Haiti and make the long trek
to get our tickets. Luckily, he bought ours ahead of time because we
hate waiting in line. I'd have a joke about that, but it just makes me
too goddamn angry.
My friend's not thirsty, but I always need a drink for the theater, so
I get in line behind a family of blue whales. The father orders a hot
dog, nachos and a large drink of lard. The son wants three kinds of
candy and a bucket of popcorn three sticks of butter buried inside
them. The mom wants two hot dogs and a cup of the nacho cheese in the
Yoplait yogurt pack to pour on the hot dog, a box of Sno Caps to go
with the beef jerky in her purse and a small (she emphasized the word
"small") Diet Coke. Yeah, you wouldn't want to screw up that petite
Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon figure.
Finally, we get in the theater and the seats are perfect, high and
outside, but we've still got about 10 minutes to go because of all the
pre-screening commercials. There's nothing that Brokebacks my Mountain
harder than movie commercials. But I'm in the theaters, so a giddy
feeling of anticipation starts working its way down my stomach. The
waiting has been unbearable, but it's about to pay off.
Then I notice the giddy feeling isn't stopping at the stomach pit.
It's venturing much farther behind my belly button, down my waist and
then it makes a dead stop at myby the power of Greyskull! I had to
take a leak that dam strength spackle couldn't hold back.
Now, seconds count. It's the old ticking clock clich頥xcept there's a
bomb in my pants and if I piss under 10 fluid ounces a minute, I blow
up. There's real danger involved because when you rush in the men's
room, there's room for, shall we say, mishaps.
Let's just say when I got back to my seat, I was glad the theater went
dark for TWO reasons.
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"Movies that Suck" is written and was created by Danny Gallagher.
To send suggestions, criticisms or threats to the author, drop him a
line online at dannyboythezombie@gmail.com.
Visit him on the web at http://www.dannygallagher.net.
(c) 2007 by Danny Gallagher
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